MY LIFE - FEBRUARY

Sunday, February 18, 2001

In case you missed the entry in Come Again? that I posted last week, I know very well that I haven't written an entry since the end of January. There are a couple of reasons for this and I'll again explain them to you all before going off on my usual rants and raves. I can't guarantee that this will be a really long entry (it's only 3 in the morning for God's sake), but I'll try and cover the bases and then get into what I want to talk about, that's if I remember what it is I want to talk about.

The primary reason I haven't written anything recently is that I haven't been online much lately until late at night (nevermind that it's late now). The reason behind that is that I've been working six days a week, most of the time until 10pm, 11pm, or midnight, which leaves me tired and cranky and just in no mood to write whatsoever. Even if I manage to stay awake longer than fifteen minutes after getting home, I'm much too tired to do anything.

So consequentially, my site has fallen off a bit. I'm sorry if people were expecting me to write everyday for the rest of my life, but it isn't easy to sit down and write when you'd rather sit down and drool. The energy just hasn't been there of late and it still isn't there now, but what the hell. I have to get things together at some point, don't I?

Another reason has been the lack of anything that I've really wanted to write about. I've inadvertently restricted what I might be able to write about by refusing to write about certain aspects of my life. It's kind of hard to write about some of the more personal parts without wondering if I'm telling too much or confusing too many people. It would probably be easier if I made a page listing the people I know, then whenever I mention someone, I could put their name as a link so that you could to the specific page and get an idea of what the hell I'm talking about.

The laziness factor plays into effect there though. I just don't really feel like creating any new pages on this site, no matter how vital or requested they might be (which means everyone who keeps requesting a picture gallery, shut up!). The ambition is just not there. Maybe all I need is a swift kick in the ass or something. I don't know. Maybe I just need to get myself together and stop acting like there's no time for anything else.

Then there's the whole "I don't give a shit" factor that's been creeping in. Truth is, and this is something else mentioned in Come Again? last week before the new one went up, I've been fed up by a lot of things in the online world. People, things, and sites have all pissed me off. I had a two week problem with getting online in the first place because CoreComm was experiencing technical difficulty.

My e-mail's pissing me off because my hosting service changed how it looks and pretty much simplified it to a piece of junk e-mail system. I'm this close to changing e-mail providers again and I really don't want to do that. It's too damn hard for me to continue to do that. One option is to keep my current e-mail address for web site related issues and have a separate e-mail for personal business.

I'm not sure though. If I do, it will be a pain in the ass, a pain that a couple people I know have gone through with me a couple of times in the past (I'm very fickle with my e-mail). I'm sorry, but you don't fuck with my e-mail services. I can't write html e-mail anymore, which makes me mad, and I can't filter things like I was in the past. It's also given me trouble just trying to sign on, get mail, and send mail. I especially love the "your session has expired; please log in again" message I get five minutes after signing on.

Let's face it though. Last week's entry was more frustration than anything else, which is why I was so quick to replace it with something else. I know there's only so much bitching one can take and I bitched my heart out in that entry. I was trying to get a point across to certain people who hadn't been writing back and it sort of worked, sort of didn't. I'm still slowly getting feedback from it.

I still feel like maybe I should apologize for it. I wrote that entry Wednesday night after working my tenth day in a row. I was tired, pissy, and getting fed up with a bunch of things all at once, which isn't a pretty thing to watch happen to me. I pretty much unloaded on anyone who took the chance to read what I had written and had no reservations at the time over what I wrote.

That changed Thursday when I got a day off and had a chance to get some rest. In all actuallity, I could've written something new Thursday night, but I fell asleep at 6pm and didn't wake up until 11am the next morning. By the end of Friday, I was pissy again after a rather rough day at work where I got an earful from a co-worker and had to deal with a rush of customers like we hadn't seen all week.

Last night after work I was fine, but a bit tired. I don't remember what I did last night though, so maybe that's a testament to how tired I was. Then tonight, well, tonight I'm writing an entry for this section for the first time in almost a month. But I feel like I owe it to everyone to say something and maybe try and make my point of view a little more clear.

As I've said before, I'm very moody. My moods change in a hurry. I wish I could be funnier online, but my sense of humor doesn't always transfer over to the internet that well and I'm sure it shows. I'm probably ten times more serious online than I am in person and I'm pretty serious sometimes in person, although you can't convince the people I work with that anymore.

And to be honest, I don't want to change. This is how I am. I'm fine with this because it at least keeps things interesting. People know that if they have something serious to talk about, I'll listen. They also know if they just want to be goofy, I'm fair game. The people I know also have learned how to decipher what kind of mood I'm in. I don't know how, but it evidently shows in my appearance.

How I am is just that; how I am. I have no plans for changing. Even though things have been kind of out of control at work and I've been tired, I can't complain. I'm living, I'm walking, and for the most part, I'm making sense. I have a good car. I have a home. I have my own computer. I have a job. I have my own phone and phone line. I have a cell phone. I don't have a lot of money, but I'm not poor either.

I've survived living on welfare in my childhood. I know what rockbottom is like. I'd be stupid to think that things are bad right now. I'd be really stupid.

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Since I mentioned a picture gallery earlier in this entry, I might as well explain what kind of ideas I've actually been bouncing around, as well as other things involving this site. The main thing I've been thinking about is doing what I did before, and that's section everything off by category. The sticking point remains how big the pictures are going to be (thumbnails or no?) and what categories do I include?

I only have a couple pictures of myself, so I would probably include the pictures of my room and my car in any category involving me. The animals would be tricky since there are ten cats and I have pictures of at least four cats that are no longer with us. The dogs would be easy, but the rats won't be since I don't have anything current of the rats, or of the birds for that matter.

So all that's up in the air. I know a lot of you want new pictures of me too. Well, tough shit. I don't exactly have people taking my picture left and right, and somehow, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

I am seriously considering a page that would be like a cast of characters type thing. Basically, I'd give you a run down of the people I know, plus pics if I happen to have any of that person. However, I'm still not sure about this kind of endeavor and how I might work it out. The problem I'd have with this is that I'd realistically have to get the permission of all the people I'd want to list before I could reasonably put their name up here.

Not that I really care about what some people think, it's the ones that I do care about that would concern me. Do I forget about any ethics and just do it? Or do I take into consideration their feelings and respect whatever wishes they may have? It would seem to be a pretty easy thing to answer, but I'm not in the mood to piss anyone off or leave people who read this site in the dark.

The real message that I need to get across about this site is that updating will be infrequent at best for the time being. I'm not willing to guarantee that I'll be writing entries on a regular basis, nor will I guarantee any other part of my site will be updated as I might say it's going to be. I worked two 50+ hour weeks in a row and never know when the next one might pop up.

Another thing I might do in the future is open up the topics I might talk about. Since I started doing an online journal, I have never really talked about certain things like I might otherwise do. Sports, politics, news events, and other things like that have never really been brought up for a number of reasons. I might take things to a slightly more personal level, although what happens over the next few months will dictate that.

I'm even hoping to secure my own domain name for this site and take this site to another level, although that's not in consideration right now since I'm not exactly rolling in the dough and it takes money to secure a domain name. Besides, the domain that I want was taken last time I tried to secure it for a television show that's been off the air for five years. Go figure that one out.

In any case, this week should work out better. I'm working just 40 hours this week (at least, that's what I'm scheduled so far) and for the first time in at least a month, I'm getting two days off. Hopefully with the reduction, my energy level will return to normal.

At least, I hope so. No guarantees.

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One final note that I'd like to add that while I'll be attempting to write as many entries as possible during this stretch, I will make no guarantees over anything. Right now, I'm shooting for March to resume writing on a regular basis, but nothing's in stone.

So the next entry could be tomorrow, next week, or next month. I really can't say, especially with me working mostly 3-11pm and 4pm-12am. Who knows though? Maybe I'll actually get myself to start getting up early like I was going to do a while back.

Sorry if this is pissing anyone off.