February 8th, Tuesday

Just a short note today, as my mum needs the puter. Nothing much happened today either, so that makes it easier. I wrote yesterday how i got a reply from Manu, well, today i spent several hours composing my answer. I'll post it with the first letter tomorrow, but i've neither the time nor the energy tonight. I will go and see him tonight, though, even though he certainly won't have read it yet, and i really hope it goes well. Oh well. Guess that's all for now.

Bye, Ruby

February 9th, Wednesday

Last night when i got home i went to find Manu, and found him in the dining-room. Apparently i'd missed quite a little party, but he invited me to join them for dinner on friday. Quite soon after i arrived everybody else left (it was past midnight), so i got a chance to speak with Manu. It was a very good talk, and we were able to bring light into many misunderstandings, and i think he's that much closer to accepting me. It makes me feel good to know that he'll really stick by me.

Hihi.... when my mum learned what size clothes i wear, she offered me the use of her wardrobe.

For the rest, today i've been spending a lot of time searching for support-groups all over Switzerland, and linking them to my site. Check out the updated links-page. I'll certainly be attending meetings soon, so perhaps we'll meet?

And tomorrow's my therapist-appointment, i'll go dressed, and i certainly hope that she'll have my appointment with the gender-specialist.

Love, Ruby

February 11th, Friday

Sorry there wasn't an entry for yesterday, it was a quite busy and emotional day, and i didn't get to spend any time on the puter (except at work, of course, but that's just that, work). I left work very much on time yesterday, 3:30 pm, usualy i do at least half an hour overtime (not that i mind, i'm still the first to leave almost every day, and it makes me feel good to know that i do my work well and am appreciated), so that i could stop at home on my way to see the therapist and get dressed. Hihi, yesterday was my third day out! Unfortunatly i was late anyway, because we'd made our appointment half an hour earlier then usual. I had indeed written it down in my agenda, but what help is that if i then don't check it? We had a pretty good session anyway, discussing how people react when they see me, how things went with Manu and last week-end, and also how the situation is with Anorexia (i had to admit that even though i'm recovering very strongly, i still have issues, particularly with certain foods). She also told me that she'd talked with the gender-specialist, and that he'd agreed to see me personaly, but that i'd have to make the phone-call myself. I'd firmly planned to phone today, but it was so hectic at the office that i didn't get a chance. So i don't have a firm appointment yet, but the assurance that he will see me. And of course i'll be going dressed.

After therapy i was presented with a problem. I was completly dressed, and i couldn't, i really couldn't undress again. But there's really not many people who know yet, so what should i do? And i still had to have dinner. And i felt tired, and really not up to going out for dinner alone, dressed. Coming here wasn't really an option either, because i haven't talked about it with my dad yet. I have wanted to talk with him for a while, but he is working as if he's becoming a workaholic, and our paths haven't crossed a lot recently (well, our paths cross all over the place, but usualy we're not on them at the same time). So there i was, at home, dressed, and really not knowing what to do. I called my dad at work, but he said that he'd be working late (again). Then i tried phoneing a friend who knows, and works in a T-friendly bar/restaurant, but i got her voice-mail on both numbers, and i don't know where the place is exactly. Then i tried calling my mum, but she wasn't at the office or at home, and i don't have the number of her portable written down. Instead i started to read, a collection of short stories by Ursula K. LeGuin, but the stories, though very well written, were for the most part very solemn and earnest, with a lot of death and sickness, and i soon felt rather depressed. Indeed when i called my mum again later, she immediatly asked what was wrong.

Dad wasn't home yet, and she was just starting dinner with a friend who's only a few years older then i am, and whom i've wanted to tell for a while anyway. And perhaps dad would come home at a reasonable hour, and that way he could know too. And it's important that he knows, because mum is starting to feel really uncomfortable with this big secret, and is refusing to call me Ruby until she doesn't have to watch out what she says to dad. Of course it wouldn't be optimal, confronting him directly with myself dressed, but i also felt relief that it would be over with afterwards.

When i arrived here dad wasn't home yet, and indeed he wasn't home yet when i left at midnight either. So i didn't get to talk with him. But my friend was very understanding, and hugged me, and immediatly took up calling me Ruby, and mum went along, at least for the night. We talked for hours, and she too said that she had allready been pretty sure what was going on (why is it that almost everybody i tell reacts that way? they aren't surprised, or thought so allready, or even take the words out of my mouth without me having to say a thing when i start mumbling that i've got to tell them something! If it's that obvious, why did i have such a very hard time admitting it to myself?).

And the other thing i learned yesterday is that dad allready knows. Mum left some papers lying around not very well hidden, amongst others parts of this diary that i'd printed out for her so that she could read them, one day when geocities wasn't working. And then of course he asked mum about it, and she couldn't lie (i couldn't have either, i understand that), so know i really have to find time to speak with him. I asked him today if we could have lunch together, but he didn't have time, had to eat with clients, as i said, he works way to much. But this is really important, and i don't know when we'll be able to talk. Oh well, god (or whoever) won't let anything go wrong, won't she?

Well, i'm sorry i've got to end this for today, i'm invited for dinner (can't go dressed, there will be loads of people there who have no idea, it would be inviting trouble very badly). I do think i got most of what i wanted to say said, so that's allright.

Love, Ruby

February 12th, Saturday

Wow, i've been "busy" these last 24 hours. Last night the dinner actually didn't take place, much to my distress, because i must'nt miss meals (recovering from anorexia, remember?). I was the only one who remembered that that's what we had planned. Manu was there anyway, and there was a birthday-party going on, so there was some food, but just not a real meal, and i didn't feel properly fed on snack-food, even if there was a lot of it.

At first i quite enjoyed myself at the party, i saw some friends i hadn't seen for months, and had some nice talks, but then i started getting tired, and wishing so badly i was dressed. I wanted to tell all my friends that i'm a girl, but didn't dare, not at a party. Then i started getting really stressed, and wanted to leave, but was afraid that they would think what's "he" doing leaving so early, and with the desperation there came that terrible urge to cut. I haven't cut in over 2 months, and don't want to start again. Then Manu noticed that i wasn't doing well, and asked me, and i was by then so far into my anxiety-attack that i could hardly speak. We went out onto the terasse, and there i was able to calm down a bit, and then i decided that i would get dressed, and go for a walk, and see if that t-friendly place i once walked into by "chance" was open. It wasn't, unfortunatly, and after all that anxiety earlier i didn't feel like going into some *normal* bar, so i just went for a walk through the dark (but far from deserted) streets. I stopped at all the nice storefronts on the backstreets that i usualy don't have the time to look at, i found an antiquarian clock repairer with clocks like i've never seen before, really beautifull, and a place where i can get my legs epilated really cheaply (will have to check that one out by day sometime), but then it got really cold, and there was a fierce wind blowing (geneva is a really windy town), so i decided to go home, where i spent quite some time reading and getting my make-up off and all before i went to bed.

Then i got woken in the middle of the night by my phone ringing (really rare occurance that it even rings, most of my calls come in at the office) and had real trouble trying to turn of the alarm-clock (that's what i thought it was) before i figured out that it was the phone. It was my friend i'd tried to reach on Thursday, and (as far as i could tell in my benighted state) she sounded rather confused. Now i'm sorry i hung up on her so quickly, i'm sure she had a reason for calling at that late hour.

Today i had to really will myself out of bed. I didn't have any plans for the day (not true, i had loads of plans, but not the courage to go through with them, at least not while i was still in bed), and felt rather unmotivated. Then i decided what the heck, and got up, got dressed, and allready felt a lot better. I decided not to persue any of the big plans i'd made for myself, but to just quickly run an errand or two, and then come here (thinking that dad would surely have gone to the office by then) to spend some time online and with mum, and take a bath. And i would ask mum to put some henna in my hair, the last batch has faded rather a lot.

I wanted to get a little comb for the eyelashes i'd seen in the body-shop, so i went there, and was pleasantly greeted as Madame. Caught some breakfast while i was in town (if you can call it breakfast at past midday), then came here. Had an uncomfortably tight moment when i arrived and dad hadn't quite left, and didn't want to talk about it when would be leaving in 5 minutes, but managed to get passed him without too much trouble. Found an e-mail waiting from Girls Wanna Have Fun (GWHF), saying that sure i could come to their outing next saturday, but that i'd better answer quickly, because the delay for inscription was monday, so that's what i did. Did some more general browsing (sorry excuse for not remembering what i did), read all of the GWHF website, chatted on icq, and plucked my eyebrows (first time ever, hardly hurt at all) with the tweezers i'd also gotten at the body-shop. Then i left the puter to mum, and went and had my weekend bath (almost a ritual by now, with shaving my legs etc.). Then mum put in the henna, and started making supper, while i quickly answered some more mail. Pretty soon dad came home, and as i was all dressed, with a huge towel piled up on my head, i couldn't really hide, so i decided what the heck, and went down to the living room, and just told him. His reaction was spectacularly disapointing, i mean he just sat there smoking his joint and hardly reacted at all. He didn't talk about it at all, not then nor during dinner. Not even any questions. Just stonewalling behind his daze of smoke. Oh well. At least now i can come here dressed whenever i like, he knows now, mum supports me, and if he has to hide his head in the smoke, then there's really not much i can do about it. But somehow his non-reaction does make me sad. I was hopeing for more from him (though i have to admitt that i'm not very surprised at his reaction either).

And that brings me to the up to the current moment, where i'm busy writing this diary.

Oh, and my sister sent me the photos from last saturday. Watch out for them coming online anytime soon!

Love, Ruby