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CROSSROADS (by DJWOODS)
So I sit in this small room, where I don’t
want to be, trying to talk to someone I don’t
want to talk to, about something I don’t know
how to talk about. I can’t help but try to protect
myself—the soft vulnerable underbelly of my
emotions, where I can be cut wide open by a
single word or look.
My first inclination after the anger exploded
out, and the pain closed in around me, was that
I needed to leave. Pack up a few things and
run—start over as someone else, somewhere else
where no one knew me, and I could be this other
person, and not trapped by my history, but I
would still have to take me with me—and that
in itself is baggage.
Four months later, I am still a stranger in
my own home—the woman from five months ago is
gone. Who is this other person in a seeming
transition? The one I see when I look at myself.
The one who has questions—now that have to be
faced and worked out. Questions that have too
many possible answers. Do I still belong here—I
don’t feel like I do, but where will I? Will
leaving make it better, or just exchange this
pain for another? How can I stay when I can’t
be what I used to be, or what is needed and
expected? How can I leave when I lose so much:
my home, my pets, half my family and the security
I have worked so hard to build?
I am standing at a crossroads—one way leads
me down the same path that I have traveled,
with whom I have so far traveled. The other
path is unknown—but I am drawn to it, as I feel
that is where my heart lies—even with no guarantee
that my heart will ever find another to share
it. Can I say no to these feelings that are
gaining strength and power with every day?
How do I choose? There is pain and danger either
way. The unknown path is full of questions—but
the known path may not be mine to travel anymore,
if I am to be fair to both of us. I want to
hurt no one, but I already am—hurting by standing
still—hurting someone no matter which way I
turn.
Can this small room hold all the answers that
I am looking for? Can it give me the strength
to reach out for possible happiness? Will I
be able to handle the answer that is waiting
around the corner for me to find? Either way
will have consequences. If I stay where I am—how
do I live with that part of me needing fulfillment?
If I leave, how do I know that that is the right
move? Or have I seduced myself into thinking
the answer is in this new direction because
the old way didn’t work? But I may find it to
be just another dead end. But if this weren’t
my destiny, would I be so interested, so drawn
to it? No one else I know even thinks this way—so
just in the fact that I do—is that in itself
my answer? It would be almost easier if it was
cut and dried instead of split into two directly
opposite directions.
This small room is closing in on me—I want
to leave, but if I do—what will become of me?
I don’t know how to trust this person in here
with me. I don’t know how to trust myself to
find such important answers alone.
Can I possibly live both ways? Or will trying
to balance the two just send me spinning back
into that black hole, and will I be able to
climb back out a second time?
So many questions—so many possibilities, but
only one real answer. I need to sift and sort
until only the right one for is left.
If I follow my heart’s desire, what then? Would
I even be able to do anything about it? Or would
I again be on the outside looking in? Will I
be more miserable to stay, or find myself more
miserable if I leave?
Strength—I need to be strong—strong in body
and strong in mind. To find the answers—to make
a decision—and then live it the best way I can.
It’s not that I find the unknown path distasteful.
I would not contemplate it if I did. I think
to find someone that makes you happy—is more
important than who it is. But to go against
the grain, to swim against the current takes
a strength I don’t know that I have.
I’m told if I go the easy route for the wrong
reason, I won’t be able to live it long without
ending up right back here again, the pull to
where I should be will take me apart again.
But will starting over tear me to pieces, and
send me over the edge?
I kind of think that if I have these strong
feelings, it tells me something. Can I live
with these feelings and do just that—live with
them without acting on them? I don’t know how
to listen to my inner self and hear the answer.
That’s why I need this small room with someone
else to guide me and lead me out of this darkness
of indecision into what should be my real life.
The last question is, am I maybe just not able
to have this with anyone. Maybe I am not capable
of truly giving myself to someone and having
a full relationship—maybe that is a part I am
missing—standing behind the door, when it was
given out.
I stand here in this small room at a crossroads,
looking left and looking right. I am pulled
in an unexpected migration of emotions, that
how many others have traveled? Do I fight, or
follow it?
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