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Hi. This is Hamster Meg here, writing what will become the first of many monthly guides to what the stars have in store for you toooooooo (and other pop bands who have their origins firmly in Ireland). October, traditionally the tricky month, is upon us again. From the eternal vibes picked up through my crystal balls, I can feel it is a month of great change. Yes, This is the month to redecorate the house, to pick out a new wardrobe, to find a new lover... that is for all of you, except those born under the sign of Cancer, who are known to be right sticks in the mud, and will never change (not even their underwear) without a lot of badgering...
For those born under the sign of the Ram, October holds much that is good. All of your dodgy dealings will bear fruit, and that pony you slip the law every month will lead to them, once again, casting a blind eye over all that transpires. However, you should beware Inspector Dixon. Once he turns up, it will be all change. Now is a good time to take that holiday in Rio you've been planning for so many years, in fact, why not emigrate?
Well, well, well. Like the bull, you are full of it aren't you? The lies that echo forth from your mouth rarely have but the smidgen of truth. Of course, this month, you are going to be caught out. That one you told that bloke/bird down the nightclub (well, it was dark, you couldn't quite tell) the other week about your 17 yachts is to be your undoing. They, secretly, were working for the inland revenue, and are as you read this, about to start a deep investigation into your accounts - for they know there is no-way you can own 17 yachts on the pitance you earn... unless you've been lying on your tax forms (which could explain the creases in them).
Those lucky people who are Gemini are the all round sexy sign of the month. Hordes of rampaging MOS (Members of the Opposite Sex - whatever they are) will demand marriage / sex / both from you. Of course, you will feel flattered, but will turn them down. You are quite stupid aren't you ? You should take them up on the offer because, not to give too much away, you're not gonna get any for a while... barren lands and all that metaphorical stuff.
Those born under the sign of Cancer might cheer up a little bit and let their hair down... This is, of course, unless they're bald - in which case, they'll be quite moody. Those moody Cancerians are at greater risk from falling cows, and should not leave the house, just in case a falling bovine happens to pick them to land upon.
Those born under the Lion should beware. Lion's are big and dangerous and can rip you limb from limb without a second thought. However, those born only under the sign of the lion should be okay. Just don't venture too near zoos... Just in case. October holds much fun for Leo's, but I don't want to spoil anything - because you'd only have to fake surprise when it actually happened!
All you Virgins out there should be happy this month. Especially those owned by a beardy bloke. Those owned by a beardy bloke will once again take a big risk that will pay off, such as entering the lucrative Crisp market - or maybe buying a sports car company? Those not owned by a beardy bloke, well, you might have a one night stand or something if you're lucky. Don't hold your breath though!
Doh, Ray, Me, Far, So, La, Tee, Doh... Yes, the Scales, in October, will break into song quite easilly - singing classic songs from Mary Poppins or the sound of music. Indeed, the streets will be alive with people telling us what are a few of their favourite things. Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens - bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown papper packages tied up with string... and so on, and so forth. Don't be surprised if someone decides to hit you.
Those Scorpions out there will decide that October is a good month to go around and sting people. Whatever you do, don't give in to your animal instincts! It is wrong I tells you! You're human, not animal. Do not, I say, do not give in... You do not want to turn to the dark side, young Jedi... no... you want to be a lumberjack...
Remember, lightning never strikes twice, except when it does, and October is no exception. Make sure all your insurance policies are up to date - not that I'm saying that something bad will happen, but, you never know. If you haven't done already, it might be an idea to make out a will. Just a little one. Just to be safe... You never know when an accident might happen.
Good grief! I don't think I should tell you what's going to happen this month. We both know that you don't believe in any of this tosh... stuff and nonsence you say... But this month, well, you're going to get a big surprise, but as you don't believe any of this, you'll probably just think its a coincidence.
Shhhh! You're about to have the shock of your life when your SO (Significant Other - which is totally meaningless to me) decides to have a sex change. Don't worry! They don't want to have bits chopped off, and other things stuck on. They just want to try it Doggy style for a bit. Whatever you do, make sure you use a condom, and try not to laugh as they howl at the moon.
Finally, the fish. You will open a chipshop, but, after a reasonable first couple of weeks, you will slip on a batter-splash and break your big toe. This, however, is a good thing because it means you'll be in hospital for a couple of months... which, at the very least, saves you on travelling...
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