MY LIFE - MAY


Dave, the other white meat

Wednesday, May 1, 2002

Once again I've been going through the older entries on this site, this time the ones that are up and readily available for everyone to read. I was reading them and I realized that I had a lot of pent up anger inside of me. I was not a very pleasant person and I kept very much to myself. I also wrote a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have wrote, but at the time, they sounded good.

Reading them made me realize that when I first started writing this site, I didn't know the firs thing about how I wanted to do this. I only wrote a paragraph at a time at first and I was very much into "hate this, hate that," so much so that reading these entries now makes me cringe.

At the same time, I also see how much I've evolved since I started this. When I started writing, I was angry, resentful, and very much to myself. I didn't confide in people and I was premature in reacting to situations around me. I thought things that weren't true. I was overly opinionated on things I didn't know about. I was judgemental.

I was still immature.

There are a lot of things that I won't write in here anymore. Things that I wrote with wreckless abandon a few years ago would never find their way in here. I wouldn't be writing about certain people so much. My deepest feelings about someone else would stay with me and that person. I revealed too much it seemed and tried to hard to be something I wasn't.

I didn't really hate the world. I just thought I did. It was my mindstate at the time. I know that things were frustrating me and I didn't know how else to deal with them. If you don't believe me, go back and read them again. I've been writing since 1998.

You can see the evolution I've gone through over the years. Entries became longer and more thoughtful. My thoughts became less harsh and resonated more than they did at first. I wasn't just trying to get someone's attention. I stopped trying to be funny. Let's face, I'm not someone who can be funny online. My humor does not translate well, nor does my sarcasm. I've pretty much abandoned trying to be funny. If the situation I'm in is funny, that's a different story.

But you can see how I change over time. Just my topics of conversation give you a clue as to how much I was changing. It was less about me and more about what was going on around me and what I thought about those situations. I was no longer focusing so much on trivial things. My thoughts became more intense and I analyzed things with more intent.

I also had this thing about telling everyone how much I thought rap was being underestimated as a musical genre. That's something I don't do anymore. I may mention buying a new album every now and then (Jay-Z, Nas, How High, Busta Rhymes, Kurupt, The Wash are most recent purchases), but I no longer talk about rap as if I know it all. I just listen to it. It's not my place to cry out against the way I feel the media treats it.

I find it very revealing to go back and read all my old entries from time to time. Yes, there are times when I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I knew at one point, but somewhere along the way I forgot what the idea was behind my subject. There are also some things in there that reinforce that I was very much into taking care of people at some point, despite my anti-social attitude.

Again, it was immaturity and I was being judgemental, something I'm not proud of.

The basic idea though is that I went from being a very bad, judgemental, anti-social writer to someone who puts a great amount of thought into the words that you see in here now. I'm very much a social person now and I no longer resent people the way I did. I'm not judgemental, and I'm ready to prove that it doesn't matter who you are, I'm willing to give you a chance.


I recently began talking to girl that I met through one of the online dating services. Yeah, yeah, some of you are asking me why I didn't learn from my last relationship...I did. I learned that you can't just give up hope and think that things will never work out.

Anyway, this girl e-mailed me so I wrote her back and we exchanged a couple of nice e-mails. We finally chat one day and she tells me she wants to be upfront with me. Okay, I'm thinking that she's going to tell me that she's an overweight person, or that there's something else that would totally put me off from talking to her.

She tells me she's in a wheelchair and has been in one all her life.

Okay, that is pretty serious, but by now I'm curious about her so I figure it's worth talking to her. If nothing else, I'm still looking to be friends with her. I decided the wheelchair shouldn't be how I judge her, it's our conversation and her overall appearance.

We talk for a while and then she asks me if I would like to see a picture of her. I agree and she sends me two. I see that she looks pretty and that I am definitely attracted to this girl. The talk was going really well to boot so we decided that we should talk on the phone.

Well, five hours later we finally hang up after having one of the best conversations of my life. She can't believe that we talked as long as we did and I can't believe how much there is to like about her. We're pretty much into the same things, we have the same habits, and we like the same things.

So two days later and three good phone calls, we're going to meet each other on Friday.

She was afraid that I'd be put off by her admitting she's in a wheelchair and she was even more afraid after telling me why she was in a wheelchair. I told her it didn't matter and that I still wanted to meet her. I said that the worst that could happen is that we're friends. I also said that time will show us what's meant for each other.

I really like this girl though. She's sweet, she's attractive, and she's up front about things. There's no ducking or sidestepping what she's feeling or anything that might be bothering her. She was straight up with me about her situation and she wanted me to be comfortable with it before I saw her. That in itself made me think very highly of her.

I can't wait to see how things go on Friday. I may or may not have made a mistake in agreeing to let her highlight my hair if we see each other again, but it will be well worth it. She's a special girl and one that I feel compelled to get to know better.

I think everything will go well. The anticipation just might kill me though.


I just read some more of my older entries. God damn I was a freaking spaz. I also went way overboard with somethings. I'm glad that I have these old entries to learn from. Some things just shouldn't be mentioned.

Actually, if I have to pick something that I love reading, it's my entries where I go on the attack against columnist Dick Feagler. That guy really irritated me at times and he still does. Those entries I'll never regret, nor will I regret sending him the e-mail that I sent him once. I'm sure he read and thought I was just another misguided young adult, but fuck it. I was mad at him.

I've also thought a lot about the article I wrote in Come Again where I give my thanks to the people that have shaped me. That was one column that could've just turned out completely campy and uninspired, but I read it again earlier today and I feel that it's one of the best columns I've ever written.

I meant everything I wrote in there, so if you're someone who feels you got the short end of the stick, I'm sorry. Nothing I wrote in there is anything new and most everyone knows how I feel already. This was more about me just conveying that to everyone else and to show just what I dealt with growing up.

I think it's also another way that I've matured as a writer. I don't think I could've written that a few months ago, much less a year or more ago. I put a lot of thought into that.

Now I sit and wait for the backlash.

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