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THE VAULT
there is really no rhymn nor reason to this page... it may turn into multiple parts. it might just stay confusing and out of date order. they are thoughts that i never imagined i could share with anyone... thus they were paper journal entries instead of missing peace entries. so.. you can hang out here and try to "peace" together the puzzle. or... just hang out in missing peace and check in now and then for some order to the chaos. just a note... i may put in some commentary from here or there once in a while. more than likely i'll just put out "here" and let you wonder... jy
January 7th,
Monday, 2002
The moment.
The moment when it reaches in
and grabs something so unknown
It pulls it out
and spreads it all over my chest.
Can’t you see it? See the pain?
Is it really pain?
Perhaps it’s only a 100 year old fear.
It’s time to move on now.
Staying here with it is no good.
You are past it, beyond it, above it.
Most of all you are ok.
Most of all you are ok.
January 8th,
Tuesday, 2002
So… there’s that moment
when my insides turn
inside out and upside down.
It’s that moment when I need to say
“fuck off” and “go away”.
Instead… in that very moment
when it’s the worst,
I let it smoother me.
The saddest part is… you’re greatest asset – the very thing that makes you so incredible - may, one day, kill you. – August 13th, 1999 still (I think)
Tragedy
Where does a girl go upon hearing their death sentence? Upon hearing that the cancer eating her up inside is a beautiful thing… – August 13th, 1999 still (I think)
If you were told that you were going to die by pursuing that which makes you who you are… or perhaps, live in misery constantly, searching for anything to put in place of your one true love… wouldn’t one day of honest-to-goodness happiness be worth an undetermined number of days of not knowing? – August 13th, 1999 still (I think)
i look for a sign.
anything to let me know.
pain is the sign i
least want to acknowledge.
it's also the hardest to ignore.
i should have known.
the look in your eyes,
the lack of contact other
thank to give me something
you'd only kept from me in the past.
i hate you and i love you
insanely, i go from pain to joy
questiong all of my actions
defending all of yours
the craziness is catching up with me.
i understand your pain
even if you don't want me to
the emptiness breeds evil
loneliness leads to confusion
where should i go for answers
this is normal- i tell myself
you have yours and i have mine
love does strange things
people unable to cope when they
only want someone/anyone to understand
yes, i understand
i am angry for the pain you've caused
i am sad for the pain you experience
eventually all of this will go away
i'll forget the touch of our hands
-- me, february 23rd, 2001
sitting in a litle corner of my world
i feel loneliness settle in for the evening
tonight life becomes more difficult than usual
life just doesn't make sense tonight.
the little man doesn't have anything to say
i wish he held the answers i'm seeking
questions swim through my head
i just don't understand up or down
my body aches and swells
i'm digusted by the way it looks
love is lost on nights like these
oh, i hear the traffic moving - never
stopping
-- me, march 21st, 2001
there is much more to come. pages and pages of raw feeling and emotion. some of it is really good and some bad depending on what you have come here looking for. it's just another part of me... another "peace" of my own puzzle... my puzzle of me.
take care - talk soon!
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