March 15th, Wednesday

So yesterday i went to see my new therapist, Dr. Chatton (if you'd translate this literaly, it would be Dr. Kitty-cat *chuckle*... i just figured that ont out right now). He's a gender disorders specialist, or as they say here a "sexologue" (a sexologist? now isn't that gross). But actualy he was quite a nice man.

Anyway, first the run-up. I begged of from work early, saying that i had to meet my new T., even though the appointment was only quite late in the afternoon. But i wanted to get dressed and do my make-up, and i didn't want to be in a hurry, as i was allready quite nervous enough. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that i was on the verge of panicking? I certainly almost fainted in the waiting-room, but i'm getting ahead of myself.

I had done a load of washing so that i would have a choice (a limited choice, my funds haven't allowed me to get a lot of female clothing) of what to wear, i had borrowed my favorite liquid foundation from mum the night before, i had enough time, but still i was quite excited and therefor rather unsteady when i was preparing myself.

I chose some gender-neutral black pants out of a velvet-like fabric, and decided to wear pantyhose under that (i don't know if that's done, pantyhose under trousers, but that's what i felt like doing). A tight dark purple t-shirt, and of course the necessary padding. Over that the knitted coat-like garment that you can see on my photos in an earlier page of this diary, and then finaly for in the streets my coat, which i think favores the male side, but with which i pass quite nicely most of the time. Of course my shoes too, i think i've described them earlier, they are quite sensible, and only add about an inch to my height.

I spent a lot of time on my face, first with a careful shave (the second that day) then make-up, the luiqid foundation, which really makes my skin seem smoother and covers up a lot of the acne-scars, even when applied only very lightly. A bit of blush, and as usual, less does more, and i didn't want to appear a tart. (Short interjection here, this allways makes me think of the witches in Terry Pratchet's Discworld novels, here in masquerade: "Maids of Honor?" "Well, they start out as Maids, but they end up Tarts" re: Nanny Ogg's "The Joy of Snacks".) I think i've gotten quiet good with the eyes too, some colour on the lids, getting a bit darker at the outer corners, gently curve the lashes upwards, i think i was a bit heavy on the eyeliner on the upper lids, but just a bit on the outer lower edges, !inside! the lashes. Then as finishing touch some dark lipgloss, dab the excess of, and i was ready.

No! Not true, now had to get my handbag ready, clean out all the stuff i really don't need to carry around with me (old bills, flyers from the womens march, stuff like that) and fill it up with some items that usualy live in my backpack (hairbrush, that kind of thing). Oh, and this nail is all jagged, got to fix that first too! I'm sure i've forgotten something, is my hair alright? Heck, i've already gone through it 3 times this afternoon, it won't get any better. Give it another quick brush anyway.... (this is where i throw my hands up in the air and give up, i just won't get any better prepared then i am).

Of course i'm still way to early, but that's just what i wanted, i can walk slowly, breath deeply, try to calm down, get my bearings on the map the computer was so friendly as to print out (cute little map, actually a satelite-photograph, really high detail, i can count the individual trees in the park). So nervous that i have to take out the map at every street-crossing, that's not like me! Get lipgloss on my cigarette, but that's fun. Then i end up walking right by the building, and have to double back, but that's okay, i've still got plenty of time.

Can you see how nervous i was? I just wrote a dozen paragraphs just about getting there, i haven't even seen the secretary yet. *chuckle*

The secretary is a friendly lady in her middle age who smiles at me and shows me to the waiting-room. Then she gives me a form to fill out, the usual, name, adress, date and place of birth, health-insurance company, etc. I have all the necessary documents with me. There's another couple in the waiting-room with me, middle-aged, they're obviously here for the first time too as they're filling out the same form. They read me as female, no problem. A doctor sticks his head into the room, for a moment i hope he's calling me, he looks quite friendly, but it's for the couple.

Then comes the wait. Of course i can't relax, i'm way to nervous, and i don't want to go all jittery all over the waiting-room either, so i sit still, my hands folded in my lap, my back straight. I can feel my pulse, it seems to be fluttering, but i doubt that it really is. Then i start to feel weak, and get the feeling that i'm starting to sway. Another women comes in and waits for a couple of minutes before being called. I steal a glance at my watch, he's 10 minutes late. If you would pluck me i would go *twang*.

Finaly he arrives. Sticks his head into the room, looks around, smiles at me. Dr. Chatton, i presume? He leads me to his office, it's large and comfy, huge glassed-in bookcase, a few plants, the blinds are down. He offers me a seat, (how many times have i been in this situation before?), says a few introductory words, then asks me why i am here. He knows about my being ts, he wants to hear it from me. I can hardly speak, when i do my voice comes out as a squeak. I start again: "I need help." From there on it's easier, but my voice never really comes back. I speak quietly, haltingly. Sometimes i stutter a bit, but i've always done that. Sometimes i cry a little, never much, i've cried about all this before. At one point he says that he thinks that i've been scared for most of my life, and of course that's true, i had OCD (an anxiety disorder) for 20 years, but now it's gone. We talk about my earliest memories (which revolve about wanting to be a girl, not wanting the genitals i've got). He asks me to describe what i feel about them, i only can say "dirty, not proper, not mine". That's one time that i cry. Another time i cry because i think what would i do if i couldn't do anything about it. I say i would kill myself. It's true. I couldn't go on living if i didn't see some kind of solution. He asks me what i want to do. Become female, become socialy accepted as a woman, live as a woman, adapt my body to what i feel it should be. He seems rather impressed by my ideas of what it means to be a woman, but my sister and me have been discussing gender-theory for years. Very early in the session he asks me why i want to be a woman. To be me, Ruby. (i hardly ever think of myself with my old name, i have to pay attention not to sign mail at the office with Ruby). I tell him how i've cultivated my aura of weirdness, even crazyness, because i learned early that if people think you're crazy they will accept strange behaviour much more willingly. We talk about the role i played in scouts. We do a brief resume of my previous experience with the psychiatric institutions. We talk and talk and talk for ages. In all we talked for 90 minutes. I was exhausted. He saw that i was exhausted, he asked me if i would be alright. He asked if it would be alright to record some sessions on video, and if it would be alright to invite my parents to a session. I've done all that before, it's okay. He gives me the number of a psychologist he would like me to see, for some "projective tests" (i don't think i've translated that quite accuratly?). He speaks english too, and it's okay for him if i use english from time to time when i can't find the proper expressions in french. He seems impressed when i tell him that french is my third language, i think he had thought i was a native french-speaker (i can fool most people about that). It went on for ages.

At the end he accompanies me to the door, because it might be locked because everybody else is gone. That's how long it took.

When i step outside i see that it has rained. The air is all fresh and clean and soft, the sidewalk is glistening. I breathe deeply, this is just what i needed. I walk, slowly, while the rain comes back in a soft drizzle. I walk most of the way here, ignoring the trams and buses which go in my direction. Here, i answer mail that has been waiting for ages, i have this enourmous energy that i can now allow to flow freely. I answer loads of posts on Something Fishy too. I've got another appointment in two weeks time.

Today i called the psychologist he wants me to see, and spoke on her answering-machine. I only stuttered a little, the machine said that she will call me as soon as she can, i asked for tomorrow morning. Tomorrow i'm also seeing my old therapist again.

I think that's all i've got to tell right now. Thank you for reading all this.

Love,

Ruby

March 16th, Thursday

Just an update on yesterday. When i got home, quite early because mum kicks me out when she goes to bed, i decided to go and hang out in the dining-area for a while. I should really do that more often, just to meet my friends and all. But anyway, somehow we (there were only 3 of us) got into a really weird mood, talking really dirty, pretending at all kinds of sexual preferences which we don't have, forgeing temporary alliances only to turn on our allies in the next sentence, it was really lewd. In a way it was like the dancing at F.'s birthday-party that i described. Except that i was playing too. No guilt. I think i even managed to shock the others from time to time.

It helped that of the other two one knows about me, and is more or less accepting, and the other knows some (but not all), and is totally accepting (but a bit at sea about it all). I could just relax, and let my imagination supply me with all the hairy details i wanted. It was the first time ever that i joked like that, just a few months (or even weeks) ago i would have clammed up tight like a virgin on her first date, crammed full of anxieties and complexes, and here i was enjoying myself.

I don't know if it means anything, but it feels so good to get rid of those inhibitions, and i felt so very free. *chuckle*

Anyway, that's all i wanted to say.

Love,

Ruby

March 19th, Sunday

The last three days were quite busy. We (rather: my parents) had visitors for the weekend. They arrived on Friday evening and left this afternoon. They're a couple, with 3 kids, who live out in the middle of nowwhere in the mountains. They've been friends for ages. Käthi, the mother, knows about me. So we did lots together, and i spent a bit less time then usualy on the puter.

But before i tell all about the weekend proper, we had a party on friday night. I went quite late, because i don't like big crowds where i know few people, but most of *my* people stay late. And indeed i saw Manu and Tünde, Daniela, Adil and Natascia before sitting down with Verena and Thierry for a talk. Thierry left rather soon, but he's training to be a jesuit priest, and i guess he has to attend matins or something, so he needs to go to bed on time. So i had a nice long talk with Verena. Pretty soon the discussion came to how i was doing now, and i decided to tell her. Even though i was pretty sure that she's take it well, i first asked if it was okay if i did a coming out. And she answered by asking directly if i wasn't sure whether i wanted to be a boy or a girl. She'd figured it out herself allready.

This is starting to become a pattern. I tell somebody that i've got to tell them something really important, and they answer "Oh, is it that you're TS?". Or something to the same effect. So anyway, i had another succsesful coming out. Whatsmore, she allready knows a succsesfully transitioned TS, with whom she went to school a couple of years back.

Yesterday and today i lived as a woman. We went to the market, we went clothes shopping (it was really frustrating, because i don't have any money to spend, but at least mum bought me a tight-fitting, décoltéed orange t-shirt), we went to the movies. The whole time Käthi kept making me these little compliments: you look good, you did you're make-up very well, you've got a fine figure, that suits you very well...... What a boost!

Today i also tried to burn all the files i downloaded for linux onto a cd, but it kept fouling up at the same place, so i gave up (for today... i'm sure that i'll figure something out) (only that i've got to return the cd-burner tomorrow).

Oh well, it's not as if anything important hinged on my getting linux installed anytime soon.

As allways, thank you for reading all this way.

Love,

Ruby