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the scary stuff inbetween...
i want
untitled 3
about a time
to be ok
there's a catch to it all
short, fat, ugly girl
untitled 2
untitled
on Death and Dying
right here - right now
going under
good bye
scattered
between here and there
broken wing
24 hours
hidden
almost 5:00am
she chooses joy
i want
I want, I want, I want
Clinging to the surface of your world
I peek up and over our fence
Your grass is yellow
My grass is gone
I want what you have until I know
What that might be
Then I want his and hers – theirs
But not mine – never good enough
-- me, monday, 10:30pm, september 11th, 2000
just a year before the attacks on all of us...
untitled 3
You laughed and teased.
You used me as your toy
I hated you then - now knowing I could hate
I hate you now knowing you are why I hate them all
I do not want your life – surely God hasn’t shown
His light down upon you.
-- me, monday, 10:30pm, september 11th, 2000
just a year before the attacks on all of us...
about a time
I think about a time I was so happy
I think of nothingness
It was all too hard, too easy or just didn’t matter
Why try when it doesn’t matter
Why try now
to be ok
Tonight I sleep with the light on
Look at me quivering
Watch me keep moving
Eye lids heavy
Persistence stronger
I want to sleep – soundly
I want to be ok tonight!
-- me, monday, 10:30pm, september 11th, 2000
just a year before the attacks on all of us...
there's a catch to it all
Wanting to live other peoples’ lives
Staying as far away from her own as possible
There’s a catch to it all.
It sucks her in before she can prepare.
The wonderland of impossibility shines
The need to evacuate from the pain
There’s a catch to it all
It reaches in and pulls out her happiness
She tries to play the game
Without rules she loses time after time
There’s a catch to it all
He stays while the others move on.
She closes her eyes and picks from the pile
Her life was an option but she missed it
There’s a catch to it all
All the doors are locked except her own.
It happened so innocently
The pain crushed her like a rock
Then catch it.....
........play your own game.
-- me, thursday, october 26, 2000
Short, Fat, Ugly Girl
Short, squat
Clothing completely unacceptable
by who’s standards?
They don’t know how much they hurt me
No one does – not even me.
I’ll hurt myself.
I can control my hurt.
I am in control of the pain.
Short, little ugly girl,
You’re clothes aren’t good enough
They don’t know how much they hurt me.
-- me, september 7th, 2000
untitled 2
sitting in a litle corner of my world
i feel loneliness settle in for the evening
tonight life becomes more difficult than usual
life just doesn't make sense tonight.
the little man doesn't have anything to say
i wish he held the answers i'm seeking
questions swim through my head
i just don't understand up or down
my body aches and swells
i'm digusted by the way it looks
love is lost on nights like these
oh, i hear the traffic moving - never
stopping
-- me, march 21st, 2001
untitled
i look for a sign.
anything to let me know.
pain is the sign i
least want to acknowledge.
it's also the hardest to ignore.
i should have known.
the look in your eyes,
the lack of contact other
than to give me something
you'd only kept from me in the past.
i hate you and i love you
insanely, i go from pain to joy
questioning all of my actions
defending all of yours
the craziness if it catches up to me.
i understand your pain
even if you don't want me to
the emptiness breeds evil
loneliness leads to confusion
where should i go for answers
this is normal- i tell myself
you have yours and i have mine
love does strange things
people unable to cope when they
only want someone/anyone to understand
yes, i understand
i am angry for the pain you've caused
i am sad for the pain you experience
eventually all of this will go away
i'll forget the touch of our hands
-- me, february 23rd, 2001
on Death and Dying
for Stuart, November '99
I hear myself say to you -
let me hold you -
you shouldn't be alone
This pain you are experiencing,
the anger, the fear,
I do not know..... So, instead,
I want to take you into my arms
Surround you entirely so
it can not find you
I'm aware, though, that with so many
of my pieces missing I can not
provide that hiding place for you
We both must continue forward through
this battle of confusion....
Not expecting to find a way out this time.....
-- me, november 6, 1999
right here - right now
Right Here
........Right Now
Swinging
........back and forth
........back and forth
Let Loose
........release the grip
........give up your soul
That's right....
........now breath
........feel your breathe
Right Here
........Right Now
Swinging
........back and forth
........back and forth
--rich's swing, october 1999
going under
-- summer of 2000
Going under – feel the pulling as I struggle to get back to the top.
I’m splashing and yelling yet no one notices a thing.
I can’t breath!
Listen to me!
I can’t breath!
good bye
she turned around and noticed he had left.
no words of goodbye. just gone.
what would she have said to him?
what would have made the difference?
she wonders if the loss would have been easier.
I think she blames him for her pain.
the pain remains. of that she's certain.
he is still working hard to build upon the hell.
she doesn't seem to know how to stop him.
and, she doesn't seem to wish him to quit trying.
-- me, september 2000
scattered
little scattered thoughts
anxious, antsy
laughing from somewhere deep inside
bouncing around from day to day
which way to calmness?
accept everything and the light
shall shine down upon you.
-- me, september 2000
between here and there
i don't want to listen
the words don't let me choose.
they reach into my heart
pulling strings like a puppeteer.
i would fit in so well.
life would be so easy
the words would become true.
i wouldn't hurt so badly.
my space is so beautiful
to those looking thru rose colored glasses
they filter out the fear
they ignore the obvious anger.
making common errors
i'm too sick to recognize.
it's too late to see the pain.
it's a good life here
at the moment i'm lost
between here and there.
-- me, october 23, 2000
broken wing
drowning in a circle of tears
she sees the bird with the broken wing
it's out of her control
she still feels the fear
the crying out for attention
she moves closer only to find it's disappeared
where has it gone?
where does she go now?
slowly life moves closer to her
she wonders when she can feel
when will it be safe again?
pushing away the obvious hunger
none of this makes sense
not the tears, the blood or the pain
it's all she knows though
no one for her to fight against
don't run to the medicine cabinet
the enemy is not hiding there
the broken wing will mend
she will soon fly away and she will forget
-- me, october 22, 2000
24 hours
she pushes herself
24 hours more
she doesn't subscribe
to this crap
she wants nothing of it
what else will work?
life moves forward
amidst the anger and pain
destination unknown
long overdue
pay the pauper for the penalty
move too quickly
leave behind honesty and self love
what will happen to the rest
new life grows in the spring
-- me, october 23, 2000
hidden
she can't see the changes she's made
they lay hidden behind memories of her past
he tells her to reach through and pull them out
she doesn't think she knows the way
advice doesn't come easily to her
they criticize, they mock her, so it seems
he wants her to hold on tight
she can't believe she's strong enough
she wonders when the ride will end
they sit back and laugh - sending her around again
he warns her to sit still
she doesn't like the feeling of being in the moment
she looks around at all the many faces
they laugh and cry - they scream out her name
he tells her to ignore them
she doesn't think she can
-- me, october 1, 2000
almost 5:00am
writing what's on my mind
what's in my head
a thought, simple -
moving like crazy
round and round
should I do this
BLOCK
STOP
I don't know.
seriously, I don't know
Where did you go?
What happened when I went blind?
weird things - thoughts
with no identification
no one can make the
choice for me
follow through on
thoughts so simple
round and round
i just reach up and stop them
wouldn't it be so easy then
you, me, thoughts here
thoughts there
ever moving
never done
wait it's done now!
SHIT
why am I so afraid to feel
-- me, september 24, 2000
she chooses
she lays curled in a ball in
the corner of her bed
heart aching and trying to catch her breath
happiness is all around her
she reaches for it - stops mid way
needing to establish which is better - pain or happiness
most people never question which they prefer
they've been immersed in joy - they live joy - they chose it
she has lived in fear - she chooses against her will
she chooses against the demons in her head
she chooses joy
carefully she reaches out the
rest of the way
slowly she pulls happiness into her corner
feeling it in her hands she pauses once more
it's familiar - where has she felt this before?
where did it go then? why did it leave?
is it worth the pain of losing it again?
pain is more familiar - more acceptable
she takes the risk - pulling it into her body
she chooses against the demons in her head
she chooses joy
-- me, september 9, 2000
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