Thanks to Sam Smith for his help with this page.

These two Texans were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin a bad time. I'm gonna over there an he'p her out."

He ran over to the young lady and asked,"Can yew breathe?"

Gasping, she shook her head no. With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young lady was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said," Y'know, it shore is amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was due to the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he woke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smells would make her eyes water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He always reply that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural function and then would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, one day he was going to "fart his guts out."

Years went by and the wife continued to suffer as the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out."

That is until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare for the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly crept upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still sound asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then place all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud discharges. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About 20 minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked the wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened!

"But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in!"

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. The husband took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

Three faggots died and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes across the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was an avid fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was the greatest lover who ever lived, and I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili so he can tear my ass up just one more time!"