NEW FORM LETTER FOR SINGLE WOMEN
This goes out to any woman who's had to reject any losers. Now
we have a form letter to send out.
Dear (name)
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the
competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come
available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following
reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I
can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been
at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for
something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one
about myself.
___Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my
pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably
be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition
from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of
Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to
suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am
seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you
should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical
inches, please resubmit your application.
___The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as "must
see TV" demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence
requirements.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business
trip.
___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Your Name)
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