MY LIFE - JULY

Friday, July 5, 2002

Right now, I'm at war with my stomach again. It started yesterday and helped put me in the shitty mood that I was in much of the day and helped contribute to the rather long and not so friendly entry that I wrote yesterday.

I still stand by what I wrote and said in the entry. No mood will alter how I was feeling yesterday evening and no matter how sick I may have felt, I still would've gotten mad. Now though, I've had a chance to think about things and go over the situation in my head.

Okay, I really didn't think about it today and really didn't want to. Whatever happens, well, that's what happens. If this girl decides to ever e-mail me back, which is becoming more and more doubtful as time goes by, then I'll take the next step into consideration. However, I have not heard from her and therefore, there's nothing I can do.

Meanwhile, I'm still dealing with my stomach today. I've taken my medicine, I've eaten food that's reasonably healthy for me (I passed on the McDonald's offer today), and I've done nothing out of the ordinary. For some reason though, my stomach continues to hurt and it's not just mild pain, it's strong pain, and it won't go away.

So this has made me a bit ornary to deal with over the last couple of days. It's not like I want to be mean or anything, but when you're stomach is cramping up on you, it's hard to smile and be nice. I know women all over know how this goes. I get the cramps, but it's more unpredictable than the time of the month thing that a girl goes through.

My stomach caused me to miss the fireworks last night and tonight. It's hard to watch fireworks when you don't know if your stomach's going to explode or not. I must have run to the bathroom ten times in the span of a half hour because I wasn't sure of myself. I don't really want to go into detail on that because I don't feel like making someone else sick while reading about my issues.

Besides, I will reread this again in the future, so I don't really want to read this and remember what was going wrong again.

---

A trend that began back in high school is still going on. This trend is the one where girls that are five-plus years younger then me are interested in me, talking to me, and talking to me like I'm some sort of dream guy. I seem to remember going through this in high school with a couple of the middle school girls that lived on my street, and it's always kind of happened with the internet.

I'll be sitting here, just kind of minding my own business, and this message window will pop up and some girl will start talking to me. Not long into the conversation, she'll tell me her age and it's almost always something like 14, 15, or 16. Okay, that's fine. I'll talk to just about anyone. Then I'd start seeing more intimate messages come through and that's when I have to cut things off.

Fact remains, I'm not going to get into any kind of relationship outside of friendship with any girl that's more than 3 years younger than me. I don't like knowing that the girl I might be with is still in high school, nor do I like the prospect of spending time in jail because of anything that might happen. It's just not worth that kind of risk.

What makes it harder than it should be is that there are a lot of really gorgeous girls that look older then they are and some of them know it. They know that they look like they might be 19 or 20, so they won't come right out and tell you that they're only 15. I hate trying to figure out old any girl is anymore because I'm usually off. Think she's older? She's probably a lot younger then me. Think she's younger then me? She turns out to be 26. It's just so hard to do anymore.

Sometimes it's obvious, but it's usually more complicated then it should be. Most girls, no matter what age, dress very similar. You could have a 15 year old and a 25 year old stand next to each other and not be able to tell the difference. That's part of why I hesitate to go up to girls. I've had a couple of instances where the girl was a lot younger then I thought.

It just should not be this difficult.

Anyway, it seems like younger girls like talking to me. I haven't quite figured out why. I'm talking to one now and was just in a little chat with a couple people, the oldest one being 16. It's strange to watch them chat because it reminds me so much of how I used to chat online.

Hyper, all over the place, saying whatever comes into their mind, it's how I used to talk online. It's how I used to be when I'd get online. That was when I used to go into chat rooms, talk, and meet people left and right. That was when we first had a computer and first starting going online. That was back in the good old AOL days.

Now I don't go into chat rooms anymore, don't really talk online unless someone talks to me first, and even then, I'm not much of a chatter online. I talk more to people in person now then I used to, which is the complete opposite of a few years ago.

Watching these teens talk was like taking a trip into the past though. It felt weird because it almost felt like I had gone into the past. They talked a little more dirty then I'd ever talk, but still, it was just teens talking about stuff they had no clue about. Nothing like listening to a couple of teen girls act like they know something about sex, only to see them eventually reveal that they're both virgins.

It was fun though. I really don't mind talking to people, even if it does make writing these entries more difficult because I'm trying to focus on too many things.

Then my mom starts talking to me and really messes me up.

Can I not work without someone distracting me?

---

Today was one of those days that was busy, but still dragged. I don't know how to explain it either. Work was just, well, not boring, but, tedious I guess is the word I'm looking for. It took much too long for the day to go by, but maybe it was because I felt like crap all day, or maybe it was because I felt like crap and was dizzy from my medicine.

Whatever it was, the day took forever. Then Paula came in and complained she was tired. Thankfully, strangely perky Heather came in and lightened things up a bit. If that girl ever stops smiling, hell will have officially frozen over. She does get annoying, but you can't deny that she's good for business.

She's nice though, even if she does try to get pushy with what she's doing. She wasn't as bad tonight, covering the front registers in between filling scripts. In truth, I really didn't need the help, but it was one less thing that I had to worry about. It was slow enough this afternoon to where I could get away with not doing a whole heck of a lot.

In all honesty, I wasn't feeling that bad at the end of my shift. I actually felt pretty good and was joking around with everyone towards the end of the day. I was laughing and feeling pretty good. Then I went and ate some chips on the way home and started to feel like crap again.

Since that point, I've felt like crap again. At least the work day ended on a rather positive note, even if it felt like the longest day of the year.

Anyway...

I work the next two days before I'm off because I was invited to go to Six Flags with Tab. I'm still trying to find someone to go with me, but it seems like no ones want to go. I'll keep trying, but I don't know how well this is going to work.

In the meantime, I have to try and figure out what these people are talking about now. One thing about talking with people who are younger, they can have a language of their own.