HT:The Spice of Life

Welcome once again, to the HT:Spice of Life, with me, Hamster Spice, reporting all the up's and downs in the world of all things Spicy. All this week I've been looking in the mirror trying to follow the expose on the Spice Girls, but all I've really drawn from it is what a wonderfully sexy looking chappess I in fact am. And in fact, if I was to say that I had a best side, then the right would be that. But I'm rambling on aren't I? Well, I'm entitled to. If you're complaining you can go get your own bloody newspaper column and wittle on about anything that turns you on!

Oops. Sorry about that. I've not been the same since I tried out that new IMPULSE SPICE body spray. But more on that later...

It started with a Crisp!

Well, after being roped into advertising Walker's Crisps with a certain Gary, our Spice Girls have made their way, a second time, onto the fronts of packets of crisps. The first time, of course, being for the rather tasty cheese and chives flavour crisps which are really so yummy, they make me go "yum, yum, yum, I've cheese and chive crisps in my tum"... I've never been well. I didn't want to be a hamster. I always wanted to be a lumberjack parody... But they won't let me, so I'll carry on with the story.

The spice girl on the packet has been chosen specifically to match the flavour inside. We have Ginger Spice being Roast Chicken, which, as I'm sure we'll all agree, she definately is. We have scary spice, being Roast Beef flavour, and we have Baby Spice being Plain... although we're not sure which packet she's on...

Wear nothing, but...

[The naughty bits of the Spice Girls] Well. Have you seen that impulse add? Don't you think they ruin the punchline? If so, then you're not the only one. Occasional contributer, Mr S.S, had this to say on this advert...

"My this is nice pizza... hey! They ruined the punchline again!"

For those of you who have failed to see the advert - which must be a fair number of you as the advert is showing quite infrequently, the advert revolves completely around the comic effect of the spice girls walking naked through a busy street. Of course, they're not naked (are they?) but wearing very little. The punchline revealing this fact... only... it rarely does. Maybe they want the population of England to think of only the naked bodies of the spice girls... their curves, their legs, their naughty bits....

Two become....One

In an exclusive interview with Ginger Spice (well, she said she was Ginger and she was wearing a Bicardi Spice T-shirt) we look at the original, unpublished lyrics to "2 become 1"...

"Originally the song was a lot different, it was more to do with an idea that Mel B had at the time."

Of course, we asked more, but we're just inserting un-needed text here just to break it up a bit. You could probably ignore this bit - all good newspapers do this though, start something with a quote, put some meaningless waffle down, then go into another quote.

"Around the time we were writing it, she had become fascinated with the idea of having a sex change and becoming male.... Why she felt like this, I do not know... but... well... She's scary isn't she ? - and I'm not going to argue with her when she gets an idea into her head - although I have to admit that I didn't particularly like this one - how could we survive were she to undergo the chop... or whatever you'd like to call it..."

Don't mind me, I'm just thinking about what I've got to do tomorrow night, well, appart from get laid (I'm dressing up as an egg for halloween)

"From what I remember of her original lyrics, they went something like this

"I wanna make love, like I never made love before
(wanna make love like a man to you baby)
I need something extra that I never seemed to have before
(gonna get something extra for you baby)
I gotta hope theatres free,
so they can add bits onto me
'cause tonight, is the night,
Mel B becomes John."
Fortunately, our record producers decided that this would be a little too avant garde for most of our listeners, and would probably alienate some of the teenage boys who's lust we need to further our careers... and so the lyrics were changed to what you have today."

Well... what, really can you say to that. I, for one, will never look at Mel B in the same light again (I'm currently looking for a bigger spot... but that's only because I like squeezing them)