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Like sands in an hourglass-ephemeral. Tonight will melt into another year. As it has in the past as it will again in the future. Culminating into one night, unlike other nights, if only symbolically. No Y2K fears, not excitement of "a new era." I tend to feel like Garfield's owner John. Dateless-but not as desperate. It'll happen someday (As I attempt to hold off on singing "Tomorrow"). I remind myself that it isn't a big deal. No perceptive change, only a month worth of writing December 32nd, 2000. It's simply a time to reflect on the year that has passed and what is to come. A fresh(er) start, the promise of a new day. Whatever promise that may hold.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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12/28/00 Think I've been here before
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It comes every year, the last vestige of Christmas.
The wrapping paper lies in the garbage like so much leftover fruitcake. The dead tree dropping pine needles and tinsel with every brush against it. A sad experience really, at least it used to be back way when Christmas was fun. Now it's almost a relief. The dawning of a new year with all the (as of yet)un-broken promises the future holds. Even though it feels more like Deja Vu with the same boring presents and dateless New Year Eve's.
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12/25/00 Rudolph's nose or Daddys?
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Put away your homemade egg nog and put out the flaming lunchsacks on the front porch. Unfortunately Martha Stewart didn't come to the Christmas party.
I don't think it feels like Christmas today. It doesn't even feel like monday. But alas here we are. It hasn't felt like X-mas since childhood-when you actually looked forward to it.
Now it serves as a reminder that Santa never has what you want on his list. I can't imagine him having the time to check the list TWICE. Does anyone even believe in Santa anymore??? I think you can't get past age 4 these days without knowing the awful truth. That suspension of disbelief is what made this holiday best. To pretend that you're a kid again, and maybe that is what Christmas should do.
Do you ever ask yourself the same question?
over and over again-intervals of time notwithstanding. Always to arrive at the same answer. or perhaps no answer at all.
Like a circle, no beginning and no end. Just sort of "there"-insatiable and unattainable. "who am i?" or "why am i here?"
Perhaps it's the holidays. The feeling that another year has passed-depressingly so. I'm always amazed at the rate which 365 (...oops, 366) days can pass by.
To look for perfection requires no look further than yourself.
What most people want is nothing more than a reflection of themselves. However, to truly love another being, one must be enitrely aware of one's identity (through time, experiences, and trial and error). This is so the other being being can be loved for what he/she truly is-not for reflecting oneself. Easier said than done, you are what you want-who knows yourself better than you? Take it with a grain of salt, this isn't some great epiphany, just ramblings.
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12/15/00 Acid Kewpie doll
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Sometimes having too much to say is more dangerous than having nothing to say. After a trying week, it is friday. Not just ANY friday, mind you, but a friday before a two week vacation. Actually, other than monday, it was a pretty blow off week. Lotsa luncheons, x-mas parties and the like. With only 10days left till Christmas and 17 till another dateless new year's.
At least I have the break. I can't believe some people live on just two-weeks off a year. Well, I guess their money keeps them company.
Mondays, in and of themselves are bad enough. Have you ever just missed getting hit by a car? It happened to me today, a huge fucking red semi-truck almost rear-ended me. Being the concerned citizen that I am, I managed to stop at the yellow light. Afterall, in Scottsdale, those lights have cameras to prevent red light runners. Out of the rear-view mirror I see a truck with squealing breaks gunning for my ass. That monster was not about to stop. I knew that, and that bastard knew that-it swerved into the other lane but even then it was going to hit me. What to do? FUCK IT!
I rather get a ticket than risk my health and means of transportation. I slammed on the gas and turned left. Thanking God, my lucky stars and those people not on the turning lane.
My sister, however, was not so lucky. For she herself had not escaped the Car god’s wrath. I drove to the scene of the accident. It was ugly-I couldn’t even tell what brand the damn thing was. Eggie, my brother’s car, totaled. I recognized the trunk with the Rice University sticker. Bleeding antifreeze with its battery thrown about 10 feet away. The other car was just as badly damaged. Shattered plastic, aluminum and rubber sprayed everywhere. A couple of bumpers here, a few headlights there. What a way to start off the week.
I'm still somewhat perplexed on the two emails I got from my ex even if they were "friendship" chain-letter forwards. Afterall, this is from someone who told me to "go to hell."
Maybe it's tradition. Like Adam Sandler's "hanukah song" and those Starvation Army bell ringers outside of stores. The Christmas season is upon us. How can something that caused so much joy as a child, be the reason of so much bitterness in adulthood? *It* is no longer about toys and anticipation, but just another marked occasion to signify the passage of time. More exactly, the un-passage (is that even a word?) of our goals and resolutions.
Those that are still not met. No wonder December has the highest suicide rates.
i feel something has been lost. The greatest band of the 90's, my beloved Smashing Pumpkins are history. Closing their career in a four-and-a-half hour marathon concert in Chicago last saturday.
To only live again in my heart as I listen to their music. One day, I may tell my children about them as my parents have taught me about The Beatles.
"what now?" a question that is often asked in my head.
There is no answer, there isn't a replacement. No one will ever take their place, for those of us lucky enough to have seen them live. Or even luckier to "touch" the man himself, SP will always be more than "just a band."
Maybe they'll reunite, maybe they won't. However, I should all consider myself lucky to see them at their best-pouring their hearts out to their fans. Creating songs that broke and mended your heart all at once. Relating to Billy's words as if he had sung them *only* to me.
I can cry, I can deny. I can claim myself victim to the horrors of commercialism (Brittney and the gang). I know it's over.
All this coming four years after I saw them live for the first time. Indeed, a day that will live in infamy.
As I hear the yelps of the Starla getting humped by Echo. It reminds me of what I told Kristen of what was waiting for me when i got home? the wafting smell of dogshit from the stupid mut that lives at my place. since adam forgot to leave the dog-door open the goddamn thing decided the CARPET was the perfect place. couldn't do it on the kitchen tile, it had to be the carpet.
and now i'm here watching police-chases on the discovery channel. *oooh, the cops are chasing a tank!*
It's either that or a real life doggie-porn show.
yeah-i DO need a life.
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11/28/00 piss-tory in the making
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Not that seeing a 'ex' vice-president futily and desperately to win an election that's done with, isn't fun. But c'mon? Haven't we had enough with slow southerners as presidents to elect another one? Bush is the greater of the two evils. I truly fear for the future of this country. Just another bad thing to happen in an already horrendous month.
No more than a day after Thanksgiving, I drive down the street to see people have already put up their Christmas decorations.
Plastic pine trees and trimming have been at the stores since september. What the hell? It seems like 'season for giving' is coming earlier every year. Not that I mind, exactly. But it seems to take away the joy once felt. The anticipation of the moment. Then of course there's the parking. Maybe I'm just pissy cause I never get what I want. Hopefully this year Santa won't check his list twice.
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11/23/00 just when I thought...
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The airport before Thanksgiving. That's the madening malaise I was in last night as my brother's flight flew in from Houston.
No parking, delayed flights, and thousands looking for relatives.
Just the setting I needed after hearing that Kathy's parents found out about *us*. To make an impossible dream even harder.
Sigh, and here I thought I had something to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Here comes the ever-present hand of fate to pimp slap me into reality.
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11/21/00 Wishes of my command
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I'm so mad at myself.
You know what is depressing??? I actually spent 10 minutes of my existence to please Vitch. Couldn't by-gone's be just that? couldn't they suffice as a time that once was. A simple "reminder"? Not these days I suppose. Who cares, life is too short to spend it with/on worthless individuals/activities and things. On top of that, I could kick myself for wasting another ten minutes reading an article over the Backstreet Boys in my sister's RollingStone magazine. Just for the lurid details of AJ's life.
Arghh! I hate wasting time.
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11/16/00 Punk-Pop for postponed suicides
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"Art is long and time is short, and in the end it's all mildew and dust
-Baudelaire-
Talk about feeling “old”. I watched Pump Up the Volume. The little known, even lesser seen, Christian Slater flick about a lonely High School Loser in early 1990’s Arizona. If you have ever wondered what my high school experience was like, rent that movie. My life seemed to resemble that movie so much, I can still relate to it. Someone trying to believe in nothing to accept everything. Ever the Dada-ist, trying to challenge the "establishment canons" of morality and thought thru fashionable nihilism. Strangely, not much has changed in the past decade.
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11/14/00 screams of the butterfly
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One day I woke up with the realization that I was never going to be normal. After many attempts at "fitting in" and probervial kicks in the ass, I came to accept myself as I am. A mindfield of fragile emotion, volatile ego and pained dependency. Maybe that's why I howl, and rasp and gasp till my voice becomes shards of broken glass. And in the end, *it* has shaped me.
Like wrought iron from a fire.
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11/10/00 high school for a night
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 A moonlit extravaganza on a cold november night was the setting for Kam's birthday party. An eclectic gathering of sorts. I saw lots of people who i hadn't seen in ages. I got some hugs and handshakes from loadsa peeps. The vibes were really positive-people dancing, and drinking. Everyone mingling, getting to know one another. Prolly trying to guess who barfed in the bathroom sink. I met a guy named 'Styles' simply cause he was wearing a Thundercats shirt, who is an actual glass-blower. He makes pipes, bongs and sex toys with his skills-I even saw some examples. Interesting to say the least. A band played live as well as some dj's spinned the black circles in a tiny hallway adjacent to the kitchen. Twas nostalgic, as a moment frozen in time. it almost felt like 1991 again. ahh-*sigh* GOOD TIMES!
i left around 1:30am because it was cold outside and the smoke of cigarettes, cloves and weed was irritating my throat and eyes. I didn't fall asleep till 2-then woke up at 7. i think i'm starting to see things. Five hrs of sleep
will do that to you.
Like the rest of the nation, I await the Presidential decision with baited breath. Yesterday's promise has become today's threat. Which of the two evils will win, Gore or Bush? The devil you know vs. the devil you don't. It makes me sick to realize the future of this country lies on the shoulders of one of them. Of course, there was our man Nader. The fray in the fabric, the monkeywrench in the works, the pothole on the road. Arghh, where's McCain when you need him-a good AZ boy is what this country needs.
So, here we are, another week. You and I on this voyage we call life. Another Monday wherein we find ourselves dreading the morning and getting out of bed. It’s getting harder to face the week, especially on these cloudy days. The week looms before my bleary eyes like a surfer staring up at a 50ft wave. I sometimes feel that it’s all going to come crashing down on me as I try to juggle my workload with what little life I attempt to have. (stop the snickering!) Like the song goes, “sometimes it be’s like that.”
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11/2/00 a peculiar institution
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Don't you love it when your boss "volunteer's" your time to someone else. I feel like a slave or an indentured servant.
I feel like life's a joke being played on me.
This all comes a day after celebrating my ONE YEAR anniversary of working there.
Maybe I'm just in a bad mood because I feel like a probervial member of the intellectual Donner Party. I'm starved for intellectual conversation. Devouring words and thoughts in an attempt to make this trite existence worthwhile. God, doesn't anyone read anymore? Or even appreciate depth? By looking at the success of Blink-182, Limp Bizkit, and boy-bands it doesn't appear likely.
Sigh. at least there are a few souls who DO, and the nearest and dearest to my heart is celebrating a birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHY!!!
Do you listen, or wait to talk?
It seems to me that everyone talks so slowly. Or maybe I'm just not interested. I see lips move and words come out, but my mind is just stressing "get to the point." Of course, I could be just bored.
But at any rate, it's Halloween. Which, I must say, has lost it's significance since I don't go trick or treating anymore. It's almost like an apple without a razor blade. Happy Halloween
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10/27/00 "Not my problem, not my fault"
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If you can’t dream big, why dream at all?
Like castles built upon quicksand, certain lofty goals disappear at the first sight of reality. There’s a certain amount of intangible inspiration that comes on rainy days-like today. Almost as if the clouds themselves rain muses in your head.
Just another one of my wondering pretentiously eloquent thoughts.
Pretentiousness is cool. We (yes, you and i) like pretentiousness (in small amounts, by certain people, on special occasions). But pretentious requires a nudge, a wink, a crooked Mona Lisa smile, something!
To aide in that, the
glam name generator will turn your name into something that a raver or gay porn actor would use. Go ahead, try it! Make my day!
Sincerely,
Poxy Silverpowder
I guess some of you didn't cross your fingers hard enough (YOU know who you are). Even though I awoke at 6am, though i said my prayers, ate my vitamins and spent a quarter tank of gas driving around Scottsdale-I came home without a Playstation-2.
The gods hate me. I guess I should've seen it coming the lines were longer than a ride at Disneyland. You'd think they were giving away those $300 monsters. Indeed, I almost cried like a little-girl. Good thing that I'm used to disappointments.
I’ve never claimed to be an expert in life, I don’t have the experience nor am I old enough to act as an authority over the subject (is anyone?). The question I postulate is: Have you ever wondered what life would have been like had you chosen different paths.
If you chose, B instead of A or gone Left instead of Right, would you be the same person you are today?
Have our choices, experiences and actions made us who we are?
Could you, I, or anyone be the same people?
The fact is we will never know, still it’s interesting to see if we could’ve be something else. The perplexing unanswerable question, what if we could’ve been a millionaire, a rock-star, or “anyone other than me.”
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10/19/00 unbearable lightness of being |
a week to go when i will find out if I'll be a happy boy or a sad
little boy this x-mas. I almost feel like a junkie in need of a dose of Playstation-2. Today is a beautiful cloudy day spoiled by the fact i have to work. Isn't it always?
The only thoughts to get me through this horrendous week are those of the words spoken last night. Thoughts of *her*, of us and how it's going to be when dreams come true and "happily" really is "ever after."
10 hours, the longest day I’ve worked. It’s dark outside, I’m exhausted and it’s only tuesday. Three meetings in one day, all redundant, boring and useless. I get home and check my email. Ahh, my sweet salvation.
An email from my beloved Kathy. My tired bloodshot eyes twinkle, my face cracks a smile, and my heart trepidates a little faster.
The only soul who can make me smile has written me. It’s surprising how a few words can make the difference in your day as long as they’re from the right person. And she is so perfect, it’s almost unreal. Her presence dominates my judgement. Making the impossible seem within reach. A dream in awakening.
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10/12/00 "sci-fi lullaby" |
Ever have one of those mornings when you don't want to get out of bed? It's dark and cold outside, the bed so nice and warm.
the pillows beckon for you like a lover's arms.
the beautiful thing, is that i'm not working this week. so i'm just getting personal things done. I'm still sleepy however. i'm going to bed too late and waking up too early.
Of course, I can't say too much since it might spoil a special someone's birthday surprise.
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10/11/00 "prison of circumstance" |
According to that pendantic, trite, new-age crap The Four Agreements you can't take things personally. In a way, I agree. It's like i was telling a friend, "yeah, life sucks-but it sucks for everyone else as well." You just don't want to be singled out. You don't want to feel as if the world is against you. Though deep, deep in your heart you know that it is. Afterall, misery does love company.
I can't believe that on a dark and stormy day like this I'm at work. Worse yet, I'm actually working and in the DARK no less.
For it seems that a generator was struck by lightning leaving without power. Ok, this is Chaparral, prolly the only school in the country with an Equestrian Club and we're here in the dark. At any rate, Fall is finally here; the weather is a little cooler, the night a little longer, and they're finally selling my fave cereal-Boo Berry. Sometimes you really have to reach to find happiness.
I'm ok, working sucks. That's nothing new. it's like i'm watching the minutes melting into hours in slow motion. it's awful, and i'm on a deadline to finish the ALCAP report.
I have to get everything done by friday or spend my precious vacation at that god-damned hell-hole.uggh! The only thing that can bring any sort of joy to my face is the new Radiohead CD.
i need to win the lottery-plain and simple.
but life goes on, sigh-and it's only tuesday.
To foray into the inexplicable, to dabble into the unknown.
To upset the equilibrium and acheive a personal triumph.
These blessed things I have not done in ages. Even meaningless meandering is oft a goal not met. And really, how can i?
During the day I'm part of the system. I must follow a paradigm of authority and adulthood. Sometimes, it carries over into my off-hours. Ahh! I'm starting to scare myself. I need to break that pattern, NOW.
Well, my dear, it's friday. We've survived another week and another passing chance at bliss. Which, these days, it's all one can ask for.
ok, get this. the fucking toilet has a leaky tank and
it's osmosing thru my room! my carpet is all damp and
smelly. what the hell man! Doesn't anything ever go my way?
And of course, there's work. inputing crap on a computer database for govt funding. The whole damn day, it took me 3.5hrs to enter 9 students. Gotta earn that dollar somehow, eh?
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9/22/00 man in the mirror
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Personally, i like to blame my problems on my high school, just easier that way.
But then again, when Klete Keller can come from the
same school and win a silver and a bronze medal in the
olympics. something else must be to blame. *Trying not to look in the mirror*
But for right now, I'm happy. It's the first day of fall and it's friday-what else do you need? it seems like my goal in life llately is to make it to the weekend. Wait, isn't that what else everyone does???
Speaking to a similarly aged co-worker, i found a shared desire for a return to childhood. That we could wake up and have it be sometime in the 1980's would be ideal.
Yes-yes. When life was sweet, at least compared to the hell called work and the drudgery known as life. As doubt fills our heads, what does the future hold? We do NOT know. We can always buy ruby slippers and click our heels to the bone.
You know you're in trouble when you wake up at four in the morning from a toothache. Not just any toothache mind you, but a Wisdom toothache. I will have to get it removed, and you know how much that's going to hurt? I am going to be in PAIN, physically and financially. Worst of all, there will be no toothfearie for this ingrown bastard.
Sorry for all this bitching.
Bruised and battered, i report from the field of last night's A Perfect Circle concert.
The sweaty crowd, most of them teens-all of them ugly. created whirlpools of flesh as mosh pits raged on.
The throws of music and misery, admist heat and over-prized merchandise. Maynard sang his heart out in speedo's.
as always, dark but embraceable.
Remember when you're parents asked you: How was school?
And all you said was Nothing and changed the subject???
Well, it's like that when you work at schools as well.
Mondays hit especially hard. Exhausted from the weekend, and not necessarily looking forward to eight hours of mundaneness.
So here we are again. You and me. Me and you. You looking for a little sage with commentary. Ahh! Brain Cramp. I'll take cartoons for $100, Alex.
It's the listless sound of boredom. As i swallow your apathy, one sip at a time.
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9/8/00 second guess another mess
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For some reason i am besieged with questions such as "what do you plan to do?" I mean i was asked that before i had a job, now i'm getting the same question after the fact.
Is it so bad to not know? I mean really-i have no idea.
Some people have a grip on their lives that is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth. I tend to deal with it on a regular basis. As if plunging into some shadowy area of slackerhood mixed with some pseudo-adulthood. Sadly, I fear i will never know. And the bleak truth keeps me company as it has in the past.
"...the great twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat"Theodore Roosevelt
Sometimes (almost always) I just don't know where exactly I belong. I just want to curl up on the couch in a fetal position and stay there all day. It's Labor Day a day to rest-though it seems the more I rest, the less I want to go back to work. I just spend too much time with people who read Chicken
Soup for the Soul books and use words like Synergy.
Ever the pricker in the ballon of pretense, I glare at the knowledge that another week is about to begin.
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8/30/00 learning to smile
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After Desert Mt. gave me an organizer, Chaparral knew it had to do something to keep themselves in my good graces. So it seemed ideal that they would include me in the school 'picture day'.
So there i was, amongst the crowds of teenagers. Getting my faculty picture for the yearbook taken. Many a flashback through my head as i sat, knees joined, sparkling my pearly whites. Thinking to myself, "too sexy for your school."
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8/28/00 ritual de lo habitual
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The feeling becomes mechanical. it is as if a machine, that lives only for weekends and paychecks, takes over my body.
you have to make money somehow. even though i don't
mind my job. i can only imagine how many others hate their's.
still, a beautiful day (for a monday). A serenely
peaceful, cloudy day. the kind so rare here in this
desert that they make you curse the morning and the
responsibilities it holds. but a pointless rant like that can be saved for another time. instead of wasting webspace-don't you agree?
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8/24/00 a million dollars eh?
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and now, my own personal diatribe about Survivor. That hokey, over-dramatized, highly-hyped, piece of crap that everybody watches. Like the rest of the country, I watched last night's episode. Though i've never seen any of the previous installments. So the naked gay guy won, the ugly girl didn't. i'm just glad to know the old man didn't win. At times, this seemed like a made-for-TV version of Lord of the Flies.
But without substance or even the intrigue of life threatening ordeals. All I can say is this: Never under-estimate the power of greed.
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8/21/00 Wake up to reality
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My brother left of Houston on saturday. The airport was a bittersweet Kodak moment of smiles and tears and he entered the plane headed for his destiny. Strange, almost 'not real', i still think he's out and about with his friends.
So this is it? how it all begins. The 'nuclear family' fragmented like a jig-saw puzzle by college, work, you name it.
It will never be as it once was. Maybe it's just natural, but doesn't mean i have to like it. Adulthood is such an awful bitch!
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8/16/00 where's the nearest hole?
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As much as you may want to immitate an ostrich and hide your head from the rest of the world. sometimes you just HAVE to face reality. For example, those pivotal moments in your life that are now being repeated by your younger siblings. Talk about feeling old. My little sister has a boyfriend. My brother just turned 19 and is leaving for college this saturday. Everything seems to be a shock to the system. In my mind, all of us are frozen in time. A sweeter, kinder time when we were all kids. Now, it's like crossing a bridge of sighs-separated by crushing reality and blissful memory. almost to the point of pain.
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8/14/00 Praise the BORED! |
Get our your Crayolas and your #2 pencils! Few things are as exciting and/or hectic as the first day of school. It's even more stressful when you're like me and WORK at one (or 14). This morning found me at Desert Mt. As i walked through the halls. The freshman had their orientation-outside a personal organizer awaited them. Damn! i thought to myself "YOU'RE rich!. But i digress. Today was my day to go *back* to work. To baby the teachers and babysit the students. It's a thankless job really. But as i go, school to school. teacher to teacher. i get to feel like i'm doing something important. like a big shot, and that, my friends, makes all the difference.
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8/7/00 ...here we go again
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I'm still smelling from the cancer factory that is a three hour lunch/meeting at Denny's. I've become my own worst nightmare, a 'homesteader' like those blue haired old people. worse yet, the women that i go with are the kind to nitpick at the service and food AND still stick around. One of them, the smoker, will ALWAYS have a problem with the eggs yet always order them.
The rest of us can only roll our eyes as she calls the manager to our table. It's truly embarrassing.
it's a monday-i guess a little bitching is expected.
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8/4/00 Ground Zero ecstasy
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To live in serendipity and see the beauty of everyday life was a goal of mine for this year. I think I've succeeded in that respect. You never know what tomorrow may bring or how good the day can be. Sometimes it takes that special someone to show you the light. To make the impossible seem within reach.
My journey for *her*, like the fabled prince scouring the land
with a glass slipper trying to find Cinderella, is over.
But let's not jinx anything, just enjoy the moment.
*he says crossing his fingers*
Shoes by Doc Marten, shirt by DKNY, pants by Claiborne, Heat by Hell. Another lovely day of work is finished. Spending my time reading a Timothy Leary Manifesto and catching up on my internet time. (Which is hard to do anywhere else since my monkey-ass roomates keep hogging the phone-line.) But i digress, the truth is this heat is evaporating my inspiration. It seems to fade, to die and rot like tangerines or some other citrus. I apologize for the crap you've had to read whilst I wait for LIFE to happen. Of course, life is something you make happen. Like selling crack to nuns.
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7/31/00 ...all good things.
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The alarm sounded.
I get my sleepyhead out of bed and head towards the shower. "what the hell is that!" i said to myself as my reflection came into focus. The unshaven, unbrused, monday-morning me stares back. I jump in the shower, shave and transform myself into something a little more respectable.
Much to my lament, my vacation was over.
It was eight and half hours of sitting, talking and going to lunch in an overheating car. all in all, not a bad way of making $101.28.
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7/28/00 choking on my screams
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There just isn't anything quite like government buildings.
Take for example, the DMV. You will never have such a chance to witness the wheels of bureaucrasy spinning at it's slowest.
White-trash children running around barefoot and shirtless.
Foreigners who don't know a word of English. Nervous teenagers with their parents. All which seem to populate, congregate and homestead this place like the Jerry Springer show. Just my luck, on my last friday before my vacation ends, i took my sister to get her license. I looked at the piece of paper I was handed: A-093. At the same time, a computerized voice stated on the P.A. system, "now serving A-057 at window two." DAMN!
My horrible, freeloading cousins are here. God, I hate those brats. So loud and obnoxious. they make me want to sterilize myself. maybe it's just my overall frustration with life.
My job starts a week from today and i didn't do a god-damn thing this summer. My brother is leaving for his all-expenses-paid-22k-a-year university. He also has an internet girlie coming over in a couple of weeks. Even my little sister has a boyfriend.
My prospect seems so far away, yet so perfect in my mind.
Of course it's not reality. Somehow that always throws the monkey wrench in my plans. Thanks for listening to the complaints of an envious man.
I have over 200 cd's yet nothing to listen to. I have cable yet nothing to watch. I've never seen a falling star nor wished upon it. A million things to say yet speechless. All so esoteric and confusing. That's why I prefer impressions to ideas, situations over subjects. The grey's in life over the billowing blacks&whites. Not that anyone would ever understand that.
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7/17/00 The world according to...me
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In the words of T.S. Garp: "we are all terminal cases."
So often we try to believe in nothing so we can accept everything. Without ever learning anything at all.
An oxymoron like dropping bombs to keep the peace, and
cutting down the rainforest to make environmental pamphlets.
There's something greater out there. More meaningful and more real that our day-to-day reality. A cross between the insight that the genius aspire and the insane lament. Ok, so maybe it's too late for me.
Slowly the hudled masses splash amongst each other. Adrift amidst a sea of white. Slowly but surely each begins to disappear. Those not drowned by the weight of their neighbors, is picked off. The population is decimated by each passing spoonful. Like the show Survivor, only the mighty are left standing until there is only one. It is you, my little Cookie Crisp cookie, who has survived the challenge.
You shall be in my protective custudy, where I will keep you safe. At least until the next breakfast.
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7/11/00 come on, little snail
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Ever feel like your wallowing in my very own self-rightous pity?
Like your dreams as puttering away like a drunken snail?
As if all your desires were stalled halfway between stop and slow motion? They're rhetorical.
The summer doldrum is here, and unless you have a significant other, life could not suck anymore. of course i would take this in all it's glory in place of work which starts in approx 20 days. uggh.
well i suppose i have to make money somehow.
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7/7/00I've been *published*
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Besides the one time in college, yesterday I got another, shall we say work? published. The Rep printed my little diatribe on MTV's lack of videos. I can tell you, in all honesty, it was the best written of all the responses.
As someone who grew up with the mantra "I want my MTV" I find it a shame that videos are no longer the main attraction. Sure MTV has some "occasional" video programming, usually past midnight barring any Celebrity DeathMatch Marathons. Of course if you don't mind Carson Daily and pre-teen girls giving "shout outs" to their friends you can watch TRL. Where the best boy-bands and teen divas come to play.
While some of MTV's programming was considered vanguard, show's like Road Rules and Real World (now both in their ninth incarnation) have run their course.
Instead of putting videos, MTV repeats and regurgitates ad nauseam. To this, MTV offers M2, all videos all the time.
A chanel that is happens to be non-existent to 90% of cable subscribers around the country. Maybe at 25, I no longer fit into their predetermined Clearasil/Skittles demographic.
I no longer WANT my MTV, I just want to know where the "M" went
ahh to be a published *writer* that is the dream.
Either way, seeing your name in print on cheap newsprint is just hellacool!
I wonder when it happens. When exactly does one 'lose their innocence'. i think it's more mental than anything you actually do. A point when you're thought process changes. maybe it's when you find out Santa Claus isn't real. Maybe it's something you find in movies or books. Whatever it *is*, it does happen.
kids are in such a hurry to grow up that they miss out on just being a kid. you will be a 'grown up' a lot longer than you will be a kid. ask any adult, everyone would want to switch places to a consequence-free sorrounding.
In other news. Today's the 4th of July, no work, no mail, most stores are closed. Like christmas without the presents, kind of a boring day really. then night comes and fireworks fill the skies. pets get spooked and run away, drunken drivers kill themselves. i'm sure this is what our forefathers wanted.
How quickly time flies by, how fast a year passes. Maybe it's the heat, vacation is lulling by, like watching ice cubes melt.
Then again, things could be worse. Someone i didn't even know died over the weekend. she worked with my brother and was only 16. What does a sixteen year old know about life? Nothing! It really brings things into perspective.
I mean, yes, "life sucks" but at least you HAVE life.
you never know when it'll be taken away. you really have to appreciate every moment as it could be your last.
The future is the perfect blackboard in which to write our dreams and our fears. Hopefully we'll get the time see them to fruition.
melting like a snowman with eyes wide open.
most of us go around looking for someone to patch the holes other's have left behind. basically whatever gets you through the night. even if it's not something you want. so the other day, i talked to cielidh, i made a joke in reference to her sexlife in comparison to mine. i find her's repulsive yet alluring like a car accident. meanwhile, mine is like a car with a dead battery. i'm out there with jumper cables trying to wave someone down. Does Progressive cover this?
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6/27/00 public service announcement
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so last week we get the phone bill. For the second time in as many months we have a long distance call to Madagascar. We DON'T know anyone in Madagascar or even where Madagascar is. It's a 9min/$22.00 call-needless to say we were pissed. Last time it was only $4.00 but anyway. My roomate Adam, calls the phone company, the lady tells him it's from a "adult entertainment line". We still don't know from what, but it seems that my other roomate Chris downloaded a program to look at porn. No credit card needed. the catch however was that to reach the site you dialed a long distance number. So let that be a warning to you seekers of free porno, NOTHING is free.
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6/26/00 "do a little dance..."
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It was one of those weekends that go by faster than the headaches and hangovers they cause. Lingering are the thoughts of the weekend. One filled with too much to drink and too little sleep. Friday night, Roxanne and I hit Polly Esther's Culture Club searching for the fountain of...teenagehood. Saturday: admist a zombifying
lack of sleep, working, shopping for CD's, eating din-din at the Fog City Diner (thanx rox). Oh yeah, more drinking while watching Cite D'Les Enfants Perdue. On Sunday, (he DIDN'T rest) working then watching Chicken Run. I think i need to go lie down now.
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6/22/00 Rainyday thoughts |
It's one of those days.
As I sit here eating my soggy Frosted flakes("they're great"), I look out the window at the ashen sky.
It feels me with a subjective feeling of euphoria and lazyness.
It's a day to stay in bed naked. To watch tv (oh look, *pointing at the tv* something else on sale for $19.95!), to watch movies and play videogames. A day to think and to write, and just maybe feel like a kid again.
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6/20/00 Solstice part two
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it's funny how much things can change in one year.
counting leap year, it was one year ago today(counting leap year) that you-know-who came to town.
I met her at the airport, went back to the place and had some sex. Ahh, that was a great summer, having sex two or three times a day. Drinking whine coolers and in general having "someone" there. And now what do i have to show for it?
A girl that hates me, $1,000 gone and a video of better times. Well, at least i have the video.
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6/15/00 "the summer wind"
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i didn't think i'd survive. But here I am and I have made it!
8 months that seemed so long, flew by. My last day was today. Now i'm free for a nifty month and a half. Though i had to turn in my lover/friend/kick-ass laptop.
But it's time to write and relax and become inspired even in a world without happily ever after's. you never know what the next day will bring and i don't know what my summer will bring. And that serendipity is part of the excitement of life.
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6/12/00 "wilted flowers in a vase"
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There are very few things that are more depressing than when you're younger siblings have more of a lovelife than you do.
My sister had a candle lit picnic with her boyfriend last night.
NO girl has ever done that for me!
Then again she's young, she doesn't know what lies ahead. All the heartache and sorrow, all the sleepless nights.
She is seeing the world through rose colored glasses. The lucid perceptions tainted with wishful thinking and Disney endings.
And that, my friend, is what seperates the enlightened from the blind.
All I need is a catalyst, a moustrap. Something or someone to trigger an all consuming effect on me. To focus my passions and desires. To encourage my dreams and make a difference. The reason and meaning to my unyielding search for the unseekable.
Of course the thought is always, "If I had a (girlfriend, good job, etc) then life would go my way." Maybe i should make my own happiness. To follow my own journey, to reach my own destination. Maybe *happiness* are just moments of everyday life presented in better packaging. In many ways, the axiom "ignorance is bliss" has never rang truer.
Time to look under rocks, and the other side of the mirror. To scream till your face turns different shades of red. To search for something more in our everyday life. Be it meaning or question.
Every now and then I get the urge to reach inside of me to find the hidden truths I may hold. Subjective and interpersonal-the mystical "why’s" of life, and more often than not, relationships. Just the kind of thing to keep me awake at night.
Call it self-punishment, call it self-awakening.
Rare is the time I gain some deep insight, rarer still when I use it.
So why do I do it? It makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. like i've grown up and accepted the fact that nothing lasts forever. no relationship or friendship, words have no meaning or even a cache of reference. The enigma of our existence.
would you like to read the email Kim sent me???
here it is:
"you want me to replay [sic] to a letter that started out fuck you. You don't deserve to get a letter in return has it occured to you for one moment in time that I was trying to get situated in a apartment I could call my own. I was living with people who where putting me in bad situations left in right and I don't want to have to deal with you drawing every last bit of my happiness from me in a single conversation. You needn't worry about me keeping anything you sent I threw it all away. You left me before I even had a chance to explain myself so our frinedship[sic] ended because you couldn't except the fact I didn't call for a few months. You can go to hell. This is now over. No more e-mails, no more letters, no more phone calls. You no longer will be a part of my life from this point on. Goodbye. I NEVER LIED. KIM"
Mind you this is coming from a white trash slut who WILL NEVER do better than ME! I can say without arrogance that I was too good for her and that she has lost someone who actually cared about her. Her loss.
I can take it for what it was, a LEARNING experience. isn't that the most important thing? that i actually learned something from all of this. i believe it is. now i don't have any "one" person, i probably never will, such is fate.
So now that i've been exiled to my own inner torment, how are you???
Today at breakfast my colleages (women aged 28,41,41) talk about sex. Twas funny to hear them talk about oral this and endurance that. i lent my two cents talking about "friendships with benefits." Unbeknownst to me, the 28yr old has a few boy-toys on the side. is EVERYONE having sex but me???
However she also stated that she wants something PERMANENT.
The more i think about it, marriage to me sounds like eating the same cereal for the rest of your life. the whole aisle is full of tasty choices, why not try a few or ALL?
Cap'n Crunch
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5/25/00 School's out for summer |
it's almost mythical, almost surreal. the end of the school year is always a bitter sweet experience. To this we bring the sadness of memories, the laughter that causes tears.
it's the amalgam of a years worth of thoughts, and feelings.
There's nothing quite like it, the subjective nature of the
experience. if you've been there then you know what i'm talking about. As much as someone might say they "hate" school, it's always sad when it's over.
For seniors especially, 12+ years rolled up into one final night of cap, gowns and Pomp&circumstance. The lasting memories, the drunken revelry, the thoughts of the unispired.
it's magical. Sitting on the stands this time, instead of the field seven years ago. I watched my brother graduate. Full of pride and jealousy. So much life ahead, so much life behind.
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5/22/00 Magical Mystery Tour |
At what price UNDERSTANDING?
How can one man's wild weekend expand the mind and the perception of reality? It's strange, but something is there-even if one is just a witness. Maybe not tangible, but visual almost empathic.
The Zoidian's journeys are to seek a greater understanding. A unified vision of the universe around him. Life force, energy and perception moving in harmony. Almost musically, taking possession of the individual. It's not easy to understand, much less describe. Maybe some things are best left unsaid.
Coming back from a Smashing Pumpkins concert is almost a post-coital experience. Tired, sweaty and happy you tread home with a goofy grin on your flustered face. However, I guess i've come to expect more than what i got. Which by any other band's standars was a good concert. I still wanted MORE-I guess this was a good belated birthday gift though.
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5/18/00 Quarter life Crisis |
you know, i wasn't even going to go to work today.
i was going to sit and lament my "age".
still, i decided to go to work and make the best of it.
Mrs. Geenen, the first teacher i saw had a cake for my birthday.
The 2nd teacher gave me a kudos bar but at least the
thought was in it. she also told me i could "do
better" than kim. Which i must admit felt good.
Then Elsa and Nitty treated me out to lunch.
they're women in their 40's so they know what it's
like to be at the crossroads of youth and adulthood.
we talked and i see that i'm still not too old to do
something with my life. i can accept life a little better now.
i just needed to be told i'm normal and that i
was appreciated.
I can say today isn't the end, it's just a
change-it's just a number. so i feel better now, no more suicidal threats, no lamenting. 24 was a fabulous, wonderful
year. now i have to make this one match it. If i've learned anything in this quarter century is that you never know what tomorrow may bring.
From the body and mind of a 25 year old lost admist the sands of time and the desert.
We've seen them grow up and grow old. They graduated high school when I graduated from mine. We shared the trials and tribulations of the kids from Beverly Hills. Indeed it was a phenomenon when it debuted 10 years ago. Those who were in high school could relate to those characters, and the family from Minnesota. Now it's coming to a much needed end, as it has mutated into a watered down soap opera. The incestious dating habits of it's lead characters, the undeveloped story lines got to the point of ridicule. Still, it will be remember as a staple of my viewing diet of the 1990's.
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5/15/00 Mountain or Molehill?
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So here we go:Have you ever found yourself lying in
bed tossing and turning restlessly, your mind locked
in an eternal battle with a questions which seem to
have no answer? This question may be "Is my bed
supposed to be wet?" or "Why does Amy own all the Hallmarks?" or "Are Bert and Ernie really just friends?"
my brother graduates next week. I'm feeling old.
time waits for no one, and yet '93 doesn't seem THAT
far away. Then again seven years does, i tend to forget in my old age.
So much i want to see and do and have done to me.
i want to travel, maybe get myself a temporary cutie.
something to get me over the hump, but maybe that
just creates a bigger mountain.
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5/12/00 "just a little misunderstood"
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Ever wake up at dusk? When you're so disoriented (and probably hungover) that you don't know whether it's 6pm or 6am? It's an uncommon feeling but not one i'm stranger to.
As per my last post, i do find myself being more envious. Or maybe just jelaous. The weight of every day increases just enough to be noticed. Maybe it's the heat, maybe boredom setting in. Slightly bemused by total rejection, on our way into the night.
i graduated from ASU two years ago today. In that time you'd think i would've achieved something of measure. That i've accomplished this and that, etc. but i haven't.
The big TWO-FIVE looms in the horizon. nine more days till i hit the quarter century mark.
And if that wasn't bad enough...
my brother had his prom over the weekend. My sister had a date that night also. What did i do that night? i took & picked her up from the movie theater. aren't i pathetic? my younger siblings have more of a lovelife than i do!
Depression once again from what i cannot control.
so the doomsayer's were wrong once again. Planet earth is still alive and kicking. defeating the allmighty gravitational pull of the sun and four other planets.
Cinco de Mayo is also here, meaning free food, cervesas, margueritas and tequila shots await the debauchery of thousands of phoenix residents. As if friday night alone wasn't enough reason.
Ouch.
my wisdom teeth are busting through my lower gums. it's hell i tell you-especially since my bottom ones they're coming crooked and i will have to get them surgically removed. i have insurance but it's still gonna cost a shitload of money.
oh, i saw the new NIN video last night, starfuckers
trent is riding around in a beat up limo with a faceless blonde. gets off at some white-trash trailer/amusement park. throws cd's into the toilet-last one being 'mechanical animals'. destroys plates with celebrity faces on them(manson is 1st, then mariah, michael stipe and others), he throws a baseball at a bust of himself and another of billy corgan. lastly there's a huge fat woman, with needle marks and nose-job bandages wearing a cupie-doll dress a la Courtney Love and he dumps her into a vat of water labled 'toxic'. at the end the blonde woman riding with him turns out to be marilyn manson itself. tres interesting.
life is it's usual self, i'm afraid.
i took the pain and wrote a sappy poem about it. not that *she* would ever care.
Nothing is sacred. there's no friendship you can't count on, no trust that can't be broken. it's time for me to give up on all of this. if not forever-for several months/years. i honestly can't see the reason to continue spending money/effort/time on a future heart break. i just ending up kicking myself later on.
life goes on. i may never have another girl that'll "fall in love" with me. right now i can handle that, i actually welcome that. it's a vicious circle that keeps repeating itself and i'm trying in females using me till something better comes along. i can't hold on to the past, as much as i would like to. it's gone and only the memories and tears remain. time to let go of that. i think that's what is hurting me. not wanting to forget the times we shared. the nights when she would hold me till i fell asleep. she apparently could, why can't i?
i've realized that nothing lasts forever. people change, feelings change. life goes on and you have to adapt to it. i have to change my ways or end up holding my journals and crying ourselves to sleep forever.
"come to me, with wounds you want to heal.
i'll try to listen and i'll try to understand the way you feel"
-LUSH-
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4/28/00 Fleeting happiness
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nostalgia: from the Greek words nostos(homecoming) and algos(pain).
I haven't known any other sense for the past month other than to reminisce old memories. To the times coated with gold, at least in my mind, when life seemed a million times easier.
A lot like driving forward with your eyes glued to the rearview mirror. Though just for today i'm allowing myself to sink into the rapture of the past. It's a fleeting experience-but the present hasn't been very good to me anyway. The sun isn't shining, the birds aren't singing. But right now it doesn't matter-i have the memories to bring a smile to my tearstained face-if only for now.
Today i received a postcard, from some old acquaintances (ie Jenn & Valerie). It was sublime and surreal. Seeing some words i wrote for their band in print. Maybe it? not healthy. But it? whatll get me through the night. And today is all that matters.
So once again the boredom has set in, the mistakes of the past are replaying in my mind like a movie. Seldom are growing experiences painless-though I feel I?e had my share already. I kick myself for letting someone else do that to me. Friendships are gone-ebbed like the tide. It? almost painful-the thought of trying again. All to be left behind for "greener-pastures".
Basically she kept me around until a replacement was found? What am I? A defective tire? A disposable friend? I would have never done that to her. Even when she told me about her new boyfriend I wanted to remain friends with her.
Such is life, the way it? been and always will be. Who am I to argue against the forces of nature? Just another soul in a plethora of people who've been hurt by those they love[d].
One of the most debilitating things in trying to get over the hurt are the memories. Such as songs, pictures, letters, and emails (and a video) where she declares her love and desire for me. I have so many items that bring tears to my eyes now. Movie stubs from our dates, pictures and CD? that automatically transport me back to that time.
karmic retribution-if only i knew when it was going to happen. just for one moment to know that she is aching like i'm aching. which brings me to another point-why am i going thru this? why is karma being a bitch to me? am i playing karmic hot potato with her. damn, i hate not knowing.
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4/23/00 Easter-the pain you bring
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i'mabouttobitchsoifyoucan'tstanditjustdon'treadanyfurther'k?
right now i am so upset and depressed that i'm just holding on by distracting myself. once i have nothing else to do, i will crash. I will take what i have of me and probably cry myself to sleep. i feel so betrayed and hurt by someone who i thought i could trust. Someone who i told the secrets i've never told anyone else. Someone who said they "loved me", someone who promised they would never hurt me. Who went as far as saying next time we were together she would propose to me.
Last night after some serious drinking and reminiscing i decided to look kim up. I found that she has broken my trust and completely expelled me from her fucking life. All of this without so much as a "good bye".
I'm reeling and i'm hurting. i don't even care if she has a boyfriend. it's not about *that*. it's about having a friend to fall back on when times get tough. someone who knows you, and them just abandoning you. casting you off like yesterday's boy-toy.
lately my friendships have ebbed and rarely flowed. i feel that everyone is leaving. This is both true of my real-life friends and my internet acquaintances. it is an emptying experience-the walls of my foundation are crashing around me. i don't know who i can put faith in anymore.
this is of course the subjective experience of someone who's hurt. maybe things will be different tomorrow. nevertheless the fact remains that everything that kim told me was a lie. that i can't trust anyone because it will eventually come back to haunt me. that someone who i've cried with, turned around and disowned me. someone who said they would never hurt me. who went as far as saying next time we were together she would propose to me.
she was my safety net and you know what? she pulled out during my freefall.
i can no longer trust women. not fully, not ever.
those that i've revealed my true inner-self with have used it against me when it was convenient.
i'm ready to throw in the towel. ready to give up on ever "having anyone special". i just can't see it happening and the last two times have just left me worse off than before, when i was alone.
i feel as hollow as an Easter chocolate bunny.
thank you for listening
painfully yours
me
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4/22/00 Time is not on my side
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a year ago last night, (or 2 nights if you count leap year's) i saw the pumpkins at the celebrity theater. That night, I shook hands with billy. I touched the man, the myth, the hardest working white man in show business.
how quickly time flies by. And here we are, another Easter is upon us, girls in flower dresses, boys in pastels. Suburbia looking like puke on a kaleidoscope. And all i have to say today is: Don't eat too many jellybeans, and beware of bunnies bearing gifts.
I've been neglecting sleep for the last few nights. Staying up with my new girlfriend/laptop. Bullshiting and downloading porn. Goddamn! i love this thing.
I'm getting those black circles under my eyes like a tweaker. not good, not good.
Now i'm getting depressed because in less a month I turn the dreaded TWO-FIVE. I can feel a stress headache coming coming on.
No money, no girlfriend and my dreams are withering on the vine.
The gf situation doesn't bother me too much, relationships are sometimes more work and trouble than they're worth. the money issue is getting on my nerves. But hte worst thing is that I can feel my scred chamber of dreams being torn down brick by brick by the evil forces of reality and jadedness.
Lyf Sux-wait you knew that, didn't you?
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4/17/00 sweet songs of non-sense
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It's pointless to obsess on nosense. It's an excercize in futily to ponder over topics like Love, Life and God's great silence. More than that, it will drive you insane. Let the poets and philosophers handle that. Let the musicians create the wistful ballads that turn hate into exquisite longing.
Enter if you dare, Exit if you can. I'm too exhausted to think.
"destroy the myth, Love, destroy it before i die. Let me be happy, let me see the sky once again. Just knowing it is gone."
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4/15/00 dreamless sleep again
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My life is an extended episode of Daria.
Way too many people I know are throwing the term Carpe Diem at me. It seems to be *the* phrase to utter amond the disenfranchised, brooding poetic types being oppressed by their comfortable suburban sorroundings. I am living proof of the Chaos Theory: the randomness and interconnectedness of all things. Life, the dreamless sleep of an esoteric existence.
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4/12/00 so *this* is happiness?
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i'm feeling pretty happy, and all it took was a half a day of work and a 3,000+ toy. woo hoo! if only i could keep it forever. 400Mhz, DVD player...in the words of Ferris Bueller "it's so choice, if you have the means, i highly recommend picking one up."
The only things that would make me happier are sex and tix to Europe. My destiny is there, it's in my blood. The romantic, the historic, the just plain cool-as-shit mystery of it all.
now, i'm off to play with $3,200 worth of taxpayer provided computer goods (ie my new laptop).
thinker, dreamer, crier
-a-
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4/10/00 Muse Intoxication
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so here i am, another monday. Working fo' da man every night and day...
on the outside i appear to be glutton for punishment. perpetually casting myself into the fires of lust and impossibility. yearning to burn in them, yearning to arise from the charcoal, always newer and more wonderful but never fully satisfied. always thirsty and starving for more. seeking something else, believing that whatever comes next will mercifully erase what i have already been.
to what ends? i don't know-i still find new things about myself. being lonely is relevant-sometimes i really don't mind. it gives me time to think. sometimes, however, it aches like a migrane headache. Now, not very-only if i think about it. As long as you have something to keep you occupied. Life's a strange thing, just when we learn to use it-it's gone.
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4/8/00 "Where angels fear to tread"
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i'm a city boy, i NEED the creature comforts. that may sound shallow, but i need to know that i have food, clean clothes, microweave ovens, CD players, computers and toilet paper for tomorrow. it's just a case of the devil i know VS the devil i don't. i don't want to be someone who used caution too soon and carelessness too late in life. to live in fear is not to live at all, right?
i think the romantic allure of being 'on the road' has more to do with adventure and having someone to share the experiences with than starving. My destiny calls and I go
whatever doesn't kill us...
Quixotically yours, aM
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4/5/00 "To Wish, Wish is dangerous"
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The frenzy of another day is wearing thin on me. So much i could be doing other than "work". Like traveling, or writing or creating something of immaculate brilliance, unique, beautiful and ALL mine.
As spoken by someone wiser than her age:"
Every second that passes its a second closer till we are gone, a second closer to loving, a second closer to hating. Why not enjoy the moment we are in now, for it was a second ago that you wasted. Go climb the highest mountain, kiss the daring lips, cry with the rain in a cafe in Paris."
i should go to europe, somewhere on the main continent must be some euro-hottie. someone without fucked-up american ideals. who will speak with some sexy accent and floor me with their looks, charm, etc. just a dream i suppose.
now i have to go back to the real world. it was a pleasure to suspend reality with you for a while.
lovingly surreally yours,
me
The wisdom of the ages passed down for us to make sense of life in the new millennium. I wonder if Descartes, Voltaire, Wilde or Sartre knew how influential their words would be? Some people i know think only in quotes.
I'm afraid sometimes they don't provide the needed epiphany.
Just when i'm getting the 'hang' of this thing called life-it'll turn out to be a ruse. More questions than answers, just another rung in the ladder of grown-up-ship.
but there are things worth living for, one's that appear just out of reach. Regardless you keep a little hope for those rainy days when nothing seems to go your way. Like friendship or acquaintanship even though we at times take it for granted.
I should take note, to allow aloofness to be my rebirth.
To create that renaissance of Nihilism that others pull off so well. It's a cold cruel world out there.
It's life at its most draining/charming/brutal/strange, its seductiveness constantly siphoning off little bits of me EVERYDAY.
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4/1/00 "Proud like a god"
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My high horse broke its leg and I had to put it out of its misery. Through hardship and ego crushing reality i have become a better listener, a more understanding person and a more compassionate human being.
Ah, I needed that laugh, I still judge everyone always, but never out loud. I still hold people in contempt and as usual different than me. I'm just as selfish and self centered as the next person-or more so. Right now I'm just pissed because
I have wasted time and effort over the last two weeks for absolutely nothing. Well, it's really my fault for not learning from my mistakes.
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3/30/00 "i don't want to grow up..."
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I don't think i have accomplished enough for someone my age.
My mind replays old movies of my life in my weary head.
i CONSTANTLY reflect and reminisce at my high school days. life was so much easier, everything ahead looked so bright and full of hope. What the hell happened anyway?
suddenly, everyone i knew GREW UP and became an adult. Except for me of course, i spend ungodly amounts of time listening to 80's music and looking for excuses to feel like a kid again.
Even though i hit the quarter century in May. I always thought I would be a reflection of responsibility now. Needless to say, all I want to be is a Toys R' Us kid.
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3/29/00 like a flashback to 1992
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have you ever gotten a strange email? you open it up and it's the last person in the world you'd think would contact you?
that happened to me today, i just had an email from this girl i knew back in high school. i didn't recognize her because she married and changed her name.
But it was definitely surreal.
That's the kind of serendipity i live for, life's is full of surprises. And not just the kind visited by the Fucked Up Fearie. Right Cielidh?
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3/28/00 "Polished to the Nth degree"
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"Some people with great virtues are disagreeable,
While others with great vices are delightful"
-Duc de La Rochefoucals
There are certain people who seem unattainable by several means.
Therein lies the attraction, 'can i have them just once?'.
You wonder what it is about them. As if they all came from some mythical nation of Eleanor Rigby's that lies just beyond the threshold of perception. It's a frustrating hypothesis of reluctance and bygone possibility. Sometimes talking to girls is like listening to the adults on a Peanuts special. I can't really make sense of much.
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3/26/00 "Sweety, Dah-ling"
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from Gordon-Biersch beer to lemon shots, to a jungle juice tasting concoction, to mixed raspberry stoli w/ Canada Dry. (yummy, yummy,yummy) Last night felt like an episode of Absolutely Fabulous.
i was edina and roxanne was patsy. we ate dinner at the Hard Rock then watched 'the breakfast club' and got way wasted on the mixed stoli-it goes down so smooth you never realize it till you're fucked up. we didn't stop till 4:30am and i had to be at work today at 9am. i also woke up early on sat to go for the pumpkin tix ($66 damn dollars for 2)needless to say right now i'm running off the alkie fumes. so i'm sorry if this made no sense.
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3/24/00 Intellectual Atrophy
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i REALLY need to converse w/ intelligent people before my brain festers into goo. it's hard to find stimulating 'near-by' people with which to have a meeting of the minds. So tonight's topic:
BAD BOYS, girls want them, boys want to be them. it takes more than just petty vandalism and copious drugs though. it requires a mise-en-scene of personality/mystery and the ability to seduce with a mere look.
you can't really fake it, you can't drink iced tea out of a jack daniel's bottle and call it whiskey. it's all or nothing.
jim morrison may not have been a nice person but, damn if he wasn't iconic and cool as shit. he had *it*, like james dean, young elvis and axl rose.
pumpkins tix go on sale tomorrow morning-ugh. i AM going to see them. i'll have to go stand in line with teenyboppers wating for n'suck. unfortunately, it's a lawn show. no seats-that REALLY sucks and it'll be 100+ outside. so i'll be sunburnt and dehydrated. i WILL NOT spend 2 on water! not again.
i saw Hole there last year, i was crushed and couldn't really enjoy the show-though i did see up courtney's dress about 80 times(who hasn't?). i'll probably just stay in the back by choice. i've been spoiled as 3 out of 4 of my last concerts (i was no more than 5 rows back) but i should live.
right now i'm just thankful for the weekend.
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3/22/00 obfuscation yet again
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Last night I chatted with Roxanne, we came to a conclusion.
Simply put, I don't trust women, but i need them as friends for sheer perspective reasons. FEMALES boggle my mind. Women have Nth amount of reasons and hidden agendas. There are girls want to seduce a guy to either prove they can to themselves or others. Some do it because they want to make their ex's jealous, still others do it to get over someone.
At least with men all we want is sex-it's simple, it's expected.
The female mind is like Iraq, a region you don't go into unless you're carrying protection and have the proper training.
It's something i won't attempt, it's beyond my level of comprehension.
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3/20/00 fake it thru another day
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some people give things up for religious reasons, like lent.
i'm not sure just what for, but they do. others give something up for self improvement or self restraint. It's a means to an end i suppose. It's that kind of wisdom you gain by experience.
sometimes just faking it works. like being depressed yet showing a different persona when you need to, like at work.
i sometimes feel like i'm trying to go up on the down escalator. i'm moving, not so much to advance, but just to keep up the pace. and going up requires more effort than i'm willing to invest-at least right now.
St.Pumpkin day is upon us, Billy's turns 33 today. It also happens to be St.Patrick's day a day intended for everyone to wear green and drink similar colored beer. There really isn't a point is there?
Some people chose to spend their earnings partying, to each their own i suppose. The pious finger of blame won't be mine.
it's all about perspective and priorities i suppose.
i dare not ask what my ex's regret in leaving me. i would be too afraid of their responses. They've obviously found someone they consider 'better', so i doubt they miss me in any way, shape or form. why would they miss me when they have a replacement?
i experience the highest highs and the lowest lows. i need understanding in all levels: mental, physical, emotional. iseek those who's abundances match my deficits and vice versa. to form a puzzle-like perfect union with some "brooding artiste". emphasis on BROODING and ARTISTE please. where is hope sandoval when you need her?
i guess all of us dream of something. love, money, happiness. the joy of all sorrows-LOVE fulfillment through the worship of another. to the world they are one person, to one person they may be the world. a certain happiness in slavery.
Staying up drinking and talking till 3:20am can have it's advantages. Inspiration however, is not one of them.
I fear my Magnum Opus is suffering from some elephantine gestation period. I feel as though my talents are rotting on the vine. I'm lacking a muse. Someone to inspire me to write, to grow, to better myself. Heartache and sorrow can only get you so far. I need someone whose voice resonates like a song by The Cure; subliminous, metaphorical and just subjectively dark enough to make them interesting.
translucently yours
me
someone asked me what my type is. i have a lot of criteria.
a poet/writer, i love brooding artists. they speak to me in more than just one way. i yearn to find some funky singer/songwriter who relentlessly faces down her demons and cultivates her wild abandon. oh how i would love to have a girl that's in a band. i'm a grrrlband groupie! a film-maker would be cool too.
what dimensional plane do these people live in?
most of the time i look into someone's eyes and it's like "HELLO? is there anyone there?" they REALLY seem to not be anywhere near the planes of reality that i've come to suspect. like they operate on totally different rules. but they never give it any thought. it seems they don't give any thought to anything. like they do it automatically.
well, that sounds really judgemental, which is something i just need to put behind me. i just always wonder what makes others tick. i guess i'll never really know. actually it could be because i have so little contact with the real world that when i go into it it just blows my mind. i really have to get out more.
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3/6/00 Weather to write by
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The maelstrom of everyday life is magnified when you're alone. or feel as if you are. it's a numbing sort of pain.
existence is it's usual comtemplative self, the rain outside falls admist rushing cars, reminscent of a Mazzy Star song. The world moves in slow motion past 100 gas stations, 50 taco bells and 30 7-11's. only on the surface does life *appear* the same for everyone. The worst thing in life is to be ordinary
"Don't leave me lonely, don't leave me unhappy
just bring me up, into your fate
if you don't need me then don't deceive me
letting my freedom turn into stone"
Be My Angel -Mazzy Star-
my sister has always complained that she's a leap year baby and only has a 'real' birthday, every 4 years. Oh she who makes statements, like "awesome possum and neato burrito" was hoping for a special day. This being her Sweet 16 and all. A big fuzz was made, special gifts were bought and the best was made to make it a day she'll never forget.
Of course, some piece of shit, broke into my parents' house.
They broke down the door and destroyed everything, stealing CD's, money, jewelry, MY video camera, regular camera, and cash.
they didn't take the TV's, vcr's, or PC. So more than anything, this will be the day we were robbed, not her day.
for what it's worth, Happy Birthday Anais!
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2/25/00 "Where are we going?..." |
...and why are we in this handbasket?
when i was in high school, one of my favorite shows used to be 'the wonder years'. you wanna know why???
because all that show was about, was reminiscing.
the art of painting the past with gold and realizing, it was platinum! so here, we are if you can stand it, THESE are the best times of your/mine/our life. it's all going down hill from here. our dreams are just sand castles and the tides of reality are always ready to wash them away. but we either accept it and move on. or hide our heads like ostriches in our emotional ground.
appreciate the "now" before it gets worse. the perpetual beingness of "being" is only bad when you look at it today.
In 5 years you'll wish you were here. take it from someone who knows.
The more you know the less you believe.
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2/23/00 "Where birds sing" |
i've said it before and i'll say it again. happiness is a road, not a destination. NO dear funsters, i don't mean to sound like some motivational speaker ("livin' in a van down by the river"), i believe it's true.
i think only dreamers will understand that. you and i know that there is more to life than this. for us, the 4th wall is down. while other's go through life without ever asking "WHY?"
ignorance really is bliss.
dreams, to others they're the windmills we like Don Quixote aspire to conquer. to us, however they're our dragons, and that makes them important for us. for honor, truth and the hand of the lovely Dulcinea. that which gives us a reason to get up everyday and do it all over again.
lately i've felt as though i've been rotting-on-the-vine. Like i haven't accomplished enough leo/backstreet/britney have acheived so much more by the time they were my age.
sure, a lot of things are impossible. and we have an 'allan keyes chance in the presidential' race of getting them. but you know what? we have nothing better else to do. it's not exactly pointless, only to everyone else around them. it gives people a reason to live. maybe if we keep chasing it we'll reach it. or are we more like sharks? if we stop moving we die.
i've given up on plenty of my dreams, but some are still alive. this die-hard, little cynic still has some hope left.
maybe i'll start my band of angry, young men and spend my life
as a demi-god on a poster hanging on some 12 year old's bedroom. till i die of an overdose anyway.
-HEY, if michael jackson can have a white kid, ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE!
In the Amazon, a boa constrictor only needs one good meal.
With that meal it can live without feeding for up to a year.
Over the weekend the snake fed like it hasn't done in eight and a half months. Serendipity is that most wonderful of life's surprises. Bringing fate and seeming luck into the mix of everyday life. 2000 has so far been an interesting year.
Roxanne, one of my many internet acquaintances.
told me an interesting theory. It was about the Greek's formula for a hero. And as a public service announcement i feel it is my duty to share those words of wisdom with you.
first a man must achieve "arete" (there's an accent in there) which is excellence is comparison to yourself-- in other words, "know thyself". this is the first and most important key. after that comes "aristos" which is excellence in comparison to your peers. then "time" (another accent in there) which is the respect/admiration that your peers give you. and finally, you achieve "kudos" which is glory-- your story will be told long after you're dead. to them, it must be achieved in this order, which means that the essential part of becoming a hero to yourself and/or to others, was to really know yourself and shove everything else aside first.
Just something to think about.
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2/16/00 power of suggestion
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My job may not be greatest, but it does have it's perks. Today i could have talked to Barbara Bush. i decided to work, however the possibility was there. The pager and business cards make me feel like a big shot. I get to talk to some interesting and eclectic teachers. For example, yesterday at Desert Canyon, the teacher told his class that i played pro-soccer in brazil for a couple or years (lie). and they BELIEVED him! one of those girls already thinks i tried out for the backstreet boys (lie too) and she's asking me if i know brittney spears and all that. it's quite funny at times-the power of suggestion.
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2/14/00 Only lonely if you want to be
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i worked at Desert Mountain high school today. they took all the names of the students and faculty, put them on construction paper hearts and decorated the school with it. it was the coolest thing i've ever seen a school do for their students. it's a posh school, they should do that for their 2,300 kids.
no romantic interests but it's ok. it's a hallmark holiday anyway though i did get a stalker-ish postcard from someone. don't know who, nor am i interested. too creepy for me anyway. kind of strange for someone i don't know to call themselves my "sweet angel."
Valentine's Day, need i say more? It's time to reflect. To take personal inventory on how I've fared in the Mating&Hating
game over the years. How many times have i loved and lost? (let me count...carry the two...) Well probably more times than i loved and won or loved and tied. Still i'm not taking it personal this year. More than likely because i'm not interested in anyone. I've learnt that life is what you make of it. Not how many insincere cardboard cards and pepto bismol tasting hearts you get. It's about friendship and love between them. Even if I only have 'acquaintances' now. I can see the serene beauty of it all. This isn't the first and i'm sure it won't be the last Valentines day i'm alone. But accepting that for what it is makes it bearable.
i didn't expect anything and i wasn't let down. i mean if you don't expect anything from anybody you'll never be disappointed.
Happy Valentine's Day.
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2/10/00 Blue skies bring tears indeed
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greetings and salutations,
With all the touring the pumpkins have been doing lately.
it was finally Phoenix's turn.
Among 800 tired, sweaty, and smelly pumpkin fans, donning their ubiquitous black concert shirts, I waited under the arizona sun. sunburnt and teary eyed for 4hours trying to see our idols.
You see, the Pumpkins had changed their mind and instead of a 30min appearance and a 1 hour sign-in. they switched venues and plans. Instead of Zia's they decided to play two sets to satisfy the turn out. All this at the tempe 'club', Boston's. A dirty dive complete with bad parking and graffiti.
TV and radio stations covered the spectacle. mostly us standing around as cars honked and we dehydrated.
Zia was pre-selling MACHINA, a boucher for the CD and a Virgin promo CD with 'Everlasting gaze' and 1 song from each of their albums,(i am one, disarm, starla, bwbw, medelia of the grey skies and 'Waiting' an unreleased track from the Adore sessions. not a bad deal for 15bucks.
the band played acoustic renditions of 1979, 'i of the mourning', tonight-tonight, today, 'imploding voice', bullet w/..., 'blue skies bring tears'(played twice) they closed the first set with a 20+ year old Who song "join together"
the second set ended with the encores, 'ava adore', and 'cherub rock.'
billy played to the crowd chatting about his and melissa's birthday being on the same day six years apart. and that being the reason they got along so well and why they would conquer the world and destroy Britney Spears.
billy mentioned phoenix as one of their favorite stops (winning sincere brownie points from those in attendance).
to my best of guesses, since i didn't get in but had to listen to their outdoor performance under the desert sky from my car outside of the club.
I left work early, i stood in line, i sweated, got sunburnt and sore trying to save my car from the tow truck and the Tempe PD. and i didn't even get in.
just my luck...
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2/07/00 "Electric Uncle Sam"
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The smokey atmosphere smelled of cheap cigarrettes and even cheaper 4-dollar-a-cup beer. Sweaty people from all ages talked in a cacophany of sound. All here for tonight's PRIMUS.
After the Korn-ish opening act, P.O.D., the lights dimmed and fans shouted "Primus SUCKS!". They began playing and it wasn't too long before people were throwing joints and ice cubes at the band. People and spit were next. They darted from the left and right. Escaping bouncers by jumping into the crowd.
The band still managed to play some songs, including "Jerry was a race car driver" and "My name is mud". They managed to put up with a lot of crap, but enough was enough. especially when a 300lbs bastard made his fat ass up to the stage. Interesting evening nonetheless.
Well, i've survived another week at work, quite literally. With all those death threats high schools have been getting lately, it's a surprise. Of course our district, one of the-if not the richest in state, neglected to pay my pager bill.
Yes, tell me I'm not working for a taxpayer institution.
Even though, i've had my share of bad news this weekend (see, Kim) i can still smile. Why?
Because my favorite band The Smashing Pumpkins are doing a meet&greet and the Zia on 8th ave(ghetto superstore). Happiness is 6 days away. Who needs a girlfriend when you've got SP?
There's only a few things that hurt more than when someone you trust, doesn't trust you back. When someone you've shared so much with, drifts away.
There's a void and it's growing bigger. For all the things you've ever said. For all that you've ever done. they are slowly sinking into it. There will come a day, we won't even pick up the phone to call and talk, and just say "Hi".
What hurts is that you didn't think i could be your friend if you had a boyfriend. It's completely fine. I'm not (repeat), am NOT jealous. Just envious-you've had several people and i still can't. nor ever will. No big deal, i'm used to it.
But for you to throw the "upper class pretty boy" thing to my face was really uncalled for. I do not deserve that, and someone who was a friend wouldn't do that to me.
If you can't believe that i can be happy for you both, fair enough, that's your problem not mine. I can sincerely hope for a civil friendship or a civil end to what once was. It's your choice. I have tried my best to be there for you. As you were when i needed someone the most. If it ends then it ends. Been there and done that. But you want me, you know where i'm at.
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1/30/00 One Cat to another
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My inspiration and muse is the unknown
The Pumpkins are the perfect subjective amalgam. Like a painting by Dali or Mark Ryden everyone has their impression of it.
I hope i'm not tooting my own horn, but i sometimes get an email from a soul that has been here. Rarely one as eloquent as the one i received yesterday
"[...]lastly because I checked out your web page and found it surprisingly intelligent all things being relative, you know).
AOL kicked me off the web before I could read very much, but the general impression I got was one of the desire to know accompanied by the knowledge that one cannot know, or that perhaps there is nothing to be known. A sort of convergence between the idealist and the cynic."
Grayswandir
Those are the kind of emails that make my public confessions worth it. That make what this is worth while.
today i drove for 20miles to get to my conference. 40min of driving! i'm used to it, however i'm usually on the posh side of town. Today, I was in the 'hood. To ASUWest, were they don't even have the state press.
Past the transients and the crackheads. Past the cheapest strip clubs you could imagine. These places were the trailer park of strip bars. They would have to pay me to see those girls.
It's an adventure you would never want to have, and
i have to do the same tomorrow.
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1/24/00 "Follow your bliss"
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Control Freak:something lazy people call someone with standards.
I've been called pedantic and arrogant. Fair enough, I guess at times I have been. Virtuosos with havenly insight cannot always intergrate their day-to-day interactions with others. Splendor and rot are often mixed inextricably together.
My job is affording me the opportunity to do what i do best; judge others. Tomorrow I'm going to be a judge at a Spelling-B. You have to start somewhere and they've found my calling.
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1/20/00 You're in luck (Urine luck?)
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lately i've been feeling trapped in an MC Echerish a 'isthiswhatlifeisallabout-ism'. like working, NOT living. not absorbing the beauty and the ugly that is life. not being satisfied with my situation at any level (ie; money/lovelife/general malaise). It's a maddening thing. but so is life.
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1/17/00 Stickin' it to The MAN
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The absolute beauty, if you can find one, of working for the government is that you get perks like today. A Monday, a working day by any other means. But not for me, no sir, today is MLK day.
Meaning the good taxpayers of Arizona, are paying me to sit here and write to you. Sometimes life's beautiful
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1/1/2000 Awaken in the future
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Happy New Year.
My millennium night started out with nothing to do. The fear of Y2K seized after midnight struck throughout Europe. I watched the world ring in the new year on CNN.
Eventually i made my way to adam's house. A party was happening at the house of Barry Goldwater's grandson's house. A sort of homecoming/millennium night soiree for Arcadia Alumni. It's better than nothing i suppose since i was stood up by Kim for the only night i ever wanted a date. I suppose we'll all lie to our grandchildren about where we were when the Millennium struck twelve.
Ten… Nine… Eight… Seven… Six…
I’m seeking that epic, earthshaking moment. The Pearl Harbor attack, the Hiroshima A-bomb, the first man on the moon, the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. I’m seeking that live telecast that leaves me frozen in my seat, jaw dangling; that moment that changes everything. The FUTURE
Five… Four… Three… Two…
So far, my luck has been rotten. I have yet to be present at that transfixing life-changing event that is later deemed important enough to have chapters dedicated to it in children’s history books. Standards are made by it, lessons are learned from it, movies are made about it. That’s what I need, and oh man… Y2K was going to do it for me.
One…
And what? Where are my computer meltdowns? Where are my terrorist explosions? Where are my power-outages, plane-crashes, militia uprise, fear, hunger, looting, riots, insurrection, and general chaos, confusion and carnage? Where is that would-be infamous Y2K bug that promised to fulfill my media dreams? Why can I even type this message? Am I destined to live in the age just after all of the great moments that I seek? An age with no great feats to accomplish or injustices to mend.
I guess not much changes. I'm old enough to remember the future as it glazed my eyes on TV. As a child i dreamt of the year 2000 as the futuristic utopia of The Jetsons. But i guess just surviving up to this point is enough. What does the future hold? More importantly what does MY future hold. I'm afraid to ask.
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