My Husband

I’m from England & my husband is from America. We met in a yahoo chatroom at the worst time of my life, in September 1999. That’s a whole story in its own right, but this is the ‘uncensored’ version.

I was an exchange student at a college in Vermont. The exchange was a compulsory part of my degree – if I’d had a choice, I wouldn’t have gone. At this point in my life I’d been cutting myself for 4 years and was very depressed. I hadn’t made any friends at the new college, so I spent my free time in the computer lab. I had a few good female friends online, who I met at Queendom but none of them were around on the night in question. So I logged onto yahoo chat, to keep myself occupied.

I went straight to a music chatroom, where I found two other people. After some general chit-chat, one of the guys left and I continued to talk to my future-husband. I have no clue how I brought it up, but we started talking about my self harm. I was feeling pretty bad that night and I had no problem talking about my 'issues' with a stranger. I wouldn’t give him the address of the website where I often posted, but at the end of the night I did give him my e mail address.

After a few months and many hours of instant messenger chats, we became good friends. Then in May 2000 we realised we had stronger feelings for each other. I was pretty amazed that he wanted to be with me – I’d come to believe that no one would ever want to be with me, because of my scars and self harm. I thought that my self harm was all there was to me. It defined my personal identity. I’m very lucky that my husband was able to see past it, to who I really am.

My husband is the only person I know who cares about me enough to support me. He’s the one person who has never quit on me. I’ve talked to my fair share of professionals – but they have their time limits & boundaries. I’ve also known a few self harmers offline – but I was never able to talk openly with them either. Self harm is such a private, often shameful, act that I couldn’t break down my walls

I could never have married someone who ignored my self harm or who criticised my behaviour. My husband’s willingness to try to understand my self harm is one of the major reasons I was comfortable with emigrating to his country and marrying him.

My husband is also the major reason that I haven’t cut myself since August 2000. I’ve come to see myself as a better, lovable person. I think my husband is so wonderful - and he loves me, so I can’t be all that bad. I trust his judgment there. We’re also so close that if I ever cut myself – it would be as if I was injuring him…and I could never hurt him like that.

It’s really strange to think about it – but when I was at my lowest point (staying for several nights in the college health center because I was unable to trust myself to stay safe) I met my husband-to-be. I couldn’t see any future for myself then, but God had other plans. It certainly goes to show that you never know what is around the corner – so don’t lose hope. Suicide is definitely never the answer – it’s a permanent ‘answer’ to a temporary situation / feeling.

We still have some issues to work on – relationships are never perfect. I’m still not all that great at talking about my feelings, but we get there in the end. I also need to stop pulling out my hair and biting my skin. But I am doing a lot better than I used to be. :)