MY LIFE - JANUARY

Thursday, January 11, 2001

I wasn't going to write today because I had the day off and nothing was going on, but I now feel compelled to based upon a conversation that I was having with this girl I talk to online. This goes back to last week when we were talking and she told me something that she should have told me a lot sooner and then got upset over how I reacted.

Things eventually smoothed out and I thought that the whole thing was done and over with, that I wouldn't have to go through a serious of questions that put me in a position I didn't want to be in. I thought that she understood where I was coming from and why I was somewhat upset over what happened. Just about a week passed before we talked again today.

She continued to ask me if I was upset and I told her I wasn't. I told her that today was just a day where I really didn't have anything to say, that I didn't really feel like talking that much. She tried to get me to talk about things and tried to ask me things, but I didn't really have any answers for her. I just didn't feel like it and she must not have understood me or believed me.

She asked me again if I was upset (I told her no again) then told me she was going to let me go because it was clear I didn't want to talk to her. By this point, I was starting to get a little mad. I had already told her that it wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her, I just didn't feel like talking to anyone at all in general. It's just that kind of day for me. It happens to me and my attempt at explaining this went in one ear and out the other apparently.

I told her I was sorry, but it was just one of those days for me. She answered with an okay, whatever kind of deal and that sealed it for me. You don't say something like that to a person that you're supposedly friends with and she said it. She made it clear that she didn't believe me and that she thought I was still upset over the previous conversation. I put my instant messenger on "Away" so that I didn't have to deal with her or anyone else. She tried to send me another message, but the autoresponse took care of it.

So right now I have no idea what she thinks. My autoresponse said to e-mail me if anyone wanted to say something to me, so maybe she wrote me. I don't know. I haven't checked my e-mail yet today and probably won't until before I go to bed anyway. Even if she wrote me to say what she felt, I don't know what I'd say in response.

I'm just mad because she wouldn't believe me or try to understand where I was coming from. Most people who talk to me know that I have days where I just don't feel like talking or have anything to say and they understand this about me. It's usually a couple times a week where I feel like this. It's just how I am naturally. I don't do it to piss people off or make anyone mad.

Today has been a day where I haven't felt like talking to anyone. I'm just not really in the mood and I'm really not in the mood to try and solve anyone's problems or answer too many questions. She wanted me to answer questions and get in depth with her on a couple of issues she was having and I didn't want to do that. Today just isn't the day for that. I'm not even trying to be mean, just make it clear that today isn't a good day for me to have big long discussions on things.

I really hate that whatever thing though. It would have been one thing if she had just written "ok," but she added a whatever to it and I HATE that word. It's the most obvious sign that someone doesn't believe you and doesn't want to hide the fact. I was willing to say goodbye on a nice note, but she didn't want anything to do with it so I basically closed the window and put the away message up.

I hate being mean like that too because she is a nice girl, but I'm not going to deal with that kind of attitude from anyone unless I really care about them. Her, I only talk to online because she lives near Columbus. I have no problem being friends with her, but anything beyond that really isn't part of the picture for several reasons, all of them personal, and things I'd rather not get into on this site.

It amazes me because this all started over a fucking picture. She sent me a picture and I told her she was an attractive girl. At the time, she said she hadn't really changed. Then a couple days later, she tells me she's gained a lot of weight and doesn't like anything like she did in the picture. This was a bomb that was dropped on me and I wasn't ready for that.

Then she got mad at me and demanded to know why appearance matters to guys so much anyway and said that a couple of guys she knows were dating girls for things other than appearance. I really didn't want to answer this for a few reasons, but made an attempt at it anyway. Fact is, I don't feel attracted to girls that are seriously overweight. It usually tells me that the girl doesn't take care of herself and doesn't live very healthy. It's not even that much about how a girl looks when she's overweight because there a lot of overweight girls that are very pretty. It just isn't healthy.

I thought that I had managed to calm her down and smooth things out, but I guess I was wrong. I know it's not a good thing that guys don't usually like overweight girls, but it's something that exists in the world. It's just not attractive to me and I'm sorry if it makes me less of a good person for feeling that way. I don't hate people who are overweight. I have no problem talking to them and being friends with them, I'm just not interested in dating someone who's overweight.

In her case, I understood why she had put on a lot of weight. She had been through surgery on her knees and really couldn't move around much for a long time. I can understand putting on weight in that circumstance. I was making an exception for her because there wasn't much she could do.

I don't know though. This is just a mess right now and I've only been talking to her for a couple weeks. I hate thinking that someone's mad at me, but I can't make concessions on things I don't believe in. She was continually putting me on the spot with her questions and made me feel very uncomfortable. Don't ask me why guys do the things they do because I don't really know the answer. It's hard enough to explain myself much less guys in general, yet she continued to ask me things like that.

My big issue here is her not believing me though when I told her I didn't feel like talking. I feel that it was unnecessary for her to make assumptions about me or anything I was feeling. I'm not someone who will lie to anyone just so they can hear what they want to hear. If I was really mad at her, I would've told her. Her first mistake was to think that I hadn't been online because I was mad at her.

Now obviously I've been online since the conversation that started this all, but I haven't been getting online until after midnight most of the time. She seemed to forget that I work a lot of nights and getting on earlier than 11pm on a weekday is usually a miracle. The fact that I was online tonight was because I was off of work and wanted to do some catch up work on my web site. I told her this and thought that she understood.

Right now I'm just in a bad mood because of this. I hate thinking someone's mad at me, at the same time, what else could I say or do? I wasn't lying to her and I wasn't trying to be mean, I just told her what I felt and tried to get her to understand. I feel mad and terrible at the same time.

I just wish she would've believed me and not gotten nasty with her response. But things like that can't be avoided sometimes and I just have to realize she probably won't speak to me again. I'm not happy with that, but if this is how things are going to go, then I accept that. I don't want to talk to someone who isn't going to understand, who isn't going to believe me when I tell them something.

It just won't work as a friendship.

Now why did I write about this? Because I just feel better releasing what's inside of me even though this doesn't actually allow me to convey my feelings as well as I would hope. I feel a little easier knowing that I tried to work this mess out even though it probably hasn't been. Maybe reading this in the future will allow me to see where I might have made a mistake and learn from it so I don't repeat it.

I just needed to vent a little and I feel better now knowing that I tried to work things out. As much as I hate thinking that I might have lost a friend, I realize that maybe it's just how this is meant to work out. I still feel terrible (despite only knowing her for a week and still dealing with her wrath), but know that there wasn't much I could say or do to change how things have gone.

If she still wants to talk in the future, fine. If not, then that's how it will have to be. I have other people I feel closer to anyway for me to worry about a girl I'd almost certainly never meet.

Life's too short to worry about what if's anyway.