Sunday 8th May 2005
7:12 PM MST
I can talk more on my surgery later. Today is mother's day, and as is usual my Dad's has an amazing nack of bad timing. Nonetheless, he finally delved in to telling me exactly what he thought of my life and me. To him I am doomed to the Telestial Kingdom, and maybe subject to being a Son of Perdition because I have chosen to live a homosexual life. To the non-mormons out there, my Dad feels that I have doomed myself to Hell and maybe lower, for I am sinning against the knowledge. I know the gospel of Christ through the LDS teachings, I have received the two Priesthoods, served a faithful and honorable LDS mission. Because of my knowledge of these things, and my choice to accept my same-gender sexual orientation, and thus live as a "homosexual", my father believes I am damned. He tries to hold his embracing me and his inheritance for me as weighted reason to choose to live life as he would have me live. He calls my life adulterous because I have sex outside of marriage, yet, he fully opposes any recognition of a marriage of my choosing, that to a male (same-sex) partner. This is hyprocrisy (not to mention that the proper term is fornicatious instead of adulterous). He uses as proof that being a homosexual is sin because I cannot father a child naturally. The fact is I can father a child, the egg may be of any female or even blank with today's technology. I could go on and on in the banterings of the religous against homosexuality and those who are proponents of true equality and love without judgement, but that would not do this entry any good.
It hurts that after all these years my Dad really does not seem to know me. It hurts that his love for me at this point seems conditional. The truth is, his love has always felt conditional for as long as I can remember. I know this is true as it has been verified unbidden with my siblings as their experience with Dad with all of us. I do not expect my father to ever agree with my being gay. I do not expect him to ever change from his devotion from the LDS (Mormon) church. I do love him, acknowledge, and appreciate for what he has contributed to my physical independence today. I hope that someday he can be more at peace with my choices in life, as he seems to need it. I do hope that his heart is lightened from the load of hate against the homosexual lifestyle, and against anything that is not of the church. He is physically ill with asthma, allergies, and many breathing ailments. The stress he holds including these "disagreements" expressed with such reglious zealousy likened unto the zealousy of the extreme right, extreme left, Klu Klux Klan, and the like cannot be any help to the stress he holds which invariably adds to his health problems.
3:53 PM MST
Well I had my hip replacement surgery on Wednesday 4th May 2005. The surgery was originally scheduled at 11:45am but the previous two surgeries had complications which pushed mine back until nearly 2 PM. My surgery went well, no complications other than the fact my hip would not allow the doctor to operate from the posterior position, only from the anterior.
Sunday 24 April 2005
9:09 AM MST
Last night I was told by a newly met friend that his first impression of me is that I walk to my own beat. This could be viewed as a negative thing or a positive thing. By his tone, I assume this is a positive thing. It was at a club where the comment was made, so no further explanation was to be had.
Also yesterday, my friend's 17 year kid, when he was asked what he thought of me and my friend, told my friend he should marry me. This is almost surprising. I know the kid thinks I am cool to hang around with, which is appreciable. However much I may appreciate my friend for who he is, we have tried living together as roommates before, we ended up having to take a 6-month break from each other after being roommates for a year before we could even attempt to hang out again. So the chances of trying to be anything more than friends seems significantly unlikely. Ofcourse, the lack of the romantic element between us would also be a good deterrent of possibility.
I think most people would have their family more involved in their life than I do mine. The lack of involvement of my family in my life likely stems from a combination of factors. One is their relative physical distance from where I live. I have no immediate family here in Utah. Another is partly their desire to be that involved in my life. And yet another, and likely more affecting factor, is my desire to have any real semblance of dependency on my family in my life.
I bring this up, for my upcoming total hip replacement surgery. With such an invasive surgery, some dependency is unavoidable. Whenever I have had times where I had to experience dependency, I have always trusted and felt more comfortable obtaining that from close friends and acquaintances. It will again be so with my hip surgery. At first it almost troubles me that unlike many I know, I cannot really rely on family to be of assistance. But then, after a small amount of dwelling on it, I am happy I always have friends around I can trust to have some level of dependency on. I am always taken care of wherever I am in life for whatever needs I have, and this is fortunate.
Thursday 21 April 2005
I am not sure what this journal may or may not be, but I felt like starting some type of online blog/journal.
Sure have been going through stresses and emotions this week. This is not really abnormal for me, though I do tend to keep a cool demeanor most times.
I have gone through and added notes in my calendar activites in MS Outlook, which is updated/synchronized with my Palm Treo. And it is late, in four hours time I am to get up to go to work again. Thankfully I took about 1.5 to 2 hour nap this afternoon.
Tue 4/12/2005
1:07 pm: men.
They are wonderful too hold, yet impossible to keep.
Tue 2/1/2005
8:20 am: feeling lost.
Is Ethan really a true friend? has he really ever had a true friend? How can I be one to him & remain true to myself?