newness

this is new to me - these feelings
i don't feel fear.
in fact, i don't feel anything negative.
even the anxiety running thru
my body is a postive energy.

driving forward
moving ahead
holding onto faith

i think this feeling is close to happiness.
i'm not anxious to grab ahold of it tightly
- it's still a very new feeling.
i'd be crushed if it left me.
i'll sit back and watch what it does for me.

driving forward
moving ahead
holding onto faith

i don't feel like i need to know
where i'm going. i'm not headed
on that shortcut to hell anymore.
i'll just sit back and see where i end up.
---- august 28, 2000

Welcome

i know you
your presense is familiar

i've been living in a gray box
but now it's crumbling

through the cracks
your world shines in

i want so badly to be a part of your world
i want so badly to live in my world too

i'm losing my mind here
i'm losing my mind here

today you are just a familiar face
today words wouldn't let me tell you

crumbling down to the ground
as my body melts away

i'm watching my life slip away
and, i'm losing my mind here
---- july 2000

What if

what is all this? what if i'm really
the only person in this world?
what if this is only one day -
all these days are actually just one
day in my world and i'm the
only one who exists for real?
---- july 2000

Ice Dance

slowly, it reaches up thru the ice
it has no eyes - it can not see freedom
it has no eyes - it doesn't see me standing here
no instincts for either of us this time.
we just have to wait for the thaw.
hopefully we will learn more as time moves on.
i about it and it about me.

i don't know how to make contact
it needs eyes to see my pain
the chill from the ice makes learning new techniques difficult
soon the ice will melt
we'll be left alone
each with our own pain

i must be careful on the ice
how do i get closer?
how do i grab it's attention?
how do i successfully show my pain?
where do i go for help?

the pain grows....
my head will surely freeze from slow,
angry thoughts swirling around in fear
slowly i move
slowly i'm learning to ask
slowly... i'm learning to ask for help.
---- july 2000

Faith

thoughts slipping away
but now of you - never!

my faith in you is stronger
than i have in myself.

i want to see your world
it seems i'll only see it
in my mind.

the walls are slowly breaking
and i can see

a gentle smile
a gentle hello.
---- july 2000

Tension of Opposites

Thoughts not moving
Thoughts not making sense
not moving a bit
moving too fast
not at all.
---- july 2000

Drug Induced Happiness

drug induced happiness
thrilling to know i've no control
over such an emotion
i've used - tried - so many promising
recipies to make myself feel
there isn't anything more i can do
nothing more that they can do

i can live any way i like - they say
or, anyway these drugs would like
the little puppet i've become
smile now
left leg
right arm
turn my head
where do i go
where have i been

they like putting this fogginess into action
sitting here they follow me everywhere
shhh, don't make a sound - will they notice?
following me around to pick out the bad - ignore the good
if it's good now it should stay the way
if it's happiness won't it stay?
theoretically.... NO!

pull me this way - push me that
i feed off of them and they me.
there is no winner - just living
against the odds.... happiness will be learned
smile now
left leg
right arm
turn my head
where do i go
where have i been
drug induced happiness
---- july 2000

The Beast

hold on to my hand
it's been said a million times
let me take you for a ride
hold on tight

if you go away i won't survive
little moments of silence snake
thru my brain like water running
thru my kitchen pipes
i'm afraid i won't trust you if you go

i won't see the gray
i won't feel the gray
how in the world did it get this deep?
i can't see the gray

it's all surrounding - green jealousy
jealous of something that doesn't exist
it chokes the breath right out of me
i'm surrounded
where are you going?
i'm incharge of this ride
hold my hand
hold on tight....

july 2000

Peaces of Mind

oh so deep
i travel away in my mind
so far away, so deep
the emotions talk to me
i can't decide how to listen
too much time in between
makes the heart grow fonder

understanding only that i am wrong
i try to resist
words cut so much deeper than simple thoughts
where am i going in this moment?
let it exist on the bright side of my brain
no, now i feel as if the fear is laughing at me
i can't make it go away - it's impossible, i've tried

i'm reaching for this
i'm pushing it away before i can react
i look to those around me
you only know one side of me
it's the side that kills pain with pain
douces the fire with gasoline
you can stick around - she'll be right out
the one who picks up the peaces

putting peaces together
that never met before
she smiles
no tears
no tears

july 2000

Tears

tears can't fall from empty, scared eyes
they tell me this again and again.

i tell them - no way!
they fall and continue to haunt me
multiplying rapidly,
sufficient to wreck my life
i try to build walls
but, they crumble faster than
i can repair them
i tried to let all of you in

life here - in my word - does
fall gently from empty, scared eyes

august 2000

The Secret

hollering, 'let me go!'
what happens now?

you don't know?
where the hell are you
hiding the answers?
who the hell asked you
to begin with?
you should know, I'll
fight you even tho you
see me as a coward!
i have no other choice

screaming as loud as i can
'look at me!'

only to melt into puddles of
exhaustion at your feet
i would be done with you
if only i didn't feel the need
to fight for my rights
why do you think life
is made this way?
i have no idea.

august 2000

More Tears

it feels like i'm exploding
lots of pressure
the tears are there
nothing falls from empty eyes
(at least that's what they say)
(like they know what it's like)
frightening to sit still
lost when i move around

august 2000

Dear God

where do i go
to find the answers
i need to believe in myself?

writing my best friend
i am my best friend
i listen to myself more

now that i'm getting better
life and my mind
clearing up

i can believe
in you - i fight
so much fear daily

i think
i am going
to make this real

i ask for answers
they come in
a jumbled mess

i wanted a friend
to help me come
to my wise mind

let me listen
dear God, help me
understand myself

august 13, 2000

Turtles Return to Sea

i don't want to know
that you understand.
i can't hold on to my
pain if it's yours too
it won't cut so deep -
or, it'll cut deeper.

you aren't like me
you are my dream
living in my secret garden
you don't know depression
it doesn't exist in your world
it's mine and you make it go away

the sun rises so majestically
in your world. it sets in
vivid colors of red. In your
world we watch it set
every night. when we finish,
we watch the turtles go back to sea.

you come to me one day
to say good-bye and i'm
suddenly helpless. you've
been go kind and generous.
how can i blame you for
creating a perfect world when
i knew all along it didn't exist?

the saying 'make it real'
has never meant more to me.
if only it were possible
my garden would stay so
bright and beautiful.

closing has never been easy.
i fumble thru yards of pain and
regret. it should get better near the
end... shouldn't it?
no, the end is always just that
promises to always remember
dreams of doing it all again some day
we touched without feeling
while the turtles returned to sea.

august 16, 2000

destination known

My Friend

cut, cut, cut
open up and lit it out
let it go

drip, drip, drip
the more the better
feel the warmth

i am alive
more so now than before
i know you care

i know you don't understand
i know your disappointment
i know you'll try

i like you - you know
that's a lot for me lately
i've learned not to trust

i've learned i must do for me
i can live with some disappointment
i have you - my friend

june 14, 2000

Pain

i started this attack - triggered it by my own curiosity...
the need to feel someone else's pain
now wrenched in my own
bleeding pain
breathing pain
breaking.... go away!

growing tired suddenly...
my mind sickeningly wishing not to leave this place
no talking, no writing... stay numb.
all of me living in it's hell.
thoughts once racing now sit frozen in muck in my head....
it creeps into the pores of my logic
paralyzing what is good....

freezing out a rescue team of Lorazapam, Remeron and more.
eating away at the progress they have been protecting.
Shaking
breathing out but bringing very little back in
fists clenched - pushing, pulling
creating a diversion

nothing seems to succeed in this attempt to rid my body of it's virus.
there is a key
is it sleep
is it tears
forgiveness of my sins
deliverance from the grips of hell?

breathing steadies
say it, say it again and again
start with 'be' and end with 'done'
say it, spell it, sing it
slow it all down and then turn your back.
it's not working.

it will.

the muck will melt away leaving thoughts,
ideas, racing to destinations unknown.
no destination, no explanation
to easy to cop out
let down
surrender control
sharing nothing

reminded that i started this disaster with eyes open and heart broken.

Untitled

I want to write. I want to tell you all how difficult it is to feel this way. But, words can't describe the things that stand between freedom and me. Freedom from the feeling of my stomach being pulled and torn and tied in knots over whether I should get out of bed in the morning or not. Freedom from the thoughts in my head that move like bumper cars through the tunnels in my brain. Freedom from the insects that run wild in my veins. I wish that I could draw you a picture that illustrates what I see when I close my eyes and think about that closet. They ask me to concentrate but they don't feel the hands reaching in poking me, grabbing me, cutting me open. I'd like to perform a one man show for you so that I could wear costumes depicting the frightening beasts that stalk my every move. I'd like to just sit down with you and talk. The words won't comd though…. I'd sit and stare, blankly, into your eyes hoping to get a glimpse of your soul. A glimpse of a soul that hasn't been battered and bruised the way mine has. The way mine has……

Why

Why do I do this to myself?
I sit here and want so badly to see you drive by….
… to see your name light up….
… to hear my phone ring….

What in the hell is happening here?
I feel my insides turn to pain…
The anger that is building feels so real… why do I want this so much?
The sadness - I feel my heart crumble into pieces while jealousy eats them up with glee!

It just doesn't happen the way I wish it would….
How many times will I hear "the reality is….."?
The reality is that I hurt and I ache with anger.
… and I can't will it to happen.

I can't sleep, I can't think of anything but you…
In a year it will be him and I will laugh at this pain…
… like I have so many times before…
… now only wanting you to want me…

Only wanting him to want me….