MY LIFE - JULY

Thursday, July 4, 2002

First and foremost, I hope that everyone had a good holiday. Secondly, I'm going to be doing things just a little bit differently in this site from now on. I am not going to be concerning with how someone might feel if their name is in this site. I've been making concessions to people for far too long when it came to mentioning names in this site and I'm not going to keep doing it. I've been keeping some of the more personal things out of here, but I feel that all I'm doing is protecting some of the people I've been around.

With that said, I am a less than happy person tonight and there is a reason for it. It takes a lot to get me upset and even more to make me so upset that I'd have to go somewhere and just start writing in a notebook. Well, tonight, while I may have overreacted, I was upset. I wasn't mad-upset at first, but as I drove towards where I was going to write, I became increasingly mad.

I feel like I'm part of some sort of game for this girl that I went on a date with. I feel like I've been rejected without it actually being said, all because I went to her online journal. You see, she writes about the guys in her life and her "adventures" in dating, so-to-speak. Well, I clicked on her entry for today at expecting her to at least mention our date together. She had told me afterwards that she'd want to see me again, so I was thinking that she'd have something to say about me.

Boy was my dumbass wrong. Instead, I read an entry about a guy that she had dated before and thought she was going to get back with. Nowhere am I mentioned, nor does she even mention the date. I also haven't gotten an e-mail since the morning after the date, which means this all happened in between then and now.

Now, I thought that our night went well enough to warrant another date with her. I thought that she felt the same way. Well, I guess that we didn't feel the same way and as I thought about it, I'm starting to see why she'd go through so many dates with so many guys.

She keeps hoping that the guy she's going on a date with is going to be the guy for her, but it's almost like she's looking for flaws, looking for a reason why it wouldn't work rather than looking at what the guy has going for him. She goes from guy to guy, dissecting what's wrong with them, and then moves on to the next one without blinking. She tries to make it sound like every guy she goes out with has some serious problem, but I'm not so sure that's the case. I could be wrong, and my sincere apologies if I am, but it seems like she's afraid to stick with one guy.

What makes me mad is that if she is going to get back with this guy, as I presume she is (wouldn't I be the eternal ass if she didn't), she hasn't said word one to me about ever seeing me again. Now, I can understand if she doesn't because of the situation with this other guy, but the least she could do is e-mail me and tell me that she's sorry, but she's going to be seeing someone else for a while. I can accept something like that.

I guess what pissed me off the most is that I really thought she wanted to see me again. I felt like maybe this is something that could've worked. Now, I read that entry and I feel stupid. I feel insignificant. I feel like I'm some sort of pawn in her chess game of men. While I understand her need to see different guys to find one to her liking, I wonder how many other guys she's written about but not actually told directly how she felt? I wonder if some other guy went on a date with her, thought they had a good time, then a couple days later, read that she didn't like him that much. Or read that she was going out with the third guy since him and felt it was still "hopeless."

I've seen her jump online four times now, and she's never stayed on long enough for me to even think about imming her, nor has she immed me or e-mailed me anything since yesterday morning. Maybe something I wrote made her feel weird. The problem is, I don't know.

I keep looking back at the notebook I wrote in. I do it because what I wrote in the notebook is ten times worse then what I'm writing in here. I have much harsher words in there than I would ever write in here. I was pissed when I wrote most of that. I think it's understandable why I'd be pissed too.

Maybe it's frustration that I'm feeling right now. Lately, it seems that I've only been meeting people (in person) who have issues either with themselves or other issues that don't became clear until I actually meet them. It's frustrating because then I somehow become the bad guy when I decide that it's not a good idea, or when I make it clear that I'm not going to go the whole relationship route. I've had more than blow-up over me not being in contact for a couple days, but in all cases, I seriously wasn't around to contact them. I did have a fire people and I did have a lot of running around to do in the first month after the fire. It's not like I sat down and decided to ignore people. That's not the case. But a couple of people decided that it was the case and started firing shots at me.

Maybe I'm getting my hopes too high too soon. I go on a date and think that this time, it's going to work out, only to find out one way or another that the girl I was with didn't feel the same way afterwards. But rather then tell me that, I keep meeting girls who just kind of move on to the next guy and I'm left wondering what the hell happened.

Here's another one for you: when I go to HotorNot and write to someone who appears on a match list, why am I deleted shortly after? I cannot possibly be writing something so horrible that would make a girl want to delete me, but obviously I am because I write a girl, then I wait for a reply, only to discover I've been deleted.

Frustrated? That's only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I'm feeling like this tonight because I already felt like shit today and the entry I read put me over the top. As much as I'd like to write some happy entry where I've done nothing but have fun with a bunch of friends while watching fireworks, that's not the case. I spent half my night wondering why I keep getting shit on by these girls I "try" to meet and the other half wondering if the perogis I ate were coming back up.

It was not a fun day.

This shit will probably keep happening because as frustrated as I get, I still love girls. There's just something about girls that goes beyond looks. I've always been that way, which is probably good since I've been treated like shit by girls in general since I was in middle school. Not all girls. Mind you, a lot have been really nice to me. But a lot have been mean and I guess it's always going to be that way, especially since I'm not the kind of guy that most girls seem to like.

Maybe I shouldn't be so upset either. I mean, what's the real harm in what happened? I had a good time with a nice girl who's going in a different direction than I thought she was going. So what, she didn't tell me that she was going to do this. Maybe she didn't think it was that big a deal. Maybe it isn't that big a deal. Maybe I'm blowing it way out of proportion. I tend to do that when I don't feel good.

I don't know. I guess that's the real problem here. I just don't know what's going on.

Suddenly I'm kicking myself for not trying to get with either of those girls at the laundromat last night. Dammit.

---

Today just started off kind of weird. I woke up, but I really wasn't awake. I kind of laid in bed for another hour before finally pulling myself up. Then I didn't do anything for a couple of hours after that either, mainly because I didn't feel good.

I pretty much felt like I was floating through the day, almost like it wasn't really happening. Then I hit my head on my car while getting in and pretty much snapped out of whatever daze I was in. I'm sure that the people that were sitting by the pool heard me swearing. If they didn't, it was because their ears were clogged.

Anyway, after I was out and about for a while, I came back to the room, saw the entry, went on my tirade, wrote all the crap down, regretted it, didn't regret it anymore, and went back to the house to take the dogs for a walk. I figured any extra frustration I felt would go away if I walked the dogs. In the least, I'd find something else to be frustrated on.

After that, I attempted to go home, but I ran into some massive traffic. It was 11:30 at this time, so I know why there was a ton of traffic. After some detours, I finally was back on my way home and was in the door at midnight.

My feelings right now? I feel like shit.

---

I mentioned earlier that I was no longer going to be so quick to exclude someone from this site. That does not mean I'm going to start dropping names all over the place, but I will make it pretty clear to anyone with some knowledge of the situation who I'm talking about. I'm not going to sit here and baby certain people anymore because they don't want to read something that I wrote.

What I write in my site is no different from what I might tell someone in person. I do not just write shit in here to make myself look a certain way or to try and make someone look bad. I write what I feel and sometimes that includes people around me. In the past, I didn't care. I'd write about anyone and include names to boot. This eventually got me in trouble with someone I was talking to, so I decided to not mention names in certain cases.

Over time, I eased up on what I'd write about. I decided I didn't want to write about certain things because I didn't want to offend anyone. This is directly due to an entry I wrote a couple years ago involving my friend Jennifer. I wrote something that I shouldn't have wrote and she didn't like it. Thankfully, we're still friends. However, I had realized that words could be pretty powerful so I decided to limit what I'd write even further. What kind of things? Well, let's just say a lot of shit happened over the last couple years that I never mentioned that was pretty significant. I still won't mention it now because it's silly.

The one thing I've realized is that I can't let other people dictate what goes into my site. If what I write makes you mad, then I'm sorry, but I normally have a very good reason to write what I write. If you feel I should've talked to you first before writing it, then again, I'm sorry. If it's a response to something you wrote (such as the entry I was talking about), then I throw that question right back at you. If I am out of line, I'm sorry. I get carried away. I'm an emotional person and sometimes the emotions get the best of me. It's not something I do on purpose.

Bottom line, I write what I write. I will not be basing my content on whether or not someone might get mad. Fact is, people get mad over stupid shit all the time. What I'm mad about is probably stupid, but my feelings were hurt today. I reacted the way most people react.

Now that I think about it, that's half the point of these entries anyway. I want people to read these things and feel something, even if it is anger. If you feel something, then my entry was a successful one, even if it does lead to an e-mail filled with cursing and a person claiming to never want to speak to me again.

I'm going to write what I feel like writing. If it pisses someone off, then that's a whole different issue in itself and I'll deal with it when it happens. In the meantime, deal with what I write.

Oh, and if anyone else bitches about this site being all about me and how I talk about myself too much, check the fucking name of the site and then slap yourself for me.

Thank you and have a nice day.