Monday, August 2, 2004

This entry is dedicated to someone I never met, someone I never knew, but in a way, had become part of my life through another person...RIP

I've never contemplated suicide. I've never even had the thought come to mind no matter how difficult things were for me. It just never seemed like the way out that I should take. I guess I'm not a quitter, but maybe it's just my mental make-up that keeps me from giving up on life.

Not all people are so fortunate though. Some people just can't handle life anymore and just throw in the towel. It's sad that it comes to that for some, but it's not so much that they reach that point that is hard to understand, it's how they get to that point.

Just when is too much too much?

I don't know. I don't really know what that threshold is for me since I've never reached it. I've never even come close to thinking about ending it all because of any problems. My life really hasn't been that bad to make me go that route. I've had days where I used to wonder why I was put on the earth, but that's something from my childhood.

I couldn't fathom giving up on life. Yes, mean things have been said to me. I've been called every name in the book, sometimes with serious intent. I've been hurt by those who should've never hurt me. Yet through it all, I find reasons to stay alive, reasons to keep on going.

Not everyone is like that.

A lot of people encounter so many problems that they just throw in the towel and say enough's enough. I've never known anyone personally to even try to do that, but I knew someone who used to think about it, and more recently, knew about a situation where the attempt had occurred and ultimately succeeded.

If this person only knew how much pain they caused a great friend in doing this too. But they will never know. For whatever reason, having that friend wasn't enough to keep this person going any longer. It wasn't going to cut it. The will to live had gone away. This friend did everything in their power to prevent this from happening, but what's meant to be is, well, meant to be.

The person this involves knows who they are and knows what role I play in all of this. There's no need to mention names or specifics. Enough pain has been caused already.

What baffles me is that in almost all suicide cases, someone tried to help, someone tried to show that they care, and the person ignored it. Disregarding that suicide is considered a sin (since I'm not religious), the very fact that you'd be willing to cause people who do care about you that much pain is unbelievable. The thought of my mom mourning over me alone would be enough to stop me from even considering such an act. I know people care about me.

We're not all so fortunate and it's made one person very depressed as a result.

I feel for you. You know that I do. Everything will be okay. Trust me.

---

I wasn't going to write anything, but I felt that if I didn't write anything tonight, the words would leave me and I'd be left with an empty entry on this matter come tomorrow. Unfortunately, something else happened that made me decide to write as well.

My older sister at one point told me that I had a message on the screen. It wasn't a friendly message and I wouldn't normally say anything about it and just let it die, but it made me mad.

The message was from a "friend" that I had taken care of a little while back while she was sick. I went out of my way to drive to Pittsburgh to take care of her and basically got her through the weekend. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel anything for her, but she was getting ready to move back to New Jersey and I didn't feel like it was going to progress any further than it had at that point.

To cut to the chase, I wasn't up for a long-distance relationship. There are a few reasons behind it. One being the money issue. I could talk to her fine, but forget being able to see her on a regular basis. The drive would suck up a lot of money and flying wouldn't be much cheaper. The second is I need to be able to see the girl I'm with whenever possible. The closer the girl lives, the better it is.

It just wasn't going to be a good idea and I thought that she felt the same way. Awesome girl, but it wasn't going to happen.

I guessed wrong, but there's not really a whole lot I can do about it. I'm not going to get myself bent out of shape, nor am I going to give a shit about it. Maybe she was mad because I met Jessica and am dating her.

I don't know. I don't care. She wants to be mad at me and never talk to me again? Then obviously what I did to help her meant jack shit to her. Which is fine by me as well. I never expect anything in return anyway.

I have Jessica. I have good friends. Molly's talking to me again, asking me about things. Outside of the suicide situation, everything is going well in my life. I don't care for anyone who wants to throw a wrench into it.

You think you may have upset me, but you'd be wrong.

---

"Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay" is a damn good game. I wasn't too keen on it at first, but as time's gone by and I've progressed into the game, it's really hooked me. It's that rare game that has an outstanding story (I'll admit, Vin Diesel rocks in this game), outstanding graphics, but most importantly, outstanding gameplay. A first-person shooter should not perform this well, especially when you don't have a gun.

The story is a prequel to "Pitch Black" and goes into detail on how Riddick came to be who he is in the current movie. It's a very engrossing game and I've already wasted most of the day on it and probably will play until I go to sleep.

This may be a future purchase.

One final note goes out to my friend Mike, who was recently promoted to assistant manager. Congratulations dude. It's been a long time coming, but you finally got the promotion you should've gotten years ago.

I'm happy for you.

---

Tribe Watch 2004

Today's Game
Cleveland Indians, 1
Toronto Blue Jays, 6

Summary
I didn't get to see the game since it wasn't on tv and I was at work anyway, but Cliff Lee continues to struggle and the offense didn't show up in the first meeting with Toronto this year.

Game Notes
The team may have finally run out of gas in losing three straight games to sub-.500 teams on the road. If this is the start of the end of the road for the Tribe this season, it's still been one hell of a year. Who knows, maybe they'll turn it around again.

Record
53-53; 3rd place; 6.5 games back