March 7th, Tuesday

Well, sorry there wasn't an entry yesterday, but i had a rather bad migraine, and went home early (well, earlier then usual). The day had been bad enough at the office, everybody remarked that i looked terrible, everybody except my boss that is. Rather obviously i wasn't in a mood for any tough salary-negotiations either. And what's more it was a really tough day, with all kinds of problems cropping up and calling for urgent solutions, and virus problems in our Zürich-branch, etc.

I had a long dream on Sunday night. I can't recall most of it, but i was living as a woman, which made me very happy, i passed just like that, nobody knew that i wasn't really a woman, not even my family. But underneath i had a male body, and that felt horrible, and caused me lots of distress. I felt that everybody could see under my clothes and see my awful disfiguration (that's what my genitals felt like). I wonder what that dream might signify, it didn't really feel like a dream, more like what i might have thought out as a mind-experiment while awake.

So i went home early yesterday, and got quite a lot of sleep. But i was still in an awful state today, specialy as my migraine hadn't left yet. At least work was very quiet today, so i was able to just get on with my suffering in peace. Then in the afternoon i had therapy. I considered just phoning in and offering my migraine as an excuse, but then went anyway. Seems it was a good idea, because although we didn't really get much done today, i did work myself up into a considerable rage, and that made my migraine go away.

Okay, that's enough for today, see yu again later.

Love,

Ruby

March 11th, Saturday

Well, i've been away from this site for a couple of days, surfing the internet, reading mail and bb's, chatting, everything except writing my diary. However, i currently can't really surf the net because i'm downloading linux to run on a spare hard-disk i've installed, and it's taking long enough as is (what else would i expect, over 500 megabites of data to download) so i don't want to disturb it by surfing around for ages. But writing in here doesn't use any band-width on the internet-connection, so this is what i'm doing.

To roll the last couple of days up chronologicaly: Wednesday was a special day. It was the beginning of the Womens Global march against Violence and Poverty. My mum, being active in womens-groups in town, had helped a bit with the organization, and had invited a group of friends from all over switzerland to come and participate. My sister came too. So just before lunch i asked my boss if i could have the afternoon of so that i could go too, and (a nice surprise) he instantly agreed, with a smile.

First we had luch, mum, my sister and i, and here i had my next nice surprise. The waiter just saw three women. I don't know how i could have passed on looks alone, i wasn't dressed at all, the stubble was easily visible,..... It must be a behaviour thing. And perhaps also that they were treating me as a women. So that was my role, and that was what the waiter saw. The same thing happened a little later in a shop that we'd just nipped into to get some tea.

March 12th, Sunday

Well, i kind of stopped my last entry in the middle of nowhere. I think it was because the download had finished. I then tried to install linux, but the installation failed in the first steps, and afterwards i spent most of an hour trying to get windows to run again. Quite a scare there for a moment, until i figured out a good configuration for the bios.

Anyway, i was saying that on Wednesday we went to the Womens march. At the march itself i don't think i passed at all, because it was very hot, and i had to take of my coat. The coat, even though bought in the men's department, lets me pass quite easily. Later, when it got cooler, i put my coat back on, and i think that for most people who saw me i was just one of the crowd after that.

I have to admit that i was quite mixed up about my feelings during the march. At the beginning i was very near to tears, it was such an overwhelming feeling, all these women together and strong. But i also felt that i didn't really fit in, the women just saw a man marching with them, none of them had any idea about what i am. Then later i started chanting along with the others, and it felt good, and i got very happy. Lots of it was also fun, for a long while my sister and i walked with a young radical group, and they were chanting rowdy sarcastic paroles.

The march eventualy ended, during rush-hour, on one of the main squares in town, with more speeches. One thing i liked a lot was blocking up all the traffic. That's something i always enjoy doing, getting all those stupid drivers to stop for a while.

Anyway, the march vame to an end, and the day too. If i had written this on wednesday evening instead of surfing the net, i would have had many more details to add, but i've forgotten quite a bit already.

On thursday i had, as usual, an apointment with my therapist. We cleared up a lot of what had happened on Tuesday, and then we talked about my upcoming apointment with the gender-disorders-specialist (on tuesday). We covered a lot of ground there, and i'm a lot calmer about it then i was before.

Friday was a nice day, and our boss let us (the apprentice and me) leave early because everything was calm and we didn't have any backlog of work to do. So then i decided i would finaly get linux, a project i've been harbouring for a while. I downloaded for over 24 hours, a total of over 600 megabites (have i gone totaly bonkers?). I slept next to the computer so that i could check on the progress and give it a push if it snagged anywhere.

And that brings us up the what i started this entry with, trying to install it and not getting anywhere. After that i was too tired to try again, it's not in any way urgent, so for now i'll leave it. Today i slept past midday, then i finished the book i was reading (Decline and Fall, by Sherry S. Tepper). Then i came here, wanting to work on the puter, and because it was such a nice day i decided to walk, there's a beautiful path that follows the river. However, i soon developed an intense pain just behind my ear, and started to go faint, and it was with my last forces that i managed to arrive here and crash on the sofa. I still am quite wiped, i think i might have caught a bug or something. But then, i *think* i *might* have caught something quite regularly, and usualy it's over in a couple of hours. It's not hurting anymore, but i feel very tired and faint. So i'll finish this now, and go home to hopefully get an early night.

Love, and thanks for reading,

Ruby