The following is the official verbatim account of how Dan crushed my uncle's frail psyche, and turned him from a useful member of society into a toilet-bowl scrubber.  If you want to learn about the menace that is Dan, this is a must-read.

 All the information contained here is taken from the message boards at COD and at the now-defunct COD Deliverance Ministries club, from the pages of The Ruin webzine, and from the official cult publication Fresh COD.

Contents

Chapter 1: The Rev. Dick introduces himself
Chapter 2: The Shrinemaster proclaims a crusade
Chapter 3: Disturbing Revelations about the Rev.
Chapter 4: The Rev. begs for a hearing
Chapter 5: The Rev. returns and opens COD Deliverance Ministries
Chapter 6: Dan reacts to the news
Chapter 7: Dissension among Dan's enemies
Chapter 8: Betsy makes a move
Chapter 9: Betsy takes control
Chapter 10: Betsy has a surprise for Dick
Chapter 11: Dick's new job

Chapter 1: The Rev. Dick introduces himself
Return to top

4/16/00 12:43 am The Rev. Dick introduces himself on the message board at COD the Cult of Dan

At first I thought you people were just a bunch of freaks, but now I realize COD is something much more sinister. In I Kings ch. 12, when Jeroboam the son of Nebat rebels against God and establishes a FALSE CULT he sets up his cult-image at DAN. This was the first Cult of Dan. I believe that this cult is the "revived" Cult of Dan, and a clear fulfillment of Scripture prophecy. Furthermore your leader has now claimed to die and rise again from the dead, putting himself in the place of Christ. The Anti-Christ puts himself in the place of Christ. Therefore Dan is the Anti-Christ. Also, Revelation teaches us that in the end times, there will be two satanic world-leaders, one political and one spiritual. The political leader is TOS (who is sort of Dan, really) and the spiritual leader is Dan Quayle. When TOS becomes president of the U.S. and Quayle becomes Pope, the reign of the Anti-Christ Dan will be established, and all the horrors of Armageddon will be unleashed upon the world. This is all PLAINLY STATED in the Bible! Think what you're doing! Many of you are young people with your whole lives ahead of you. It sickens me to think of this pervert Dan caressing your silky young skin, bringing your lithe firm bodies into throbbing, pulsating life under his hands, driving you to frenzies of ungodly lust. It's so horrible I can't stop thinking about it. I urge you all to get away from this man before it's too late. I am setting up an Ex-COD Deliverance Ministry, and am prepared to provide private, confidential pastoral services to all ex-CODists, especially young people. Get in touch with me. You owe it to yourself. Rev. Dick Executive Director, Ex-COD Deliverance Ministries

4/16/00 1:33 am The Other Story, Dan’s son, replies

Oh thank heaveans! This is the best possible thing I could imagine for COD! Remember when that stupid little song "me so horny" got so much attention even thought is stunk because so many people were offended by it? There is NOTHING a cult member can be happier about than attenion! Hopefully after Jerry Falwell "outs" us, Pat Robertson will insist we get banned in the Republican party platform! Sweet! Call ME the anti-christ, call ME the antichrist!!  BTW , one part of your message bears repeating: "Think what you're doing! Many of you are young people with your whole lives ahead of you. It sickens me to think of this pervert Dan caressing your silky young skin, bringing your lithe firm bodies into throbbing, pulsating life under his hands, driving you to frenzies of ungodly lust. It's so horrible I can't stop thinking about it." woa, I cant stop thinking of it either, someone get me a towel. TOS

4/16/00 4:08 am Uhlfr the Mad Viking, Dan’s ally from C.A.R.B.O.N.

"prepared to provide private, confidential pastoral services to all ex-CODists, especially young people. Get in touch with me." Who did you say was the pervert? Uhlfr the mad Viking, CARBON Webmaster  P.S. I also am also willing to "provide private, confidential pastoral services" but leaving COD is not a requirement for them to be provided.

4/16/00 8:52 am Dan Lord of COD announces a new COD initiative

pastoral services! The NEWEST COD membership benefit! You can get it from me, you can get it from the other members fo the trinity, you can get it from the people at CARBON, and you can get it from revdick2000. Unfortunately, if you get it from revdick we will have to kill you. It's better to get your pastoral services from me anyway, I have better audio and video equipment as well as a wide range of edible ointments. Dan "Dan is COD, COD is love, feel the love"

4/17/00 12:30 am COD drone Double Cheeseburger With Bacon

Oooh, this is great! I feel a deep inner need for private confidential pastoral servicing … uh, services. Anybody is fine, as long as they’re clean and CODly and not named Rev. Dick. He doesn’t sound like he’s really up for the job. Besides, I love and respect Dan FAR too much to put him to all the trouble of killing me. That would be unfair to Dan. By the way, Rev. Dick, you aren’t by any chance the Rev. Dick who ran the Bible camp I attended when I was twelve, are you? I’m sure you must remember me. You said I had nice eyes. Come to think of it, you said I had a nice butt.  DCBWB

4/17/00 9:19 pm The Rev.

You little creep. I don’t know who you are, and I did not tell you you had a nice butt. I am a happily married man, and I never tell 12-year-old boys I like their butts. Wait. I didn’t mean I like their butts, but don’t tell them. What I mean is, I don’t like their butts. And I don’t tell them I don’t like their butts. I don’t even notice their butts. For all I know, 12-year-old boys don’t even have butts. There’s nothing sicker than some guy who’s obsessed with boys’ butts, who goes on and on and on talking about them endlessly. They should lock people like that up, and throw away the key. That’s really all I’m trying to say. Rev. Dick

4/17/00 9:33 pm The Rev.

It's been two days since I posted my appeal, and so far not one CODist has come forward to confess the horrendous abuse they've been suffering. Of course, this might have something to do with the fact that you threatened to kill them if they did. Instead, all I've got is two of your stooges humiliating me and making out like I'm some kind of sex pervert. Bet you're really enjoying this, aren't you, Dan? You've obviously got these people totally under your thumb. Okay, you win. This time. But I don't give up that easily. I won't rest until the name of COD is known and hated by decent people around the world. Yours in His great love, Rev. Dick Executive Director, Ex-COD Deliverance Ministries "We'll smack the COD right out of you."

4/18/00 12:32 am Dan

I LOOOOOOVE you! No, seriously, I REALLY do! Normally when a megalomaniacal cult leader says I love you, it's just B/S so they can get your money. But I REALLY love you rev.! You are EXACTLY what I need! To have a really succesful cult you have to make up a fictional enemy or threat, like the end of the world, or some sort of anti-christ. (anti-christs are very popular with cults, example: the Republican party uses Bill Clinton this way) The other thing they need is another wacky person to do such a BAD job discrediting them that they actually achieve some small measure of legitimacy despite themselves! Example here, ATF agents are the only people on EARTH that could make anyone view David Koresh sympathetically. It is my dream that you can supply this beautiful gift to me. Without blowing me up of course. that would suck.

Chapter 2: The Shrinemaster proclaims a crusade
Return to top

4/18/00 5:50 am The Shrinemaster of the Ruin webzine (also known as COD drone Regurgitating Wombat Stew) weighs in

NOW THAT's MORE LIKE IT! A NEMESIS! Dan, you're a pretty cool yet wacky sort of guy with obvious pulling power over all of your minions (except me of course who just turns up here for therapy.) But now someone as evil as Binky has turned up to confront your twisted sandwich spanking ways! I, the Shrinemaster, think that this has long been overdue and duly applaud the Rev. However... I am sad to say that despite my original feelings towards this rather suspicious and dubious cult, my sympathy towards COD has grown and I feel it necessary to make the following statement: ahem... I, The Shrinemaster, and all members of The Ruin, do hereby proclaim that from this day forth we shall endeavour to wipe the Rev. Dick from the face of the Eart h. Without any hesitation we swear to uphold the insane sandwich rituals, worhsip of goats, and to uphold the right to lose one's trousers. We will NOT stand for threats from the likes of the Rev. and will continue to defend Dan and his stooges and other similar clubs under attack from wannabe greats to our last ounce of strength. We know we will not stand alone in this fight, as every COD-ite will protect DAN (their glorious leader) and we therefore offer our services to DAN as an ally. If it is required, The Shrinemaster and his Ruin Staff Members will promote COD with a passion on their webzine and devote time and energy to the destruction of the Rev. The gauntlet has been thrown down. Who will take it up? We await your reply Dan. Ciao for now Shrinemaster, UK COD DEFENDER AGAINST REV. DICK

4/18/00 11:21 am Betsy the Goat

sweet, the rev. Dick has been a little hard-on us lately. We would like some protection from the rev. Dick, and it'll take more than a little piece of latex with lubricant and spermicidal number9. We need to ABSTAIN from Dick altogether. JUST SAY NO! Anything The Ruin can do to help us will be appreciated. The Ruin has always been rev. Dick-less, and hopefully we here at COD will also soon be able to say "we have NO (rev.) DICK!" just like so many others.

4/18/00 12:23 pm The Shrinemaster

All you had to do was ask. My minions are now hard at work finding out everything we can about the rev to undermine him. I'll post a URL here soon. Ciao for now! HELP THE CAUSE!!!

The following page appeared at The Ruin webzine:

The Ruin Webzine and The Shrinemaster (c) 2000 Ruin Publications Ltd.
 

4/19/00 5:06 pm The Rev.

This is totally nuts. I come in here trying to help people who are being abused by a self-admitted insane megalomaniac. Four days later, I've got the publisher of some potty webzine vowing to "wipe the Rev. Dick off the face of the earth", a sadistic goat saying yeah sure, do whatever you want to the guy. I check out http://www.oocities.org/leebebbs/cultofdanupdate.html and there's a Rev. Dick hate page, and some slimeball is encouraging all the members of 4 clubs to gang up on me and ruin my good name! I ask you, do I deserve to be treated like this? I appeal to the silent majority of COD. The honest people. The decent people. The people who, in their heart of hearts, want to live in a nice little house with a white picket fence and take their kids to softball practice, and not have to live in fear of being spanked with a sandwich or thrown into a vat of jello for the amusement of some sex-maniac in a dress. Come on, there must be SOME of you out there! Do not participate in this heinous persecution against a totally innocent preacher who only wants what's right for you. Do not visit the Rev. Dick hate page, do not, I repeat do NOT contribute to the totally unjustified smear campaign against me. If just a few of you stand with me, we still have a chance to turn this situation around. DAMMIT, ISN'T ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME???? Rev. Dick

4/19/00 5:31 pm The Shrinemaster

I smell fear reverand in your message... I have just received exclusive information from COD-ite Double Cheeseburger with Bacon about your dubious background!!! Hate page!? Of course! I want to destroy you and your minions Binky and the evil green cow! Don't deny it! You're jealous of the holy trinity of Dan, Betsy and Tos! I encourage all COD-ites and associates everywhere to help in The Ruin's crusade to fight the COD threat personified by the Rev. DICK! We will overcome if we work together! Any information you have which you feel is useful please send to the link that the DICK doesn't want you to see and post it to psychedelic_cod_baguette from that page. Remember "We who are of the army of COD need never have fear while basking in the luminescence of Dan!"

4/19/00 6:48 pm Double Cheeseburger With Bacon

That was a very touching message, Rev. I feel I ought to re-emphasize one point in it. If you have ANY respect at ALL for the Rev.'s feelings, do NOT visit http://www.oocities.org/leebebbs/cultofdanupdate.html Especially not now, because as Shrine just said there's some new background info there which could cause him acute personal humiliation and severely damage his credibility and career. So please, out of respect for our friend the Rev., restrain your curiosity and do NOT visit: http://www.oocities.org/leebebbs/cultofdanupdate.html Got that? Good. DCBWB

Chapter 3: Disturbing Revelations about the Rev.
Return to top

New revelations on The Ruin:

The Ruin Webzine and The Shrinemaster (c) 2000 Ruin Publications Ltd.
 

4/20/00 3:52 am The Shrinemaster

For those of you not aware there is a Betsy the goat sensational shocker revelation exclusive thingy on The Ruin Webzine now!!! You won't believe the connection between Betsy and the Reverand!

More revelations on the Ruin:

THE RUIN WEBZINE EXCLUSIVE!

SENSATIONAL COD ENFORCER CONFESSION SHOCKER ONLY ON THE RUIN WEBZINE!!!

Hi, Larry here. More disturbing news about the RevDick's past. We have unearthed shocking details of the actual real persona of the Dick but cannot reveal these at this sensitive time. However, even more alarming is the article you are about to read mailed to us in confidence by BETSY THE GOAT. Those of you with a sensitive dosposition please turn away now:

"My name is Betsy the goat. I am a member of the CODly trinity, the father son and holy goat. I am the goat. I normally assume the role of 'enforcer' at COD, take no crap, pull no punches, a lot of fun at parties, sure, but a bad ass goat none the less. So it is a little difficult to share with you all a horrible ordeal that I suffered at the hands of the reverend Dick. But share it I must. I attended a bible school hosted by rev. Dick as a young goat. I remember the rumors about the rev, and young boys, but I paid them no mind, I was after all, a goat, I was safe. Or so I thought. Much like a cow (but better looking) I sometimes sleep standing up. One night while sleeping, I was awoken by the sound of a man moaning the words "Milk, it does a body good," while suckling at one of my udders. I looked down and there he was, the goat milk moustache on his lips giving him a maniacal, foaming at the mouth look. It was Rev. Dick. It was later in life, with Dan, that I learned what a beautiful thing it can be to drink goat milk "from the tap". But this was no consentual act between two megalomaniacs, nor an act between a loving crossdressing schizophrenic cult leader and his followers, oh no, this was a violation of trust. Sure, Dan does things that would make most healthy people violently ill, but it's all out of LOVE for his flock. Rev. Dick was just being, well, a dick. And THAT'S the bottom line, cause Betsy the goat says so."

What do you make of this??? We at The Ruin are ctaggered by the ever-increasing amount of evidence that the Rev has a most distasteful pastlife indeed! Our reporters are currently in Switzerland following up leads concerning lilac cows (not something to do with the green cow but rather a chocolate factory... well we hope not at least.) Are you a COD member with more information in this area or do you think you can find out more. Rest assured we will make DAN aware of this information asap!!!
Chapter 4: The Rev. begs for a hearing
Return to top

4/20/00 2:18 pm The Rev.

This is unfair! You people can say anything you want about me in that webzine, and there's nothing I can do about it! Look, Shrinemaster, I think you and I may have got off on the wrong foot. I apologize for saying your webzine was potty and calling you a slimeball. These past few days have been extremely stressful for me--as you well know, you little ... um ... as you well know, Shrinemaster. Hope there are no hard feelings. We're both reasonable men. As a responsible, ethical journalist, you understand the importance of balanced news coverage. I'm just suggesting that your coverage of me could have a little more balance. Maybe some testimonials from my supporters, articles on all the good works I do, that sort of thing. I could supply you with this material, and I would be honored to have it run in your fine publication. Please, consider it. Respectfully yours, Rev. Dick

4/20/00 2:23 pm Dan

what a kiss ass

4/20/00 4:47 pm The Shrinemaster

What an interesting response... hmm. I think I'll throw the debate open to the COD following: Should The Ruin halt it's assault on discovering more about The Reverand and give him the chance to air his views on the webzine or continue the demolition of what we all know is a cowardly, goat abusing miscreant? I throw this question at the mercy of DAN and all his TRUE followers. –Shrine

4/20/00 11:59 pm Dan’s concubine janedoecoddronejj, otherwise known as Quivering Monkey Pudding

why cant we do both? we can keep destroying him, then we can let him tell the truth, oops, i mean his lies! Then we can destroy him some more. After that we can make him pay for his crimes against humanity and goatmanity by tying his nipple hairs to his pubes.

4/21/00 4:37 am The Shrinemaster

Wonderful idea, I'm alllllllllllll for it.

OK Rev. P... er I mean Dick, we at The Ruin have decided to let you have the chance to air your side of the story. Just go to the cod update page on the Ruin Webzine and go to the link which says "THe rev responds" and have a read, then mail us something you want to air and The Ruin will do the rest. If you do a good enough job then we may not unleash the cod drones on you. Actually we will anyways." One more thing, the evil green cow better watch her back... that's all I can say for now...

 
 

4/21/00 10:09 pm The Rev.

Yes! I realize you still hate my guts and would like to wipe the floor with me, Shrine, but at least you’re giving me a fighting chance. When people hear the story of all I’ve suffered, I just know they’re going to rally to my side. You may even shed a tear or two. In the meantime, all of you who feel strongly about my presence here at COD, please write to Shrine and tell him exactly what you think of me. I’m hoping for a number of testimonials, which Shrine can then publish along with my article. I’m counting on you. This may be where we turn the corner on this nightmare. Rev. Dick

New page on The Ruin:

THE RUIN WEBZINE EXCLUSIVE!

In the interests of fair journalism (heh heh heh) we have decided to let the Reverand Dick (or whatever his name is) have his own forum to present his side of the story. Will we listen? Will we care? Nope. But here it is anyways, and like Janecoddronejj said we'll do nasty damage to his nipples afterwards...

Here is the latest information regarding the Rev. Dick.

Thank you, Shrine, for letting me tell my side of the story. I’ve sent out a request for testimonials to everyone I can think of, and you should have received quite a number by now. Please insert the testimonials here, directly above my article—or a couple of good ones, if you don’t have room for all of them.

[Insert pro-Rev. Dick testimonials here.]

Hello, good people. My name is Rev. Dick. If you’re a regular reader of The Ruin, you probably already know me as an ogler of little boys’ butts, an abuser of goats, and generally as scum that should be wiped from the face of the earth. You are probably dying to see Shrine continue to ruin my life and stomp me into the dirt. I can’t say I blame you. You’ve only heard one side of the story. Please listen to what I have to say.

First of all, I am in no way associated with Binky or the Evil Green Cow. These are just creatures of the bizarre pseudo-pagan COD/C.A.R.B.O.N. mythology, and I don’t believe in them. I only believe in real stuff, like Noah’s Ark. I am a humble preacher, and I run a small soup-kitchen in an upscale neighborhood. It’s mainly for urban professionals, who don’t have time to make home-made soup. We try to make a warm atmosphere for them, because their lives are generally so bleak. I also organize the annual father-and-son trout breakfast, which has made a name for itself as one of the premier social events of the season. So, as you can see, I work hard and try to do my bit to help my community.

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered that there was a club on the internet, specifically designed to turn ordinary people into helpless slaves at the mercy of an insane, sexually rapacious megalomaniac. Somehow, I found this objectionable. I went to my Bible and began to seek guidance. After several days’ intensive study, I was amazed to discover three clear biblical proofs that this megalomaniac Dan was the one and only Anti-Christ prophesied in the Bible. These proofs are contained in message no. 1407 on the COD message board at http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/codthecultofdan. I think you’ll agree, they’re very convincing.

I was so happy! You have to understand, it’s every fundamentalist preacher’s dream to discover the identity of the Anti-Christ, and the financial and social rewards are considerable for the guy who gets it right. I thought: if this thing takes off, I could be bigger than Falwell! My own T.V. show, adoring supporters around the world. No more slaving over a hot stove for grumpy, unappreciative lawyers. It was everything I’d ever dreamed of.

I now realize I was probably making the biggest mistake of my life.

When I first appeared on the message board and denounced COD, Dan actually welcomed me with open arms. It’s not too hard to see why. Dan may be a monster, but he’s nobody’s fool. He immediately figured out that, if I could get my anti-COD crusade off the ground, it would be a publicity bonanza for him, and make him the biggest thing in cult circles. And I knew it could make me the biggest thing in fundamentalist-preacher circles (I’m nobody’s fool, either). But then the Shrinemaster got involved and proclaimed a crusade against me, and suddenly all my plans started to go wrong.

Before I knew it, The Ruin had exposed me as a boy-fancier and goat-abuser. Some helpful person printed these reports off and distributed them door-to-door in my community. The next day, it was front-page news in the local paper. Now my soup-kitchen is deserted, my wife has left me, a local community group is holding round-the-clock "Run the Scum out of Town" demonstrations on my front lawn, and small children come up to me and spit on my shoes.

I don’t want to use inflammatory words like "lying" and "fabrication". If there’s one lesson I’ve learned over the past few days, it’s that pissing the Shrinemaster off is a really dumb idea. So let me just say this, as calmly and composedly as I can: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT! I never ran a Bible camp, I don’t know any Double Cheeseburger With Bacon, there was no lawsuit, and I certainly never taught a Bible class to a goat. You’ve all made some horrible mistake, and a man’s life is being destroyed because of it.

Please, I’m begging you, you’ve got to believe me.

Sorry, I’ve got to go now. An enraged mob is setting fire to my house.

Rev. Dick
 

4/25/00 7:35 am The Goat Tipper, a mysterious Labrador dog, posts at COD

Here is my story: The Reverand used to be my master but I left him because of all the abuse. I have to admit though it was he that first got me interested in goat rustling. Rev Dick or Peter Enis as he was known used to run all sorts of convalescent homes and church boarding schools, you name it and he had his erm.. thumb in it. I remember once when he was preaching at the evening service he had his eyes on a young goat named Betsy. I now know who Betsy is but not back then, and while I was in my kennel guarding the church door one night, I saw his sillhouette against the curtains in Betsy's room, and with my super sensitive ears I heard him say "mmmmm goats milk - it does a body good" or something like that. Then I smelled the goats milk... oh my that was when the craving started. I've been goat rustling and tipping ever since. He was a cruel master though which is why I left him. Dog's milk never seemed to satisfy him like the creamy smooth tempting taste of a goat. I'm so jealous of you Betsy, if it wasn't for you he never would have been corrupted! Now all he does is lie about his past because he's so ashamed of his goat cuddling days... grrrr WOOF WOOF! You're my next dog's dinner goat!

4/25/00 9:38 am The Rev.

My article is on the Ruin! Finally! Please go and read it at: http://www.oocities.org/leebebbs/revdick.html The story of my unjust persecution is enough to bring a lump to the throat and a tear to the eye of even a sadistic goat. By the way, thanks to all of you who sent in testimonials to run with the article, they were most helpful. Ahem.   Since I am no longer able to live in my local community and my house is now a pile of ashes, I have decided to move temporarily to a small cabin in the Ozarks and consider my options. Do not fear, good people who wish to be free from the horror of COD, I will not desert you. This is only a ... um ... strategic retreat. COD Deliverance Ministries will continue. By the way, Shrine, could you please get my name right? You seem to be calling me the Rev. Green on the update page. You must have that cow on the brain. And who is this Peter Enis? I am not a Green or an Enis, I am a Dick from a long line of Dicks. I have always been a Dick, and I always will be, no matter what anyone says. Rev. Dick

4/25/00 10:05 am The Goat Tipper

Why deny it Peter? You know you were so embarrassed about your birth name of Peter Enis because of the fun opportunities with your initial that you changed your name legally to Peter Green, and then when you had commited those heinous crimes and abuses on young innocent boys and goats you yet again changed to Dick. You shame your father Paul Enis, your grandfather Pontius Enis and your great grandfather Pappy Enis. Why can't you admit this? You know it's true! Why else would I be a goat tipper? It was from you I understood the meaning of craving for goat's milk! Peter you must confess your sins heh heh heh... WOOF WOOF Rev!

4/25/00 2:50 pm Double Cheeseburger With Bacon

Your denials are pathetic, Rev. What do you think we are, mindless idiots? Well, OK, point taken. But we're not YOUR mindless idiots, and never will be. Besides, denial is the favourite tactic of the abuser. If you're denying everything, that can only mean you're guilty of everything. It stands to reason. Sad that, within a few hours of your article, there are new revelations from your former dog, confirming everything we already knew about your crimes, and demolishing your credibility all over again. Bad luck, huh? And this dog is an enemy of COD, so you can't keep blaming it all on a COD conspiracy. Things just seem to get worse and worse for you, don't they? Like the dog says: hehehehehe. (...funny... I'm almost SURE I've heard that hehehehehe somewhere else ... just can't seem to place it ...) DCBWB

4/25/00 5:45 pm The Goat Tipper

Ruff... you can't prove nuffin' WOOF WOOF!

Chapter 5: The Rev. returns and opens COD Deliverance Ministries
Return to top

5/1/00 12:09 pm After nearly a week of silence, the Rev. returns

Hello, good people, I'm back. It took me a few days to recover from the personal problems orchestrated by the Swinemas ... er, Shrinemaster, relocate and get running water, electricity and internet access for this cabin in the ... in a remote and undisclosed location. But COD Deliverance Ministries is back and stronger than ever. We now have a website which gives an eye-opening analysis of the COD menace,  and a COD Deliverance Ministries club.  Drop by for a cup of tea, a chat, and some deprogramming. Rev. Dick Executive Director, COD Deliverance Ministries

5/1/00 12:31 pm Binky the Elf appears on the scene

hey, what a great idea! Delivering people from COD! I'm in reverend. Hopefully we can whipe out this silly Dan menace. Binky the psychotic evil magic elf BTW-can I join even if you don't think I exist?

5/1/00 12:34 pm Binky arrives at COD Deliverance Ministries

Dan is my father, but his cult must be stopped. I am so determined to undermine Dan that I am even willing to join a man that insists I do not exist. And I have friends, powerful friends. One is coming soon that will shake the foundation of COD to it's very core. Binky COD is doomed. Up with Dick

5/1/00 12:43 pm Betsy back at COD

Binky I am surprised at you. I know you want to destroy Dan, but rev. Dick? He doesn't even think you exist! Do you know what he did to me as a young goat? I have stuck up for you several times in the past week or so, but this is a little hard to understand, even coming from an evil psychotic elf. Have you gone frickin loopy?

5/1/00 1:00 pm Binky

my dear sweet Betsy. I think you are confused. the rev. Dick never mistreated you. That was Dan. I wouldn't lie to you my darling. Remember that poem I read to you by the moonlght last week? Well, I am not hiding my feelings anymore. I have loved you since the first time I bit your little goat ass. An ode to a cranky goat, by Binky the Elf her name is Betsy, the goat of my dreams she taught me things, arent as they seem she stuck up for me, when others were cruel and on my flesh, she used strange tools some say she is cranky, and is loyal to Dan but she needs BINKY, she needs a REAL man my brother cant keep her satisfied but Binky can,I know, I tried we both say 'frickin', and beat people up I love her udders, they are a D cup Betsy come love me, a goat and an elf can rule together, and put Dan on the shelf T.O.S will be hurt,but what can you do our love is a fire, to thine own self be true Lets go make sweet music, with reverend Dick he never hurt you, Dan did, Dan's sick drinking your goat milk, massaging your hoof we'll do it all over, on stairs, or the roof I know your confused, but you know what to do Binky will love you, Dan can go screw

5/1/00 1:08 pm Betsy

(swooning, eyes glazed over) Binky, that is such a frickin beautiful poem. Where you go, I will follow. I love you Binky. I know some of you will be shocked by this, especially TOS ( I am sorry TOS, but you'll be OK, you still have your nipples) but my respect for Binky has grown ever since he got screwed out of that poetry contest that he should have won. I am going to join him at: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/coddeliveranceministries BTW-in wrestling terminology, this is what is known as "turning heel"

5/1/00 1:26 pm Betsy at COD Deliverance Ministries

Rev. Dick, I am sorry for slandering your good name and the fine work that you do here at CDM. I honestly believed you were the one that victimized me, but now as Binky has shown me, I realize it was the evil Dan all along, and thathe brainwashed me into blaiming you. Please accept my frickin apology. Let's bring down COD together.  Betsy-no longer the mother of COD, but still not to be trifled with PS-I know you don't think Binky exists, but given the popularity of COD, maybe you should accept him anyway. just a thought

5/1/00 1:37 pm The Other Story, back at COD

how can this be! My beloved mother/wife/grandmother goat mistress, turning TRAITOR, and leaving me for Binky? This is even worse than the time Binky superglued a "Dan sucks" t-shirt to my naked torso. Who is going to tuck me in and spank me goodnight? What will DAN do? The goat that gave birth to him when he came back from the dead allying herself with 2 of Dan's worst enemies! This is as bad as when Dan died! Dan is off now, looking for his concubine janedoecoddronejj, but when he comes back he is going to be devastated. I am devastated!

5/1/00 2:05 pm Quivering Monkey Pudding arrives at CDM

hi, i am a very impressionable,easily manipulated girl that just sorta wonderd in here looking for betsy, i thought i saw her coming this way. What is this place all about? should i join? i am very good at doing what i am told but i am a little nervous. i can't recall ever being this far away from dan's ritualistic lime jello orgy tub. or clothed jdcdjj weak mind just asking to be manipulated

5/1/00 2:29 pm The Rev. responds to Binky

Dan, are you still insisting on playing this Binky game with me? This is some kind of a set-up, isn't it? Then again, maybe not. I've often wondered if "Binky" might not be Dan's little cry for help: the tiny stunted part of his black heart still capable of honesty and decency. Maybe that's why he appears as a little elf. (Cool psychological analysis, huh? I may be a fundamentalist, but I read my Jung.) OK, "Binky", you're welcome at COD Deliverance Ministries. I'm prepared to work with you. In fact, I'd like to help you grow up big and strong. Maybe 6'2", maybe even taller. Then, we can shrink the Dan personality--I mean, that horrible guy Dan—down into a little elf. And you can be the boss of all the personalities, call all the shots, win all the wars, while that cross-dressing megalo grinds his teeth in impotent rage. Wouldn't that be fun? And with your new main squeeze Betsy onside, we can undermine Dan even more effectively. Let's try it, "Binky"!

5/1/00 4:03 pm Xenaphobic Warrior Princess at COD

We're falling apart, and this is exactly what they wanted.. Betsy, don't listen to Binky. He's useing you to hurt Dan. They're goig straight to the core of COD (with out you, there'd be no COD), and trying to pull you apart. Please -try- to see past this! Think of your sweet, dependant, and naive TOS! He'll be lost without you! You're the 'yin' to his 'yang', the "LS" to his "D"! You're meant for eachother! ~XWP

5/1/00 4:30 pm The Shrinemaster

...I...I...I am completely at a loss for... er... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -RWS-

5/1/00 4:50 pm Psychedelic COD Baguette arrives at CDM

Hi. You might know me as psychedelic cod baguette aka Larry. I was in charge of the section of The Ruin Webzine Shrine ordered me to write about you Rev, but I was so impressed with your arguments, and over the last few days Shrine has been mixing with really dodgy characters like Don Key, and I think I've seen the light. I can't emphasize how much I think you've been misquoted and how impressed I am with the way you put your side of the story on your webpages. Please welcome me with open arms. – formerly named Larry by Dan, now to be known as... psychopathic cod baguette

5/1/00 4:54 pm Blue Flamingo arrives at CDM

I hate propoganda don't you? That's why we got so angry with Dan and Shrine over at Cult of The Blue Flamingo. But now we see a glimmer of light in the shape of you Reverand. Anything the COTBF can do to help people see the errors of their CODly ways, please feel free to ask.

5/1/00 4:58 pm Prain the Elf arrives at CDM

I'm sooooo glad that a girl can find herself a nice reputable place to stop by on her way to helping elfdom destroy the Codiverse. MMMmmmmhhm Reverand Baby, you sure got yourself a follower here. I'm not sure about that slut Betsy making advances and seducing my cousin Binky, so if I need to chaperone them I will. At least that goat has seen the sense to stray from that Dan person's flock!

5/1/00 5:02 pm The Goat Tipper arrives at CDM

*sniff sniff pant pant* My my Peter, how you've come since you tied me up in that sack and dumped me down by the river (lucky that little old woman came by and untied me, that was the day I decided to leave you wasn't it?) grrr I digress however. I was passing by, checking out the local lampposts and the usual when I thought I smelled a goat. I could have been wrong, it was all disguised by elf smelling perfume and the like (I have a very sensitive nose) so I guess I'll stop by later and check again. Woof Woof!

5/1/00 5:48 pm The Rev. back at COD

Oh dear, Shrinebastar--er Shrinemaster, I'm so sorry you're taking this so hard. You really must try to come to terms with the situation and accept it. And to think that just about ten days ago I was so terrorized by your attacks that I was licking your boots and begging for space to put my case on The Ruin. Things change so quickly around here, don't they? I'm not one to gloat, but as a wise man once said: heh heh heh. Yours cheerfully, Rev. Dick

5/1/00 6:05 pm The Rev. at CDM

Dear friends, your support has touched my heart. Even if one or two of you may not exist (I'm sure Binky is just one of Dan's multiple personalities, but I'm really not sure WHAT Prain is). Oh well, never mind, I love you all. Jane Doe, I've heard good things about you. You're safe here, Dan will never hurt you again. Larry, I accept your apology. Welcome aboard to all the COD defectors. I'll start setting up group deprogramming classes tomorrow. I didn't expect to get this level of support so soon, so I may not have time for individual counselling. Except of course in one VERY special case. For that, see the next message.

Don't worry, Betsy, I forgive you completely for lying about me. I know you were just terrified by Dan's abuse. You were a victim. And I love victims. I love seeing the terror in their eyes, then reaching out a comforting hand, to soothe, caress, gently at first, then more firmly, in long rhythmic strokes, until ... oh sorry, my mind was wandering there for a second. Um, welcome aboard.

5/1/00 6:36 pm Xenaphobe at COD

Rev. Prick--errr-- Dick, why don't you go find the Labrador, make believe it's the old days, and, uh, relieve some tention. You obviously have something lodged up your ass.   ~XWP

5/1/00 8:34 pm Double Cheeseburger With Bacon arrives at CDM

Hi, Rev., I'm Double Cheeseburger With Bacon. You may know me as a long-time Dan drone, and a columnist for Fresh COD. Also as the guy who smeared you in the Ruin with those accusations about little boys. Since Betsy's come clean, I guess I have to too. I made it all up. I was so brainwashed, I thought it was OK to lie as long as it was helping Dan. Now that I've read the material on your website, I feel totally ashamed of myself. You are a wonderful person, and I am so, so sorry I tried to hurt you like that. Now I just want a safe place to hide, a shoulder to cry on, and hours and hours of deprogramming to get my life back in shape. Is there any chance you can help a guy like me?

5/1/00 8:37 pm Double Cheeseburger With Bacon back at COD

I regret to inform you all that, effective immediately, I am no longer associated with COD the Cult of Dan. If you want to know why, check the message board at my new home: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/coddeliveranceministries Sorry, Dan, but it looks like I won't be able to produce a "Drone's Guide to Reality" this week. I'll be in deprogramming class. Double Cheeseburger With Bacon

5/1/00 9:49 pm Xenaphobe

i can't believe this. Dan -loved- you (or at least your money and bodies)! Was it not he who took away the oppressive clothing that bound you? Was it not he who taught you the wonders of making your belly buttons into jell-o molds? Was it not he who stayed up many nights with you, making boondoggles and fancy garter belts out of dryer lint? You should all be ashamed of yourselves for turning your backs on the one who helped you break the burden of free-thinking. I don't blame you. No, I don't. You're all very impressionable, and without the sheilding umbrella of a cult leader, you've been lead astray. These wars and multiple enemies have distorted the messege of COD, and confused us all. Come back to the light. Come back to the days when haromony reigned. Please, drop your shorts and jump into the vat. I promise I'll be gentle.   Proud to be a Dan Drone, Xenaphobic Warrior Princess, Wielder of the Sacred Spatula of Justice HAIL DAN, FOR HE LOVES EVEN YOU! *Don't dream it.. be it*

Chapter 6: Dan reacts to the news
Return to top

5/2/00 2:00 am Dan

why? Why? I don't know what to do. What are we going to call ourselves, the father son and ...what? We have no holy goat. We have no holy goat.  I know what I need, I need to find my cocnubine, janedoecoddronejj. She doesn't EXACTLY have udders, or even hooves, but at least she is loyal, JDCDJJ, where are you? your beloved leader needs you!

5/2/00 2:19 am Binky

what a sad pathetic sight. You have been so utterly defeated, I don't even feel the need to kill you anymore. Come one and all to COD deliverance ministries, where rev. Dick will explain to you that I AM Dan. (hey, whatever, he's on board the Binky team, let him think what he wants. I actually LIKE the idea of being the 'good' Dan. sweet)ALl of you can be free, you know what that means? No more will you give Dan all your valuables, no more will you be forced to brainwash friends and family members, no more jell-0 orgies, no more sandwich spankings, no more kielbasa swallowing contests. Don't you all feel much better? DCBWB has joined us, and so should YOU! Be free from Dan! Binky (the 'good' Dan, nice ring to it huh?) http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/coddeliveranceministries

5/2/00 2:37 am janedoecoddronejj aka Quivering Monkey Pudding

Hi Dan. Sorry I disappeared, I was with Betsy in the jell-0 vat and I followed her to this new place, where the reverend Dick explained to me that you are actually a dangerous, mentally ill man. He is trying to help you by having your "Binky" personality grow so that the megalomaniacal cross dressing schizophrenic cult leader personality will just dissolve away into nothing. Then maybe you will be a productive member of society. I no longer wish to give you my money, erotic belly button massages, or even apple pies. Dick has helped me, now, I am even able to use capital letters when I type. I pray for your salvation dan. ooops, I mean Dan. love  Janet Reno (my real name. The reverend is also helping me with mymultiple personality disorder. I now wish only to be the best attorney general I can be. And maybe get contacts)

5/2/00 3:21 am Betsy

Binky IS the man. He is better (ahem) equipped than Dan,he is a better poet, and he is the TRUE Yin to my yang, the ding to my dong, the "bad" to my "mitton". join us, be free! no more orgies, no more brainwashing! http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/coddeliveranceministries

5/2/00 3:36 am Binky

Oh Betsy my love, you are the yin to MY yang, the "goat" to my "cheese", the "ben-wa" to my "balls".  Binky Don't you all wish you could be free and happy JUST LIKE US! We may even teach you how to balance a checkbook, and do your own taxes.

5/2/00 6:09 am Spanky the Happy Lion, aka Spankitus Maximus

...is it not obvious? betsey is suffering her seven year itch! that is when despite all knowledge of good and evil she will choose the ugliest damn bastard to have a little fling with to get the attention of her husband/godhead/son/swinger partner back. my advice DAN(man im startin to give advice! that means i have free thought returning, you better get this club back or i might start my own splintergroup) is to woo her with a capital WOOOHOOO!...

5/2/00 12:11 pm Dan

this will pass, i am ok, this will pass i am ok, this will pass, i am ok   THIS WILL NOT PASS, I AM NOT OK!! THIS WILL NOT PASS I AM NOT OK!! oh woe is me, what a sad little cult leader i am mumble mumble mumble. Slksdopdopdopdxjhdp9iw I think maybe I should get a new job. Perhaps accontant. Accounting can be fun. Dan no longer more than just a pretty face. Still a pretty face! but that's all.

5/2/00 12:15 pm TOS

SMACK! <slaps Dan across the face repeatedly> Dan is slipping into catatonia, which is a small island west of california. Betsy is gone, our "Drone's guide" columnist DCBWB is gone,our concubine is gone, and Binky still has access to the satellite that puts out Fresh COD. I am sure you are in a great mood now Binky, but be warned...THE MOOD IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.

5/2/00 1:21 pm Betsy

How about renaming it CON for Cult Of NOBODY! Ha! The good reverend has shown me what a sham religious cults are,and I am sick of being second fiddle to Dan and his idiot son (what kind of frickin name is theotherstory anyway?). Binky loves me, the good reverend loves me, and I am a good person. er...goat. Love Betsy

5/2/00 1:29 pm TOS

How about me beating your goat-ASS you traitor!

5/2/00 1:36 pm TOS over at CDM

You will abandon COD deliverance ministries immediately or suffer the consequences. You have been warned. As TOS has spoken, so shall it be done.  TOS-interim CODfather until Dan recovers.                                                                               BTW- in case you are wondering, although my attitude mayhave changed, I AM still naked

 
 

5/2/00 1:39 pm TOS back at COD

Betsy is cavorting with Binky and the rev. Dick and Dan has slipped into a psychosomatic coma. I am now in charge of COD and I have the following directives: GET NAKED AND PARTY! Dick and Binky want us defeated, we shall NOT give in. I want mass spankings around the clock, jell-0 orgies dusk 'til dawn, and somebody better bake Dan an apple pie IMMEDIATELY, maybe that will revive him. Also, Dan's last order before he went mentally MIA was to start a quest for the HOLY BEDAZZLER. This is an odd tool used back in the 80's for attaching shiny objects to clothing, perhaps if we complete this quest, Dan will come back to us much like King Arthur did after the quest for the Holy Grail was brought to succesful completion. TOS I have no goat. But I still have my kielbasa                                                                                          still reading? Good, I just wanted to let you know that despite my recent attitude change, I AM still naked.

5/2/00 1:52 pm Don Key of the Donkey Mafia

**RADIO MESSAGE: DESTINATION UNKNOWN** THIS IS DON KEY OF THE DONKEY MAFIA AND HOW ABOUT HAVING YOUR WANKY THE ELF AND SHOVING HIM UP YOUR DAMN ASSSSSSS! GOAT SCUM! THE OTHER STORY WAS FAR TOO GOOD FOR YOU AND NOW YOU'RE WITH WANKY YOU CAN EXPECT TO FALL WITH HIM!!! THE BULLET IS IN THE GUN WANKY AND IS READY TO FLY STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR HEAD! HAIL THE COD ALLIANCE, WE WILL OVERCOME THE COMMON ENEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO IS WITH ME? **TRANSMISSION ENDS**

5/2/00 2:09 pm The Rev.

Here's a brief progress report on COD Deliverance Ministries. We have been online for just over 24 hours, and our first day has been a smashing success. Several highly-placed drones have come over to our side, including the attorney-general of the United States (I'm a little confused by that one myself, but I'm sure we'll get it sorted out eventually). Best of all, Betsy, a member of the "sacred CODhead", has denounced Dan and joined us in the fight against him. Dan (or should I say "the Dan personality") has lapsed into a dissociative state and is near collapse and unable to function. The cult is now being run by that organizational genius, TOS. Don't worry, good people of COD. When this place collapses and you have to be evacuated, there will be room for all 200+ of you over at COD Deliverance. I've booked a local gymnasium and ordered extra pillows and blankets. Thank heaven somebody around here has heard of contingency planning. I look forward to meeting each and every one of you. Rev. Dick

5/2/00 3:05 pm COD drone Karaoke Gargling Babushka

I can bake an apple pie! I may be new, and not have a name or anything yet, but this COD drone isnt gonna give in to the ENEMY known as Reverend Dick who is brainwashing the cultmembers to think brainwashing is bad! So heres goes nothing! Lets have jello orgies and keilbasa spankings til we cant stand up anymore! Dan I love you! You will overcome this adversity! Love Elisha... errr Jane Doe COD Drone EJ

5/2/00 3:17 pm TOS

COD is grateful for your support, and BTW, you DO have a new name, Dan himself had a vision, he details it in post number 1648, he named you "Kielbasa Gargling Babushka" Or KGB for short.  TOS- remembering the days of the CODly trinity with fondling, uhm, I mean fondness

5/2/00 3:22 pm Lost in Misery asks:

Is it Kielbasa or Karaoke?

5/2/00 3:28 pm TOS

oops, Dan DID say karaoke, I just looked it up again. But then again, I am running things around here until Dan gets back on his feet. This is one of those difficult executive decisions that I usually try to avoid. My skills tend to lie more in the "gettting violated and acting stupid" area. But we do what me must, so I have decided that you are to be named KGB- short for Karaoke gargling babushka, AND Kielbasa gargling babushka. After being here a while, you may develop multiple personalities, so having TWO COD names can come in handy. Use which ever the spirit of COD moves you to use, don't think about it (that would be a sin!) just FEEL the COD. (sort of like the force)

5/2/00 3:18 pm Lost in Misery arrives at CDM

I am here to um.. help you in your quest to heal all these cultmembers to be freethinking folks again... heh heh... Im not a spy for Don Key and the Donkey Mafia or anything.. heh heh.. so um, Just let me see all those secret files... Im not photocopying them or useing them to defeat you in any way shape or form... heh heh... wooooo Yeah.. (man that was close, I almost gave myself away!)

5/2/00 3:42 pm Shrinemaster

Those damn CBI chickens, I was out of it for a while but HEY WHAT THE HELL? I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS THAN THAT!!! I have a theory which may give us insight into how the Rev Dick is corrupting innocent (well kind of innocent) mindless drones to his ministries! More is explained on the now up and running Ruin frontpage: http://www.oocities.org/leebebbs/frontpage.html Belive me TOS, it might have some truth in it! Also, I have an idea on how to cope with the (hopefully temporary) loss of The Holy Goat. Find out more at your COD devoted webzine now! -RWS-

The Shrinemaster's theory of why COD drones are being blinded by REV DICK.

I have a theory that Dan had a vision. I think Dan knew what was going to happen to the holy trinity and this is why he urged all followers to seek and find the HOLY BEDAZZLER. Unfortunately, I fear someone has found this holy COD relic before Dan. I fear that the Rev has found it and is now using it to bring COD drones into his ministry. He is using the bedazzler to blind followers of COD and making them believe that being a mindless drone sucks when in fact we all know it doesn't! Why have The Ruin staff not been affected by this? Some have, only yesterday our loveable sandwich LARRY, the psychedelic cod baguette, forsook all jouranlistic responsibility on The Webzine and converted to the ministry! Why would Larry be the first victim of The Reverand? Because Larry was in charge of the pages which had RIDICULED rev Dick that's why!

The Holy Toast

I propose a Holy Toast! Every day we should toast the glory of lime jell-o and Dan's luminescense! In this way we have a suitable replacement for the Holy Goat! Dan, TOS and the Holy Toast! What could be better? Double your fun I say!

Bedazzle-proof shades free to COD supporters at The Ruin!

The Ruin Webzine is giving away free 'bedazzle-proof' specks to anyone who believes the threat of the bedazzler in the Rev's hands is a real one. We guarantee that these shades will temporarily block the effects of the mind-freeing bedazzler and enable COD drones to infiltrate the Ministry of Constipation er I mean Deliverance.

Secret Donkey Mafia expedition to the ANTI COD ALLIANCE RELIGION set to bring it crashing

A secret mission (oops blown their cover now!) is on the way to the Anti-COD alliance religion's temple to effectively blow it to pieces. We cannot have 2 groups forming at the same time with the same end objective. The ministry is the stronger at the moment and so an attack on the ANTI COD temple would seem easier. However, we know this to be the current hang-out of The Labrador. If this individual could somehow be brought onto OUR side by the mafia we may stand a chance against the Rev Dick.

PRAIN THE ELF 'plant'

Our lab techinicians have sent latest bio-neural cyborg prototype "Prain" into the environment. Early tests show she is being more effective than was hoped, already having sought out and made contact with COD deliverance ministries. She has identified herself to Rev Dick, who still refusing to believe that Binky exists and is in fact Dan, has no idea as yet what Prain is. We hope that this device currently being operated by remote will be able to secretly smuggle in "bedazzle-proof" shades to converted COD members in the hope of smuggling them out without resistance. We are currently looking into the possibility of producing look-alike drones. We aim to contact the CGPS for the names of contacts who may be able to supply us with cardboard goats and cardboard cod baguettes.

Cult of The Blue Flamingo

Rumour has it that the COTBF and The Blaue Flamingo Liberazion Front have undergone a difference of opinion. Not much has been heard from either of these groups of recent and it may be that a power struggle is underway. Either way it looks like The Blue Flamingo will not be of much use to COD deliverance ministries.

MORE TO FOLLOW...
 

5/2/00 3:53 pm Psychedelic COD Baguette at CDM

I've only been here for a day but already I feel a change coming over me. For weeks I was slaving over the rev Dick page on The Ruin for that COD sucker the Shrinemaster. Now I'm beginning to feel a change for the better! No longer will I hide in cupboards afraid to come out and no-one wanting to use me as a spanking stick. I now realise how sick those spanking rituals were! How could I have been so deluded. And deluded is what Shrine must be, we must try and convert him. He is still churning out all that COD-ist propaganda over at his webzine and you should see what he's written now!  http://www.oocities.org/leebebbs/maroon.html Accusing you reverand of all people. He must be jealous of your lovely ministry and the fact that COD is all a horrible lie. I on the other hand am most appreciative, although I'm having trouble sleeping. I keep hearing you walk past my door at night on your way to the goats room, I figure you're sleep-walking as all you seem to mumble is something about milk doing the body good. I hope there isn't anything more to this Reverand, I wouldn't like to think you were taking advantage of us all. No, that can't be it, you're wonderful and what would we do without you! -psychopathic cod baguette-

5/2/00 4:23 pm Xenaphobe back at COD

I don't need glasses to repell anti-COD waves! I love COD! This is the best thing that ever happened to me! Thank you Dan, for taking my free will! I have attatched an napple pie to a pigeon,a nd sent it in your direction. it may have birdy-splat on it, but it should be good,a anyhow.   Betsy, you used to be a Goat-Bitch-Mistress, butnow you're just a BITCH! You do know that Binky is only useing you, son't you. What would he want with YOU, you traitorus scum? Once a cheater, always a cheater, you slut. The holy bedazzler. I want! I want!  Dan, don't lose hope! Only a few of them have gone.. most of which are impressionable, and will most likely come crawling back to you.  TOS, you're doing a fabulous job, sonny! You'd be a wonderful president... you need to find a new first goat, though.  Do guys remember what Garland/Andrews/Kings said?  ~XWP  I LOVE COD! I LOVE COD! I LOVE COD!

5/2/00 4:29 pm The Goat Tipper, over at CDM, laments the destruction of the rival anti-COD group, the Anti-COD Alliance Religion

I don't believe it! Grrrrrr! Howwwwwwwl! The Donkey Mafia somehow brought down my lovely Anti-COD club! Noooooooooo! How did they do it!? I'm all confused now, what shall I frickin' do!? Oh frickin' this and frickin' that! Can't a dog find some peace and quiet!? I've had it! I'm gonna become a hobo.

5/2/00 4:42 pm Prain the Elf at COD

*pssstw fewwwz pstaaaachk* *static* *hello ? hello ? this is the shrinemaster. Tos?* *pssstw fewwwz pstaaaachk qwblijk chhhk* *hello Tos? this is a bio-neural cyborg remote operated unit which has already successfully infiltrated Cod deliverance ministries, the Donkey mafia have successfully brought down the Anti-COD Alliance Religion club and The Labrador has gone on the run. The Ruin is ready to assist in your attack on COD Deliverance Ministries and The Rev Dick. Shrine at your service.* *psssst crackle fizz ptweerrrhgghh chhhskck* -transmission ends- Hello, Prain here! So COD losers, why haven't you all joined the Rev over at our club? You know you really are missing out on free will and independent thought. It's great! We hope that we can change ALL your minds! Come talk to Rev for a bit, what harm can it do? And don't forget, BIG BOY BINKY is there as well!

5/2/00 4:45 pm Prain the Elf at CDM

I couldn't help but notice Binky that it was posted recently by that hairy chinned lover of yours that you are far more endowed than Dan. I like it, I think I'll call you BIG BOY BINKY. I can't believe that Dick doesn't know what I am!? Doesn't he believe in life on Jupiter's moons? Really Binks, you should try and PERSUADE him, I mean, it's not like he controls you or anything is it!?!

5/2/00 4:47 pm Xenaphobe at CDM

... heh heh heh.. why yes, yes we did, didn't we.  You're all dissillusioned. come back to Dan. He loves and needs you. You are his CODlings. Make pie. Spank your CODly brothers and sisters with sausage. Have much fun. Does thsinot arouse any happy memories? Are you too far gone? "I want to eat like the cannibles, free like the cannibles"   ~Xena

5/2/00 4:48 pm Prain the Elf

-Inside Prain- *fzatttt crackle pop whdttsfgfzzzz* *oh shit! flick the switch flick the swi...* *speegggga cechaahhhhhhzk crackle whistle fghhhk* *kshhhhhhheck ftawzzzz pop pteszhhhhhh* *phew* *static* -Prain- Erm... I thought I was going to say something but I can't think what it was.

5/2/00 4:49 pm Xenaphobe back at COD

Fabulous. Binky's reign of terror is almost over. We can return to happier days soon! ~Xena

5/2/00 5:19 pm Double Cheeseburger With Bacon

Whew! I just finished my first 6-hour deprogramming session, and I'm exhausted. Can somebody get me a beer? Oops, I forgot, I'm in COD recovery now. Anyway, the Rev. says it would help my recovery if I come back to COD and, as he put it "denounce my abuser". I think he makes an excellent point (see? I can think now!), so I'm going to do that. I don't know how catatonic Dan is exactly, but I hope he can hear this. OK, here goes: I DENOUNCE MY ABUSER. I SWEAR THAT FROM THIS DAY FORWARD I SHALL INSURE THAT HE FACES RETRIBUTION FOR HIS CRIMES. I WILL MAKE HIM PAY. I CALL HEAVEN AND EARTH TO WITNESS THAT I WILL MAKE HIM PAY. Ooh, that feels better! Anyway, gotta go. The Rev.'s scheduled a softball game to keep our minds off the jell-O vat. Hope it works, I'm starting to get a few of those familiar yearnings. DCBWB

5/2/00 5:51 pm TOS

you little bitch. you punk ass bitch. You frickin little punk ass bitch. Denouncing Dan, of all things!ooooooo you make me want to give you such a pinch! Well fear not COD faithful, a few bad eggs are not going to spoil things for COD. We need to keep doing the same bizzarre freaky things we always have. And if anyone finds a stor, web site, or ANYTHING that can tell us where we might buy a HOLY BEDAZZLER, that might help to. New member slaphappy is right, Dan wanted a new dress, and only a BEDAZZLER can make the kind of heinously cheezy look that Dan likes. TOS PS- I also want metal studs on my buttocks that say "Hi, I am TOS' butt!"

Chapter 7: Dissension among Dan's enemies
Return to top

5/2/00 5:58 pm The Blue Flamingo at CDM

Hey REV DICKLESS! Who do you think you are!? I join your cult and take a look at your interesting links page to see if you are promoting my excellent ANTI-COD cult, The Cult of The Blue Flamingo, and what do I see!?!?!? YOU DO NOT ENDORSE!? Eh!? WHAT!? EH!.??? You're worse than the Shrinemaster over at the Ruin! You better clarify yourself Dick or I'll be having to take DRASTIC action you hear!? I MEAN IT! Even I cannot be held responsible for the course of action I REALLY WILL take if you don't start promoting my Blue cult and making me famous! You better watch it! I swear by the blue feathers on my testes that I'll rip your dog-collar away from your neck so fast... I AM BLUE! HEAR MY TRILL!

5/2/00 6:04 pm The Blue Flamingo at COD

OK. The only reason I am helping you Shrine-lovers over here is because that Rev Dick has really REALLY upset me! HE DOESN'T ENDORSE MY CULT!! Can you believe that!? OK I know you all hate me but come on! At least you respected my cult enough to hate it, he doesn't even acknowledge it! I'M FAMOUS DAMMIT I'm the only blue flamingo in the world! Look at what I told him over at his ministry: "Hey REV DICKLESS! Who do you think you are!? I join your cult and take a look at your interesting links page to see if you are promoting my excellent ANTI-COD cult, The Cult of The Blue Flamingo, and what do I see!?!?!? YOU DO NOT ENDORSE!? Eh!? WHAT!? EH!.??? You're worse than the Shrinemaster over at the Ruin! You better clarify yourself Dick or I'll be having to take DRASTIC action you hear!? I MEAN IT! Even I cannot be held responsible for the course of action I REALLY WILL take if you don't start promoting my Blue cult and making me famous! You better watch it! I swear by the blue feathers on my testes that I'll rip your dog-collar away from your neck so fast... I AM BLUE! HEAR MY TRILL!" So if you don't believe me I don't know who to turn to... oh my I couldn't even face the prospect of going and asking for Whine-master's help. Hmm. Anyways, here it is. You can buy a bedazzler at www.artcraftmall.com I think. Ok. That's all the help you're getting. -A very disgruntled but liking COD more than the DICK over at the ministry Blue Flamingo- ps. I still hate you all you know, even you TOS, so don't go getting any ideas that I'm going soft ok!?

5/2/00 8:07 pm The Rev. responds to the Blue Flamingo

Look, there's no need to get angry about this. When I wrote that, you hadn't even joined my ministry yet, and I didn't know anything about you. Besides, in case you hadn't noticed I'm trying to run a biblically-based fundamentalist ministry here, so I'm limited in what I can support. If I come out in a favor of a cult that has members with names like "the bytch of evyl" it COULD lead to some uncomfortable questions at Bible-study class, you know what I mean? Rest assured, if you are truly dedicated to fighting Dan, you have my support where it counts. How about: "COD Deliverance Ministries fully respects the anti-COD aims of COTBF, though we may not always agree on strategy and methods." Would that do? Just trying to keep the peace, Rev. Dick

 
 

5/2/00 7:54 pm The Rev. responds to TOS

TOS, I wish you'd stop trying to play the badass cult leader. It's just not you. You're a gentle, loving person—sometimes a little too loving, but we can deal with your "self-control" issues later. I think, among all the multiple personalities, you represent Dan's tender and sensitive side. I understand that you're angry about losing your goat, but remember what Betsy said: it was Dan's abuse that drove her away. See? It's the Dan personality that's the problem! Just think how much better your life would be if Dan just WASN'T AROUND any more? You could be reunited with Betsy then. All signs suggest that the Dan personality is starting to SHRIVEL UP AND DIE! Why don't you just try to help the process along a little bit? You won't regret it, I promise. By the way, I really do understand your sadness at losing Betsy. She is a delight. I think all that goatmistress/enforcer stuff must have been Dan's bad influence, because since she's been with me, she's been as meek as a little lamb. Intelligent, dedicated, and completely charming. I now think that she is going to be THE major asset at CDM, and I want to pay tribute to her publicly for her many fine qualities. Take a bow, Betsy love, you deserve it! Rev. Dick

5/2/00 8:02 pm Karaoke Gargling Babushka

DONT LISTEN TO HIM TOS! He's trying to manipulate you into leaving dan. Dan who loves you very much. Ive strapped an apple pie to my champion swimming brother, who is headed off the coast to where Dan is even as we speak. Dick, I've written you a song. Here goes.: Dick.... You are a prick.... You make me sick... so leave COD alone.. Or you'll be 'accident' prone.. And we'll.. um.. disconnect your phone... oh never mind, Im not very good at this right now, Im VERY ANGRY! I'll be sending you an apple pie too Dick if COD isnt back to normal soon! and Im gonna stick it right up your A**!!!! Karaoke Gargling Babushka... or KGB It's also Kielbasa, but since I was singing I thought Karaoke went better.

5/2/00 8:34 pm Nordic COD drone Silly Tribal Dance, or STD

*sits on a stubb with his sheep Bunhilda whom he was given by Betsy before she suddenly turned against the wonderful words of Dan and started having her own will and this bisarre love for a little man with pointy ears called Binky, sitting and happily spanking his sheep he hears these dreadflnesses Getting up he starts rubbing hi nipples* What is this ..what do you want free will for when you can listen to the voice of Dan .. and Betsy, you horny spank wanting goat .. if you have free will and a clear mind ..then look at Binky ,spinky the liar and see that he is only using you ..CAN'T YOU EVEN SEE THAT ???  Now i will call for my willing norse mountain sheep and we will all have a party, with wild orgies and jello *tosses jello at the cheeseburger man * yes you want it do as me and don't think it is so wonderful I praise you Dan

Chapter 8: Betsy makes a move
Return to top

5/3/00 3:43 am Betsy at CDM

Oh Thank you rev. Dick, thank you so much! How can I ever repay you? I would like to do all that I possibly can to help you with this fine ministry of yours. If there is anything I can do to help you maintain this club or your web site, please, just say the word. I am at your disposal. Often times, when I was under the sway of that poor, sad deluded man Dan, I would help him maintain his club by sending out club emails, helping him edit the club page, and even writing for his newsletter. It makes me sad now to know that I did so much to help this man mislead so many. However, if I can USE the club maintenance experience I gained at COD to help you here at COD-deliverance ministries, then perhaps some good can come from my ordeal.  Your loving friend, Betsy

5/3/00 3:47 am TOS at COD

Betsy has not only deserted us, she is now HELPING rev. Dick maintain and expand his ministry. If Betsy helps in the administration of this foul ministry, we are doomed. She not only has security access to EVERYTHING here at COD, she is an aggressive, motivated goat. She could whip them into a first rate club in no time. Read what she just posted over there: Oh Thank you rev. Dick, thank you so much! How can I ever repay you? I would like to do all that I possibly can to help you with this fine ministry of yours. If there is anything I can do to help you maintain this club or your web site, please, just say the word. I am at your disposal. Often times, when I was under the sway of that poor, sad deluded man Dan, I would help him maintain his club by sending out club emails, helping him edit the club page, and even writing for his newsletter. It makes me sad now to know that I did so much to help this man mislead so many. However, if I can USE the club maintenance experience I gained at COD to help you here at COD-deliverance ministries, then perhaps some good can come from my ordeal.  Your loving friend, Betsy  It gets worse by the minute

5/3/00 4:34 am Dan

Hi! This message is coming to you from Nirvana. When I died a while back my spirit went to Nirvana, the afterlife,just as it is supposed to. Now that I am in a coma, my spirit is hanging out there again. I have several things to say, and I can't stay long. First, to TOS< my beloved son (and father) you are doing a spectacular job. I know you are very inexperienced with megalomania, but I am pleased to see that you have been a real jerk to DCBWB, Dick, Binky, and the traitor whose name I can not even bear to SPEAK. (treacherous goat) being a jerk to your enemies is a GREAT first step, and maintaining Fresh COD, the orgies, and MOST importantly,the COLLECTION plate, are all signs that you have what it takes to be a true power mad megalomaniacal object of worship. Good job son, I am proud. Also, I want to make sure you reward KGB for succesfully completing the Quest for the Holy Bedazzler. With it, I may be able to return to you. Whatever you do, do NOT let Binky or Dick get to the bedazzler first!!!! This is IMPERATIVE!! Also, see if STD's willing norse mountain sheep bunhilda has any experience with sandwich spanking and other dominatrix activities. As you all know, we now have an opening at COD for the position of farm animal dominatrix. Finally, to all my loyal drones, as tempting as it may be,don't give in. I know free will may SOUND tempting, but do you really want to go back to the way you were? Thinking, worrying, paying attention to personal hygiene? All the joy and pleasure and sexual gratification you give to COD is returned a hundred fold when you get to Nirvana, trust me, I know, I have been here twice now. In fact, as we speak, I am being serenaded by the heavens gate choir, (they were actually looking for a different afterlife, but their spaceship ran out of gas so they hang out here now) and being bathed by the swedish bikini cave women team. (prehistoric CODlemites and popular beer spokeswomen in Bedrock). Well, I must go now, but hopefully soon I will be able to return to you in bodily form as well. Just get me that bedazzler, as soon as possible! Dan- even in a coma my silicon friends look perky

5/3/00 4:52 am Betsy

I LOOOOOVE you! All of you! No really I do, and I want you to be FREE, FREE, FREE as the wind! So you can all lead nice, settled, normal lives, no more of Dan and his silly ceremonial orgies, or his mind altering psychotropic substances,or his second rate poetry! Come join rev. Dick and I at COD deliverance ministries (the great thing is you can STILL give away all your money, but instead of giving it to a weird cult, you can give it to a deserving ministry!) As proof that Dan is off his rocker, he has just posted a message claiming that he is 'channeling' his spirit from Nirvana even though he isn't dead, just sort of shriveling up. What a sad, sad sight. I only hope the reverend puts a stop to this latest nonsense of his. His bedazzler quest is just an attempt to rally the trops. I pray the good reverend can get his hands on this silly trinket first, then he can prove to Dan and his drones that it is just a silly toy, and that Dan is just a sick man. It could potentially do harm if he convinces the weak willed among you that it has some sort of spiritual value. I would hate to see that happen. your friend in the lord, (and I do NOT mean Dan) Betsy

5/3/00 6:35 am STD

Free you say ? free ? how can you say that ex Holy Goat ..once an icon of our worshipping and the one who lead me to greater sexual experiences with Bunhilda. Yes I'm so greatful for what you have done Betsy ..but now you must snapp out of this silly trance of freedom ..who needs that when you can have jello orgies and kielbasa spanking, give me the fresh COD i say .. look at TOS he is hurting .. he loves you Betsy .. and Binky the evil minion of powercraving manipulator has only tampered with your holy mind  I humbly prise Dan from his Nirvana and hope that the Holy Bedazzler will bring him back to us ..maybe my kaleklinka will bring sppirits up as we wait ..come you mindless freaks ..let us dance *grabs Bunhilda and dances the kalelinka* ~STD~

5/3/00 11:07 am KGB at CDM

Ahem. Betsy. Why do you do this? No matter what you do, Dan's love will always be with you, are you acting out because you arent getting enough attention? Betsy we love you and we dont want to see You get hurt by Big Bad Dick. Hum with me and find your inner flower, and come back to us at COD, your REAL family. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Oh yeah, ya feel it yet? Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

5/3/00 12:15 pm DCBWB

Rev. Dick, if Dan knew I was telling you this, he'd probably fly into one of his megalomaniac rages. Good thing he's not conscious. I feel it is my duty, since you've been so good to me, to tell you the inside info I gleaned as a Fresh COD staffer. Dan is actually NOT a competent cult leader. Sure, he's great with the glamorous aspects of cult-leading: being a dead sexy, witty, MANtastic yet provocatively feminine guy who makes everybody want to drop to their knees and ... um ... worship. Even his worst enemies have always admitted, he is supreme in those areas. But running a big cult takes organization and managerial skills and an eye for detail, and Dan just hasn't got that. He's usually too busy doing chemical experiments on his body, or playing with his drones in the jello vat (mmmm ... must be strong ... must not think about that ...). As for day-to-day cult-management, Betsy pretty well CARRIED Dan. She was the one who kept things running smoothly. She leaves, and look what happens? Dan slips into a coma. The cult is being run by a guy whose previous decision-making experience is limited to which nipple to clip his tie to. And Fresh COD is being largely written by an eggplant. Stealing Betsy was a great coup. But the thing COD fears the most is that you might really start using Betsy's management skills over at the ministry. That will be the death-blow for COD. They will never recover. Just a thought. Your grateful friend and supporter, Double Cheeseburger With Bacon

5/3/00 2:17 pm Quivering Monkey Pudding at CDM

uhm, i actually never realized anybody handled the day to day stuff of the cult, i just thought it was you know, magic. but if it was betsy all along, then it sure is a good thing we have her over here! if only i had discovered this fine ministry years ago, then i would have been right with the lord and members of congress never would have asked for my resignation. Janet Reno (recovering cult member, and no longer suffering from multiple personalities. janedoecoddronejj is no more)

5/3/00 2:31 pm Binky at CDM

I have a couple problems. One: Betsy, why are you spending so much time with Dick, you still love ME right? two: Dan, I don't believe he is in a coma, and I don't believe a cheezy arts thing called 'the bedazzler' from the 80's really means a frickin thing. I think Dan is trying to swerve us. Be careful rev. he is up to something. I know how he thinks, he WANTS you to believe this thng, this 'bedazzler' has magical properties. Actuallyhe wants you to believe that HE believes it, then he wants you to do something aboutit so he can hit you when you aren't looking. Don't take the bait. third: I don't like the way you and Betsy are looking at each other, I am a dead sexy magic elf and I killed Dan once before. You don't want to make me angry Binky You better let ME run things around here, not Betsy. No offense Bets, I still love you

5/3/00 4:09 pm Shrinemaster at COD

A press conference has just been held at The Ruin Webzine offices in front of the world's press. The Shrinemaster made a statement on whether The Ruin Webzine would stay COD-affiliated or confirm the rumours that it was about to allign itself firmly and strongly with the newly formed COD Deliverance Ministries. Full details at this link: http://www.oocities.org/leebebbs/press.html

A press conference was held this evening of Wednesday 3rd April 2000 in the offices of the Ruin Webzine, UK. A statement was read out before the world's press by the editor The Shrinemaster, aka Lee. Here is a transcript of the statement:

"As many of you know, I am editor of now the most popular webzine on yahoo clubs. We have in fact just broken the 60 member mark and this is an achievement I am proud of. We have had many friends in this four month journey, most notably Dan from the COD cult. We have also gained our fair share of detractors and tormentors. We are not worried by criticism.

However, despite our close allegiances with other clubs we have to consider the future of "Our Webzine". I am fully aware that members of The Forum are also members of COD, COD Deliverance Ministries, COTBF, Donkey Mafia and so on. My main concern is The Ruin.

In order to make The Ruin webzine the MOST popular and consistent webzine on yahoo I have to develop associations with clubs and organisations which I feel, as editor, will bring the greatest benefit to us all. It is with this in mind that I make the following statements:

As from 21:00 GMT, The Ruin Webzine and all associated clubs COTBF and COD ASS are from this moment on under the total control of The Shrinemaster. As such, The Blue Flamingo has agreed to form a truce with The Ruin starting now. As a result of this I announce that as of 22:00 GMT tonight, COD ASS will be taken offline.

You may be wondering why this is so. The reason is quite simple.

EFFECTIVELY IMMEDIATELY: THE RUIN WEBZINE DISASSOCIATES ITSELF WITH COD THE CULT OF DAN AND FRESH COD. WE ARE FULLY COMMITED TO HELPING THE REVERAND DICK PROMOTE HIS CLUB TO IT'S FULLEST.

This is a direct order from THE SHRINEMASTER to all members..... oh and by the way...

5/3/00 5:51 pm Psychedelic COD Baguette at CDM

HAHAHAHA! It was all a set up! I was never under your influence, now you have the combined forces of COD, The Ruin, Don Key, CGPS, CARBON and the COTBF to contend with! Don't you know what Shrine has done and what he IS GOING TO DO Rev!? No? HAHAHAHAHA! Bring on the mayo and let's parttyyyyyyyyy! -psychedelic cod baguette (off to party with Shrine and the real cults)- Larry signing off from the sad Binky led deliverance ministry... heh heh

5/3/00 5:54 pm Psychedelic COD Baguette back at COD

Larry here! It was all a rouse! HAHAHA! Look at what Shrine did! The Rev will be so mad! Now he has to deal with COD, The Ruin, COD ASS, Don Key and the COTBF as well! I was never under the influence so break out the lime jell-o, the apple pies, burn the little packets of tomato ketchup and let the mayo flow! YAHOOOOOO! RUIN ROCKS AND COD IS FOR EVER! Those who are of COD need never fear while basking in the luminescence of Dan. Rev, when those video stills get published on The Ruin you ain't gonna have a leg to stand on, and when Binky sees 'em you better go into hiding my friend! What happened in your old town is nothing to what you're going to come up against! HAHAHAHA! MAYO FREAK SIGNING OFF!

5/3/00 9:18 pm Xenaphobe

Larry, I knew you wouldn't disappoint us! You're still the most colorful cod baguette on Yahoo! We missed you over at the ruin, you little mayo freak, you! ~a very happy Xena!

5/3/00 9:21 pm The Rev., over at CDM, responds to Binky

Look, Binky, I have no desire to offend you, even if you are just a detached personality fragment of Dan. But Betsy and I have been having some long talks recently, and that fascinating creature has been suggesting to me that you may be getting a little too big for your britches. And I have to say, I'm starting to see things her way. Betsy's developing some amazing new strategies for bringing down COD, and she and I are going to be spending a lot of time in conference, working them out. Betsy and I don't wish to involve you in this phase of operations, so there's no need to concern yourself with them for now. If Betsy and I decide that you are needed, we will let you know. Okay? Now, where were we, Betsy my sweet?

 
 

5/3/00 9:27 pm The Rev. responds to Psychedelic COD Baguette

Some Photoshop foolery, no doubt. Betsy and I know where we stand with each other, and soon the whole world will know too. I've never suffered from a fear of fancy French baked goods, and I have no intention of starting now. Show us what you've got! Rev. Dick

Chapter 9: Betsy takes control
Return to top

5/4/00 3:41 am Betsy

I have taken legal action on behalf of COD deliverance ministries and made a special announcement at the ministry. I am still the baddest goat on the planet, only now I am soldier for righteousness, amen. http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/coddeliveranceministries

5/4/00 3:53 am Binky

I have an announcement to. Since Dick and Betsy are squeezing me out, I am acting on my own. I dont care if they are pushing me aside, I was using them anyway, the only way to beat Dan is to turn his followers away (we tried killing him it didn't work), and therefore I am STILL going to help the ministry (even though it is even GOOFIER than me or Dan)Although Dan retuirned from the dead, I am not sure TOS can turn the trick, so the baked bean battalion of flatulent furry ferrets is NOW at COD HQ to take him down. No Betsy,(and no MONEY thanks to Betsy) no Dan, no TOS, means NO COD.  Binky, the games are over. (except that coed naked twister game, I still like that)

5/4/00 4:11 am TOS

We have no money, the ATF may be on the way, and I am fleeing for my life from the same team of super ninja rodents that killed Dan. I am taking Dan's body with me, mainly because I don't have any clothes and I need it to keep warm on the road. Looks like this is the end. TOS

5/4/00 6:48 am Xenaphobe

This is far from the end... there's well over 200 of us CODemites, and I think we can defend COD HQ from *snort* rodents.  ooo, I'm shaking in my boots. Whos' up for a green hamburger b-b-q? I'll bring my spatula! -Don't- bring your bathing suits, you won't be needing them in the kiddie pool full of pudding.  Money? Who needs money? #1) just due to sheer number, we can take anything we want.  #2) How much money do you need to be naked #3) what about the -other- bank account? I know Dan's been hiding some aweay for himself....  #4) What about the funding, TOD, from when you were running for president. there has to be some of that left. We can get around this. Our enemies are a bunch of pussies. They were scary together, but now that they too are falling apart (even though they won't addmit it), they're doomed! Our only -real- fear is Betsy. poor poor burdened Betsy... eh, i don't feel sorry for the slut. I bet she's even growing her fur back.    ~Xena  oh my, I just relized taht i accidently called TOS, "TOD". heh heh..... that's silly.

 
 
 
 

5/4/00 11:32 am The Rev.

I have exciting news for you all. I've been in conference for the last day or so with the delightful Betsy. She has set events in motion which will finish COD for ever. I'll let her tell it in her own words: "Slander and defamation of character are crimes. We here at COD deliverance ministries intend to see to it that criminals are punished to the full extent of the law. I have begun legal actions against the CDM's enemies to prove our innocence, and also extract a hefty legal sum. Even if we don't win the lawsuit, we have the financial resources to tie this case up in court forever. You see, I have accessed COD's Swedish Bank account and now have ALL of COD's wealth. hundreds of members that have given everything they own,(not to mention the things Dan ordered them to STEAL from others) are now being used to fund our holy work. I have hired a team of superlawyers that would make OJ's dream team look like a bunch of hacks, and, as you must know by know, the attorney general of the Unites States is on our side. Government intervention by the United States is imminent. Waco was a camp fire compared to what the ATF is going to do to COD. Maybe to the CGPS, Ruin, and CARBON as well. You can't stop out ministry. We have righteousness on our side." Also, the CDM website is set to undergo a major expansion. It will now feature "The Shocking Confessions of Betsy the Goat", a serialized novel-length account of Dan's life of abuse, which will insure that his name lives forever in infamy. To accomplish these objectives, Betsy has now been promoted to Co-Executive Director. She will have founder's status in the club, full access to the website, and full authority to conduct the final assault on the citadel of COD.

5/4/00 11:33 am The Rev.

Betsy, you are a jewel. You are my consort battleship. The thumper to my Bible. The list in my fundament. You put the fear in God-fearing. Over these past few days, you have taught me so much about true friendship and trust. I just know that this is the beginning of something truly beautiful. Your loving friend, Rev. Dick

5/4/00 11:34 am The Rev.

This is it, folks. TOS has fled, and declared COD officially closed. It's over. Warning: The U.S. government is now moving in to rescue you. This may involved blowing you up, or burning you to a crisp, so it's better for your long term general health if you leave, voluntarily, before they get here. THIS IS A GENERAL EVACUATION ORDER. LEAVE NOW.

5/4/00 1:14 pm Don Key

Well, well, well, using the government to help you, well I wonder how they'd react to $40 Billion! Don Key, GOTDM

5/4/00 2:04 pm Dan

Well, as most of you know, I was in a coma. I have returned thanks to the assistance of the Holy Bedazzler (thanks again KGB, you have served COD well). I have a major announcement to make. Recently, COD HQ closed up shop after Betsy the goat helped the rev Dick from COD deliverance ministries steal all the money that I stole in the first place. uhm actually, what I meant to say was the money that I freed all of you from, to make you better happier people. Also, the attorney general of the US (who we know by her alter ego Janedoecoddronejj) ordered an attack by the ATF on the COD compound, and Binky ordered the same team of rodent assassins that killed me to kill TOS,my son, the only remaining member of the CODhead. Dark times indeed. Obviously, this situation demands my involvement. It appears COD is gone. I will be making a MAJOR announcement later tonight, by or before 2 AM eastern standard time. All those loyal to COD will want to hear what the future will hold. TOS is with me and we are on the road at the moment, we will be making a joint statement, (that means we will have a joint as we make a statement, during this crisis I REALLY need one) Dan sit tight, I will try to come up with something. What I need most now is for you all to pray (to me)until later tonight. And maybe tickle my bum, I really like that.

5/4/00 2:09 pm Uhlfr of C.A.R.B.O.N.

Fear not Dan worshipers. As per the terms of our alliance (signed in secret with Dan shortly after his rebirth in the Jell-o tub) 200 highly trained and very deadly llama nija assasins have been dispatched to COD HQ and await the arrival of the Government. Also we were able stop the Green Cow from sending its Black Helicopter squadron (imagine some people actully think those black helicopters belong to the UN! HA HA HA!!). Many valuable CARBON spies died but in the end we were able syphon all the gas out of the helicopter's gas tanks with hoses. The unfortunate death were the result of gas poisoning since they forgot to bring cans to syphon the gas into and were forced to swallow the helicopter fuel instead. That really doesn't matter though, the point is it worked... It certainly wasn't me who was supposed to bring the cans.... and I didn't oversleep and miss the operation either, so don't believe anybody who says that!!!  Only evil could be against COD and its allies. We must stand together against this Rev. Genital Area and his so called moral crusade!! THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR JELL-O!!!!! "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." - H. G. Wells Uhlfr the mad Viking

5/4/00 2:26 pm Dan’s love-child Princess Slaya

I still love you Daddy. Will you pick me up in the truck so I can sit on your lap? I'll bring some lime Jell-o popcicles with me. It would make me feel so much better to be with my Daddy during these HARD times.    -B.A.H.-

5/4/00 2:42 pm Dan

OK, even in my distress, THAT cheered me up a little. But right now it is safer if TOS and I stayed on the road alone. Rest assured, I WILL set aside LOTS of 'quality time' for us. You can sit on my lap, we can talk about the spankings you will get for being a naughty girl/cow hybrid, and I can help you pick out a new princess laya outfit to wear. You really are much prettier than her my prescious little pumpkin (did I just say "pump-kin"?hmmmmmm)

5/4/00 4:18 pm Xenaphobe

I've been hiding under the over-turned jello vat for about an hour and a half now... I still hear them walking around outside.. someone, anyone HELP US! here they come.. oh COD ~Xena

5/4/00 4:34 pm Don Key

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! **machine gun fires all over the place and bodies fall everywhere** Die Anti-COD scum! TRY NOT TO SHOOT THE CODITES BOYS!!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!  We have Betsy! we want you to surrender to COD otherwise we start sending her to you bit-by-bit! By the way, how is Binky after we shot him! Don Key, GOTDM

5/4/00 6:03 pm Xenaphobe

*whimper whimper* -looks out from under onver-turned vat- are they gone? Thanks Donkey Mafia! Don Key, you're my hero! I wonder if Binky bleeds blue?  ~Xena

5/4/00 6:14 pm Xenaphobe

I've been trying to get into COD Deliverance Ministry all afternoon... could it be completely disarmed, or is this a Yahell mess-up? Let's pray (to Dan) that it's not the later.   ~Xena

Chapter 10: Betsy has a surprise for Dick
Return to top

5/5/00 12:33 am Dan

Oh and I DID ask you to sit tight and pray. I know you meant well, but you hit the wrong building. You have laid waste to a Southern baptist rehearsal for a play reenacting the birth of jesus. The goat you kidnapped is NOT Betsy, it's a 6 year old in a sheep costume, and the elf you shot was NOT Binky but a midget gym teacher dressed as a shepherd. But hey, at least you didn't kill any COD members. After all, it's the thought that counts.

Betsy my dear, you have the stage.

5/5/00 12:46 am Betsy

Thank you oh mighty and BELOVED CODfather. Dear Reverend Dick, by now you have noticed you are unable to access COD deliverance ministries. The reason is this: I shut it down. I shut YOU down. Why you ask? Well, I get off on screwing up the plans off zipperheads like YOU, it makes my udders quiver with delight! It's frickin great! I NEVER abandoned Dan, I was USING you. Binky was absolutely right, the greatest threat to COD is a massive deprogramming effort, so when one came along, it was my supreme goatly pleasure to burn it down. The fact that I also got a bit of retribution for your abuses against me as a young goat, well, thats just GRAVY baby! DICK IS A DICK, SING IT TO THE MOUNTAINS! Damn I love me, I am so much more than a nice set of udders.  With LOOOOOOVE, Betsy- Kick ass goat dominatrix AND member of the sacred CODly trinity, FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GOAT!

5/5/00 12:52 am TOS

I am SOOOO glad I don't have to pretend I am in charge anymore! what a relief! Quick, somebody spank my bottom with... oh I don't think a kielbasa OR a sandwich will be enough, spank me with a BUICK! TOS PS-Dick, did you REALLY think the yin to MY yang, the 'matzo' to my 'balls' and 'kum' to my 'qwat' would EVER leave me? The thing that shocks me is that no one KNEW Betsy was just trying to weasel her way in to CDM to get promoted to founder so she could shut it down. We are not only insane, we are GREAT liars. You pretty much need to be to run a cult.

5/5/00 1:03 am Dan

you may be wondering why we fled COD HQ. We knew Binky would send his crack ninja rodent squad (the baked bean batalion of flatulent furry ferrets)after TOS when TOS and I hit the road. This allows us to gain some measure of revenge. These little smelly critters killed me once, now I intend to return the favor. Of course, we disbanded nothing, we still have all MY money, and we still have an FLGTA army, crocodile AND bunny armies, and Betsy's goat mistresses army, they have laid a trap for the B.B.B. of F.F.F.'s and have them trapped. Don Key, if you are done offing Baptist actors, would you care to do the honors? My would-be assassins are trapped in this abandoned warehouse. I've always wanted to watch a mafia hit go down up close. Godfather, practice your art. Bye Bye crispy critters.

5/5/00 1:20 am Quivering Monkey Pudding

let me get this right, you guys actually believed i am attorney general janet reno? wow, you guys really are brainwashed.

dan asked me to help him with this scam he was pulling. he promised me that brad pitt would be my personal leg shaver for eternity in nirvana after we die. seemed like a good deal, and i just do what dan tells me to anyway, because i am still the concubine formerly known as janedoecoddronejj, renamed 'quivering monkey pudding' by my lord and savior, dan i hope this means i can go back in to the cermeonial lime jello orgy tub, i havent spent more than a couple minutes away since dan made me aconcubine, was starting to get antsy

5/5/00 2:36 am Psychedelic COD Baguette

Sure we were a bit worried, but deep in our hearts we knew that the holy trininty could never really have been damaged. If you pull the leaves off a clover it shrivels and dies, Dan did start shrivelling but did he die? No, so the shrivelling was a pretence! As long as the posts kept coming in, we knew unconciously that everything would turn out alright, because the father is the son, and the son is the father, and they're both the holy goat and er... what about the daughter? Oh dear... anyway, I'm just waiting for The Mafia hit later today, it's gonna be cool. Lots of big explosions. Shrine has got his video camcorder out and he's decided to tape this magnificent spectacle on the 'supposed' footage of Rev and Betsy, which of course was my silly idea. There never really was any footage... ahem... honestly. I mean, if there was (which there wasn't) we would just tape over it. Obviously. Erm... it's not like we'd keep it just in case this was a deliberate double bluff by the COD Deliverance Ministries to re-infiltrate COD just because Dan had come back to life and Betsy was still deprogrammed or anything. Honest! So, let the mayo flow! Sings "Lettttt the mayooo flow! Let the mayo flow! Lettttt the mayooo flow! Let the mayo flow!" Everyone at The Ruin sends their congratulations, like I said Shrine is gonna tape the hit on the BBB FFF when Don Key and his gang arrive, Blue Flamingo has even started truce negotiations with us he is so impressed by Betsy's cunning plan! We know Feo still wants to kill him, but I'm beginning to suspect that Blue is infatuated with her. Now she'll definitely want to kill him! Hmmm. I think this all calls for a MASSIVE celebration. Let me think about it and I'll get back to you all...

5/5/00 8:46 am Xenaphobe

So much has happened.... Ok, WELCOME BACK BETSY! ALL HAIL THE GOAT-GODDESS O FTHE CODHEAD! Oooh, I'm so relieved you're back, goat mistress! I hated having to hate you. I should've known it was all a ruse, but being a mindless Dan drone, when Dan calls you a name and goes into a coma... well.. I have to despise whoever caused that to happen! Make no mistake, I love you as much as I ever did before.  Haha! I can wait to watch the mob hit!  I'm an apple baking pie fiend! whoo-hoo! ~Xena

5/5/00 10:24 am DCBWB

Whew, am I glad to be back. Three days conducting a sting operation in that no-drinking no-smoking no-nookie ministry, I was climbing the walls! The worst part was, I almost had to think for myself a couple of times. But Betsy kept whacking me upside the head and giving me orders whenever the Dickhead wasn't looking, so I never actually lost my precious Dan-programming. Thanks, Betsy, you are the goat-queen of my dreams! So .. um, err ... anyone up for the jell-O vat? <eyes it hungrily> DCBWB   There's no place like COD ... There's no place like COD ...

Chapter 11: Dick's new job
Return to top

5/5/00 11:40 am The Rev.

As you vindictive bastards must all know by now, COD Deliverance has been wiped out. In addition, the bank account containing my entire life's savings, which I gave Betsy access to so she could deposit the COD drones' money, has been cleaned out and closed. Guess we know who'll be paying for the drinks and snacks at your next orgy! Obviously, I am unable to continue. The CDM offices and the website at: http://www.oocities.org/revdick2000 have been taken over by ... er ... Binky. Yeah, I know. The elf I said did not exist. He managed to convince me of his existence by kicking me around the office for half an hour or so. He's not too happy about the way I behaved over Betsy. But since I have no money, he's agreed to employ me as general office help. I've already been issued with my scrub-brush and bottle of toilet-bowl cleaner. I hate you all. But most of all, I hate Dan. If I hadn't discovered his loony cult, I'd still have my home, my wife and my soup kitchen. Now, it looks like I'll be ending my days scrubbing the toilet of a psychotic elf. <sob> This is SOOOO humiliating ...

5/5/00 12:43 pm Betsy

Really? You hate Dan more than me? Oh I can easily see why you hate Dan, but it WAS me that stuck the knife in your back. Perhaps I should have twisted it a bit more. Does this mean you don't LOOOOOOVE me anymore dicky baby?  Betsy Being bad feels pretty frickin good

5/5/00 1:40 pm Don Key

Sorry Dan, I didn't mean to kill all those baptists, damn, well back to business! I will deal with your kidnapped friends at the baptists and am now going back to finding the Godmother! Don Key, GOTDM

5/5/00 5:06 pm Dan

Well, I must say you are thorough. I think some of those people could have been converted to COD, but as long as you help us take down the baked bean battalion of flatulent furry ferrets, all will be right with the COD/Don Key Mafia alliance. We have them surrounded in an abandoned warehouse but Binky will probably be sending reinforcements soon. If he can save his ninja rodent hit squad he will, we need to have these rabid rodents rubbed out, right away! Dan -these is the same elite force that killed me a couple weeks ago, COD will be eternally grateful if you can help us finish them off. It'll MORE than make up for that unfortunate business with the midget gym teacher.

5/5/00 5:22 pm Binky

OK Dicky boy lets review: 1) I told you I was Dan's mutant elf love child and mortal enemy. Despite your insistence to the contrary, you now know that I am in fact, Dan's mutant elf love child and mortal enemy 2) I told you Dan was not really in a coma and was planning a swerve. Dan was NOT really in a coma and he WAS planning a swerve 3) I told you to promote ME to founder of CDM NOT Betsy, and now Betsy has cleaned you out.  You had the right idea, the motivation, the underlying mental instability, we could have ACCOMPLISHED something, we could have taken out Dan, and he KNOWS it, thats why went through this elaborate ruse. If only you had done what I told you to do. Well, Maybe Dan was right all these years, most people just shouldn't be allowed to think for themselves.  Hey,where the hell did you get that scrub brush!?!? I want you to shine this bathroom with your HANDS! And If you give me any lip, I am going to turn you over to either the stealth baboons or the DonKey mafia. You owe me your LIFE now Rev Dick.  PS-how the hell did you believe Dan and I were the same person? He's like, 3 feet taller than me?

5/5/00 5:23 pm Dan

oh dont forget Binky, I am not only 3 feet taller, I am ALSO better looking.

5/5/00 5:59 pm Xenaphobe

yeah, and you have the trophey to proove it! He certainly got the shallow end of the gene pool. TOS is the truely gifted child! Who needs that sencond set of chromosomes?   ~Xena

5/6/00 12:17 pm KGB

I am very glad to see Dan is OK and defeated that unholy minion known as Rev Dick. However, even though he IS the scum of the earth, the lowest of the low, not even worthy to be the dirt Dan trods over, we CAN'T just leave him to the hands of Binky. I think we should get him into COD and Reprogram him, so we can always have control over him in case he tries something against Dan again.  We love Dick, and Im sure he'd rather be in a Jello vat of fun than scrubbing the bathroom with his hands.. But if he likes that sort of thing, cant he do it for Dan too? Signing off,  KGB ~ The liberator of the Holy Bedazzler

5/6/00 1:02 pm Xenaphobe

That's very noble of you, dandronejj, but aren't you afraid that he'll want revenge, and try to pull the same thing we pulled on him?  Anyone here familiar with the works of Ice-T? "Evil Dick! Damn dick..."  ~Xena

5/6/00 1:11 pm KGB

Who said we were going to let him have any control like he unwittingly gave Betsy? I just think he'd make another fine little drone, and be fun to play with.. hehe.. once he's been Reprogramed, of Course. KGB

5/6/00 1:49 pm Dan

well, Dan is a merciful, loving, forgiving COD. However, I am also a RIGHTEOUS COD. Since Dick CHOSE to reject the splendor that is me, it is his OWN doing that he is to suffer eternal damnation washing toilets with his hands for the evil psychotic elf known as Binky. It makes me sad to have to boot his ass into suffering and torment, but hey, what can I do? Some people resist brainwashing, what is a merciful, loving, yet megalomaniacal schizophrenic cult leader to do? Dan I still LOVE Dick, but my hands are tied.

5/6/00 2:30 pm Xenaphobe

yes, but the man *is* a weaske, and we may have to be extra careful with him. i think it's an excellent idea, though. Just pointing out where we may need to be cautious. ~Xena

5/6/00 3:49 pm DCBWB

Dan is right(eous), as always. In his last message, Dick still sounded like he was blaming us. He even called us "vindictive"! Us! What can you do with a guy who has an attitude like that? Someday he may come crawling to Dan, admitting his errors and begging for a brainwashing. Then I suppose Dan might give him one, since He is merciful (and Dan's methods are very thorough, so we would never have to worry about him again, Xenaphobe!). Or He might refuse, since He is mysterious. But given Dick's current attitude, it looks like he may have to spend a very long time with his head in that toilet. Some people are really hard to help. On the other hand, we've grown by about 35 members since Dick came in here, and at least part of that may be publicity spinoff from the COD/Ruin anti-Dick crusade. So Dick: while you were destroying your life, you were also helping us to become stronger and more successful. Hope that makes you feel a little better! DCBWB

5/6/00 9:16 pm KGB

Since it is Dan's desire to let Dick rot in toliet-scrubbing, Binky-serving hell, I must agree, because Dan is never wrong. KGB

5/7/00 1:04 am Dan

she's right you know. I am never wrong, here KGB, have a cookie for being so wise in the ways of me!

5/10/00 7:22 pm Fresh COD, the official publication of COD the Cult of Dan, bids a fond and final farewell to Dick

FRESH COD! Because enslaved minds want to know!

THE TOP STORY! (by T.T.S. the eggplant) CODhead REunited!: Radical fundamentalist CODlemites breathed a sigh of relief this past week as the CODhead reunited and the temptation of Dick (reverend Dick that is) was eliminated. Betsy the goat showed once again why she is the "not-virgin Mother of COD" by tricking the reverend into sharing authority over COD deliverance ministries with her. Betsy then used this power and informaion to close CDM once and for all, ending the threat to our minions mindlessness. Binky the elf managed to save the ministry from total annihilation but has reduced Dick himself to the role of toilet bowl washer. The only promotional potential available to the rev. at this point is he may someday be awarded a brush. Fundamentalist COD-lemites are already warning their children "Don't disobey Dan or ever think for yourself, because if you do, you will be forced to spend eternity in the bathroom cleaning toilets for Binky the psychotic evil elf". Truer words were never spoken. At least not here.

BETSY THE GOAT: GOOD TO BE BACK! It was a terrible ordeal for those of us participating in the sting operation over at CDM to be away from COD for so long. Occassionally I would sneak in a bowl of lime jell-0 and DCBWB and I would smother each other with it, but then rev. Dick would show up and we would claim to have accidentally fallen in it. Naked. At the same time. While spanking each other. He bought it EVERY time. Frickin half wit! Actually, come to think of it, he very nearly IS mindless enough to get recruited into COD. But he has been condemned to torment with Binky. There is MORE good news though. I have ownership of his soup kitchen now, and have decided to make good use of it. He makes all his soup in the MASSIVE vat, so I have decided to make it the companion vat to our jell-0 vat. This one is full of chicken noodle soup, so I hereby declare our first ceremonial chicken noodle soup orgy OPEN!

On to the Battle of ArmageddonBack to Main Page