MY LIFE - JANUARY

Wednesday, January 10, 2001

The new motto at my store is I.O.B. It stands for "In Out & Back" which basically means the customers come in, we get them out quickly with good service, then they come back. My manager isn't exactly thrilled with this, but he wants a good promotion so he's game for it which means we pretty much have to make an effort to at least support the motto.

He made the mistake of asking us for ideas on how to get the customers out quickly and convince them they should come back. The ideas started coming, but we seemed to forget about the part where they come back to us. That was a little trickier for us to think about. We have all sorts of great ideas on getting rid of them, but the ideas usually were based around the idea that you don't come back to our store.

Some of the ideas that we came up with were rather silly, others bordered on us being classified as mentally insane. One idea went back to how I was feeling yesterday after working 11 hours (which was insane in itself). I had degenerated down to the point where I was telling everyone I wanted to go up on the roof and snipe every customer that I saw that I didn't like (which yesterday meant just about all of them). So my idea was to set up snipers on the roof and shoot pellets near the customers so that they get their asses in their cars and out of the parking lot quickly.

Jim's idea was based on a similar premise. The customers come in, they get what they're looking for, and they get rung out. After ringing them out, he said we should be able to pull a gun out and point it at them and tell them to get out now.

Like I said, some of the ideas got really disturbing. You could tell some of us had worked way too much this week. Steve didn't really say anything about our ideas, which was probably a good thing since he'd probably only make things even more disturbing. Paul tried to be funny again, but he just can't change his voice so that it sounds right. He ends up sounding like a record that's scratched.

I had some other ideas too. One of them, which borders on being fun and insanely dangerous, involves attaching a giant sling shot near the entrance to the store. When the customer's done shopping, they step in front of the sling and rest against it. Then they get propelled towards the entrance/exit and hit a huge padded wall that would be erected just outside the front of the store. Of course, this hinges on the doors opening in time for them to get out, otherwise you have a pretty good size mess on your hands.

Or you can set them up in a giant cannon and turn them into human cannonballs. People would come back because it would be fun, at least in theory. If there was an accident, you'd have a public relations mess on your hands, but what the hell? It's all in the name of profits and good fun.

I hate it when this company tries to provoke us into coming up with good ideas. They don't seem to realize that we're not working for them strictly because we love them and would never leave them, but rather we like who we're working with, we're familiar with the store we're at, and we're just too damn lazy to really find something better. CVS isn't exactly a rosy company at times and it can treat it's employees like dirt.

But anyway....I'm not going to badmouth CVS. It's not what I'm up for doing and I don't particularly like badmouthing anything (except in certain circumstances). I always end up feeling a little dirty and like a bad person.

I said yesterday that I read an e-mail that had all these rules that guys should follow (it was joke of the day, so I would take it that way when I repeat what I read). I'm going to repeat them here and add comments in after each one. There are a lot of them, so brace yourself. This could take a while for me to finish.

Rules and Instructions on Being a Man

01. Don't call. EVER.

That seems to be a popular one to follow, doesn't it? I've tried to call as much as possible, but never got any answer so it was assumed I wasn't calling. Not calling though? What kind of rule is that?

02. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out for herself.

This one doesn't even warrant a comment, now does it?

03. Lie.

Just what is so hard about being up front with a girl anyway?

04. Name your penis. Be sure it is something that is narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike."

I know guys who did that. I'm not shitting you either. Nothing more interesting than listening to a guy talk about his penis and then hear it has a name too. Please, don't tell me things like that.

05. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them or already gave it back to them.

The things a guy will do to get his ass out of trouble are amazing, aren't they? Again, I know guys who've used this excuse over and over again. The most amazing part? It sometimes works.

06. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.

My best friend used to do that all the time. Amazing the shit he'd say.

07. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.

Ugh

08. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

That's the rule to live by. Deny everything and know nothing (which for some guys, knowing nothing comes natural).

09. Lie.

10. Girls find it attractive if a guy has had more women than baths.

I just want to know how that might work? I know guys who'll shower three times a day and on the other end of the spectrum, I know someone who probably hasn't bathed in months.

11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help--don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

All of a sudden, the picture becomes much clearer. I guess I should stop asking for help then, huh?

12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

Then that slap you get must mean they're ready for play, right?

13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissable.

Another one that seems to be popular among guys. Girls, just how do you manage to put up with us?

14. THREE WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies mean big penis.)

Spitting, I just don't know. I must have done it for two hours in middle school before I figured out it wasn't exactly the most thrilling, or attractive thing you could do. I still don't understand it.

15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his own name in urine.

That's along the same line as being able to spit into a can, isn't it?

16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

I think men and women both play this game all the time. Something about someone's best friend I guess.

17. Tell her you will call. Then refer back to rule #1.

Is it really that hard a thing to do??

18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

Look like an ass. Girls will either avoid you or try and make you look as good as they think you can. At least that's the theory for some guys. I don't think it will always work.

19. Lie.

The number one rule apparently.

20. Deny everything. Everything.

It's the only way to live sometimes.

21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them--you're a man, remember?) They really want to know.

This wouldn't backfire, now would it? What do you do if they all like you too? Oh, I think I already know the answer to this one.

22. Don't have a clue.

When dealing with girls, this can be a give-in, right?

23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

It's probably safer that way anyway.

24. No means yes.

I think this a rule for girls too.

25. Yes means no.

I'm confused.

26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.

I may be getting a clue why I'm sick all the time.

27. If anyone asks, you've had sex in all possible positions and locations.

All locations?

28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak; sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

Just like prom, Valentine's Day, Sweetest's Day, and other things like that for guys. Just what is it with us sometimes?

29. Feelings? What feelings?

I don't think I even need to say anything on this one.

30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.

Guys get kind of testy over things like that. It's all that testosterone.

31. LIE I tell you!

I think I sense some desperation here.

32. Do not make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

I think there's a common theme developing here, but I'm not really sure just yet...

33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.

This one I know is true. It's amazing what kind of references we can come up with.

34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%.)

I'm sure a lot of guys do this. We have that kind of mindset. Just what the hell went wrong when man was made anyway?

35. Lie.

Is someone trying to tell me something?

36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.

There's just something about that word, isn't there? Just like "committment."

37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, then it's not really worth it.

Attention spans aren't that long for most guys. I'm one of them.

38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get here back...Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

Not so much a rule, but natural thing for some guys.

39. Lie.

40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.

Another one of those things that scares guys.

41. If you hurt someone, pretend to care. Don't.

Caring means you're sorry, and that just can't be the case.

42. Try to have a good memory, but it's okay if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and her eye color.

Just don't forget how to sweet talk her into forgetting you were such an asshole in the first place.

43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

Just make sure you watch your ass. Problems tend to bite every now and then.

44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

When in doubt, blame it on someone else.

45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

This would explain the blank look on a lot of guys' faces.

46. Lie.

47. Play with your food only if you're in a public place with people you don't know.

Mashed potatos and corn are best for this kind of thing. Ready, aim, and fire.

48. Play with your penis only if you're in a public place with people you don't know.

*Ahem*

49. If people express extreme disgust with whatever you're doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

Yes, the look of horror on someone's face is definitely worth the trouble, isn't it?

50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

Oh, then I'm off the hook, right?

51. You are male, therefore you are superior.

The power rush is invigorating, isn't it?

52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get Beer. Drink Beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

For some reason, I don't doubt that guys follow this rule.

53. Females do not care what you do to them as long they get to please you.

There are girls like this in the world. Kind of sad, isn't it?

54. Don't ever notice anything.

What?

55. If you're going out with someone but love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you're going out with falls in love with YOU.

Then be a mean, heartless son of a bitch for her to curse out the rest of her life.

56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

But why?

57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

Ohhh, I see.

58. Lie.

We're almost done.

59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, technically you've done nothing wrong.

Again, I know guys who live by rules like this.

60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

Seriously, I haven't cried hard in a long, long time. I think I used all my tears up when I was younger going through all the bullshit I went through.

61. If the question begins with "why," then the answer is "I don't know."

God, if that only actually worked.

62. Women are your napkins. Use them, then throw them away.

Goodness that sounds awful. How can some guys live with themselves?

63. Remember that every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

Inferiority complex? What inferiority complex?

64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

I hate it when people tell me that period. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Don't rub it in.

65. If a woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted door spot and others will worship your skills.

Your girlfriend will also never take you shopping again. She'll learn from that one, at least that's what most guys would hope.

66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, and laugh heartily.

Just make sure you laugh when you hurt yourself in the future.

67. If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

They won't ask you again, I guarantee it. Plus, they'll tell their friends so that will take care of them too.

68. Beer. Then more beer.

Then do some shots in case you haven't killed yourself already.

69. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask "is something wrong?"

It's the ignorance thing, isn't it?

70. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.

Just hope that she never figures it out.

71. Lie.

Okay, now we're almost done.

72. If you're on a date, and there's a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

While you're at it, try and remember the names of all the girls you were laid by too for a fun game that can be interactive.

73. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go and check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story)

Why? Can someone tell me?

74. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you now, SHE'S the one who wanted to end the relationship.

Nevermind all that other junk about you loving someone else.

75. The best sex position is you, lying face up....and twenty girls on top.

Just make sure you have a breathing tube. That would be an awful time to die from asphyxiation.

76. Default facial expression: blank stare.

Says you know nothing and have no clue what's going on, so don't be mad at me.

77. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.

That would probably explain why the excused smelled bad, wouldn't it?

78. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE! I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

That one explains itself, don't you think?

79. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Depeche Mode, Color Me Bad, or oldies.

No comment on that one.

80. Beer. Then more beer.

I don't think I need to comment on this one again, do I?

So there you have it. Those are the rules.

Just how the hell do guys make it past 30 anyway? What really scares me? There are a lot of guys who live by those rules too. And those rules were part of joke of the day.

Please, someone save us before things get really crazy.