Like most girls, I had grown up with dreams of motherhood. I, of course, was going to be the perfect mother. It's been a hard, sharp fist to the gut to realize I have not been so. To finally understand that I could never be so as it is an unattainable and unreasonable goal. Maybe keeping that illusion so close to my heart for too long was my downfall.

I had always considered myself intelligent, strong, and resilent. These were the gifts that would see me through life. But parenting a teenager has strained, and oft times, broken through those traits to find my most vulnerable points, to hone in on them in a seemingly vicious, unprovoked attack designed to break my spirit. Pivoting toward me like a cannon bearing to aim from the top of a sophiscated high-tech tank. Firing without warning and unerringly finding the target like a heat seeking missle.

Absolutely nothing in my life had prepared me for the teen years. Nothing had ever so consistently frustrated me, defied me, belittled me. Changed me in the most fundamental of ways. Nothing had hurt me as deeply a teenager could. Yet as incident after incident, problem after problem was tossed at me, I stocially endured and coped in silence. Because if I didn't speak of them, didn't acknowlge them in any way, I could deny that they hurt so deeply and disappointed so keenly.

I don't fault her solely. All teens are problematic. That is the nature of the beast. And, of course, she is who and what I raised her to be. Though we all have free will, my mistakes, no matter how well intentioned, or even unintentional, help to shape her life, were instrumental in some way in the choices she made. This is a burden, a guilt I have to carry. One I hope I can hide in some deep, dark corner of my mind and survive. One I will have to learn to let go of as, it too, is the nature of the beast.

But now, as she is preparing to leave the house and find her own way, I see some light from a brighter future ahead. Maybe I did a better job with her than I've given myself credit for, than I've given either one of us credit for. Despite all, I can honestly say I think I have a fine daughter who will someday be a fine woman. If only we can somehow live through it.