MY LIFE - AUGUST

Friday, August 16, 2002

This computer hates me. I know it does. You can say all you want that computers don't have feelings or personalities, but this one does. It's out to get me too. I'm afraid to use it anymore because I don't know what's going to happen or how long it's going to be before it decides to laugh at me and ignore me.

It freezes up on me at the worst times. It knows I'm nearly done writing an e-mail or an entry. It knows when I'm talking to someone I like. It knows. It watches. It locks up on me just when it's going to be the most aggravating (not that it isn't aggravating to begin with). It waits until I'm just about to click the little button that says "save" when I'm working on this site.

It's really quite irritating now. I've lost countless entries that I've been pleased with because it locks up on me in the middle or towards the end. I'm sure it was laughing at me the other day when I had the mouse pointer over the save button and just about to click it when it locked. It mocks me.

It knows when I'm writing something that I actually like, something I'm actually proud of. It knows when I'm talking to someone for the first time and you don't know if they sign off on purpose to get away from you or if it was an accident. It knows when I'm trying to read my e-mail and write back to someone I care about.

It's freaky. It makes me paranoid to sit at the computer now too.

I just lost part of another entry because of a second freeze up. It's offically the computer 2, me 0. I'm losing to a machine.

It never did this before my sister's ex tried to take Windows XP (another brilliant microsoft piece of shit product) out and put Windows 98 back in. Since then, the computer likes to freeze up at its convenience, like I said, usually when you've tried to do something.

It's getting a bit old.

Here's a what the fuck for you. What the fuck is with all these spam ims from girls pushing either some whacked out porn site or their personal site with a webcam? I personally do not care to sit and pay to watch some girl do stupid shit with her body. I would rather, well, I don't think I need to explain.

Every time I sign on though, the first thing that happens is I get a spam im from some girl who took the time to make up this bullshit-ass name and then send me an im where I can see her on her own webcam and have her do whatever I want. Well, it's not true. I want you to leave me alone, but that never happens. I actually had one girl im me repeatedly, almost whining "why don't you wanna talk to me."

Ugh. It's enough to make me sick and crazy at the same time.

Here's another, who the fuck came up with the bright idea of talking about celebrities? I just saw a headline on my start up page asking why can't Gwenyth Paltrow get a date? Like I give a fuck why she couldn't get a date, just like I could care less about what Britney Spears said behind stage or whatever.

I don't care what happens in a celebrities life. I don't. I would never want to be famous because you lose your privacy to a bunch of people who don't give a shit about how you feel, but think it would be great if you could tell them every detail about your life, who you're dating, and why you said this or that to someone.

I just don't get the fascination that people have with other people's lives. I really wish I could figure it out because then I might be able to figure out a way to make it stop. It's a bunch of nonsense to sit and try and analyze the life of some celebrity just because you have nothing better to do with your time.

I guess it's just me though. I just don't need to know about someone's personal life. I think that's why it's call a PERSONAL life.

But anyway. Yeah, I'm pretty crabby right now. I'm really not awake yet, so that has something to do with it.

Funny thing was, I was going to write something meaningful and insightful, but the computer freezing up on me kind of killed that one. It's going to be one of those days where all I want to do is curl up with a girl and just sit and not have to worry about anything, but seeing as I don't have a girlfriend, that ain't gonna happen.

Oh yeah, I just thought of something. Who's the genius behind those Verizon commercials where the guy keeps saying "can you hear me now?" How bout I shove the phone up your ass? Can you hear ME now?

I think this is going to be one of those entries where there's no continuity, no rhyme or reason to what I say, and a whole lot of things that bother me.

As I was saying before I sidetracked myself, I was actually going to write something meaningful. I actually had it planned out too. I might take a stab at it still, but it depends on my mood lifting in the next few minutes, which is still a long-shot right now.

It just might be a matter of me waking up, which is slowly starting to happen. If that's the case, then this day won't be so long and I'll look at this entry and wonder just what the hell my problem was.

Most of you know that I use sarcasm a lot and that it's the basis behind my humor most of the time. Most of you also can't tell too much when I'm being sarcastic and when I'm being serious, which sometimes takes away from me and can make it weird to talk to me.

I've always used sarcasm as a way to deflect things off of me. It started back in high school when I was just trying to get through without having to listen to someone make fun of me for something. I learned to laugh at myself, which is a great deterrent for anyone with a similar problem.

My sarcasm, it just kind of came out of nowhere. I think it came with the confidence I suddenly had in myself and my ability to deal with other people. Suddenly I wasn't afraid to say certain things to certain people and I really didn't care what other people thought of me. Instead of people hating me, they ended up liking that about me and how I was not afraid to poke fun at myself to make someone else laugh.

I'm also still a little insecure about things though. Some of the people have questioned me as to why certain things from my childhood still affect me. Well, a lot of what happened to me left me scarred emotionally and you just don't get over those kind of things, no matter how hard you try. It's why things like the girls messing with my feelings still haunt me. I don't choose to let it do that, it's just so ingrained into my mind that it happens regardless. I feel small and very insignificant when I talk to a girl I like and she starts talking about how hot some other guy is or anything like that. I don't like it, but it happens. It's a mental scar. Those don't heal.

It's just hard for me sometimes. It shouldn't be, but it is. My childhood, it was messed up and maybe I should be over it, but it's hard. It's even harder when no one wants to give you the chance to be in a relationship either.

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Baseball's pissing me off. It has nothing to do with how the Indians are playing either. It's this labor mess. Why the fuck are millionaire players and owners squabbling over money? Why does Bud Selig take fans to be idiots and try and make us believe that baseball's losing money? If baseball owners are business men, why would they continue to let their franchises lose money?

If players care about the fans, why do they keep asking for more and more? It doesn't make sense to me and I can see why a lot of fans are turned off by the game. Why should fans care about a sport where every 7 or 8 years, there's a dispute over money? Why should fans care about players who make more per game then most people make in a year?

The sport of baseball, more than any other sport, is furthest out of touch with its fans. This doesn't happen in football. No, in football, people show up by the busloads to watch a team no matter what. Labor dispute? Hardly a whisper of one. In basketball, it was resolved with very little mess, although the players still make too much money in either sport and basketball's just too boring to watch anymore.

It's almost to the point where the labor dispute has pretty much overshadowed what makes baseball such a great game. Sure, you can say it's too long, but baseball unlike so many sports gives teams more chances to win. You don't see too many comebacks in football when a team's down by a couple touchdowns or when a team in basketball's down by 20 points. But ten run deficits in baseball? It can happen and it does, no matter who the team might be.

Baseball also isn't as dependent on one player as other sports. Yeah, the pitcher needs to perform, but on offense, guys can have an off day and the team still in a position to do well because the rest of the team can pick him up or he can make a play in the field that saves a run and possibly the game.

For the most part, a lot of baseball players are people we can identify with. They work hard, the play hard, and they give their best every night to try and win. Jim Thome is that kind of player, which is why he's a fan favorite. The blue collar guys, we love them in baseball. Fans also love the scrappers, the guys who do whatever it takes to win and sometimes go a bit overboard in trying.

This labor thing though. It's not that difficult a thing to handle, but neither side likes each other so it's made that more difficult. It's not like they really want to work something out, they just want as big a piece of the pie as possible to fatten their wallets.

Unfortunately, baseball's become about greed to most fans, and that's something that is going to be hard to shake if they work out a deal. Imagine if they can't and the players strike.

I would think it would be hard for baseball to overcome that. It just might be the last blow.

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Hopefully the rest of the day goes better then it's been so far. I'm going to go to Tri-C first and finish up registration, unless they give me more shit then I'm just gonna say the fuck with them. But hopefully I'll be able to talk about which classes I'm going to take come this fall.

Then it will be off to Southpark Mall in Strongsville where I'm going to finally get some more clothes, although I don't really know what yet. I need some more t-shirts, work shirts, and jeans, although I could also use more sox, boxers, and khakis as well.

Then comes the pharmacy party at Tony K's where I'll at least be able to laugh at the nonsense that comes out of Jim's mouth. That should be fun.

I'm supposed to go to Six Flags tomorrow, so hopefully that will go well as I get ready to go back to work.

No more stress, that's all I want right now.