1) Moe: "I'll use your head as a bucket and paint my house with your brains"

2) Barneys Japanese Girlfriend: "I would like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a mans hat"

3) Homer: "And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

4) Homer: "To alcohol! The cause of- and solution to- all of life's problems"

5) Homer: "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

6) Homer: "Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers."

7) Homer: "Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that."

8) Homer: "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

9) Homer: "Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try"

10) Homer: "All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one"

11) Ralph Wiggum: "when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life."

12) Homer: "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get."

13) Bart: "What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it."

14) Homer: "Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love."

15) Homer: "Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."

16) Homer: "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

17) Homer: "Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family."

18) Homer: "I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."

19) Homer: "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

20) Homer: "Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked."

21) Homer: "Ha ha! Look at this country! ? R U Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay on the globe)

22) Homer: "What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."

23) Homer: "I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb."

24) Homer: "Trying is the first step towards failure."

25) Homer: "Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them." (to aliens who abducted Simpson family)

26) Homer:: "The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!"

27) Homer: "It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone."

28) Homer: "Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?"

29) Homer: "Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."

30) Homer: "Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"

31) Homer: "'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?"

32) Homer: "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on."

33) Homer: "Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs."

34) Bart: "What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?"

35) Bart: "Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ."

36) Bart: "There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson."

37) Hippy: "Uh, Homer, those were our PERSONAL vegetables."

38) Krusty Look-Alike: "Hand me over all your money in a paper sack!"
Apu: "Yes, yes! I know the procedure for armed robbery!"

39) Mindy(Homer's crush, inside an elevator): "Well, it looks like we'll be getting off together, uh, I mean, going down together,uh, I mean- "
Homer: "That's okay, I'll just press the button for the stimulator - I mean elevator!"

40) (Familiar mechanical-sounding scream from outside the plane) Airline captain: "Uh, everyone, please strap yourselves in, as we are experiencing a little Godzilla-related turbulence. It doesn't look too bad, though. He usually lets go at about 30,000 feet, and, after that, we'll just have to worry about Moth-Ra, Ged-Ra, and Rodan."

41) Barney: Uh oh, my heart just stopped. Ah...there it goes.

42) Ralph: "That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things."

43) Chief Wiggum: Mrs. Simpson, I believe your husband is DOA....
Marge: HE'S DEAD?!!
Wiggum: Oh, no, that's DWI. I always get these police terms mixed up.
Women in Police Station: Hi, you said my husband was DWL....

44) I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down"

45) Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounter is true and by true, I mean false. Its all lies. But they're entertaining lies, and in the end isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.

Links
[Quotes][Song Lyrics][Character Profile][Gallery][Who does what voice][Hello, Moes Travern....][Barts Blackboard Dentention Quotes][Is Mr Smithers Gay?][The Simpsons Original Shorts][Troy McClure, You might remember me from...][Poll- Which State is Springfield in???][ Sounds from the Simpsons][Sign Guestbook][ Area 51- My Humour Site]

Established August 2001 ©Copyright H. Bedford. All Rights Reserved.