February 28th, Monday

I had a dream last night. It was rather complicated and involved, but it had one truely brilliant moment.

I was at home, in the house i grew up in, only it was a castle, with huge rooms, thick walls out of stone, very tall slender pointed windows reaching almost from the floor towards the high high ceiling. I was huddled in my great coat, that concealed my body entirely and gave me warm. I had to hold the coat closed with my hands, there were drafts in the rooms from the windows. Outside was a white-out. It was snowing like it has never snowed before, the snow was endlessly piling up, white and fluffy and cold, winter had come to the world. The radio told news of snowhares appearing, and all kinds of polar animals, and polar bears migrating south. I looked out of the windows, but i couldn't see a thing, everything was so blindingly white. Then someone said that my sister was outside, and we had to go and look for her, because she didn't know about the bears. Outside the blizzards was howling, and it seemed that i could see even less, a few yards from the house the only thing i could still see was myself huddled in my concealing coat. I called out to my sister that she should come in, there were bears outside, polar bears, and one couldn't see them because they were invisible in the snow. I waited, alone in the white, slowly growing darker, i felt curiously safe, the blizzard was intense, but it couldn't touch me as long as i held my coat closed. At one point i think i even saw a bear, passing less then a yard from me, huge, solid, silent, almost invisible. Then someone came for me, it was time to go back inside, night was falling fast. A mirror was set in the door, i could clearly see myself, in the huge, shapeless bulk of my coat, but i had to open the door myself, and to do that i had to let go of my coat with both hands. I didn't want to, but the person behind me said that we had to go in, it was dangerous outside at night.

So i let go of my coat, and as the wind caught it and made it blow, lifting away the concealment, and the snow swirled around my body, i saw myself in the mirror in the door. I was a girl! I had smooth pale wintery skin, i was slender with full breasts, i was wearing nothing underneath the cloak but bright red panties and a bra, red as fresh blood spilled in the snow. That was what i had been hiding under my cloak, my true self, I was a Girl!

It only lasted an instant before i twisted away from the mirror and ran, because the person behind me had seen me in the mirror, and i ran and ran into the dark white of the falling night and the raging blizzard and freedom, because i had discovered what i was hiding, and nothing could hurt me, the coat blowing in the wind.

That was my dream. I don't know what it means, except for the obvious, that i'm a girl that nobody can see. But it's my dream, and it's the first dream i can recall for ages, and it was beautiful and scary and i didn't know it was a dream while i was dreaming and i was a Girl!

I was so so so so very very happy!

Love, Ruby

February 29th, Tuesday

Wow, have i been busy today! First i set up a new e-mail acount, one that will be able to handle the traffic from the Anti-Jen mailing-list (i'll post links and stuff some other time, when it isn't approaching midnight). Then i got myself subscribed. So now i can except LOTS of e-mail (that's how Aunty Jenn put it). So i'm looking forward to checking my mail tomorrow.

The other big thing i did was loads of work on my site. I didn't change the look of it or anything, but i moved a couple of things around yesterday and created a sitemap, where you can keep track of what's been updated. No, not yesterday, that was on sunday.

Today i added a whole new feature, teaching myself loads of new tricks in the process....

It's a Bulletin Board, or you might call it a Message Board, a Discussion Board, whatever you like. The idea is that you can go there and write your heart out, and then it will (after a small intervention by myself) appear in the topic-list for the Board, and anybody surfing by (or who has bookmarked the place) can read it and reply. Of course i also handle the replys, so you won't get harrased or anything, and you don't have to give your name or anything if you don't feel like it.

It's called Transition Talk, and i hope that with time many people will start posting there, so that we can form a lively suportive community. We'll see.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you at Transition Talk!

Love,

Ruby

March 1st, Wednesday

Hihi, the AntiJen-List is working! Loads of mail, i guess it will keep me quite busy from now on. But don't worry, i won't forget my diary or anything.

I also posted some new links on the personal sites page, so go there if you want to check it out.

Sorry, but that's all for today.

Love, Ruby

March 2nd, Thursday

Had an appointment with my therapist today. We talked about how i was taught to behave as an adult at a quite early age, and i figured out that sure, i could speak like an adult, and think adult thoughts, and intellectualy i could keep up with just about anyone i knew from a quite early age, but that emotionaly i was still very much a child. And how, because i acted adult, i was treated adult, and was left pretty much alone with my feelings. Only recently have i been learning that adults too need to be able to validate what they feel, to talk to people about it, and get support if neccesary. And even that adults can feel at all!

I also paid some of my bills today. It was really neccesary, some were over 4 months old. But i then did some sums, and figured out that the money left on my bank-account would be just enough to finance my cigarretes this month. Nothing left for having fun with, not even for getting any groceries! I figured out that at the current rate i spend almost 2000$ a year on cigarettes. So i've decided to quit. Tonight, before i go to bed, i'll throw away what's left of my pack, and tomorrow i won't start again.

I also decided that i'm damn well going to ask my boss for a pay-raise. (excuse my language)I feel i deserve it. I've been working really well, allways arriving on time, doing a little overtime almost daily, working independently and showing initiative. And after all, even if he gives me a raise, i still won't be earning very much.

And i also decided that if i don't get the raise, i'll start looking for a new job. Preferably where i can get some schooling. Probably in webdesign. I know that there are lots of jobs out there, the market is booming. And even without an education, i'm bright, i'm willing to work, i learn very fast, i'm adaptable. I can learn how to do anything that i want to do.

So, now i've got to finish this, i mustn't miss my bus.

Love,

Ruby

March 3rd, Friday

Oh well, it didn't work with giving up smoking. I tried, but as the day went on the craving grew steadily worse. It was okay, i could still handle it, but then i started feeling as if i had to do anything that might work. I thought about cutting myself, or taking drugs, or anything that might make my body stop hurting. So finally i cracked and went and bought myself a new pack. 20 hours, that's how long i lasted.

Oh well, i guess that i'll try again some other time.

See you, Ruby

March 5th, Sunday

What a lazy day i had today. I spent about 5 hours in the bath, reading, periodicly letting out some of the water and refilling from the hot tap. It's not that i mind lazing around in the bath, but i had planned to shave my legs and do all kinds of body-care, not just read a book. Specialy not a book that i've allready read (at least it's a good book, still interesting the second time round). At least i did some skin-care, and my skin feels nice and smooth now, and all my muscles are very relaxed. But i had also wanted to shave (legs, torso, etc), and somehow just was to lazy to do that. Or perhaps a bit depressed might say it better?

I'm just not feeling very energetic these last couple of days, since i tried to stop smoking. It was kind of shaking, after having stopped so many self-destructive behaviours, to be stoppen in my tracks so brutaly by something as simple as smoking.

I think another thing that is bringing me down is that i have so little money. I'm scared to even go to the hair-dresser, because i tell myself that i can't afford it. Much less can i afford to buy myself any clothes or anything that i want so badly. It makes me feel really stiffled, as if i couldn't express myself freely. Talking about that, i had steeled myself for the talk with my boss about a raise and everything for friday, i wanted to talk with him in the afternoon, but then he was absent the whole time. So now i still have to do that. *shudder*

I guess you've heard about the movie "Boy's don't cry". As far as i know it's been out in the states for a while now, but it's just starting to show over here. I think the 8th is the official opening-night. But anyway, yesterday i saw my first advertising for it, and it stopped me in my tracks. Because it was being promoted by the group Espace 360°, who are a local support-group for TS here in Geneva. And here they were, signposting themselves in huge letters. I think that i will defnitly have to check them out soon.

That's all for tonight, take care of yourself, where-ever you are.

Love,

Ruby