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February 22nd, Tuesday Yesterday i took a loooooong bath. I read the whole national geographic, from cover to cover. As allways, it was totaly captivating, moving me to tears of joy and despair (i know, i'm soppy). But, to get to the point, in an article about Albania there was a photo with the eplanation that this woman had lived the last 30 years as a man. Because there were no male survivors from her family it was her role to take over the leadership, to represent the family at community functions where men had to be present, she dresses as a man, drinks like a man, etc. (Sorry i used the female form all the time, very uncouth of me.) It was just another proof that all kinds of forms of transgenderism have been practiced and accepted socialy all over the world for as long as we can reconstruct. For the rest yesterday i didn't write here because i was busy helping a troubled soul, writing e-mail and talking to her on icq. It is always a disturbing experience, when others confide in me. It makes me feel deeply honoured (an honour i don't really feel i deserve), and it is somehow hurtful not to be able to help more (specialy if the only contact we have is by internet). And i really do want to help, but so often i get the feeling that the only thing i have to offer is shallow words. Errm... and just in case you who are reading this are one of those people who choose me to confide in... Please, don't misinterpret what i wrote above. You are allways welcome to ask for help, and i will give as much as i can. You are loved. Today i did two important things. First i called the gender disorders specialist (rather, his secretary) to ask when i would have my appointment? And she told me that it was in the mail, and that it was on march 14th. So that's cool. And then i had an apointment with my general practitioner (doctor, whatever) whom i hadn't seen since november, when i was really down in the hole. She was glad to see me doing so much better, and she's a wonderful person in whom i've allways been able to confide, so we had a long talk about what was going on in my life. When i told her that i was going to go see Doctor so-and-so she actualy knew him (now only to find out wether it's because he's famous or notorious?)(just joking). She also considered it proof that i am on the right track that all my other disorders are dissapearing so swiftly and easily. Mhm, and as usual now i have to get going or i'll miss my bus. Love, Ruby February 24th, Thursday I'm dressed. For the first time this week, and as i was going home and and thinking about it, i was getting so excited (not sexualy, it has very little sexual implications for me, it's just pronouncing who i am), i couldn't believe i had left it alone for all week. Of course tomorrow i have to go to work as a boy, but then it's the weekend, and i don't think i couldn't get dressed on weekends. Tomorrow is going to be another big day for me. My friend F. has invited me to her birthday-party. There's going to be a bunch of people i don't know, and a couple of my friends from the student's hostel where i live. F. works in a t-friendly bar/restaurant, she is herself lesbian. The party will be held there, and i will defnitly go as myself, not in drab (i saw one pre-op ts say that she still sometimes dresses in drag, meaning as a guy, which is where she's coming from. just some food for thought). But for my friends from home it will be the first time that they see me dressed (outside of costume-partys and theater-productions and the like), and i wonder about their reactions. I think that i've talked about it with them all, at least to some extent, but it will still be a confrontation. But i think it should go well, they are all very good people. Mum told me about a dream she had very recently (last night or the night before). She was in the water with Lisa, my youngest sister, who died of a brain-tumour almost 20 years ago, when we were all still very young. In her dream Lisa was still a baby, but she was enjoying the water very much, swimming and diving, and totally unafraid. Mum only had to give her minimal support with her hand. The other of those 2 nights she also dreamed about Lisa. She said that she had no idea what the dreams were about, why now? For me it was straight away very obvious. I told her that she was dreaming about her other (or perhaps i said second) daughter (of course her second daughter is now me). The way i saw a light go up in her eyes, i think i got it right. She really cares for me! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mum))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Still thinking about Lisa, i was reading a post on Something Fishy, my support-site for eating-disorders. A friend of one of the members had recently commited suicide, and one of the suggestions for working it out was to write the deceased a letter. And i thought about writing Lisa a letter, because i don't feel i ever really told her goodbye, and suddenly there were tears brimming in my eyes. I think i'll try to write such a letter. Oh, and a last note, my parents are leaving tomorrow morning for a long weekend in the south of France. That means i'll have the house to myself, and if i want to i can spend the whole weekend here, and use the puter for as long as i like. Looking forward to writing about how tomorrow goes, Ruby February 27th, Sunday F.'s Birthday-Party Hi again, and sorry that i kept you waiting like this. Specialy as i spent practicly all day online yesterday, until past 4am, and really should have been able to make some time to write here. But hey, i also should have gone outside a bit to enjoy the perfect weather and the sunshine and get some fresh air and exercise and that sort of thing, and i should have gone to bed at a reasonable time to catch up on some sleep, and i should have done all kinds of things, but i didn't. What i did do was enjoy the freedom offered by my parents being in the south of France for a long weekend, and nobody being here to tell me what i should do. Every once in a while that does a lot of good, no? So, on Friday was F.'s birthday-party. After a relativly calm day at the office i arrived here around 4pm, F. had told me that the party would start at 7.30, so i figured i had loads of time to get ready, and knowing her it would be almost expected that i arrive a little late, she surely wouldn't be ready at 7.30. So i started of with a bath and a thorough shave of all those hairs that just wouldn't do, treating the rest of the hair to some good conditioner, all that kind of stuff, creams and salves and lotions, you get the idea. Then a good look in mum's wardrobe, but to be honest it was quite disapointing. There were two or three dresses i might have worn, but all defnitly for summer. But not one skirt! Figured out that she's got about a quarter of the clothes that dad has (isn't it suposed to be the other way round?). Very disapointing, but thankfully i'd brought along some of my own clothes too, so i was at least able to get dressed properly. More luck with the make-up, i'd decided to try some new things, though there too i'm beginning to think that some other mum might have dozens more little bottles and things. Tried some liquid foundation, a bit lighter then what i usualy use, and was very satisfied with the result. I don't think mum has ever used it (the bottle was still sealed), so i think i'll ask her about it. Oh, yes, i also learned how to do a proper tuck a couple of days ago, and here i had my first chance to test it in a real-live situation, and was quite happy with how well it works. Though i think for that swimmsuit there's still some improvements to be made (i'll work it out by summer). Then, allready late, a last scramble to find a hand-bag. I mean, being a feminist is cool, but that doesn't mean she can't have some cool clothes and accessories around, no? Had also looked for a belt to cinch my dress at the waist, but couldn't find anything remotely suitable for that either. Then it was time to take the bus, (if i had had any more time i would have redone my make-up, cause i'd applied the rouge a bit to low, making my face look even thinner then it allready is. As it turned out i would have easily had enough time, nevermind). Cool manouver in town, got out at one bus-stop, went to the cash-mashine, crossed the block and caught the same bus, that had had to make a slight detour and wait at several red lights, at the next stop. Wasn't important, cause there's several buses going from there in the right direction, but it was cool. Got off at the right stop, and from there found it with no difficulties, thanks to the map (rather, the satelite photograph) my puter had printed out for me. (Funny, isn't it, the best street-plan for town is a satelite photograph, they don't have better plans anywhere that i could find in the 1 1/2 years i live here). Funny, on the door to the bar a sign saying "tonight: Costume-Party". Nobody'd told me about that! And here i was, dressed elegantly for the party, but for a costume-party? Anyway, it turned out that it had been a last minute decision (just as moving the time from 7.30 to 8 had been, i was actually the first to arrive) and she hadn't quite gotten round to telling me. Oh well, never mind, went in, there was F., and one of the first things she tells me is "you are beautiful", and that makes me very happy. Then also you're tall! Almost 6 feet in my heels, and they're not particularly high, but the reason she noticed that is because as i guy i used to live with a perpetual slouch, and now i stand up straight without even noticing it (another bit of circumstantial evidence). And also i'm slender as a willow. She'd just finished decorating, and had to go change, so i was left to receive the guests, that started to trickle in during the next half-hour or so. Dinner was fine, though not exceptional, the music was okay, though a bit to techno for my taste (can't argue with taste), but the real fun was in the gender-confusion we created. Started of right at the beginning, with the barman, obviously male with wide shoulders, hairy arms, stubble on his chin and bald spot being introduced as Marietta (she later appeared as a beautiful blonde in white). The party-guests arriving - V. & S., a lesbian couple, dressed in normal street-clothes, but male (they hadn't heard about coming dressed-up either), F.'s sister and husband, she dressed as a vampire in black leather, he done up as a huge busty blonde in red with a little red straw hat (think of something drawn by Robert Crumb), F., when she reapeared, as some gangster from the twenties, totally butch. A couple of friends with their son, who upon ariving disapeared very soon and didn't come out again for the next hour or so, by which time they'd transformed themselves into three elegant women (though rather overdone, except for the kid, whom i spent the next couple of hours being really unsure about. I mean, i'd seen him come in, defnitly a boy, just barely in his teens, and then s/he was this pretty young woman, seemingly approaching her 20ties, composed, calm, smoking cigarettes and drinking wine. In contrast the parents were rather hysterical). Then a couple of people who were or weren't dressed up, who weren't playing the gender-card. And of course the patron of the house, a very flamboyant transvestite, who changed dresses 2 or 3 times during the evening, and sang on the stage (with playback). It got even better when the dancing started, really showy on the stage, men dancing with men, women with women, trannys with women, lesbians with straight girls, or with transvestites, oh, i can't even attempt to count how many "taboos" were broken that night. And allways with that flamboyant air of freedom and teasing. I'd allways thought that i'd had a very liberal upbringing and had come around in the world, but i'd never expierenced anything like that. I did enjoy myself a lot, it really went miles to show me what freely expressed sexuality could mean, what liberation from my parents influence could mean to me. They were all so generous and free in their expression. Compared to them, i felt rather like the proverbial daisy lost in a bunch of roses and orchids. To get the point across, i'm quite sure that most of the people who didn't know didn't read me, not even in the slightest. I was just a rather shy, perhaps a bit boring girl. I'm sure that even the patron, who defnitly has an eye for these things, only read me quite late in the evening, when i started to dance myself. The first time dancing as myself! Now that is a completly different aspect of the party. Right from the beginning, when they started dancing, i wanted to join them. But it's been ages since i went dancing, and never before was Ruby dancing, and i felt really shy. I wanted to hide, to disapear in the background, to become invisible. I started to get really distressed. Then, lucky chance, i felt the desire to draw instead. And i had everything i needed right there in my handbag. And letting my hands do the work, i drew a dragon (i love dragons, i've drawn dozens of them)(they're also my totem-animal). Usualy dragons come in awesome, powerful poses, but this one was different. It was hiding behind it's wings, it's head down and only the upper half of it's face showing. And it's eyes were sad, lonely, almost a tear running from them. And it had loads of spikes and claws, many more then i usualy draw. And from there i understood part of my own fear, of being a freak and not fitting in, of people finding me a monster, when all i wanted was to join in the fun, to be normal like everybody else. And that way i was able to vanquish my fear, and started dancing, and even though i didn't dance a lot and certainly didn't join in in any of the extravagant stage-dancing, i was able to enjoy myself. Another very important bit i had been looking forward to with some apprehension was how the people who know me and with whom i live would react. For them it was the first time they would see the real me, and it had me quite worried beforehand, but it went wonderfully. D., with whom i'd talked about it as early as a year ago, was there, and after at first greeting me as Sam i told her that i was Ruby, and she internalized that instantly, and didn't once slip up. At the end of the evening she also told me that i was totaly convincing, that i passed very well, that i was beautiful and well dressed to boot. She said i'd make a perfect young student of literature, and as that's what she's studying herself, i understand it to mean that she accepts me like this, that she's fitted me into her worldview without a hitch. A. was also there, but he only came late, as he had to work, and didn't stay long, so we didn't really get to interact. The one great absent was Manu, who i'd really been wanting to see, to prove to him.... (what did i want to prove to him? that i am a girl? that he mustn't worry? did i just want to confront him with the facts?) ....something. But he wasn't there, and nobody knew where he was. That was quite sad. Soon it was approaching 2am, and those who were still there wanted to move on to a disco (gay/lesbian). But unfortunatly all my short nights of the past week were catching up with me, and i was practicly falling asleep, so i called a taxi, said goodbye to everybody, and came home. (home in this instance being my parents place, because i had left all my stuff here, and also because i planned to pass all the following day on the puter. Before going to bed i logged on for a short time, and saw Hanna online, so i staid for a bit and chatted away about my evening, while she transmitted a song with direct file-transfer. Also Alex, one of mum's cats, came to say hello, and finaly i did go to bed, and slept straight through till 1pm. Saturday was really lazy, i got dressed very lightly, if i hadn't had the house for myself it would have been indecently light, and stayed that way until i had to go do some grocery-shopping. For that i put on a dress, and indeed did some make-up, but it was so balmy that i didn't have to put on a coat. Then i spent all day chatting and catching up with mail and posting on Something Fishy and surfing the net. Hanna sent me many more songs, and indeed we spent the whole day together, seperated and joined by keyboard and screen, until past 4am. One song in particular she sent me i want to point out, i don't know if you know it, it's "Born a Girl" by the Manic Street Preachers. It's a quite beautiful song anyway, but when i noticed what they were singing i got the most intense shivers up and down my spine and soon started to cry. I listened to it again and again. And i wish Yes i wish As i listen to it again today the tears start rising into my eyes, again. But i'm a bit soppy. Love, Ruby
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