Thursday, July 8, 2004
Two nights ago Molly and I had a talk that could best be described as deflating. It was nothing I wasn't expecting, but the things that she told me still left a stinging sensation in me that I'm still trying to get rid of.
Without revealing all that was said, and making a private conversation everyone's fodder, she told me that she didn't feel anything for me beyond friendship. It was nothing if not honest and while I was expecting to hear that, it still hurt in a sense because I had fallen for the girl so much.
However, I can't say that I blame her for feeling, or lacking the feeling, the way she felt about me. I haven't quite been myself around her, really from the get-go, so she hasn't seen me as I'm capable of being. There's been no semblance of my sense of humor, no sense of how strange I can, no sense of who I really am. Just someone who felt very shy, very afraid of showing too much.
I can sit here and say that maybe I did that because I felt like there was a lack of interest from her at times. There have been a few cases where I'll talk about something to try and spark a conversation and instead of saying anything about what I just said, she'll say nothing or change the subject. When that happens a few times, it begins to discourage you from talking.
I can sit here and wonder about all the things that could contribute to this situation. I can sit here and think maybe I was boring to her, maybe I wasn't exciting enough for her, or any other number of combinations that would cause things to go the way they have the last couple of weeks.
I still want to think that there's a chance that we'll date in the future, but it's dependent on a number of things. One, I need to be able to be myself around her and that's something that will come with time. Once I get a real good read on her, she'll probably think I was two different people. It should never have taken this long to begin with, but maybe I'm just still adjusting to the kind of girl she is.
The conversation needs to be better between us. Whether it's a case of her just being tired and not having much to say or me just not being able to find things that we could talk about, I have to be better than this. I can't even imagine how much of her time I've wasted not saying anything when she's called or been with me. It's not hard to talk about things. We have a lot in common. I just haven't done it.
It all basically falls on me. I feel like I am the one to blame for things not going the way I think they should have. Molly's done everything to try and encourage me and I've done little in response. I have basically failed in a situation that I shouldn't have been able to fail in. I still can't understand how I allowed this to get to this point with her when it seemed like we were going to go so well. She even asked me at one point if she was going to be mistake number three in the string of relationships that I've had.
How did it get to this?
I've thought about this all day though and have continued to think that it may be more than that. There's always the chance that I met her at the wrong time. She's had a lot of stress in her life and maybe it's not a good time for her to be dating anyone anyway. This may be a rationalization on my part, but it wouldn't be far-fetched. She has been stressed by a lot and has had a constant problem getting enough sleep.
However, as I think about this more and more, it begins to occur to me that maybe I'm just not the right guy for her. Sure, she's perfect for me, but maybe I'm not the kind of guy she needs, the kind of guy she wants to date. This girl is a classy girl who has a good handle on what she's doing, what she's going to do, and how she carries herself. She calls herself a goody-goody, but I don't know if that's appropriate. I would say she's smart. She's the kind of trouble-free girl that I've been hoping to find.
When I look at myself, I'm someone who's had a checkered past. I don't consider myself to be a classy person. I don't think I look the way she'd prefer and I don't think I dress the way she prefers. These probably aren't big issues with her, but they probably aren't helping either. I look at myself next to her and I see her as deserving more. I'm not someone who makes good decisions quickly. I know that's rubbed her the wrong way. I'm not someone who's always engaging and I know that hasn't helped.
I really have felt like I haven't deserved a lot of what she's done for me, not just because I've done little in return, but because she just seems like she's on a higher level than me. I've been stuck in limbo for the last few years, really not making much of myself, and as much as I talk about aspirations and where I want to be, I haven't done a whole lot to get to that point. She's talked of getting her own place. There's no way I could even consider doing that. Her car's paid through the end of the year. Mine's just caught up.
I hope I'm wrong with all this, but I can't help but feel that way. Hell, even the night we talked, she really didn't say much about what I said. I just don't feel like I'm good enough for her a lot of the time.
It's probably not true, but I have to get myself to believe that before I can realistically have a shot at dating her.
I need to find myself right now though. I've had the same job for over six years and have pretty much maxed myself out, unless I move up front and try for management, which I really don't know if I want to be a part of that. Managers are treated like shit and it's bad enough being a tech.
I have school to think about again. Even if we did date, the fact is we wouldn't have much time for each other if I'm back in school in the fall like I need to be. I would need to focus on schoolwork, and between that and work, how much time I have for anything would be probably be very little. Would it be fair for her to date someone she might not see much of?
Then another possibility popped in my head, not likely this year, but certainly possible in the coming years. I thought about going to school out of state, or at the least, away from home. Not that I'm disenchanted with anything going on around here, but simply as a chance to have a fresh start somewhere where people don't know me and I have a chance to make new friends and see what it's like.
I probably wouldn't do that because I'd be so homesick, but it's something that's entered my mind.
I guess I'm just feeling lost right now. Work's stalled, school is around the corner, I couldn't give Molly a reason to date me, and I don't have a lot of friends. Maybe it's just something I'm going through, but shit, I'm almost 24. I have done little with myself to this point in time and at what point is it too late to get things going?
Is it fair to try and convince Molly to date me with so much uncertainty? Or is this just a phase? Who knows, by the end of next week I could be fine again, wreaking havoc at work and at home as my personality reverts to its old self. It could very well be my chemical imbalance messing with me. It's been a while since I had to deal with that, almost a year in fact. It would be one hell of a time for it to pop up.
All I do know is the next two months are pivotal for me. A lot will be determined in these coming months.
It's up to me to make the most of what I come across.
It seems to me that there's more going on behind the scenes at work than us techs are being led to believe. Keith has seem very frazzled lately, and as is customary for him, he takes it out on us techs. Stuff we were getting away with two weeks ago are now cause for him to have a coniption, all while Roberta does little work so-to-speak and gets away with it. Just two days ago he yelled at Lenny for having a cell phone in the pharmacy. A few weeks ago he saw me with my phone sending a text message (something I can't do at work now), and said little about it.
I really think something's about to go down though and I wouldn't be surprised if it involved Keith. The customer service scores aren't bad, we're losing business, there was the mess with Roberta, and so much else going on that I'm starting to think that Keith's days at our store are numbered. It wouldn't shock me if we found out that he was being moved. Or worse for him.
It's just a terrible environment now. Everyone's stressed out beyond belief, especially those of us who have been around for a while. Jean was telling me that she's close to calling it quits and I can't blame her. We work our asses off and basically get treated like shit and can't do a thing about it. I suppose it's like this in any retail environment, but it's been worse of late.
Nichole said recently that she was looking for a new job. Sarah could care less if she gets fired. Jean is exasperated. Lennie is very unhappy now. Peggy is close to having a meltdown. Even Darlene, who's the most mild-mannered one of them all, has shown signs of having enough. It's wide-spread and not going to get any better anytime soon.
Me? If I find something better, I'll take it. I've entertained thoughts of going up front to either do management or photo, but I can't imagine either of those two being much better.
My stress level has been higher though. I'm getting frequent headaches now, the kind that start in the back of your head and just pulsate through your entire head. I never get those and I've gotten those two or three times this week alone. Sure, the uncertainty with Molly hasn't helped, but it's mostly work that's caused them.
I need to decide what I'm going to do and decide soon.
I went to Mike's yesterday and had an interesting experience. When I got over there, he was trying to suck the water off the top of the pool cover so that he could remove the cover to start cleaning the water. Now, the cover looked bad enough with all the leaves and such in the dirt-soaked water, but it was compounded by the smell.
In a process that eventually took about an hour to do, he finally gave up on the wet-vac method and with some help, pulled the cover most of the way off, causing the water to sit in a large deposit on the one side. Using a bucket, he began scooping the water out, dumping it behind him. Within minutes, it was turning into a smaller version of the everglades.
When that was finally done, he was able to yank the cover off so his wife could wash it. They started to fill the pool with water so they could get the level high enough to turn the pump on, which would allow them to clean it better. After a few hours (which was passed via video games), it was ready and he dumped the necessary chemicals in.
The pool should be in good condition by the end of the weekend. At least I hope it will be. It didn't exactly look like it was a pool. It looked like something that Swamp Thing would come out of. Meanwhile, there are literally hundreds of toads hopping around the property. You couldn't go two steps without finding another one.
The best was still to come though. The mosquitoes came out after a while. I had forgotten how much of a pain those things are simply because we don't have a lot of them around here. In Lodi though, there's 100 mosquitoes for every square foot of land, I kid you not. Within minutes, I was bit up more than I had been in the last three years, watching as the bumps grew larger and larger. I swear they were mutant mosquitoes too. I don't ever remember seeing mosquitoes that large.
The best one is the one on the side of my head. Not only is it prominent, but it itches worse than any of the other ones. Well, at least it seems like it. The ones on my arms aren't too much fun either.
In any case, it was an experience. It was nice to get away from everything for a day though and just enjoy myself.
I needed it.
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