Friday, June 25, 2004
I still have at least one stone in me, but I feel much better than I had been feeling and have been moving around better. My mood has also improved, which is a good thing because I don't feel like Molly's really had a good chance to see how I really can be.
In essence, I haven't really opened up to her yet. I'm holding certain things back, trying to get a feel for what she likes, what she doesn't like, and what terrifies her. I don't want to go saying something completely off the wall and end up scaring her. That would not be good.
We did have a good talk a couple nights ago where a few things were cleared up between us. It was nothing that I wasn't expecting, but it's not something I wish to discuss in here. What we talked about is between us and involves where we stand with each other. I know where she stands right now and how to move forward next.
This is going to take time, getting her to date me. It's not going to be something that just magically happens. As much as I want to believe otherwise, she's not just going to suddenly come up to me and say that she wants to date me. It's something I have to work for, and to do that, there are things I need to do better.
My decision-making needs to drastically improve. It's something that I've always been bad at, but it seems like with her, I'm going to have to do be able to do it better. I need to have ideas about what we are going to do when we hang out in advance, not suddenly thinking about what we could do. This is one of those areas that I need to work on by getting a really good grasp on what she likes to do most and go with it. The truth is, I haven't really done much to find out what she likes.
She asks me questions with the sole intention on finding out what I like and then uses that to her advantage. I haven't done that. Maybe it's a case of me not being used to being with a girl like her, or maybe it's just a case of where I really suck at getting to know people. Either way, I need to ask her things, find out what her favorite things are, and use that information to help things along. I don't doubt that she likes who I am, but I do think that she's not sure of me in a lot ways because of how I've been so far.
I guess it's a case of finding my comfort zone with her. I haven't really found that sure-fire way to make her laugh yet, and that's just a case of me finding out what kind of humor really gets her. She's a funny girl, I just haven't quite gotten a grasp on how to really make her laugh.
In other words, this is somewhat of a challenge. It's not going to be a case where we talk for a few weeks and hook-up. This is going to be a case where we really get to know each other and see how it goes. Lord knows I like this girl a lot. I haven't really hid that from her and maybe she's weirded out by that a little bit. It's not easy to get a read on her sometimes.
In no way am I complaining, just so that's clear. I'm just trying to see if by writing all this out, I can maybe figure out some things that will help in the future with her. I love watching movies with her, but I know that you can't do that every single time you hang out with a girl. Putt-putt was fun, but I wasn't too enamored with the place we went. I have to make sure of where the other place is and take her there next time. That place was fun. And again, it's not that I'm saying I didn't have fun with her that night. I did. I had a ton of fun with her. She's great to be around.
It's just strange to me. My first two relationships were relatively easy to get into. There was virtually no time to wait and everything just happened so fast, but that is probably what my problem has been. Molly's doing the smart thing by taking it slow and I need to do better to keep at the same pace as her. If I just do the things I normally do, then everything will be fine. I'm sure of it. But if I try too hard to impress her, try to make things go faster than they should, it will cause problems. I can't do that. I don't want to mess this one up.
I also need to be more careful with what I write in here. I didn't really expect her to read the things I wrote, and maybe that had a somewhat negative affect on her. She knows I like her. I don't need to go beating it into the ground that I do.
I can't say enough how much I appreciate how everyone's been to me since I've been feeling under the weather. Obviously, I appreciate how Molly showed that she cared by making sure I was doing okay. She knows this and I don't need to beat that into the ground either. But it wasn't just her.
Just about everyone I work with has asked how I've been doing the whole time. Even people I didn't say anything to have come up to me and asked how I might be feeling. I've been sent home early a couple of times to help out with my situation, and for the most part, everyone's just let me do my thing to the best of my ability, helping me when I need it.
Herein lies a common problem with me. I don't like letting people help me. It goes back to how stubborn I can be at times, but I am always trying to do things on my own without anyone's help. It's only been recently that I've let other people I work with help me with inventory things at work.
It's not easy to do either. I don't like letting people help me and I never have, so letting people help me has felt strange, and almost wrong. I always feel like I'm inconveniencing someone by having them help, so I never ask. Invariably, this gets me into more trouble than it's worth, so I really need to start asking for help when I need it.
And I'm starting to do it a little bit. It's not much, but it's a start. I'm realizing that I can't do everything on my own, that I need help sometimes.
It's just another evolution of personality I suppose.
It's a pretty drab day outside. It's cool, it's rainy, and it just looks like a day to relax and not do much. I'm going to go look for a desk today, probably play some games, and see if I can scheme something that I can do for Molly. She had a bad day yesterday and I need to think of something that will make her smile. I love her smile.
It's strange though. The prettiest girls are the ones who seem to doubt it most. She is such a pretty girl. Even Nichole told me that she was very pretty. I want to see her smile more. It's just such a beautiful thing.
One more thing, the title at the top of the window that says "booyah?" It's something that Molly will get, but no one else will.
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