looking back

looking back on 1998

he looks at everyone that way

it's about a simple look
a simple touch or nudge.
the smile and the gaze.
i know it wasn't you...

it was something much more than you

when we finally did touch
the shock of it rocked my body
for what seemed like forever
i still shake
but it wasn't you

it was something much more than you

when we shared that shower
we did it together - bonding
two souls together forever.
the water washed away all the impurities
it left us there ...
it left our souls...
pure - innocent and one.
it was all that an more
but it wasn't you

it was something much more grand...
than either of us could have expected
i'll have it forever, that feeling,
in my life, my heart and in my soul
--- me, october 17, 1998

sin

they say and me too
that i did the right thing with you
it doesn't feel good, didn't think it would
i suppose that's nothing new.

i think about you often
wonder, lot's, what would have been
can you understand, if you can
i don't suppose - it's such a sin.

the struggle would have been immense
i know it still doesn't make sense
i made the decision deep down within
and now i feel it... it's so intense.

letting you go was never an option
so here i am in a strange position
i look around but you i've never found
i should just let go of the situation.
-- december 1, 2001

no name face

lostness

yesterday someone walked into
her life and stripped her of her soul.

he took all that she believed in.
now empty he has left her alone.

she reaches for anything that might
make her feel real again.

shoving in false truths and objects
that don't fit - can't fill the holes.

soon anger and sadness get tied together
in knots at the pit of her stomach.

she can't seem to distinguish between
the two - certainly too tired to care.

today someone walked into her life
and reached for her soul......

-- november 6, 2000

for you

this is how it starts

this is how it is in the beginning
you can't get enough everyday
you're such a junkie....

suddenly it's weekly and monthly
before you know it you think
it's love... that's all it can be

it's so perfect right now isn't it
and it'll stay that way for another day
a week, a month, a year and he's yours

perhaps it's just that i'm jealous
knowing my honeymoon is over
my fantasy is fading fast

-- june 4, 2001

i'm still spinning

this poem is from a year ago....

life is cold right now
and i don't know what i'm saying
shaking - not shivering
sleep calls to me but i can't respond
it hurts... you hurt
things moving in all directions
is that right or wrong?
where did you go when you went away
why are you making this so difficult
i don't know what i'm saying
this doesn't need to be a bad thing
let me just remind you of...
... my strength
... my anger
... my fear
... my sadness
i think you forget that it isn't so damn easy
i was waiting for your magic wand
imagine my disappointment when i discovered
that you don't have one
ride away now... on your white horse
this is a part of life that i understand
no wait, that i've come to expect
i have my own little way of saying goodbye
this time it's my turn
i turn away and run to him for answers
this time he won't be there either
and, i don't know what i'm saying
-- may 15, 2000

looking down

was i a fool to think that things could be different?
the anger draws attention - but not from you.
i stand completely alone on this mountain top.
i look down among those who have chased me up here.
you would be considered one of them.
you hurt me and yet i can't break away.

the mountain top is small in area
no room for me to step this way or that
there is only room for me to stand
i look down on all of you
your faces with evil upon them
you know what you have done
i refuse to take responsibility
-- may 2001

breathing

sitting in an empty room
trying to catch my breath before i lose it
i'm beginning to understand
eight hours for love i'm missing
8 months of pain i'm experiencing.

the room closes in
i sit alone in tears
not unlike i've been doing
eight hours feels like 20 minutes now
8 months of tears i'm experiencing.

it's dark here in the room
i slip into the darkness of my world
i'm less aware of the emptiness
eight hours of empty feelings
8 months of lonliness i'm experiencing.

i reach out to turn on a light
tears and breath and emptiness disappear
the light won't last too long
eight hours of light in the darkness
8 months of reaching for the light.
-- april 17, 2001

you are where i belong

what you are to me now?
what you have been -
question or statement
what purpose is the confusion serving?
this isn't the way i want my life
the anger in me makes me wonder
what is right and what is wrong
i've trusted you like no other
you've made me smile and now...
you make me cry.
-- march 29, 2001

in a cab on my way home

i heard your voice again.
i can't exactly explain.
it was somewhere in a song.
the cabbie turned it up
not knowing it was you.

i felt you reach out to me
the way you did that night.
i saw the look in your eyes
telling me you couldn't love me.
i felt the tears in my own.

you said that not being able to love me
would be harder to do,
harder than telling me you couldn't.
you would have to live with it.
i'm confused - what am i doing?

i know i no longer love you.
i've moved on to someone else.
he loves me back in different ways.
still, no one will ever take your place.
it's safely hidden deep in my soul.

i love him more than i thought possible.
he reaches within when he touches me.
still, i can't help but wonder where we'd be.
i left the cab while the song was still playing.
similar to the way you left me that night.

-- january 17, 2001