8/8/99- A Long-Needed Update

An attempt to fill in the blank...

* Finals week: I basically spent that avoiding my home, because the bimbos kept plugging up the toilet. I finally had to go home the last night I was there to pack up, and one of them came over and tried to blame the third plug this week on me- "I haven't been home." Anyway, so happy to be out of there. My grades came out much better than expected, A in design, a B in 46C, and B-'s in the hard classes. Yay!

My parents finally met Remington in some detail, and he came off very well, helped me pack, Mom adored him then because he let her sit in the truck and hauled stuff back and forth with me. Then we went to Osaka (yes, Dad agreed to Japanese) and I went to the bathroom, and when I came back he'd apparently said he didn't think he deserved me, and Mom said he did. Awwwwww. (Gee, if only it had lasted...she's been quite annoying about him later on, though. Not in the mood to get into it, though).

* Week at home: Basically spent it entertaining my cousin Matt, who turned out to be scarily similar to me. I'd always wondered what a male twin of mine would be like, now I know. Had no idea his end of the family was so screwed up too. He was liked at ILM, but didn't get the job, they said if anything else opened up he'd be considered for it. Parents weren't too bad that week, though Mom went around embarrassing me.

* Summer school: Between writing 10 page papers, a play (alternate version of Romeo and Juliet, which I am working on putting on Elgonquin (yes, name change!), and working on Illustrator (retch) and Photoshop (yay), and working in the lab, I've been bloody busy.

English class was, in a word, bitchin'. Boe (my writing prof from fall) was teaching it, and he was wonderful as always, I did great on my first paper (dunno about the second yet, it wasn't as good) and the play. He let us do a creative project in lieu of final or a paper, hence the play.

The computer class was less fun- I loved the big projects and being able to sometimes IRC from class, but I felt frustrated with Illustrator, and having to do the same thing as everyone else, step by step, is annoying. My projects are now posted off my home page, if you care to see them.

Lab work is pretty interesting. Except for one day I kept screwing up the samples, I've loved messing with machines and test tubes and all that, like I always wanted to do in chemistry class and never got to. Work with the boss all the time, who's showing me what to do. He's going on vacation next week, and I'm wondering what I'm going to do. I'm doing a gel with another guy in lab, Jesus, but after that, I don't know what there is to do.

My new place is a vast improvement on dorms, even if there's more spiders (but less ants!). We've got our own bathroom, and a big bedroom in the back. Except for a hugely sunny window (which was solved by hanging a comforter over it) and loud barking dog, cicadas, sirens, and train noises, it's quieter than my previous home. It's definitely weird for me to live with a dog...damn my parents for not raising me around pets much. I hate feeling uncomfortable around people's beloved animals. Well, I do well with some people's pets, and I'm not that bad with Magnum (the dog, it's a girl), but I'm still kinda weirded out at times. New bus line to adjust to...annoyingly, I had to go to school a half-hour before my morning class, and get home like an hour after my last class got out...damn summer schedules with less buses.

Obviously Sarah and Jessica (who just moved back to Davis like a week ago) are great, the other guys in the house are rarely seen. Though Jorge (the one that's around the most) gives me the creeps, he's so monotone. Jessica told him he was moving in here and he grunted "Uh...I don't care." Cute. Found a snippy note from somebody on the fridge door the other day bitching about people not washing the dishes- "Mommy is not here!"- and ironically, a HUGE pile of dishes was in the sink. And no, none of us newbie girls made it. Hmmmmmm. Reminded me of the bimbos, and annoyed me. I admit I'm not good about it, but since I'm not here a huge lot, and only use like one plate at a time, I tend to well, save it up.

. God, it's so hard to think of EVERYTHING that has happened lately. I'm only now getting into writing for Elgonquin again and all that stuff because now that I have time, I'm bloody bored here. Well, most of this weekend, anyway.

Climactic Events List:

How this evolved: He started hanging out with Savia (a goth girl on IRC), and he spent two nights off sleeping at her place. And Zoe and I both got ticked off, because it seemed an awful lot like dating someone else. Not that I don't trust him (well, Zoe doesn't, but I do), but it annoyed me, and it really annoyed her. Which led to a big ol' fight between the two of them on IRC, with me hiding in the corner. A few days later he went off for a weekend with Zoe, and Sunday night I return home to find a e-mail from her saying that he'd partially broken up with her. This amounts to, he doesn't want to be her primary, but still wants a relationship...more of a halfassed sometimes-a-weekend one. Apparently it's personal issues, like her being reckless with dangerous things, and how he really doesn't wanna be tied to HAVING to see her twice a week like she wants...that makes me nervous, somehow. She was the one who fought back, and she got dumped... I can't think of what other details of this have evolved at the moment. He went to see her this weekend, for the first time in a month or so. Though he saw her at the Rumsey party the next weekend, and we dragged him to a party the next weekend. Last weekend I spent alone with him, writing homework while he did installs (he's obsessed with installing and downloading stuff right now).

Supposedly how it works is that he wants to spend some weekends with me, some with her, and some off traveling to his dad's or something. So far (albeit it's been a month this weekend) it's been that he's seen me at least one day on the weekend. He was supposed to have all the last Sundays off, but that never happened. Rumsey party weekend Zoe and I didn't feel like going home and just stayed there and did work, the next weekend he had Sunday night off, and last weekend he was supposed to have Sunday off, but he didn't feel like hauling me home, so I didn't get home till 11ish. I was so annoyed...because if he doesn't get Sunday off, he wants Monday off,and I'd prefer time off being when I have work to do, rather than when I have nothing to do. I said that to him on IRC (on his nights off we've been fighting on IRC) that it had been a waste, and he got pissed off. "Spend a relaxing day with me, and you call that a waste." Well, ok, he had a point there...but still. I don't have homework to do anymore, but if I did, I'd really make him haul me home then more.

And yes, he wants to date other people...no one specific, no, but no restrictions on it...I'm not happy with that because then I'll see him a lot less, but can't really worry about it when he's not wanting to date anyone else. Though he's been sweet about saying that certain people he's met "just ain't you." Awwwwww.

Renegotiating things from what they were has been really difficult for me. Lately he revealed that if he hangs around someone for more than 72 hours or so, he wants to get the hell away from them, regardless of what a good time he's having. Gee, thanks. So I'm all sensitive trying to NOT encroach on him much. I don't think it's working. And he says I smother him sometimes (too much PDA, apparently), so I'm really more hands-off than I was. Not bugging him at work, etc. I have to admit that hearing that 72 hour bit hurts, even though it's mostly impartial (yes, he has said that if we're fighting or I'm being too much, nightoffing helps). But knowing that yes, part of it IS me, hurts.

(I'm sure everyone is sick to death of night-off talk. Well, SO AM I. But oh well, that has to be covered here).

To this day, at least 60% of the time he has nights off, I feel bad about it. All rejected temporarily. I mean, I know he loves me, but who wants to think you're so annoying that someone wants to get away from you? Mom always says that, for chrissakes. (This is why I'm resolving to stop talking to her about Rem as much as I can manage. She puts things into my head that I don't want there.) I suspect that no matter how we change night-offing or don't, I'm always going to feel crappy about it. I know he'd be like that (wanting nights off) no matter who he's dating (though it does seem like a lot of Zoe residual), and it's not a bad thing to have time off, but why must it eat at me so often? He's off with Zoe, I'm perfectly fine (well, other than wishing he was around because Sarah went to San Diego for a week and we have no vehicular access), but time without any girlfriend and I get icky. Nasty voice in my head telling me it's all my fault. Doesn't help that we used to spend all the weekdays together, and now we don't. Seems like things are fading. We are doing the same thing as before, basically, with nights off. Which nobody gets- at least, Melissa and most others are all "why are you still doing that? He doesn't need to have time off from two people anymore." That doesn't help. One night I'd understand, but it's MULTIPLYING. Two nights a week off during weekdays (though if I'm seeing him for at least a weekend night, I'm not going to hugely quibble), but sometimes he makes it sound like he wouldn't mind if he only saw me two nights a week, period. I hate that. But lately it's "no numbers, no numbers" with him. Sheesh, rebellion. The more we fight about nights off, the more he doesn't want to see me...but how do we avoid talking about nights off for long? We can't. And it feels like nothing I can do will make me feel better about this completely. Him having one night off I get. But having to have one every few days because he gets sick of me, I don't understand. I just don't get like that with people. I need time off because my parents are pissing me off (Rem doesn't piss me off that I need to get away from him in the way that they do), or that the world is pissing me off, or I need to get work done. That's what I do understand. But it's not fair to him to limit his time off because I get ickified, or whatever it is. I really need to get over this shit. Some people do get like that...but it's not a side of him I've seen much of over 8 months, so it's hard to believe it's been underneath all that time.

To sum it up, we fight a lot with no resolution about this. I asked him what his ideal solution was (seeing as I just don't feel better about this, we might as well give up on trying to please me), and he said "you'd have work to do, and coincidentally, I'd need time off then." "So basically it'd be the same thing as it is right now." "Yup." "Well, it's not working!!!!" (Yeah, I'm getting kinda hysterical). The only other thing I can think of is that we don't automatically assume we see each other, every night's a night off unless he wishes to make a date with me. Which of course I don't like, but maybe that way I wouldn't feel bad because I EXPECT to see him, except for nights off. Or something. I may be reaching here. He thinks that not only will we see each other less and I won't like that (no mention of him not liking that), plus I'll feel even more rejected if he doesn't make a date with me often. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm seriously wanting to give the hell up on this. But what happens then, I don't know.

I keep ranting off to people about this stuff on IRC, and then he finds out about it (sigh). Which leads to him saying 'well, you should tell me these things', and me saying "I did, but we didn't come up with anything."

I was hugely annoyed last week or so (before Jess returned), when I was home alone on a night off trying to type my play, but I wasn't in the mood and wanted to do something social, but no one was around to do that with. I went on IRC, and half the channel (yes, Bill and Melissa and Remington, who of course was over there) went off to Strings. I love Strings, but rarely get to go there. I was HUGELY jealous and feeling so icky about it that I couldn't go. He'd been getting really fed up with my night-off angst lately, and I suspected he REALLY needed to get away from me, no matter what he says about if we're going to the same place on night off we shouldn't avoid each other. I hadn't been invited to go, so I shut up until Bill (the only one there online) got off IRC, then mentioned being all jealous. The other two guys going (Josh and Mike- not chicken Mike, another Mike, Mike S.) invited me along themselves, but I knew I really shouldn't go. So I sat home and sulked and felt crappy.

This is still ringing in my head, to some extent. So I bitched about it to Jess on IRC, and later on she mentioned it to Remington when he got home that night. Which led to this detailed thing as to why he has nights off. While about half of it is because he wants to be alone, the other half is to specifically hang out with others WITHOUT me. Which, well, makes it sound like I really should avoid him on nights off, no matter what he says. Though the last time I bitched to the group on IRC, they all felt sorry for me that he'd leave with all our mutual friends and leave me behind. But if the point is to hang out with them without me, what can I do about it? Nothing. Though I have noticed that it's when I'm going somewhere that he wants to go, but he doesn't invite me along on nights off. Hmmm.

Ah, temporary rejection.

Not to make it sound like everything is going bad with Remington. It isn't. His family all approves of me (had dealings with all of them in the last month that went well, his mom even had pictures of us taken together (home page). Awwww.) The one weekend I saw him alone was nice (wow, a whole weekend...the shock)...albeit both of us were distracted with stuff a lot. But yes, I've been saving up a month's journal entry on this topic.

Zoe, incidentally, is doing MUCH better since he finally lowered the boom she always thought he'd lower on her, and is more relaxed and whatnot and finding other things to do. Good for her. Though she probably won't go to the next Rumsey party, as she got hugely pissed at Mike for making a lesbian comment at the last one, and he was not apologetic for it. Yup, I know he's a jerk.

2. People coming on to me.

The weekend Rem and Zoe broke up, I finally went to one of Nick's parties. It royally sucked, drunken idjits everywhere. Sarah and Alex weren't bad for a change, but off together. So I ended up talking to the one semisober guy there, Alex's roommate Steve. (Yes, yet another Steve in the chronicles. Eeek.) While I had a good time talking to him and all...he developed a thing for me, pretty obviously. I'd hang out with him, but I don't have romantic interest in him, though he's not a bad guy and if I ever did want a weekend boyfriend, he'd be perfect for it...and he did ask me out last week, but I turned him down. I don't wanna run back and forth between two men.

Also met Zoe's other boyfriend Damon the next week, and he expressed interest, but wasn't too bothered that I'm not like that. Nice guy...well, neither of them gave me bad vibes, and it wouldn't be horrible to date either, but I'm really not interested in anyone else at all.

But as usual, I still feel uncomfortable that people have interest and I don't.

3. Rem's seeing a shrink.

During the summer months, it turns out that Remington is pretty broke (they don't do finalncial aid in the summer). This is actually quite sad and scary, seeing us scraping money together to get fed for the night, or just not eating. And Remington's usually Mr. Big Spender, so it's even weirder. Anyway, his mom's now offering him $100 per shrink visit, so he decided to start seeing a shrink. (Oh, and his mom said "No freaks" when he was picking shrinks.) His first appointment was Wednesday, and he said very little other than it was interesting in a good way. I was kinda afraid to ask more.

4. He's also getting an apartment.

He told his mom that he was going to live with me during the week next fall, and she apparently freaked out (claimed he wouldn't get work done) and offered to pay for it fully. So he's probably going to move in with Mike S., closer to where I live, yay! It's annoying us being on opposite ends of town now. I'm a tiny bit saddened, but at least I don't have to fight with him over whose computer was going to be at my house, though. He wanted his to be up, and I said my parents would freak out, and he said mine was too slow, etc...Sheesh. Oh well, I don't figure it'll be different any way, really.

5. The Burning Man Fight.

Remington is going to Burning Man. And I wanna go. It sounds really cool. Jen-Jen off Spotfans/Elgonquin and her boyfriend #20 went last year and loved it, and ever since then I've thought about it, but had no hopes of going. Till now.

But of course, I can't skip town for a week without my parents finding out about it, so I had to tell them (unlike Ancient Ways) about it. And naturally, it ain't going well in negotiation. I haven't been FORBIDDEN to go yet, but all but. They seem to think that I'm just going to do whatever I want anyway- yeah, right. I kinda suspect they'd cut me off if I really made them mad..so it's a very touchy subject. Current status is "Take a few weeks to think about it before you decide", which I'm ok with, but I don't trust them to let me decide on my own.

Their objections so far seem to be that a. deserts are hot, and b. I'm an idiot and won't drink enough water. And also c. druggies, but since I have NO interest in drugs I find this one silly. Like I woudln't avoid that stuff anyway, hello? They don't trust me worth a damn, and to some extent I get why they're bothered, and some I don't. I don't get into trouble. Why don't they trust me? She actually said that it would be like sending my baby cousin into the desert...okay, that's bloody exaggeration. She thinks that if I cooked them dinner, that would show I'm responsible, or something. WTF? Her logic leaps are WEIRD. Dad is of course, even more insane about this. I called her last week and it was a very pleasant conversation until she asked him if he wanted to talk to me, and all I heard was distant screaming for ten minutes, the only intelligible part sounding like "sleep in the shed". She came back and said "He really doesn't want you to go to Burning Man."

I have to go home next weekend (get more $, see Guys and Dolls), and I'll probably decide (if I get the choice) after talking to them that weekend. I'm dreading it...though I actually had a normal conversation with Dad tonight. He asked if I'd paid for BM yet and I said no, I was going to talk to them first, and he said good.

I went off at length about this on Elgonquin, and most folks, of course, said that I should become completely independent from them, right now. No. Not willing. Not happening. Only one person supported me in it...she said that dealing with it for a few more years saved me lotsa financial problems after college. Thank you. Even Zoe didn't get that last time I talked to her. No, I don't WANT to drop out of school and work. She also said I should join Codependents Anonymous (sigh).

Okay, enough filling in for now.

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jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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