just an odd entry

When i finally do give in to the night - turn out the light
There I am.... clutching PJ and Mr. Bunny tightly.... wishing they could protect me from it.

But it's there anyway.
It's there in the blackness of the room.
It's there in the kitchen light creeping it's way in under the door.
It's there in the rattle of the radiator... stirring of the monster

I want to scream "Stop, I've had enough of this!"
But when i open my mouth nothing comes out.
Instead, days later tears well up in my eyes waiting for a trigger to set them free.
Leaving me to guess where they came from...

Sometimes i rock... back and forth... stuffed animals in tow
Sometimes i rub my legs together... if I were a cricket what interesting music i'd create.

What is it, the depression, asking me to understand?
.......... that I'm alone with myself?
.......... that I'm angry with an unimaginable list of culprits?
.......... that I'm so sad I'm frozen stiff by my tears?

It says nothing - although I wait endlessly for word!
It merely exists in the blackness of my room,
.....in the kitchen light creeping it's way in under the door
and, in the roar of the my radiator.

And I am protected............
Wednesday, February 15, 2000

anonymous
"for you - again"

today you are leaving and
taking a piece of me with you -
just like so many have done in my past
in fact, there are so many holes
now in my soul that i'm seriously
considering just letting it go...
go bankrupt for lack of a better term
and just start over with a new one...
a whole new soul...
but what about him?
should i wait and see?
i can't believe i'm asking you
what is right...
you are gone - packed up and
moved right on out of here -
happy as can be...
just like so many in my past
- friday, april 23, 2004

each day

i came home late this evening to find that no one had called...

addicted

i picked up the phone
not knowing it was you.

that's when the problem started

knowing it WAS you
i couldn't hang it up.

---- april 8, 2003

unsettled

what was to be this time?
it wasn't a way for my life to go.
still, i want so much for you to me mine.

reeling in such uncertainty
thoughts twist in odd ways
i choose to know you

the thoughts still haunt me.
there are ways through this, i'm sure
right now this is how i need to be.

others know me all too well.
there are things they know that i don't.
they are aware i live very close to hell.

so i'll let go of the thoughts of you.
they'll be out there to do as you wish.
i'm putting together a different view.

-- july 2002

playing God

Stuff slips down around me
Some falling into place
Others missing their mark

Reaching out, always reaching
The good i can't recognize
I stay showered in such shame

The length of my stay here
Depends on letting go
I wonder for how long

I'm sorry for the pain
Losing something so perfect
Will I ever have another chance?

-- june 2002

in my eyes

don't ya know i feel the darkness closing in...

you are pushing me into things that
i desire to ignore. i've warned you
of the pain and fear in me. there
is a place where i go to be safe
and i need to go there now even if
i still feel you tugging on my arm
trying to keep me in this space.
let me go now before i quit.

i need a feeling of freedom from the demons.
you try to convince me of your own but
life can't prove anything to me right now.
all of this makes very little sense
but it's a world i'm creating and
one day it will make sense to everyone.
so, let me go now before i quit.
-- april 20, 2002

holding onto me

Stuck in this place
while those around
me live their lives

holding onto me
holding out on me

Teetering between good
days and bad - by whose
definition

holding onto me
holding out on me

Struggling to be a
part of something that
doesn't play fair

-- april 6, 2002

slow motion

it's all moving at a rate i just can't take
where are you now when i need you most
i liked the times that i could look and see you there
those days are gone and i'm so lost without them

today i crossed the street thinking i saw you
it's been so long i guess i forgot who you were
reaching out my hands to pull you into my world again
grasping at an image that never really existed

you wish for me to go on about my day
how unfair of you to push aside my feelings
so many times i've been there waiting for you
not until this very day have i stopped wishing

it's all moving at a rate i just can't take
so i step back and pursue a different desire
finding something new will only push you further away
it doesn't seem to matter much to me anymore
-- february 2002