February 13th, Sunday

As i move into my fourth week of writing this diary, and of activly seeking to express my true inner self, i am amazed of how far i have allready come. The most obvious bit is that i am coming out, not to everybody at the same time, of course, that would be stupid and dangerous. But i am showing my true self to more and more friends, to my family, and most importantly to myself. I say that that is most important, because admitting who (what) i am, i have learned not to feel shame about myself, not to treat myself as if i were some abomination. I have learned respect for myself.

I have also learned a lot of courage, or rather, i have learned that i don't actually need that much courage to simply be myself, in a way it's the easiest thing i've ever done. Today is my sixth day out dressed as i feel is proper, the second spent entirely as a woman, and i haven't encountered any problems. Today i was even chatted up by a handsome young african guy, with beautiful dreadlocks and a charming smile. But honestly, i got rather scared, and got rid of him as soon as i could. I really don't know how to flirt properly, and was reasonably sure that i would give myself away within minutes, and who knows how he would have reacted?

I'm also very proud of the work i have put into this site, it's taken hours and hours every day to write and (occasionaly) research, but it's been well worth it, as the rising number on the counter and the positive reactions i get from readers tells me. Almost 1000 hits in only three weeks! hihi....

And tomorrow i'm going to phone the gender specialist to make an appointment. That is the next really concrete step on the path of transition, one without all that's to come would be impossible. I'm terribly excited (and also somewhat anxious) about this, but expect everything to turn out for the best.

I think i'd better stop for now, i still have to do loads of washing and housecleaning today (allways putting it of to the last moment, that's me).

Love, Ruby

February 17th, Thursday

Uhh.... i feel a bit bad about neglecting my site for so long (long? my other voice asks me, it was only 4 days). I feel as if i'm in stuck in i rut. My body just want change by itself (what did i think it would do!? just suddenly turn female overnight?). I feel the desire to use, to drink, to hurt myself again (i'm not letting that happen, though). I had an awful dream last night where i was 50, twice as old as i'm now, and still male. It was quite horrible. I avoid taking positive action, spending hours on end playing games on the puter. I stay up way to late (this week i've averaged slightly over 4 hours a night). I think tiredness is currently my biggest problem. It sucks, being so tired that you don't have any energy to do anything. I guess i'll just have to go to bed earlier.

Sorry, i'm not up to writing any more.

Love, Ruby

February 18th, Friday

It looks as if the outing with Girls Wanna Have Fun may not work. They have their meeting-point on a motorway rest-stop. Haven't they ever heard of people using public transport? And for a lot of complicated reasons (if i was less tired i'd write them all out) communication is working badly. But i took the time anyway to check out the time-tables for train and bus, and i know the town we're visiting quite well, and it's a small town, so i might just go anyway, because i don't think that they'll be easy to miss. So on this (more active) note i'll finish (i'm still awfully tired, and it's late).

Wish me good luck for tomorrow!

Ruby