My Theory on Wind

I believe that wind is made by one of several means. Not very precise I know, but it could be a combination of these ideas as well.

According to the Chaos Theory, a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil can cause a tornado in Kansas. Using this as a benchmark, what would something like a sneeze do? or, better still, the exhaust from a DC-10 aircraft? But I digress. I believe wind is made of one of the following three ways

• Air resistance to Earth's natural convolutions

• Daily movements of people and animals magnified through application of the Chaos Theory.

• Secret underground weather machines located under Antarctica's 2 mile thick sheet of ice.

Now, let us explore each aspect of this theory in greater detail.

Air Resistance to Earth's Natural Convolutions

When we run, walk, or jog, we are under several forces, the least of which is not air resistence. Earth's geological (and manmade) structures also generate this kind of resistence, though not in the same manner (for my theory's purposes anyway). As the Earth spins within its atmosphere, the still air must move around, through, over, and under mountains, valleys, bridges, skyscrapers, little buildings, outhouses, glue factories, butcher shops, dog poop, cars, people, dogs, squirrels, beaver dams, and goats, just to name a few. This motion causes a stirring of the air, resulting in wind. Why isn't it windy all the time then? Don't question me smarty pants, I haven't finished yet. Much like water, these forces would be buffering against each other, causing an eddying effect.

But what about the jet stream, you ponder? Well, it's the same thing, only this equation has a constant. The jet stream is created by Mt. Everest. Naturally (and logically) the tallest landmass in the world would cause the most noticeable patterns in wind. Fluctuations in the jet stream may also be attributed to smaller mountains, buildings, etc., creating conflicting currents and altering the path.

Movements of People and Animals Magnified Through Application of the Chaos Theory.

To one who understands the chaos theory as well as myself, this is the most obvious and logical of the three propositions, which may or may not be connected.

Example: A fly is buzzing around my head. The fly buzzing is one factor to be exponentially multiplied by the Chaos Theory. Next, I swat at the fly, creating a noticeable gust of wind, factor 2. Then, the fly, one of the most adept aviators in the insect world , deftly avoids the would be fatal blow. Factor 3. Having exerted such a tremendous force, I topple my chair, an action which creates wind resistence and is amplified more by my flailing arms and girl-like screams of sheer terror. Factors 4, 5, and 6. And finally, as my chair hits the ground, I release a transmission of rectal anal fletus, also known to the layperson as a "fart". Factor 7.

Applying the Chaos Theory, in which the wingbeat of a latin butterfly can cause a vortex in the cornbelt, this scenario would be disastrous, perhaps causing an E.L.E. (or extinction level event). So why doesn't it?

Ah, there's the rub kids. You didn't read the Chaos Theory fine print. There are millions of factors that would have to be in line for the wingbeat to cause a tornado. Thus it is called the Chaos Theory, not because it is completely random, but because it has the APPEARENCE of being completely random.

Antarctica's Underground Weather Machines

It is well documented that there is an ongoing weather experiment being conducted in Alaska as I am writing this. Known as H.A.R.P., it is based on the work of Nikola Tesla, who believed that electricity could one day be transported wirelessly and could, in fact, change the weather.

I believe that Nikola Tesla is not dead, and lives under the ice of Antarctica, where he has built several weather machines and is playing Poseidon.

That, dear friends, is my theory on wind.