veg jokes

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into
a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder,
which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry.
"Where the hell have you been?".
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but
they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.
I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and
one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder
and says... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"
So what's the morale of this story? Always tell your wife the truth.
She won't believe you anyway. At least your conscience is clear.

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.
One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying?
Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that.
During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test."

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his
bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her
to come nearer. As she sat by him,
he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times When I got
fired,
you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house,
you stayed right here. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently
asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're my bad luck."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce
you man and wife."

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory
lecture to a class of   students. Standing over a
corpse, he addressed the class. "There are   two
things you need to make a career in medical forensics.
First, you   must have no fear." Having said that, he
shoved his finger up the   corpse's anus and licked
it. "Now you must do the same," he told the   class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class
did as   instructed.
"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an
acute sense of   observation. For instance, how many
of you noticed that I put my   middle finger up this
man's anus, but licked my index finger?"