March 22nd, Wednesday

Uhh, again 3 days have gone by since i wrote anything here. I'm getting to be lazy. *chuckle* But actualy, that's not true. Even though i don't write quite as often as in the first days, the length of the individual entries has increased, so there's just as much to read as in the beginning. And i reached the 2000 hits mark this sunday, which makes me quite proud. But anyway, excuse this little moment of reflection, now we'll jump straight back into the story.

On Monday i went to see the psychologist for the projective tests. Turns out that these were simply the rohrschach-test (you know, the inkblots) and another one who's name i forget where she showed me pictures and i had to make up a little story about what was happening. The rohrschach was okay, except for one image where i felt a little panick coming on. The other one was, frankly, fun. Though i don't know what she made of my stories. She'll be sending the results to dr. Chatton (the gender-specialist). When it was over she asked me if i had any questions, and me being me i asked: "well, how weird am i?" Obviously this question can't be answered quite that simply, but she said that i'm certainly different from "normal" people (but that "normals" aren't really very normal either). I'm certainly interested in what she finds out. When it was all done i was quite surprised that only 1 hour had gone by. I had been so involved, i felt that we'd been at it at least twice that long.

Yesterday was marked by quite a different event. I was invited for a talk with my employer and the boss of the firm we work for. As you might guess i was quite nervous about this, it isn't every day you have a personal meeting with your boss and his boss too. But although it it was quite scary, and i sweated quite a lot out of nervousness, it was basicaly all good news. First they explained that MCI, (not MCI telecomunications, this is a different MCI) is creating an inhouse helpdesk, and that they would like me to transfer out of CompuWeb (my current employer) into MCI to help run that department. Then they added that i would receive a raise (finaly, i need that), plus a gradual increase from there, depending on me keeping up my performance (i can understand that they don't quite trust me on that account, my performance has been known to go through wild fluctuations, but i'm confident that if i don't get a relapse of anorexia or anything that i can deliver what they ask). Both these points are very much in accord with my own ideas. I've been defining my work more and more as helpdesk anyway, and by transferring to MCI i would just be making the de-facto situation official.

Third my future employer mentioned that he understood that i had some debts. (true, i'm several month's behind on health-insurance and the rent, there are a couple of other minor bills, and i've maxed out my postal account, together that makes about 3000$.) So he offered me a plan where he would pay my debts, and i would start paying him back with my next sheduled raise. It would be interest free as well. I think that i'll accept this too.

The last bit of the meeting was about the changes that they have observed in me in the last 2 or 3 months (evidently my emerging female side). My (soon to be ex-) employer said that he didn't really understand anything about what was going on. My future employer evidently had more of an idea. I don't really know howcome he knew so much about my situation and projects, but i think somebody must have talked. But anyway, what he said was that if it was the right thing to do for me then it was okay with him. He also said that he couldn't support any wild escapades in the office, for example that i couldn't come in with make-up or painted fingernails. But that if i did it in an organized manner, with the support of my therapist and planning it with the management, then i could count on their full support for going full-time at the office. And that's something that i defnitly couldn't have with my old employer.

So in the end my scare about this meeting was rather unnecesary, and i felt very relieved afterwards. I've got some major worries taken care of, and a new cool job.

Today wasn't very special, but for the last couple of hours i've been helping my friend Hanna track down a trojan that haad infected her system, and just now she's succeded in finding and identifieing it, so now she can destroy it. I'm proud of my Hanna!!!

Now she's destroyed it! Hereby i officialy promote Hanna to Virus-Hunter 1st Class. Anybody out there got any viruses or trojans to get rid of, you can contact Hanna via me, and she'll get tracking. *chuckle*

With which good news i'll officialy end today's entry.

Thank you for reading,

Love, Ruby

March 28th, Tuesday

Well, usualy i would have started a new page now, but seeing that there was only one entry on this page i'll continue here. Sorry that i didn't write anything the whole week. I hope that i didn't keep anybody on their toes.

I'll skip most of last week because nothing really interesting happened. On Friday i was in a real slump, mainly out of lonelyness. Here's what i wrote to the antijen-list then:

"I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I never know what to say. I just want to cry.

I've been so brave the last couple of weeks. I've been reading all your letters, hearing your joys and your upsets, relishing your successes and worrying about your troubles. But today my puter crashed just as it was getting the mail, and somehow it managed to loose all the new mail. Nobody is on ICQ. My mum, who's my greatest supporter, is away for the weekend. Nobody else is home either. There was a discussion about tg announced on the radio, and then i discovered that i can't receive that station here. After that i didn't know what to do anymore. I surfed the net, but i couldn't connect to anything.

Then i started to cry. Just a very little. Just enough to realize how good it would feel to have somebody hold me in their arms and hug me. I would cry for ages. But then my tears just dried up. Now my eyes feel like sandpaper, and i wish i could cry.

All that people ever see of me these days is how much better i'm doing. And i really am doing better. I sleep better, i eat better, i don't make myself throw up because i hate myself, i work better, i don't hate myself anymore just my body, sometimes i can even convince myself that i'm beautiful. I haven't done any drugs for 2 months. I've got a raise coming for the end of the month. I'm not full-time yet, but i've talked with the management at work and they said that come the time i'll have their full support.

Everybody is being so supportive. But people don't know how much i hurt inside. How much effort it takes. This constant struggle with the body. This constant struggle having to accept that it just takes time. This constant struggle having to pretend to be a guy. It hurts. It hurts even more now then when i'd never experienced my real sex yet. Even the people that know, they don't know how much it hurts to have to change back in the morning, after the weekend. I don't know how much longer i can take this living in-between.

I'm sorry, but i just had to let this out somewhere. Thank you for listening."

But then on Saturday i went to visit my sister in zürich. And that turned out to be a wonderful idea. After i arrived we first went shopping, and i got myself a new pair of pants. Blue-jeans with fraid ends and ribbons stitched on. Then we rented a video, "Ma Vie en Rose". It's about a little boy who knows that when god distributed the x and y chromosomes he made a mistake, and he's going to come and fix it soon. I'd wanted to see that movie for years. On the way home we got stuck in a toy-shop where they had a puzzle started on one of the tables, and we got most of it done before we decided that we had enough. At home we listened to some radio-shows which she had taped for me, one was "beyond man and women" about transgender-issues, the other a talk-show where she'd been invited about gender-issues in general. Then we ordered Pizza, and later met up with her boyfriend who'd been to the opera. We spent quite some time in the bars, discussing the relation between mathematics and music, and then went home late. On the way home some guy passing in the street called out to his friends (in a friendly way, it wasn't threatening) "why has that guy got to women? the two most beautiful women in town!" He was talking about us :) He just quickly voted me one of the 2 most beautiful women in town. Back at home we decided to watch the movie, even though with the time-change it was allready 4am. It's beautiful, really beautiful. I cried and cried and cried, and after it was over i cried even more.

Sunday was really quiet. We only got up in the afternoon, and then i spent most of the time in the bathroom making myself pretty. Afterwards i just had time to have dinner and get on the last train back to geneva. Everything went smoothly, as happens sometimes the ticket-controller noticed what was up when she looked at my rail-pass, but she didn't do a double-take or anything, she just smiled at me.

I think i'll finish here, even though i haven't quite caught up with events yet. But it's fast approaching midnight, and i need to go home.

Love, Ruby

March 29th, Wednesday

Okay, to finish getting caught up. Monday wasn't very special. come to think of it, there's two things that i remember from Monday. One that didn't make me happy at all, that was that when i came here after work i would really have liked to get changed, but a while ago i decided against lugging a huge back-pack with half my wordly belongings in it around where-ever i go, so all my clothes were at home. I'll defnitly have to figure something out so that i can change after work, i hate spending the evening on the puter dressed all in drab.

The thing that made me smile was that when i got home i'd gotten new sheets (i live in a students residence, and every so often they come by and leave behind clean sheets and stuff). Well, usualy i get rough heavy white cotton sheets and duvet-colors. This time a got a brand-new silkyly-smooth sheet with elastics to hold it on and a beautiful soft pastel-blue duvet-cover. This is cool :)

Yesterday after work i had therapy with Dr Chatton, the gender-specialist. So of course i left early enough to get dressed, do my make-up, etc. I guess if you've read all of the diary you know by now how the litany goes. The meeting was so very different from last time. If you remember, last time was very emotional, with me crying all the time. Yesterday i was just very calm. I talked quietly, rather detachedly, keeping my emotional distance. Thinking back i'm not sure that it went better then the first session, but it certainly was easier for me. But i don't think that we got nearly as deep as last time. I am a bit disapointed to report that he is a firm adherrent to the standards of care, and doesn't think that i should get hormones anytime soon. This is makeing me feel quite rebellious, and getting me thinking about how i could accelerate the process. I think going full-time soon might be a good idea. Anyway that is what i'm aiming for. I don't know if perhaps i'm romaticising the effect hormones would have on me. But i really want them. But if i get them without his approval, who knows how he might react. Anyway, he says that he's still evaluating me, and that that will take a couple more sessions. It's difficult for me. On one hand i agree that i have to proceed carefully, on the other hand i have proceeded carefully for the last 20 years. It really isn't a question of whether i'm trans, it's about just how far i need to go to be able to live with myself. I mean, i've known for all my live!

I've made a new online aquaintance. Her name is Élise, she lives in Berlin, Germany. That's in the same time-zone as i'm in, which means that we meet regularly on icq. She's studying law and medicine. So far we get along well, it feels good to finaly be talking real-time with somebody else who's at approximatly the same place as me. She's full-time since the end of last year. Her website is linked here, if you want to go have a peek.

Today was just another humdrum day, not particularly bad nor particularly good. Though for some reason i've been feeling quite well.

Love,

Ruby