February 7th, Monday

Where to start? So much happened this weekend, i barely had time to check my mail on saturday evening, much less update my diary. What's more i caught the flu, so i'm not thinking all to straight (i think). Probably i should just start at the beginning, and proceed via the middle, until i reach the end. Here goes:

Friday night, when i got home, i went by the common dining-area, just to see if anybody i knew was there. Saw Daniela, whom i hadn't seen for ages (we'd had a falling out after a rather unlucky attempt at sketching her portrait). Anyway, that seemed quite forgotten, and she invited me to share her repast (i only had a little, it was past midnight, and i'd allready eaten, but it was very good). She's a very direct woman, so it didn't take long until she asked what the people at work thought about my wearing make-up (i was fully made-up), and from there we started onto a rather intense discussion about all kinds of things, mainly sexuality. Obviously it wasn't possible to get anything across without explaining my rather special standpoint (how do you apply concepts such as gay or hetero to somebody who for the time being unites both sexes in one body?). So now she knows more then she did before (we had allready talked about this before), and i can't truthfully say that it worries me very much. Got to bed *late*.

Saturday morning, got up just barely in time to have a shower and catch my train for the the 3-hour ride to Zurich. Had breakfast on the train, caught up on my make-up, did my finger-nails, then i had to change train. In the next train i got the chance to observe some male-bonding in action, as i had to share a compartment with a group of hockey-fans going to a match. Was very satisfied to see how starkly their behaviour contrasted with my own. It was actually quite amusing, in it's own way.

Eventually did arrive in Zurich, where my sister Shani and her flatmate Rage (pleasant surprise) where waiting for me at the station, and then the fun really started. They both greeted me as Ruby, the first people ever to call me Ruby in real life, and they didn't do a single slip-up the whole time i was there. Then we started in on the shops. First Yves Rocher, beauty products, mainly because it was on the way anyway, and that helped get rid of the initial nervousness (mind you, my nerves were strung tight as a wire the whole time). Then H&M, they have sales on, everything reduced, and then half-price on the reduced prices, very good for my limited budget. Descending down into the womans-clothing floor, and started checking out the selection. Then standing in queue for the dressing-rooms, with a bundle of dresses and skirts in my arms. The lady who was watching over them didn't even raise an eyebrow, but even though i was very glad to know my sister an Rage where standing guard just outside the door. Ended up with a long, slim, tight-necked, long-sleeved black dress (there will be photos!) and a long loose-knitted coat to go over it. No strange looks that i noticed, indeed i didn't get any strange looks the whole time, not that i noticed anyway (in a way that even felt disconcerting, i was expecting to get looks, and here i was and everybody just reacted as if nothing unusual was happening at all). Next stop was a new english book-shop (we're allways shopping for new books) and i found a new disc-world map, Death's Domain (in case you don't know the discworld, it's a comic fantasy series, taking place on a disc-shaped world carried through space by four giant elephants standing on the back of the great space-turtle A'tuin, and take it from me, it's the funniest read for any ages i've ever come across. The author is Terry Pratchett, it's in it's 24th volume, and they're just getting better and better). Then for some asian fast-food (we were all getting hungry). Then the Body-Shop for some much-needed make-up to complete my set (no more raiding my mum's cupboard), that bit was easy, i knew quite well what i was looking for (i've learned loads about make-up in the last couple of weeks). But it was a new experience to do it in company, discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the various products, and i was a lot less inhibited then before. Shoes were more difficult, we nipped into three or four stores before we found one with a good selection at reasonable prices, but at least my feet aren't to big, so we didn't have to look for a store with special large sizes or anything. Finally got a pair of simple elegant black shoes, that i can wear just as well for going out as for everyday use, 1 1/2 inch heeles, and after 2 days i can say that they're the most comfortable lady's shoes i've yet worn. One last stop in a lingerie-store, for panty-hose and pantys (*giggle* got really nervous again), then we had everything i needed, and the shops were closing, so we decided to go home. Stopped for ice-cream at the Gelateria, really good home-made ice-cream for quite reasonable prices, then finally home and some much needed rest (i hoped). The whole thing on a sunny, very unseasonably warm day, and we had lots of fun.

Obviously, the next challenge presented itself right away, in the form of Rage's partner Andi. Thankfully she had prepared him well, referring to me allways as Ruby for the past week, getting him used to the idea. But he is relativly conservative, and was (visibly? or was it just my impression?) quite uncomfortable with the idea that i'm now a girl. But he is polite, and even if he didn't (couldn't?) call me Ruby, he didn't call me Sam or make any scenes or anything either. And we didn't have that much to do with each other, he spends much of his time in front of the computer, and is heading for a steep career in programming.

Then i had a nice relaxing bath (i did get to relax a bit, see), took care of my body and my hair, a shave (legs) peeling (whole body/face), special shampoo, it's starting to become a ritual. Only that this time was even more important then usually. Then i got dressed in my new clothes, and had another nervous moment as i came out of the bathroom. But this too ended up as a non-event, everybody knew what was coming beforehand, and it went smoothly. Then i had a short moment to check my mail, and found Manu's reply to the letter i had written him. That was rather tough, he isn't accepting the changes i'm going through very easily, but he also opened up a lot and talked about his own experiences with gender-play. And he affirmed that he would remain my friend no matter what, which was very reassuring. But his mail did put me in quite a turmoil, some things he wrote are difficult to accept. I think he's worried for me.

Then we had supper, my sister and i, Rage and Andi having allready gone out, and waited for her lover Stefan to arrive. When he did come Shani was under the shower, and i had an awkward moment introducing myself, but he was a real gentleman, taking the lead smoothly and the load off of me.

First we had a chat, and i did my make-up, then we went out. At first i was really worried about my look, asking my sister again and again if i was okay (yes), how did i look (good), could i wear this necklace with my dress (no), until finaly she said no, i couldn't possibly go out like that and started laughing. What a scare, until i understood that she was joking (naughty Shani). Then we wanted to leave, but suddenly i remembered about taking photos. Of course i'd forgotten to by a film, even though i'd taken my camera along. So we had to use my sisters digital camera, and then the charge went out, so there's not that many, and she hasn't mailed them yet, but as soon as i get them i'll put them online. Then we left. My first time out! Hurray! Thanks to my sister and Stefan (as i said, the perfect gentleman, my sister sure has taste) i felt quite comfortable, not stressed at all, and the fact that as soon as we were out of the door i started smoking is just because my sister has a smoke-free household, and i was feeling the lack. There were quite some people in the street, but again nobody stared, or even looked longer then is polite, apparently we were just two girls and a guy out for a night in the city.

First we went to the movies, we had decided on South Park, and it was just flabbergastingly hillarious! Defnitly recommended (if you don't cringe at lots of dirty language and senseless violence and political incorrectness) and behind it's trash facade it's a very intelligent analysis of american (and indeed also european) culture. That is indeed one of the things that makes it so hilarious. Anyway, we all agreed that we had to see it again.

Next we searched for a bar, but as we'd started late, and had seen the late showing, we had to walk for quite a bit before we found anything cool (this is the german-speaking part of switzerland, and most bars close at midnight), but we did find a nice place that wasn't too loud, and stayed there for a while. Here i had my next challenge, as i desperatly needed to go to the washroom. And quite obviously i couldn't go to the men's in my dress. But i've never been to the lady's before, and what if somebody in there reads me? Well, neccesity forced my hand, and i went to the lady's! Of course there was nobody else there, so i got away neatly. And then it was time to go home allready, with my only scare being when i noticed that our way lead straight through the red-light district, but my sister and Stefan were interely unworried, so i remained calm, and we got home very safe and sound. Then we had some tea to end the evening, and a quiet chat (Rage and Andi where allready in bed, so we had to keep quiet), then it was time to take of my make-up and go to bed, and i slept like a rock. That was my first day out, but there's more to come.

Sunday i didn't put on my dress, it's really only for going out, but the clothes i had brought with me are rather gender-neutral, so i wore my new coat like it was a pullover, and with my new shoes and make-up (my hair doesn't require any work, it's just great like it is) i felt quite dressed just like that. Having slept in, the day was allready well started when i got up, so pretty soon we had to go and meet Dominik, my sister's boyfriend (she's in a rather complicated situation, isn't she?). He called me Ruby too, except for one slip, which he immediatly corrected. First we went to his new appartment (shared with a girl-friend of my sisters - recently she asked my sister how her brother was doing, and she smiled and said that she didn't have a brother anymore. She was totaly shocked, how can you say something like that and sound so happy!?, until my sister explained. *giggle*), then for a nice walk through town and then along the lakefront, as it was such a sunny warm day the lakefront was crowded, and again nobody noticed, then it was time for me to catch the train, to go see Marianne, a child-hood friend who's just returned from 6 months in Brasil and Argentina.

In the train i found out that i really do pass. When the ticket-controller came through, i could see him do a mental double-take as he looked at me, read the (very obviously male) name on my rail-pass with the obviously male photograph printed on it, looked at me again, back at the pass, and finaly figured it out. Suddenly i realized what had happened, that i had passed, that the only thing that had given me away was the document, and he had inadvertantly made my day! Until then i had no idea if it was just politness, or people just not paying attention, or what, that had let me pass basicly unnoticed, but now i knew!

I Pass!!!!

Marianne was great. We went to a nice café/restaurant that i remember well from when i lived in Berne, and had a wonderful long chat. One of the first things she asked me was what should she call me, because she really wasn't sure (i'd told her about what i am doing in a mail the day before) and didn't want to get it wrong. Then she said that she wasn't shocked at all, indeed she wasn't even very surprised. She said that she thought i'd make a great woman, and that's one of the nicest things that anybody has ever said to me. She's also the first of my child-hood friends i've told, and i'm immensly glad that she's taking it this well. (((((((((((((((((((((((Marianne)))))))))))))))))))))))))))), you are lovely! Thank you so very much!

Well, and then the week-end was almost over. In the café i again went to the lady's, it took a bit more courage, because the entry was in plain view from the café, which was quite full, but again it went without a hitch. And on the ride home to geneva i spent most of the time curled up into a little ball, because i'd developed a nasty headache. Tension, i guess, and i was fairly dehydrated from hardly drinking anything all day. And then my headache wouldn't go away, and i have no medicine at home, so couldn't take any painkillers (sometimes, only sometimes i wish i had some basic medicine at home) and it didn't go away all night, so i spent a lot of the time reading, and when i slept i slept fitfully with nightmareish dreams and vision. For once i was glad that the night was over, and at the office i had an aspirin, which helped with the pain, but not with my general form, and indeed my boss sent me home early (for once i feel greatful towards him).

Okay, i think i've pretty much caught up with the current situation, now i only hope that geocities will allow me to connect.

Thank you for reading this huge entry.

Love,

Ruby