November 2000

November 1, 2000

well its a new month..new beginning..i know october has been a rather distant month for me..really havent been devoting much time to writing.I hope this month doesnt follow that pattern. I need to start writing again. It was not only thereputic for me, it was a way to release anything on my mind, a form of passive communication to those that need to listen, as well as keeps me out of trouble, because if i am here writing this that means i am not talking to anyone online. at least hopefully

Well yesturday was Halloween/Samhain. The witches new year and what a way to celebrate it then to find out some horrible news, have a fucked up day, have a lot of trouble..and overall..the psychic energy in the air was terrible..umm no comment..not even going to go there. but lets see..First off..found out i have another loan? This is the weirdest story but seems i am 4 months behind on a loan that was never paid..and i was never aware of. They kept sending me late notices and all that garbage..and i kept calling them up saying i send the check, you even cashed it and i paid you so stop bothering me..only problem was..they fucked up. It seems they forgot to send me the loan coupon book for that loan..instead they send me two copies of the other loan and all this time i have been doubling up on one loan..not even knowing i had the other loan..*sighs*..what a nightmare..4 months ahead on one..4 months behind and in collection with the other one. POUTS..but going to be applying for a forebarence on this loan because of the circumstances..damnit they already put me in collections that is going to fuck up my credit completely..and it is already fucked up to begin with. Now rather then 2 loans..i now have 3 loans..how the hell am i going to pay this..I thought that my mother took out only 2 loans..and i agreed to be in hock for 10 years because of them..but now i have 3? *sighs*..and the sad thing is..3 loans that is going to keep me in debt..yet absolutely nothing to show for them. I am a college drop out with not even a degree to show for it..pathetically..not even a two year degree..*sighs*..and to think that piece of paper means so much. I want to go back to school..problem is..have no goals, have no future, have no desires..right now doing nothing but existing and being miserable day by day.

I did have some fun last night..went to go see the blair witch project book of shadows part 2...made me realized that i really did give up a lot when i turned my back on the Godess. Halloween/Samhain..i initiated myself on Samhain..a new beginning new year..but i never dedicated myself...they put on trial for one year and if you can uphold the wiccan reed..and beliefs then you can dedicate and invoke the goddess..following the path of wiccan belief..see i gave up on that religion.i had to..It was too organized..then again..what i just said was nothing but the "organizational" aspect of it. Like with bdsm..religion is what you make of it. If anything i should consider myself eclectic agnostic..even if you want to put a title on me..atheist..got into a huge debate about this with a co-worker yesturday..She had such a hate and scorn for halloween..you can just see it in her face..saying the word halloween..she almost spits it out with hate..She had bad vibes..i dont know..psychic energy was just way too high yesturday..or maybe it is me..now that i am becomming more intuned with surroundings and my feelings maybe things are becomming more sensitized. Anyway...i dont know..i try not too think too much about religion..but i failed in that respect.

I was able to talk to Jim last night..needed to badly..i miss him so much..and god i feel terrible right now. I couldnt do it. I couldnt maintain myself or control myself..then again i didnt cum..but i went against him..I dont know why i did..but i couldnt take it anymore. It was about 5am in the morning and i just woke up from the most sexually impacted dream that i have ever had..have to admit it..i woke up panting, horny, sweating...it wasnt even funny..my nipples were rock hard..my clit was throbbing..i don tknow what came over me..but all i needed to do was just to touch myself..just to release..i got up to the point of just about cumming..then i stopped and cried my eyes out in tears. I failed Jim, I failed myself, *sighs*. Was it because i talked to him last night..i don tknow..i was upset aftr talking to him on a few things..he said a few things that bothered me..but then again.he was giving me my own medician..doing what i do to him..difference is..i couldnt handle it. I didnt go all the way..i ended up just crying myself back to sleep snuggling up with my teddy bear and rope..and drifting back to sleep..ended up waking up looking like a wreck taht even family asked if i got much sleep last night or not. what could i tell them...Um sorry mom..i was too busy fucking myself because i have been restricted for over a week and cant fucking take it anymore?..*sighs*..no i didnt tell them that..but told them i just couldnt sleep.

I am tired even now though..laid down staring into space for about 2 hours when i got home..in fact dont even know what the hell i was doing..i just really zoned out. my mind was racing away with thoughts..particularly about Jim, then about work, about me..my mind was just racing..but the time just flew by was like i wasnt even there for 2 hours. All i know is i find myself racing away over and over..everything is fast fast fast..i need to calm down. I have been trying those breathing exercises to try to focus and calm down..i just need to..I have been racing myself too much to exhaustion..even now..i find myself racing away..For what? i have no need to rush. *sighs*

there is so much to say..yet i am crashing..i need to go to bed..and to think it is only 7pm *shakes head*..feel like all i ever do is work and sleep. *shrugs*

Thursday Nov 2

well had my interview today..*crosses fingers*..i believe everything went well i kept a professional appearence, answered their questions which they grilled me and it was true i was honest. but geeze i have been working with the bank for about 4 months now..and they are grilling me in such a way..*shrugs*..but i hope i get in..they call this branch the "club med" branch..its beautiful HUGE, luxurious and the clients are RICH..filthy..i mean i worked there one day and i had this woman do a transfer of over $500,000. Yep thats 500,000 of her money..DAMN..dont even think i will see that much in a life time. *shrugs*..of course i will but you know my point. So had my interview and think it went well. Lasted for 45 mins. i thought at most would be 15 mins or so. Nope we talked, and talked, and talked. was all three of them manager, assistant manager and supervisor. *shutters* i just took a deep breath and went for it.

Aside from that..well next week my referal finally came in..woo hoo..i am going to see myself a nut doctor. Ok just joking, but seriously speaking. Going to see a psychiatrist next week because i desparately need some sort of counselor, someone to talk to, someone there. then again she is probably going to deem me nuts and knock me up on a bunch of pills sending me on my way. but out of this there is one thing i want to request from her. I want an IQ test. For some reason i am curious. Because either i am a fucking genius. Or stupid. but curious.

well find myself getting less and less sleep..then again been getting more sleep. I have been hitting bed at about 7pm every night which is a nightmare..then my nights are filled with dreams that are so vivid my body thinks i am actually a wake. Half the time i dont even know if it was a dream i had or not. Its strange. Buti know they are just dreams. But they are causing me to stay up all night..not getting any sleep and it is driving me nuts.

Last night had a dream of Jim and i..and i wrote him a last and final note saying "i love you Master". *shakes head*..something that either i will never say, or never admit to..cant decide..but in my dream that is what i said to him. it was an exchange of last words type deal. His message to me which i have to laugh at the symbolism was "Go TO BED".thats what he wrote to me in my dream. And its strange because it was like i was awake, but at the same time i was sleeping. All i know is i woke up exhausted even though i had about 12 hours of sleep. Just thinking about the dream i had the night before. An all out fuck fest with JIm. Was so vivid he was ramming be switching off between anally and vaginally as my arms were bound over my head and i was face down upon the bed. The feeling that i felt him just driving into me. Thats when i woke up and broke the assigment he gave me and failed both myself and him. I couldnt stand it..the torment of it. Not going to get into that again..but do have another random thought about it. more random thoughts..punishment

well all in all except for the fact that i am really sad that i hurt Jim as well as cried my eyes out all night last night..today was a rather pleasant day..just glad it is finally over. things are well. And i am fine. Been still practicing breathing exercises and working on focusing myself more. wonders if it is helping or not.

Sat Nov 4,

This is a fucking nightmare. I swear the bad thing is..i feel a complete absolution of feelings. Empty, void. For the past I dont know 2 hours all I did was just sit on the floor in my room amongst my clutter just sitting there staring into space. Maybe I blanked out for 2 hours who knows what happen. But I realized I cant take this anymore. I came home from work, was last day officially at the branch before I go to my new one on Monday. And started cleaning my room a bit, I took a nap, did some reading, had a nice lonely dinner, continued cleaning..then just gave up and sat on the floor. My room is still a fucking mess. Its like the more I clean it the more messier it gets. It is NEVER clean. It represents the complete chaos of my life. A small enclosed cubical of a room cluttered with junk. Each and every time I go through garbage bag after garbage bag of stuff..yet it is still messy. DAMNIT will it ever be clean. And now of all times I need it to be, have nothing better to do and this is the part that is driving me insane.

Jim’s punishment is almost too perfect. Even more tormenting then the restriction..which if I am not mistaken..i guess I am still restricted..I dont know..i am feeling I am being not doubled but quadrupled punished. My only line of communication cut off. *sighs* There’s no one to talk to. I have no one. Tried calling the corner guy..he wasnt home..BUT THANKFULLY 10 mins later he called me back at work of all places. He actually thought of me. Damn I miss him so much and still thinking at times to go over his house…but I cant do that again. Not even if I beg him to..i cant. I cant even be thinking about that now..not now. God I am so lost right now. Horny, lonely upset, scared. Pathetically sitting here watching guys and dolls preformance at the high school play. I never wasn in a play. That was my dream to be in at least one play in my life. Tried out for each and ever play in college..but by then..was too late. Never had the skills to preform but always had the preformers heart…

Well I am restricted from online for a week. This is going to be a nightmare. Its only day 3, but yet its the weekend. I need to get the fuck out of this house and do something. But there is nothing to do. Nothing. I cant even talk to Jim. I also have to call him up and tell him how lucky I am to have him. I am too lucky, he does so much for me, yet I treat him like shit. *shakes head* I have to go do this to him, dishonor him, disrespect him. What a Sam I am. Sam I am?..Dr Seuss? Not even going to start. So I am not allowed online, but may continue my diary in word just so I dont lose track of days. Probably isnt going to do any good..but keeping up with it anyway.

Well lets talk about work a little bit. I got transfer..woo hoo..however also got screwed with overtime, lost another day off, so that is a month worth of overtime..but at least next week I get the weekend off..Desparately need it off. The only question is, is Jim now going to see me or will it be over a month without seeing him, without feeling his touch, without…*sighs*..I need him, I really do. I need him so badly its killing me. I so desparately need a hug. I have one now. Lost the morning comforts now that I have been in another branch, and now I am even barred from the one source for comfort..the internet. See its a pleasure to talk to the few friends who listen damn list goes on an on..so many friends online who truly care about me, or at least I think they do. Yet I have no one real life.

Even my family. Damnit..My grandmother and aunt went out shopping all day. I asked if I could go with them, just to get out of the house. Just to go out. My grandmother flat out said NO. They didnt want me. I wanted to punch her out right then and there. She has been having a bug up her ass for the past few days taking it out on me for the most pettiness of things which is rediculous. I am so good to her when needed, I give her my last penny at times to buy her coffee, or gas. And I know she is good to me, but what kind of pettiness crap is she pulling on me. All I could do was sit in my room and stare into space. 2 hours just sitting doing nothing. *sighs*..

I was able to go out last night after work, went to a chinese auction, then again I was comming straight from work, exhausted, and I couldnt even play anything. Was too late, so just sat there watching everyone winning prizes. At one point had to just get the hell out of there..went outside in the freezing cold to call jim up..shuttering and doing my nightly assigment. *sighs*. This is a torment.

Tuesday November 7,

Its now what the 5th day since I have been online. I have been trying to do everything within my power not too make a big deal of it. Mainly been getting the hell out of the house, going out with the family. Just finding something to pass the time. Its not that I rely soley on the internet..well actually it looks like it may be. This punishment cut off more then just a way of being online. It cut off communication from Jim, from my friends, and most of all the thing which has kept me at an equalibrium. But now…I am lost..but ironically I havent been troubled. I am but yet at the same time I am not.

Things have been going good although a little rough. I got my transfer to the other branch..and OMG it is a BS job..i swear. The bank deals with very rich clientel, and basically it is slow as anything. Its a great atmosphere..although boring. I feel almost guilty for really not doing anything, but positive side, no mistakes, no errors, no stress. Much better then the garbage I have been getting from the other branch..and sad thing is..i am still getting it. They jipped me my overtime so I wont get it till two weeks from now. They have me going back and forth, from branch to branch..and I may lose my vacation day. This week I am supposed to get what is known as a "floating holiday"..but they doing do that at my other branch..*shakes head*..getting sick of the fucking politics. I am working in one branch although I wont officially be considered from that branch until Nov 27th although I got a call from the head quaters today saying that I am officially transferred..*shrugs*..i dont know. Basically I dont care right now.

There is one thing I basically want, actually a few things. One I want to get this punishment over with. It is killing me. Two I need to see Jim. Its been almost a month. I am getting desparate. I need to see him. Need to feel him, touch him, taste him…God he is plaguing my thoughts my dreams..This is getting compulsive. Every night all I think about is Jim, my dreams are filled with him..Half the time I cant even have a decent night sleep because I am thinking of Him. Why cant I be open with him? Why cant I tell him how I feel to him, but yet behind him I am everything to him. My problem is I am a self serving submissive. *sighs*. I dont want to live my life like that. I care for him too much. Its more then caring, but I cant admit that to myself, nor him. I just cant.

Thurseday November 9, 2000

looking at the time I have about 30 mins before I am allowed to be online however I also cant due to a dr appointment..POUTS, well finally going to see the nut-doctor so they can confirm that I am nuts and put me on more pills..*sighs*..no comment. But I have been doing all right I guess. Work has been easy, slow and dead. Been proving out with no troubles whatsoever. The clientel are all rich so its pretty easy. Ummm Its just very very slow there. Spent the entire day shreading papers…*giggles*..have to admit that could be interesting. But its boring there. But not going to complain, its like a vacation for me now. Not busy, not stressful, very laid back.

Speaking of stress..well my blood pressure is high again. I dont know..its been a rough week but my doctor gave me a month to get it down. I failed, and well I lost 11 lbs earlier there..now I gained 4 lbs..so the dr was pissed off at me. I am now taking water pills to try to get it down. DAMN THEM I am fucking peeing almost every 20 mins. It is terrible to keep going to the bathroom, and I know this is probably going to be a bad idea because they are going to be leaving me even more dehydrated then I have already been. But the dr doesnt want to hear anything about it. I dont know maybe it is all related, the depression causing high blood pressure or vice versa whatever. Who knows..but today I go to the psychiatrist to see if it is medical reason and she might refer me to someone I could talk to on a regular basis.

My punishment is still going on with Jim. I havent spoken to him all week. Its almost complete torment. Every single communication barrier has been blocked for me. No emails, no online, and all I get is a recorded machine message, in which I leave him my message. I cant even do it every night. I must sound like a bitch on the machine. I am almost angry, hurt, disappointed, regretful, sad, lonely, stricken, all these emotions all rolled up making a quick 2 min phone call. Worst part is..that I ached for him so badly. I miss him terribly. I need to see him this weekend. Me and Him, ALONE. I am getting to the point where I am driving myself crazy because I am without him. I have become obsessed..i really have..and I dont know how to stop it.

Sat Nov 11

Today is Veterans day a day too remember those who fought and served our country. It is almost too odd to say "happy veterans day" because what is so happy about it? Its almost a depressing day, but it is also very structured, formal. I think of my father at times, as well as the preparations, and discipline within the military. IN a strange way I at one point wanted to be in the military. Even took the entrance exam..got top scores in every category with the exception of auto machanicism. *giggles*..The officer who reviewed my file thought it was too funny. Out of 50 auto questions I only got one right, although on the math, science, history, ect ect..i got practically 100% on all parts. Then again..dont think I am military material would probably die in the training. *shrugs*.

Anyway..lets see curently under doctors care for high blood pressure, she put me on medication which SUCKS. Its water pills which cause me to urinate about 20 times daily. It is terrible..good think at the bank it is slow because they are starting to laugh at ever moment I can I go to the bathroom..Its almost sad. Aside from that..well took a trip to a counselor. She reccomends me for full psychological evaluation and possible long term therepy. Am I really that crazy? *sighs*..Its funny right now I am just recalling all these things probably make anyone crazy..yet I really dont care. To me it is funny. Well in an ironic sort of way.

And out of all the things..its Jim that is on my mind. I feel sorry for him. I talked to him for a little bit last night, ended up crying my eyes out when I hung up. Not because he upset me, but because I knew there is nothing I could do for him. I was thinking almost makes me sad. When I am down all I have to do is think of him, how good he is too me, how special he makes me feel, knowing that he is my dom. But at the same rate. I know he doesnt do that with me. I made him more to my life..i shouldn’t even be talking about this..*sighs*. Oh well.

truth is I dont even know what to talk about. Work is wonderful, life is over all good. I cant stand being online, and hate the chat realms, but yet here I am..well just writing in my diary..been too long. And well *smiles* in about 45 mins could talk to Jim…just too bad I cant see him..*sighs* Its been about a month since I have last seen him. I just miss him. Punishment is not helping. But keeping true to it, Havent shaved, havent touched myself with the exception of that last time, and getting fully bitter again about sex. *shakes head* oh well. I almost feel like right now would go to anyone anywhere and fuck the hell out of them. But not going to. I think i am really at a loss right now..plus get to call up jim right now..*smiles*..so that is bringing me a smile.

Sun Nov 12

i woke up this morning singing a Rodgers and hart song..funny thing is the reason i was singining it becaue it is almost like my life is backwards. Its the song "this cant be love"...."This cant be love because i feel so well..no sobs no sorrows no sighs" well..why do i feel like.."this has to be love because i feel so shitty, All sobs, all sorrows, all sighs"..*POUTS*. I dont know i am at a complete loss today.

All day yesturday i was saying to myself I love Jim, i love him, i have care too much about him, i am obsessed to much about him..yet at the same time i am also saying. I think i need to be released. GOD DAMNIT MELANIE. I know i am making a terrible choice i really am. I feel Jim is having too many problems for me right now..and with my problems he it is not helping the relationship. I crave so much more control, i just wanted him to take control but at the same time i am refusing him.*sighs*..i truly thought there was hope, 4 weeks ago when we scened it was so exciting it really was He used me, i was their for his pleasure, I loved it. Even though it was punishment I still loved it, because he finally had that control with me that i needed, that i desired. but then again it has been what 3-4 weeks since i have last saw him, touched him, tasted him, felt him, been with him, held him. Just the simplest of hugs. Maybe i am a slut, all i want is the sex, the love, the comfort. dont want anything else, and not capable of doing anything else because i am a shitty girlfriend. I cant be anyones girlfriend. I dont even know what the hell a girlfriend is. But that the point..I am not JIm's girlfriend, and he is not my boyfriend, but undergoing training i failed. Our training started with the pretence that i would not fall for him. Well too late..i did.

Funny thing is i was talking to many people about this..asking them for help and advice to sort these things out. One slave said..that for a girl to fall for her "trainer" means that he trained her so well..that the relationship turned into love. Then again later on she also said how a trainer is a Master...and for him to be denying that is making me deny who i am. Good question Who am i? What am i? I deny myself completely of who and what i am. IN fact stupid me spent the entire day in Gor yesturday. Always seeming to escape to Gor when things are at the lowest. 1)Fact one..because keep going there..means that i am a kajira at heart..just denying it. talked to a Master in Gor..he laughed his ass off at me. Said that i am nothing more then a kajira pretending to be a subbie. I gave him a different version. I thought i was a subbie pretending to be a kajira. Truth is..i dont know what the fuck i am anymore. Why cant i just be a girl who truly hasnt submitted herself to anyone. Maybe i am looking for that one word OWNERSHIP. i have never been owned truly. Is that what i am looking for..someone to own me. Is that what it will take for me to truly give myself over? Martin once said to me that the day i give myself over to someone will be too great. He wont deserve it..because it will be so much that even the Master wouldnt be able to handle it. He told me i have to give myself over even if it is a little at a time. Well i havent been giving myself over to anyone. No one. *sighs* I am referting back i know i am. Here i have it real life, although it is real life in which there is no constant communication, there is long winded gaps and spaces from communication. DAMNIT..I cant do this again. I am doing it again.

When i begged for the release from AJ..my world crashed. I lost myself completely. I DONT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN. I dont want to be released from Jim i love him too much..GOD i resist him, i go against him, but i love him. WHY cant he just control me. Restricting me is not the answer. I am too fucking blind..thats what it is..i am too blind. He has been controlling me..but even yesturday that phone damnit. He is so tired, so frustrated, life for him is not at a height, and i am still trying to climbe out of my life. But my life is good i just dont see it. So what if i am depressed and need counseling..so what if i have loans galor and soon going to be going into collections because i fucked up..they send me the wrong book, and i been paying off the wrong loan. *sighs*..So what if i am taking water pills which embarissingly enough i end up going to the bathroom about 30 times a day..SO WHAT ABOUT ANYTHING..that all means shit. Yet i look to him to take away my pain. Thats wrong..i looked to Jim..and the funny thing is..He did. He made me feel so special, so good, he always did..and still does when i think of him. But at the same time..right now..he is in pain..i feel i am failing him. But isnt walking away faling him. I am so confused. Left him a message on his machine. wanting to talk..only for 15 mins..Sad thing is even yesturday..knew that at 10 we would talk..and probably talk for a while,,,which we did..Why couldnt this one just have hopped on the 7am train..be there at 10 am..and just sit down and talk to him face to face for an hour or so..that is all i needed..god who knows..maybe we could have fucked for a little bit. *sighs*..i am bad i know it..all i am thinking about is him.But he is in so much pain..i cant help him DAMNIT. I dont know what to say now. I need to talk to him

Tuesday Nov 14

"There is a saying that one truly never knows what they had until it lost, then by then may be impossible to get back. At this moment i am on the verge of that same issue, except i have a chance, and this is a chance to get into the graces of the One whom i call Sir.

I have used this message board too many times for my own personal gain, screaming out that personal intimate portion of me, delving into problems and issues that have come about and hidden it in the form of questions here. Used to be easy, have weekly meetings, which was almost too perfect, each week can take on an issue that was troubling me the most, no wonder i was always so talkative at these things, it was all about me. Point is, i have used this form of medium as an attack, a venting, even an "slap in your face" philosophy. My mistake though was insulting the one whom means the world to me.

I have insulted him, disrespected him, embarressed him, have made attacks against him in secret forms. Why? What would be the motivation you might be wondering. Good question, i would like to understand why too. But i claim i am a good submissive, that i am even to the point of a slave, that i would do absolutly anything for Him, yet on every chance i get, i resist him completely. He gave me orders, a simple list for me to follow. I broke everyone one of them. He ordered me not to scene with other doms. Well behind his back i did so..not just once but on a few occasions throughout our relationship. He ordered me not to touch as a punishment, to not take pleasure in the form of masterbation. I direguarded everything he said, and had my way with myself. I resisted him on every chance i could take. One could say, that means i am not a sub, that i am not one for this lifestyle. He questioned me why he should keep me? At this point all the "i want you too" wouldnt matter at all, because it is ultimately his choice. You have that choice Sir.

Words cant describe how sorry i am Sir, me of all people always had trouble expressing the deepest sentiments within. Sir, i am sorry for dishonoring you, I am sorry for displeasing, i am sorry for failing you, I am sorry for ignoring you, I am sorry for everything.

I just hope Sir you can find it in your heart to forgive me, i know i have a long road ahead to get back in your good graces. It was you who is teaching everything, teaching me this lifestyle in a way that i have never learned before. Most of all Sir, for the rest of my life, it will always be you everything back to you Sir. I am sorry Sir.

I wish everyone well, have a safe, healthy happy thanksgiving which is comming, and be thankful for what you have..even if you are blind to see it, because the moment one loses it the world falls apart.

SIncerely

Melanie

This morning i left that message up on the castle boards. At this moment there is so much to say yet i am at a loss. The very first thing that comes to mind is..not again..*sighs*. On March 4, i did a public apology and in reading that..i realized i made the same mistakes. 8 months later..and i am still making the same fucking mistakes. What will it take me to learn? HOw many lives do i have to fuck up before i learn? This was my a chance to make good in the eyes of Jim, i want to make him happy, i dont want him to be mad at me. But reading this, its how i feel..but its so cruel. I dont know how to show my sentiments, i dont know how to truly tell him how i feel. I spent the nigh in tears i know i failed him, tears mean nothing, they are not a show of true emotion, yet all i can do is cry. I have never seen, felt or heard the anger from Jim ever, until yestruday i hurt him so much..I wish i could take everything back..but i cant. What was done is done, now its up to me to try to get back in his good light. I dont walk away, i thought i did. Running is not the answer, running away making the problems sound like it is HIM..when the problem was always with me. Thats the real issue. The problem was always my problem. But i always projected it to believe it was the "Master's" problem. I did it back in March. I still do it now. I make excuses, excuses to protect me. *sighs*.

Last night i was able to talk to Jim, there was one thing i learned, it might have saved me, but i am not saved yet. It is going to take a lot of work to get back. I might even not get back at all, but i am going to try and focus, but i was put in a situation, mostly my fault...but the day Donavin released me, he said to me the same thing Jim did last night. He said easily.."i am thinking about whether to release you" ..In Donavins case, i bitched, moan, whined, cried, and didnt fucking shut up, i went on and on an on and on..why he shouldnt, that i will be good that i wont do it..that i will learn..Well by then it was too late. Yesturday althoug put in the same predicament..and i whined, and cried, i learned to fucking shut up. But even that i almost failed. When he went silent on me, i panicked, "please dont go silent on me Sir" i said, "i am thinking of whether to release you"..those words, i just shut the fuck up..and the more it was silent the more and more panic i felt. Tears streamed down my eyes, my lips quivered, my throat tighted like a ball, my fate was in his descision alone, his choice, his command. I felt so weak and vunerable before him. I knew i had no power there. I knew no matter what i said..it was all up to him. I learned to shut the fuck up. even if i broke the silence a few times..i believe i was able to be quiet for a full min..possibly longer. In fact was just about ready to grab my ball gag..just so i wouldnt say a peep. I needed to learn that i had no choice..it was all up to him. When he finally broke the silence i have to admit..i thought i would hear the words "i release you"..i really did. I am so greatful the werent the words, Thats not what he said..He is giving me another chance. A chance to work hard, to please him, to get back in his good graces, to show him how i truly feel. To be the slave/sub that i so claim to be. He is giving me a precious gift, one the greatest gifts a Master can give....He is giving me a chance out of the supreme punishment. I did so much to him, treated him so much like shit, but he is giving me a chance to make it right. The only problem is..how the hell do i make it right. TOTAL OBEDIENCE, STOP RESISTING. That is the way. I have to Stop resisting him. I just hope i am not blind enough to learn this. There is a lot of things i hope for..but all i know is..now is a critical time. I cant fuck up. I just cant.

Nov 15 (Wed)

Must admit starting from this point on the diary is going to take on a different perspective. She has been giving a precious gift, one of a second chance to make things right with Jim, this journey is not going to be an easy one, but at the same time it is going to be one in which she learns the greatest lessons of her life. One of the first things he wishes from her is to work on her grammar, punctuation, spelling, verbal, and written skills. Aside from that, she is now going back to the form of 3rd person speech, detaching herself from the sole posession of "i", "me", "my", "mine". It can be somewhat easy to do so through an online medium, it is a killer to do so when talking face to face. Tried to do so with a friend in PM found herself really messing that up, but it is a beginning. Even in this entry alone, she is desparately trying to prevent herself from doing the infamous "......" in which she connects her thoughts in a stream of counsiousness. Only question she has is now that she is taking a more structural approach to her diary entries, will it be accurate and reflective of her true self, her true desires, her true thoughts? Or is this an escape to detach herself from the situation. Telling a tale through the eyes of just "a girl" however that girl happens to be her. Then again, maybe that is exactly what this diary needs, a structural disciplined approach to handling thoughts and situations which she has yet to understand.

Things have been well on the home front. Work is good, although did mess up today, thankfully the mistake was found. Just seems this one somehow processed a check twice, but did so using two different account numbers, but was only one check. Thank goodness a girl is quick and good at her research something like that would have never been found. But all went well, mistake was found, corrected and no big deal. They werent even angry at her or on top of her. Now if she was in the other branch, which unfortunately she has to go back there next week. Really doesnt want to go back, next week is going to be a nightmare. Have never truly been in a position of working at something that this one despises, but that is how she feels going back. It feels as though returning to that place a black cloud will go over her life. On the bright side at least she does get to see the "corner guy", misses him. Did get to talk to him the other night, He actually called her up, that was nice. Needed a friend to talk to. Just wish, she didnt have to go back to the other branch.

Well back to Jim, he is doing so much for her. Giving another chance, another precious chance to make it right, But all the trust is lost. How can any type of releationship exist without trust? Didnt want to argue with him, or back talk, but maybe this one is wrong, is holding out, or keeping things from a Dom the same thing as lying? She never thought herself as a lyer, and never did lie to him. That was why on a few occasions she was punished, because she did tell him the truth of her actions which went against him. Lying would have been not telling him. Then again that is the point. This one just said it, "Lying would have been NOT telling him", she didnt tell him a lot of stuff, therefore she was lying to him. *sighs* Now this one feels terrible, she did lie to him, didnt even realize she did. No wonder he doesnt trust her. Thats one thing a girl has to work on, the trust, but that is going to take a lot of time.

The one thing she has to admit she is looking forward to is to see him again. Which that alone brings up a slight confusion. She knows the next time she meets Jim he will probably beat the hell out of her, she knows, shouldn't assume, but probably thinking he is going to severely punish her, but should she be scared? Really dont know. She is in a way, and probably should fear him. She displeased him so much, and he is angry at her, and is going to pay for her transgressions, but the fact that she is finally going to see him after all this time, finally going to be with him, see him, touch him, feel him, taste him, that outweighs by far her fear of him. That doesnt mean she is not scared of him. She is terrorfied of him, but she misses him completely. Really misses him. God, cant wait till this weekend, just hopes we can actually see each other. Needs to, badly.

Well it is getting late, she does have a long day tommorrow. Things are doing well, and for her it is going to be a journy to get back what she lost. To gain the trust of her Dom, to redeem herself in his eyes, to make right all she did wrong, and to help herself get on a path of sanity, peace, health and happiness. It will all take time, time is what she has a lot of for now, but has to enjoy ever moment of it, Has to learn not to dwell in the pain, and depression, and focus on the good things in her life, moving on and learning.

Nov 16 Thurs

Last night left a message on Jim's machine, she will admit that was kind of hard, in fact actualy made two messages. The first one she was a studdering, nervous wreck, was as if the words wouldnt come out of her mouth. All she had to say was what her schedule was going to be for the weekend, unfortunately is working sat, but an early day, as well as monday. She is off sunday, but had trouble even telling him that. Was attempting to try to talk 3rd person to him. To try to begin to work on the various assigments he gave her. Its not easy. But that is the beauty of it. The fact he is not making it easy for her. SHe can honestly admit if after all the wrong doings she has done if he made it easy for her, she would have lost respect for him. That she has Not and will not. He might have felt he lost the trust of her, but for a girl to lose the respect of a Dom that could be the worst, but that is NOT what she lost from him. Which is a good thing.

The bright side is she does get to see him this weekend. Has a list of things to do, seems like she is going to be his slut and slave on sunday. She will admit while it is terrorfying it is exciting, because she is left exactly where she almost hates to be, ignorance. There is a saying that "ignorance is unbecomming", well that might be the beauty of what is expected on sunday because truth is she doesnt know what is going to happen. Where he wishes to take her physically, mentally, emotionally, what he wishes to do with her, and most of all what she is going to be doing as well. It is a scary thought.

Nov 17 Fri

Knows she abruptly ended that message, but was too busy talking to Jim last night, as well as truly reflecting upon various issues. Jim is upping the control majorly. Out of all the assigments he gave me, one of them she fears. He wishes all her passwords, accounts, titles, names from every single chat venue she is in. There is a few things she is worried about. First off, he doesnt trust her, and when he finds out that she has 47 names running around, think that trust level may get even lower then it already is. Not going to make excuses, but she doesnt use them. She has gone through many profiles the past few years, and never erased her names. She always kept them, a few she did erase or they just vanished due to non-use, But when he sees that list and some of those names. How can a girl ever gain his trust back? Will he trust her to believe she is honest when she says she only at this moment uses 3 names. One name for each chat venue. She digs her own hole. But will he take into account the ammount of trust she is handing over to him when she gives him this. Giving EVERYTHING, with her passwords he can easily destroy her life if he wished to. Has access to her email, her website, her clubs, her friends list, at a mere whim he can easily go CLICK and wipe and erase everything. Is he going to do that, of course not, she trusts him, knows he wouldnt, but that doesnt mean he cant. This is a tough time at this moment. At various times feel he is almost taken his complete anger out on me. But it is true, he is. He upped the level of our training, this is what she wanted, wanted to do so, only question she has is, Is this what he wished? She knows, always asking too many questions. Should just remind herself the fav gorean quote, "do not ask how to live, proceed to do so". Speaking of Gor, is that the future of our relationship. Gorean? guess a girl truly cant leave, even if she wants to, or is that, doesnt want to?

So on Sunday tells the story. Is terrorfied going to his house, but at the same time is absolutely relieved. Missed him so damn much, and the aching feeling within, just wanting to be his. Its overwhelming her. He gave her a few list of things he wants from her. Wants her to meet at a certain time, dress like a slut, wear her famous rope undies, bring her bag of toys. *shudders* This is scary. Dont want to fear him, should fear him, is fearing him. But that is most certainly not a way a girl should feel about her Dom. Or is it? Wonders what difference does it make her feelings at times, he doesnt trust her. DAMNIT, that is going to bother her completely. How the fuck can anyone regain trust. That just pierced a hole through her heart. Here she is trying so desparately hard, but she is even failing in all ways. Every time she talks to him, tries to get it back to the way it was, but has to realize things are not nor will ever be the way it was. She is now a slave, his slave, just hasnt learned it yet. Just wants to make him happy. She is scared. Doesnt want to lose him.

Well lets see, might as well talk about work. Work was very tough today. Screwed up completely. Dont know why, dont even care, but monday back at the other branch which is not making a girl happy. Really doesnt want to go back, doesnt want to face them, but too bad, has to. Just hope will be able to work on monday. After a full day with Jim on Sunday have no idea what kind of condition will be in on Monday. Just hope he is gentle to her. So Monday back to work. At least she does get two days off this week woo hoo. Gets Thursday for Thanksgiving, and Sat off, that is going to be a nice evening, just too bad has to work Friday. Well will say hello to the corner guy. That should be nice.

other then that absolutely nothing is happening in her life. Is a little overwhelmed by bills, her fault. And is just very static, needs to get out or do something with her life, but is bored. Who knows. But for now, think it is time for beddie-bye, she is exhausted.

Sat Nov 18

To think a girl wrote the last entry, and just when she was going to log off Jim popped on. At first she will admit she thought he was upset with her. He was saying how frustrated he is, she thought she did something wrong to hurt him. But when he said how it was because of the thought of her comming over to him on Sunday a huge smile formed on her face and at the same time she trembled with absolute fear, or was it desire? See that is where she is confused. She was shaking like anything, that she just needed to call him up and is so glad he granted her permission to call him last night, but talking to him, she was shaking completely. Is she scared, Yes very scared. But at the same time aching so badly for his touch it is not even funny. Was it desire which causes her trembles or is it fear. This usually happens to her a lot, especially during some intense scenes. She trembles. Has to learn what those trembles are.

One thing that did shock her last night is when he finally accepted himself as her "Master", maybe she is saying that wrong, but for the first time he called himself her Master and allowed her to call him as such. *smiles* That one word, you have no idea the impact it has on that one word. To finally call him Master, and mean it. Although will admit her throat tightened up completely and almost sounded like a high pitched squeak or something like she always does. It was the first time she was ever able to call him as such. With that thought in mind and her day with him tommorrow, it is too exciting for her. She was in a giddy, happy mood today, even though she is exhausted right now, and knows very soon going to take a nap and turn in for a bit, the warm thoughts of him are keeping her going. He is her Master. *smiles* She is speechless, but tommorrow will feel it full force. She will be his, completely and totally, for any way he wishes to use her.

...(later on) As she looks to the time, is really feeling it now, the excitement, the anticipation, the aching need she has for her Master. *blushes* That is jupping the gun she knows it but thinking about it, reflecting upon it. The words run through her mind when he said to her"No questions. Just accept." Thats right don't ask the reasons as to why she calls him Master or why he accepted her as such, Just accept it. She will admit she is in shock though. *SIGHS* arggg is aching his touch, aching to rip her clothes off being at his feet, and servicing him in every way. Has to calm down melanie, she will get her chance tommorrow, and the torment will add to the sweetness of it. So tommorrow, is going to be going to his house, dressed as a "slut", can she be a modest slut? Not too sure, but her will be wearing a leather black skirt, button blouse, no bra but an old tee-shirt beneith, have no idea what the tee is for although for some reasons has a few strange guesses, She also has to fashion herself a pair of rope undies to provide torment upon the train ride there, and upon reaching his place, kneel down before him kissing his feet, in which then he places a collar on her, and from there she leaves it in his hands.

All thoughts are running through her mind right now. What is he going to do to her. He of course will do as he wishes with her, and she just hopes that in each thing she will not only be pleasing, but she herself will be able to handle it. She thinks or rather knows he is going to shave her, that right their scares her, knowing that even the intimate act in which she does for him, or rather used to do for him, is not even hers anymore. Is going to be his now. To remain opened, vunerable to him as he carefully grooms his girl, she feels so owned, and hasnt even done this yet. Its an odd feeling, but wonderful, so different. The old tee-shirt, what is the reason for that, will he rip it off her in a play rape type of a scene, or is this the moment he bathes her body in a watersport scene, knowing that she will have a rememberance of doing so when she has to bring the shirt home. Argg she knows her mind is all over the place. Even thought of a sick, really sick mind-fucking technique that a Mistress might make use of for her slave boy. Please note she said Mistress in this case because from her experience at least, Mistresses are very cruel especially pro-dommes who like to get into the heads of their clientes, this mind-fucking act just popped into her head last night, and just thinking of it makes her sick. Actually dont even know why she is bringing it up, think it is probably better left unsaid. Anyway to continue one, she has no idea what he is going to do, but leaves it up to his hands. The biggest thing that she fears is, will he give her over to another. At the same time that thought just sends her flying, but a fantasy she always had was being totally blindfolded and being used by two men Her Master and a stranger, and to try to guess which is her Master, and which is the other one. Just the point of being at their mercy. Scary thought. Would he give her over to another. See she had an online fight about this one time, and is confused if it may ever happen again. Her Master gave her over to another to watch how she would be with another one, She did so well, and pleased so well, that he became jeolous and punished her because she was more pleasing, responsive, reactive to the other third party, then she ever was with him. He wanted to know Why, as well as in a jeolous rage of her actions, punished her. What if that happened on a real life level as well. What if she was given over to a friend, and preformed so good for the other one, that she is to be punished because she cant give herself over as well as she did to the other. Thats the thing though, has no feelings for the other, only has true feelings for the one whom she belongs to. The other would be nothing more then a preformance, an act, a slave servicing another for her Master. *shakes head* Why on earth is a girl even worrying about this?

See she is definatly in one of those moods tonight, was talking in IRC had to leave right away, not that she was being slutty or anything like that or umm "inviting" it is just she was trying to have an intelligent conversation, but her manner, her hyperness, the way she just went on and on and on, they just got horny and turned on? ACKK does having a girl debate make guys horny? If that is the case wonders if when men read this diary they jack off completely? Well left the IRC realm, no one wanted to talk, too bad needs is in a talky talk mood tonight. Calm self melanie, is way too hyper. Just cant wait to see Jim tomorrow. Needs to see her Master, *smiles*, geeze is getting lost in it already.

Tues Nov 21 2000

If there is any pivotal day in a girl’s life she would most certainly have to say Sunday was the day. So much happened on that one day, she is at a lost of where to begin. She went over to Jim’s house with full knowledge that she was in his bad graces. Plus, knowing that there was so much for her planned.

To start from the beginning of this long day. She had a scheduled time to be there at 2pm, only problem was the train didn’t come at that time. So figured should take the earlier train to arrive at 12:30. Problem was the train came early arrived at 12, wondering what to do for 2 hours, figured to take the subway to his place then can go shopping or what not around the neighborhood, but there was no subway. Due to construction they closed the needed train this girl needed to get there. This one was panicking, Has no idea where to go, how to get her way around, and she kept missing the subway she was supposed to take because of all the signs and misinformation. Luckily someone helped a girl out through the mess and was able to get to his place with no problem. However what should have only taken 20 mins to get to his place, actually took 1 hour and 30 min. Good thing she was able to arrive on time, even called him up a little earlier to see if she might be allowed up, he didn’t, it wasn’t a problem though, she stopped and got some nice hot chocolate and doughnuts to warm her cold frigid body up because brrrr it was FREEZING and the way she was dressed really didn’t help. Speaking of the way she was dressed, she wore her black leather skirt, no undies except for the rope pair that she made for herself. And that she has to give herself credit for. She was able to go to the bathroom 4 times without it coming undone because of the simplistic yet ingenious not she put into the front which allowed her to push it together to widen the band and pull it down her legs like regular undies and then pull it together to tighten it up back into place. Underneath she did wear an old tee-shirt, no bra, and that was it. Arriving to his place, the fear in her heart when she was going up to his place. She had to calm herself down a bit in the elevator. Walking to his place down the hallway, seemed almost too long, ever clicking of her heel echoing, then stopping at his door, knocking ever so softly, was wondering if she should have just fell to her knees at that moment. She didn’t. Had too much stuff in her hands anyway, but as soon as she put it all down somewhere, she fell to her knees kissing each one of his feet. She wasn’t allowed to get up through, had to remain on the floor. Taking deep breaths as the fear was evident, he roughly begin to examine her, lifting up her skirt to see the rope undies. He actually began to massage her as well, that soothed her, she was terrified, he probably knew it, but to feel his touch, his gentle caresses, it calmed her somewhat even though she was shaking out of fear. Looming over her, straddling against her, pacing around her as she remained motionless on the floor, laying on her belly in fear, it was then he pulled out his knife, cutting her blouse off, listening to the sounds of the fabric shredding, knowing that he could cut her too if he wished, and feeling the serrated blade brush against her skin. He dug just enough pressure to feel the cut, but not breaking the skin, scratching it across all over her body. Upon arising, he began to take off her blouse, and undress her. She failed by moving, three-times he had to tell her "Don’t move" but she kept moving. He put his chain collar around her neck. that was so wonderful. For the first time he collared her, and she was his. It was an acceptance that he was her Master, and she was his. And to call him his rightful name. For he is her Master, that was just a wonderful feeling. It freed so many binds, denials, pushing aside thoughts within her mind. However due to the circumstances it opened her up even more. Because it was at this moment he began to lecture her. She was kneeled before him, her head in his lap, and she is ever so grateful he was soothing her, running his fingers through her hair softly, massaging her shoulders, calming her down as he lectured her. That lecture brought her to tears. She hurt him so much, her insolence, her wanting a release, her lying, cheating, backtalking, disobedience, disrespect, self-centering, all that stuff and so much she did to hurt him. He was ready to kick her out of the door that moment, all she could do though was cry in his lap. The tears flew down, for she hurt him so much, and almost lost him. The last thing she wanted was to be released, she never wanted to lose him. Ironically great timing came about because just when he finished his lecture, and began telling her about his friend, the friend which for diary purposes will simple call Sir "S". As soon as she heard the buzzard ring her throat tightened, was this actually going to be happening to her. She is going to be handed over to his friend? Looking down on herself, she was half naked, her shirt ragged, and half off her body from the rips he did, she was wearing this chain collar around her thought, and the only thing her Master strongly made a point to ensure that this one show the proper respect, obedience to his "friend". Well the moment of truth came when the knock on the door came about. With her opening it up as he entered. Insolently looked upon his eyes a few times, had to, although didn’t dare look into her eyes of her Master, she knew she was on his shit list for the night, but noting that brief moment of shock, surprise or some type of reaction seeing a half naked girl opening up the door, she noticed it, but as the slave she is, he quickly mentally cast her aside a bit, focusing on his friend, James. She greeted him by kissing his boots, which the strong scent of that rubber/leather screamed from them. She took his coat, and offered him something if he wished. Simple glass of water was all he asked for. Which she served him, but not with the same intensity she would serve her Master. She never kissed the glass, her thighs were sealed, but she was being obedient, and to stress it she was terrorfied.

Master ordered her to remain in the corner, she did so, tried to do so, it felt awkward, two doms both together in the same room with a girl half naked and didn’t even focus on her at all for a moment. They were talking about how it has been too long they were together, blah blah blah, simple chat, until the conversation turned to her. The way they both looked at this on, words cant describe it, it felt wonderful they both had this look on their face that said they were ready, ready to make use of the slut before them. It was a positive feeling she felt, but cant say it enough she was terrified. Sir S ordered her to lay out the various items in his bag. When she opened it and seeing the toys he had, she was in shock. Drawing each one out she was examining it, looking at it, admiring, and fearing each item, at least until he made a point of telling her not to "examine" them just lay them out. He had rope, vibrator, a bit which scared the hell out of me, anal beads, mini-rubber flogger, riding crop, markers, condoms, cds, a book, the real test here is trying to remember each item she actually laid out believes she mentioned everything, but laying it out she did it almost too perfect, even spaced across the floor. Sir S asked if there was anything that caught her eye. The vibrator, shocked her, the bit, scared her, the riding crop interested her, but safely she went with her personal fav, the rope, Cant deny she is a rope freak especially since it had mountaineer safety rings attached. She probably would have been more interested in the anal beads as well, although at that moment it was something she didn’t want to go there. They were in a little tupperware container and the way she felt, should stay there. But now she thinks about it, would like to explore that sometime, but note to self definitely not the ones the size of tennis balls *giggles*. Ok, unfortunately know this story is getting good, but a girl is also getting exhausted so for now is leaving it here, plus has so much to write about this might take a few days to enter. Then again maybe the next time she writes wont sound so much like stereo instructions and can truly reflect the inner feelings.

Wed Nov 22, 2000

Trying to get back to what happened on Sunday. Knows in the last post even in the few things a girl mentioned she left out a great deal. One thing she would like to make mentioned of is a little thing that happened, focuses on how the littlest of play can be dangerous and brings one back into reality. When she was standing up and Master was removing her top, she had the chain collared around her neck and he kept saying her to her "Don’t Move" but she admits she likes it when he uses a form of asphyxiation with her. Not choking her to death, but just loves that power he can have over her, putting pressure upon her breathing. She had her neck arched back and he wrapped his arm around her neck in almost a sleeper hold, probably would have been a wonderful sensation but too much pressure and all of a sudden a girl just started coughing. Felt like she failed him on that, quickly apologized, probably had nothing to be sorry for at that moment, but she wanted so badly to feel it, but her body betrayed her wants, and well she gagged. She was testing that moment out, and its interesting the way, when you lift your neck straight up it exposes everything where even the slightest touches can be very vulnerable to injury. To tease it going up and down feeling every pulsating beat and muscles within, well when he did it, she gagged.

So his friend came over, she was terrified, kneeled in the corner, and laid out the various items he had in his little toy bag. Music was placed in the cd player, a mixture of exotic asian/indian blend, she really liked it. Forgot to ask or look at the name of the cd, but the music was very soothing. He ordered her to read a specific passage in his book. The book was various stories of travel and pleasure she believes, not really too sure, was very nervous. He asked her about her reading skills. Its been years since anyone ever asked her about that. And it most certainly has been years since she read aloud. Felt very awkward. She likes to thinks that she doesn’t have a speech or reading impediment, but being in that situation, her throat was very tensed had to clear it a few times to read it. The story was, actually really doesn’t remember the point of the story. Something about a girl in calcutta with 3 of her brothers, and she ends up taking opium and finds herself in a crematorium. That really doesn’t even make sense now that she is thinking about it, but that’s what she remembers of it. After the story a basin with warm water was brought out. OMG her heart almost was swallowed completely, she was expected to bathe his feet? She will admit secretly that has always been a desire to bathe feet in the ancient egyptian slave form. Washing away the dirt and debris and anointing with oil. She does want to kill herself for forgetting that in her bag she had exotic indian oils. DAMNIT. Even Master told her to bring them a whole blend of various spices and scents with a flair of india in each one. They would have been perfect at this moment and the whole time in her bag. Note to self, maybe when she goes next time to remember the "toys" that she brings should lay them out as well so she doesn’t forget to not use them. So she was bathing his feet very gently. She will admit she is gentle type of person, her massages are the barest of touches, her finger tips glide across the skin in a delightful sensation. He complained that she was too gentle. At least Master did interject at that point saying that is one of a girl’s finer points that she does give good massages at the right speed, pressure, ect, rather then fast rough and the type that makes one want to just cringe. She tried to apply more pressure and slowly bathed his feet in the warm water. It was when he asked her to "worship" his feet that struck a chord. She has a repulsion against feet and he expected her to worship his feet. She has never done that with anyone. Not even Jim. She may have kissed or licked the top of his feet, even got passed her fear by massaging his feet, but never has she ever licked His feet, or worshipped them in that fashion. But here his friend wished her to do that to Him. He wanted her soft lips against his feet, suckling upon his toes. Closing her eyes and pushing aside her self doubts, she leaned forward slowly running her lips against his foot. They were cold, really cold and felt bad. In gorean RPG terms that is one thing a Master usually asked from slave girls is to warm their feet up. Never until now has she truly felt that real life. Online she would have just enclosed her thighs around the foot warming it with her warm center. Real life, umm couldn’t do that. She did press her warm cheek against him, he wanted her to suckle more. She was getting rather frustrated, because she really was against it, but found herself enjoying it as well. She started getting into it, suckling each toe, running her tongue between the cracks, imagining his pleasure to have her warm sweet lips enshrouded upon each toe. It must have been so pleasurable for him, he even said he can feel it for hours. If a girl did that for hours, would be in tears, because not only did she feel she was failing him, she felt like she was doing it wrong. During the toe sucking as she had her cheek on his foot, he asked her how she felt. The first thing that came to her mind which she even begged his mercy for was the fact she had to really fucking pee. *giggles* Even before she got to Jim’s place had to really pee. But upon arriving went straight into it, and then the lecture, and what happened, she truly forgot she had to go to the bathroom, so it was that point she asked Sir S if she may use the bathroom. He allowed her right away. Wonders if she was wrong, but also asked Master as well if she might be excused. Even though her focus was on the attention of one Dom, she can’t forget that he was still in the room. She got up raced to the bathroom, pulling down her rope undies and pulling off the tattered tee-shirt she was able to finally pee. Relief at last. The only thing is which she just wanted to push out of her mind was looking in the mirror. She couldnt do it. Raising her eyes up when she washed her hands, she has to admit she admired the collar, ran her fingers against each and every link clutching onto the lock giving it a pull knowing that she was at the mercy of her Master. But the image of the girl in the mirror. To her was nothing but an ugly pathetic girl. Her hair was ragged from the sweat and heat of being on the floor, she looked a disgrace, but shook her self-doubts off and returned outside, once again kneeling before Sir S, this time fully topless, and continued to lick his feet.

This went on for a while until he asked me to do something which she has never done. The fear at this moment and her insolence was completely evident. He settled on the couch as Jim remained by his computer flashing away pics of a girl, yes Master documented almost everything with his digital camera. But it was at this point he ordered a girl to lie down and masturbate herself in front of them. He wanted her to use his vibrator, the classic large white dildo vibrator to bring herself to pleasure. She was in shock. Couldn’t believe he was asking this of her. Insolently she didn’t even do it quickly which can prove she is not a doormat. But asked him if he would at least help her. She was scared. Holding the vibe with her legs wide opened she was propped up in a sitting position, they are both watching her. And all she could do was stare at the vibrator for a min not believing what was asked. Then starting to complain when she turned the vibe on how noisy it was. Overcoming all that she finally laid down her thighs wide opened vulnerable to their gaze. Staring up at the ceiling focusing on the brightness of the light, she closed her eyes took a deep calming breath and slowly ran her hands down her body, she wanted to just stop and cry at that moment, but slowly began to touch herself. Running her fingers against her lips, she began to stroke her clit, gathering up the wetness from her to use as lubrication, it was a rough start, couldnt really feel anything at first, Thankfully after a few moments she began to feel Sir S brushing against her feet, making that initial contact with her she felt him slowly tease her with the flogger strands brushing against her body, she let him take control, trying to focus on the sensations he was giving her.

~takes a deep breath~ not only is this scene making her horney, she will admit she is exhausted. Well that is nothing new, work has been driving her crazy. It has been really really busy. She cant handle it, they are giving her a hard time, customers are cursing her out, and well being she has a few left overs from Sunday plaguing her *giggles* actually that could be a bright thing, but its hard for her right now at work. They are giving her the third degree and treating her like garbage, thankfully it is only one more day. Friday then she is Out of there for good. Woo hoo. Eventually this one will finish her story of Sunday even if it takes the whole week to do so, plus she can catch up with things that have been happening since then. For now though it is time for her to go to sleep. Is exhausted completely and drained, in fact she believes writing all this drains her even more. But now she turns herself in and hopes ~crosses her fingers~ that this entry has met with Masters approval, still working on her spelling, grammar, punctuation, ect. Not easy, never realized she was that bad with her proper english.

Thurseday nov 23 (Thanksgiving)

Today is that special day we all should take time and be thankful of all the wonderful things within ones life. She has a great many things to be thankful for. It is ashamed, that it takes a day to remind one about how special a persons life can be. Received a picture today of a little baby within the large hands, a quote beneath by Albert Einstein which read "There are two ways to lead your life. One as though as nothing is a miracle. The other as though everything is a miracle" This one has yet to decide which way she leads her life, not an easy question for her. But it is holidays such as Thanksgiving, and certainly christmas, that brings out the best, and yet the most depressing portions. Can make a girl cry at times, but at the same time reflect upon what a beautiful day it is.

well today she is going to go out, have a nice turkey brunch at a restaurant and maybe go out to the movies with the family or something. Misses home cooked dinner at around 8pm, now it is nothing more then restaurant brunches at 2pm. Every holiday is like that nowadays. No one wants to cook, and well there really isn’t any "family" structure in our family. Always just aunt, mother, grandmother and this one. Actually rephrases that because every holiday there is always some type of fight in which aunt ends up destroying the holiday and she doesn’t spend it with us. This year is no surprise, but at least she is doing something for a good cause. She is at a homeless shelter which she is now going to be doing every year. So its just the three of us this thanksgiving. Makes a girl wonder what Master is doing for thanksgiving. What he does any holiday?

speaking of which, think a girl should work on finally trying to finish what happened on Sunday. In a good way it is helping her to reflect upon each thing that happened, makes her understand her feelings, thoughts, reactions, as well as answers things within her mind.

Ok so she was asked to pleasure herself before them. She couldn’t do it right away, had to focus on the vibrator a moment, twirling it within her fingers turning it on a few times having it buzz. She didn’t want to do it, but she most certainly wanted to do it. Here she was at that moment between two men, she was on display for them, she was there for their pleasure. She couldn’t fail them. Doing it and not succeeding isnt failure it is just something to learn and work on. Not doing it at all, and being insolent, that would been failing. Most off, it would have insulted her Master in the presence of another. So she lied down, and slowly began to pleasure herself. Running her fingers down her body, softly running against her inner lips, and began to stroke her clit. That is the secret to her pleasure is stroking her clit in a rough circular way. Many get feeling from the actual fucking in and out vaginally, sure it feels good when one feels a man doing that, but with fingers, that action provides actually nothing for her. So she tried the direct root of her pleasure, her clit, but even there she couldn’t bring herself anywhere. Then again Sir S said the secret words. He ordered her not to cum. Simple as that. That is almost like telling a fish not to swim in water. She knows that analogy makes absolutely no sense with the comparison, But telling her not to cum makes it so easy. She cant cum to begin with. Later on Master did tell her not to focus on cumming, to just enjoy the sensations. At that moment just wanted to curl up next to him. Trying so desperately to enjoy it, to feel it, she did love it completely, but it is that one thing which is a block. That last part of herself she is lost about. So here she was playing with herself, until thankfully Sir S took over by teasing her with the flogger, letting the strands brush against her nipples, her body, it felt wonderful. She was then told to sit up in a kneel, bring her hands behind her back. He took a hold of her wrists and tightly sealed them behind her back with his rope. Too bad a girl couldn’t see the knot he imposed, would have loved to see the style he used, or be able to see how he does so, but her focus was on the ground before her, her back to him, she kneeled naked at his whim. He restrained her, and began talking about the "safety mechanism" that he used, must have been the metal rings, not really too sure although she did ask him about a grommet. It wasn’t a grommet, she has still yet to see or truly understand the technique behind that, but it seemed to meet the approval of Jim when he looked at it. He then placed a pillow at a distance before her and told her to kneel. Shock went through her, not the fact that she would be in a very vulnerable position with her buttocks totally exposed, that she had no problem with, it was the fact that she couldn’t just kneel down as such. In a kneel if her hands are completely restrained behind her, leaning forward in such a fashion she would end up hitting the floor VERY hard and breaking her nose or something. Had that problem the last time she was with Master except it was on the bed, she went crashing face first into the bed which did hurt, her hands tied behind in the same fashion. They did help her down, and the pillow made it very comfy. It helped a lot, but the shame went through her. Here she was totally exposed, and opened, bound completely, nude, it was scary, it was then Sir S started to tease her, flog her, touch her, even bite her, not hard of course, But it was hard for her. This is the part where it does become shadey a bit, not too sure what order things happened, because it was a back and forth thing Sir S then Jim. From what she remembers. It was Sir S who flogged her. The thing which it made it different then other times she was flogged was that she learned to relax. Every time Master flogged her in the past, she would clench her muscles up completely making it a hard surface for which the impact would strike. In her ignorant thinking she thought that would be a less painful approach. She learned days later when she couldn’t walk or sit, and was in pain at work, that is not the best method. So she learned to relax. Good thing is, even days after the scene although there was a bruise on her left butt cheek and a few tiny red marks from the whip at the sides of her back, there was no pain whatsoever. At one point he did strike her with the rubber flogger right between her cheeks which caused such intense pain in her ass. It was a different sensation between the leather flogger, rubber, or the riding crop. The rubber one bit and left a lasting after shock pain to it. Like it lingered against her skin, very painful, she really doesn’t like to be flogged, but yet, she does. Gets lost in the moment. Insolently at one point she started laughing and shaking her head. She knows Sir S didn’t see it because she bit it back completely. Although knows Master saw it. It was the fear of knowing that he saw it that scared her even more. Especially the consequences of her laughter. It wasn’t that she was trying to be a SAM or anything like that. But as he beat her, she just thought it was funny. Maybe it was because she was enjoying something so morally wrong. She was really enjoying it. She was at the mercy of a completely stranger and loved every min of it. It was wrong to take pleasure in it. She is just glad that Master reassured her that she wouldn’t be punished for finding pleasure in it.

She did realize she made a mistake though. When she was laying down, Sir S placed her hand against his hardness, and closing her eyes she began to gently run her hands across his pants, even whispering to him that she wanted to touch him. She didn’t at that moment later on he did ask about that. Asked if she wanted to still touch him. She refused. She probably was wrong. Not the fact that she was refusing but her first thought was Jim. If she was allowed to expose Sir S cock, might have been allowed to suck him, then that is the point of no return, and never wants to be in the position ever again to be kneeled before a Man working him up completely and enjoying every sensation of sucking him off, then having to refuse his right, and enjoyment to cum in her mouth all because she is waiting. She knows she’s wrong. There are many firsts she would like to overcome, but this is one first she is waiting for, sharing that intimate experience for Master and only Master. So she regretfully took back her desire to expose Sir S’s manhood. Wanted to kick herself for that later on, maybe it was her desire or not, but she still has that fantasy of being fucked and at the whim of two Doms. Its probably better that didn’t happen. What happened was emotional enough as it is, and is very lasting. What it has been 4 days already and talking like it only happened a few hours ago, but that’s the point. This did have a lasting emotional wonderful effect on her, and doing this in such a way is helping her understand it completely.

She sort of knows she lost a rhythm with what happened, because so much happened as she was tied in that position. Master did tease her with actually she is not even too sure has to ask him, did he use the vibe as a dildo, or his fingers or what? Not really too sure, but was dry teasing her ass. Should have used some form of lubrication. It was tight, it was dry, felt wonderful but painful. She is not too sure how long she was in that position, but it started to have some effects on her. She lost sensation in her shoulder completely, was hard for her to remove it and begged for them to adjusts the binds, at least to bind her hands in front of her over her head rather then behind her. They decided to take it off, which came at a good time. Her shoulder was numb, her hands had deep indentations, which she has a sort of fetish for, she had trouble moving. What she didn’t know and neither did they, especially with the dim light that Jim has in his apartment, but after analyzing the scene this is the only thing she could think of. Being the position she was in, caused her shoulder to dig into her neck, now she had on the chain collar around her neck. Well the digging of the shoulder left a mark against her neck which turned into a perfect 6 inch chain hickey which still to this day is still on her neck. Has been going to work with her hair down and high collars because of this. It is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen. You actually see each and ever link of the chain in her neck, plus above it a nice little bite mark hickey, but it is the chain mark that really left her in awe, The only downside to it was it was her mother who found it. This one had no idea that she had that sort of mark on her neck and when her mother pointed it out and started crying that her daughter would allow another man to do this to her, it just upset this girl. Can’t deny though at the same time she thinks it is an awesome mark against her neck.

~takes a peak at the time~ Eventually a girl will finish this tale, maybe working each day on it is the best thing for her, leaves herself and possibly any readers in anticipation. Truth is turkey gets her really tired, Forgot the name of the hormone or whatever you call it in turkey that causes drowsiness. Note to self melanie, go back to school makes you stupid. Seems cant remember all her medical terminology, who knows maybe that is another thing she blocked out of her vocabulary. Anyway, today was thanksgiving, had a wonderful dinner at a nice restaurant, even got a chance to see the movie "Little Nicky" She laughed her ass off at it, needed the laugh. Overall was a wonderful day, but has to admit she thought too much about Master. Any chance she got wondered how he was doing, what he was doing. Maybe she can give him a call tonight. Not too sure if he is home or not, but never hurts to try. As for her, time to go.

Friday Nov 24,

wow this one is exhausted. Just got home on her last day at the branch. It is almost sad to be leaving, although she really wanted to leave, needed to. Just feels really guilty for leaving, she gave up her key, gave her box, signed out, and left on good terms. Now officially she starts in the other place. It was for the best, easier stress wise, slower branch, closer to the house especially since this winter going to be tough traveling, at least now the bank is only 3 blocks away from her house rather then a 15 min drive. Last day and she is gone.

Other then that things have been rather well. Misses Master a bit, wondered what he did for thanksgiving, wonder how he is doing, also wonders if he is upset about the way this diary has been going. *giggles softly* She knows shouldn’t be laughing. But this diary has been going through a different approach. It is in sentence structured, now it is being written in word first so spelling is being checked. Lastly its the third person. Seems it is becoming more natural for her, even to the point where she is slipping real time. Some of her friends have to get used to it, especially the vanilla friends she talks to online, but she respectfully explains why, and they understand with no problems. Its just kind of funny when they ask "who’s she?"

Knows that this one has to eventually get back to what happened on Sunday, although the way she feels tonight, just rather not finish it at all. That was nothing but one night, one night which made such a lasting impression on her that even after a week has passed still thinking about it. But for now she is going to reflect upon a few things, on what she learned about that evening. This though she is going to do in a list formation rather then sentences. 1)Learned NOT to used permanant magic marker on skin. *giggles* been 5 days and still reads PROPERTY across her back. 2)Learned that this one can overcome anything as long as she focuses, and not give over to self doubts. 3)Learned that she would do absolutely anything within her power for Master. 4)Learned finally that doesn’t matter a label sub or slave, but the important thing is she pushed herself to a limit farther beyond any place she has gone and succeeded. 5)She learned she can handle almost any situation. 6)Accidents, marks, do happen, one has to be careful. 7)The more players in the scene the more complex. This list can probably go on longer, there was so much she learned, a great deal about herself. Most of all she finds herself at peace, free. Free of what not too sure, but usually a few days after a scene with Jim she finds herself crashing to the point where she feels absolutely worthless. This didn’t happen this time. There were times where it came close. But she feels great and has been feeling great. Just would like to talk to Master a little bit, get some of his feed back. Eventually she will. ~thinks for a moment~ would also like to talk to Sir S, but that might be overstepping her bounds, wants to know his thoughts about a few things as well. But possibly that is something better left to be ignorant upon. As they say "curiosity is unbecoming"

Sunday Nov 26

Yesturday was a long day for her. A day of great happiness and a day of great sadness. She celebrated thanksgiving dinner with her father and grandfather. Hasn’t seen her grandfather in years, believes since her graduation party a few years ago, and her father, well hasn’t really been with him in a while. First off, she has made a vow never to see them again. IT was a nightmare. The saddest thing is to see her father. He looks terrible. Lost about 50lbs or so, he is a tall man, and to see him withering down to nothing. Then there was no reaction from him at all. Absolutely nothing. Even at one point when her mother went out with her grandfather and she was left alone with her father. Turned out to be a staring contest. He did absolutely nothing. She couldn’t even look at him. Seems like the next time she sees either one of them will be in a coffin. In fact it is something she doesn’t even wish to talk about. A day in which she shared the goodness of family, thankfulness, ect, yet it is a depressing day to her. She failed both of them.

Well aside from that things have been good. She still hasn’t finished Sunday’s festivities although think she truly needs to talk a few things over with Master. She must seem like stalking him leaving messages on his machine everyday. Plus gives her practice on her third person speech. She may becoming a little obsessed at times with the whole thing. Not only about Sunday but about everything. She has nothing else in her life. It seems all it is, work, and Jim. *smiles* two very important things in her life, but has to be more. Has to find something to do. Ok, she seems to be in one of the "shes not good enough phases" has to snap out of that. She is a wonderful person, capable of many things, and learning to overcome a great many things. What happened last week she will never forget, and this can be the start of something wonderful. For now she can probably go anywhere, do anything, and would do so for Him.

God, she has to get not only him out of her mind, has to get the thought of yesterday out of her mind. How heartless she is, the next time she may see her father, her grandfather, might be her last. Yet what has she done for them. Cant even look at them. Cant even hug them. Hugging them, kissing them has become a chore to her. Used to be so proud of her father. He overcame so much in his life, especially going from a cross addicted alcoholic to a sober, clean, depressive bastard who became addicted to prozac, lithium and every other antidepressants out there. Is that what she lacked in her life, the male dominating force. Now she has it in her life. Craving that total control in her life. Yet, she has to be careful, All it was, one day. It was only Sunday. That was it. She has a lot of work to get back in his good graces. He may still get rid of her. Toss her aside. It is after all his choice. *shakes her head* She has to stop this shit. Notice it is usually the weekends she gets into these crappy moods. Has to break this cycle.

well its probably best she doesn’t talk at this moment. Maybe a little later she will be in better spirits, who knows.

Tues Nov 28

Today was her day off. Finally could use one during the week but most of her day was doing nothing unfortunately. She woke up rather very depressed, not going to blame it on anything but she was really confused and lost about the phone conversation she had the previous night with Master. She feared that it was going to be the last phone call. He has been so angry with her, and she is desperately trying to redeem herself in his eyes. Funny thing is she has never felt so owned in her life. Everything she does she has been focusing on him. In fact seems to be focusing on him so much is forgetting to mention things even in this diary.

So Sat she had a thanksgiving dinner with her grandfather and father. Sunday, spent the day shopping a little bit, well actually just watching everyone else shop. And Monday she went back to work. That was a little difficult since for some reason she got really dizzy at work, even blacked out for a few mins. They were concerned for her, she just needed to lie down a bit, and have some sugar. That’s all she needed. Luckily her shift was close to being over. They even wanted to send her home early, she refused, but as soon as she got home, she shoved food in her mouth like she never ate before. Think she has to watch her diet a bit. At times she gets low sugar and ends up crashing, that is exactly what happened in this case. But she was all right, although that night had some trouble. Master was very displeased with her. It is almost a little sad. It shouldn’t be that he has to be mad at her each and ever time, does she fail him that much? At least speaking to him today he seemed in a very pleasant mood. He even said how pleased he is with this one and called her "my slave" *smiles* that just send a warm feeling in her heart. She really needed that comfort. Needed his words. She hasn’t been doing too good, but to hear his words was so much of a comfort to her.

Before talking to him on Monday, spent a few hours talking to a good friend of her. A slave who just listened to everything she had to say. And offered so much advice to her. She misses the people she can talk to like this, she helped this one through everything. Heard everything she had to say about what is going on, and she is so glad for her sister. Could give her a million huggles at this moment. It is going to be a trying time for her. She knows she will get through it, believes she will, she has to. This is too important to her not too get through it.

She knows she really hasn’t been focusing on this diary as much as she should. She has been thinking things over too much that it is getting her confused. She actually wrote 3 letters, and each time erased them, not finding the words to say to Master. She tried to write a response to her friends post at the castle, She couldn’t even do that. It is like at this moment she can’t find the words to describe how she truly feels. There is so much she wants to say. Even that post truly did bothered her. She feels betrayed, oh well, there is not much she can say. On this note she just chooses to stay quiet and silent. Learning the art that silence is truly golden. Her focus is on making it better with Master. That is on her mind now.

Wed Nov 29

Today was a rather interesting day. Seems it is a circus act at the bank. *giggles* First off the drive up was broken and needed to be fixed, had service men come down, but they barely spoke english. One guy had his pants all the way down so that all you saw was his ass crack, the other guy just kept cursing up a storm. *shakes head* Took them 4 hours to fix the drive through they had to tear the ceiling apart, as well as watching them mumbling back and forth and yelling at each other was just a riot. Other then that, as a fellow employee likes to call her, stunad, *giggles* seems this one really messed up, but wasn’t her fault, was a combination of errors which just turned out into a big huge mess. One of the personal bankers sold this one cash, She bought it and bought it for $720. That is how much physically was given to her, what this one didn’t realize was the ticket was made out for $820 not $720. The pb sold the cash for $820, but only gave her $720, this one bought cash for $720, Which means the head teller’s compares should have been off. She didn’t realize it was. Now this one went to the other branch for a week, and was not informed about the error. The one who sold the cash to her was on vacation. Turns out the one who sold the cash had $100 left in her envelope by accident, which means NO this one did NOT steal it.giggles. Aside from that this one fucked up by charging a customer $100 for a money order rather then $1. Umm too many zero’s? Strange story, but seems in this case EVERYONE made a mistake, not just her. Head teller should have realized the money was off, This one should have realized that the ticket said $820 even though she was only given $720, and the pb should have realized she forgot to give this one the $100. The sick part is that evening did have the head teller count out her draw and verify all amounts being this one went off to another branch for a week. But still stupidity *smacks self* At least it was found, recovered and all is well.

She was glad she was able to talk to Master for a little bit. Brings a smile to her face, unfortunately her computer was really acting up, booted her out so many times, she even had to reboot. Was terrible. Things seem to really be going on the right track with Master though. *smiles* He called her "my slave" that has such a wonderful feeling to it. It seems now the relationship is truly into new territory. Have no idea where it will lead or where it can go, but a girl is learning. Master did tell her that slavery is a slow process, she agrees, it just seems that after last week things have changed so fast, everything is different.

Overall she is in a pleasant mood, but now she has to start focusing and learning how to make her thoughts more concise. She knows last posts was really messed up. She was confused, hurt, upset, lost, didn’t really know what to say. Master wants her to start focusing on making her paragraphs to the point, concise rather then ramblings. She does believe now that the entries are in sentence form as well as the spelling has been checked that this has been an easier read. Makes it more like a book rather then just jumbled up words. Hopefully this is better. The only thing is she now finds it extra work and difficult at times. Not that she is complaining, but there are times where she really doesn’t want to write.

She also realized she never truly did finish about two Sundays ago. Maybe it is best she doesn’t, why put an ending on a wonderful day? Although she does have to say something that is almost poetically ironic. She still has the words PROPERTY on her back even after 2 weeks. Mushashi Sir, all she has to say is the concept is a great humiliating idea, .o0(see note)*giggles* Its too funny. It will eventually come off, she was able to scrub everything else off although took a lot of showers, a lot of scrubbing, but very barely you can still read it in bright blocked blue letters. "PROPERTY" That even lasted longer then the chain hickey around her throat. Its very funny though, this one has to laugh about it.

Note, although today is Dec 2, she does have to add a specific part to this diary entry. She made a reference to Musashi about using permanant magic markers on her back. The reality of it, was permanant magic marker was not used, it was instead ""Tattoo Markers" and are not supposed to be permanent or toxic. Most of the label is in German however, the English portions state "The cosmetic ink will last for up to five days, depending on skin type and frequency of washing". Just a note to say she made a mistake.

On to December

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