MY LIFE - AUGUST

Thursday, August 15, 2002

I don't feel as bad as I felt yesterday, but I still feel like shit. This cold or whatever it is just kind of snuck up on me and hit me hardest yesterday while I tried to actually accomplish something on my vacation week.

It only figures that I get this sick while on vacation. I guess it's a good thing since yesterday, if I had to work, it wouldn't have happened. I was down for the count from the start and it never really got better. It actually got worse as they day went on and pretty much kept me grounded until I went to get the dogs at around midnight.

Then I had to actually drive back, dope up Anubis so that he doesn't wail away all night, and make sure Shade calmed down enough so that I could walk out of the room without him barking up a storm. Well, Anubis calmed down right in the middle of my bed, which made it a little interesting when it was time for me to sleep.

I had to pick him up and move him off to side without completely disturbing him, which was made easier by the fact that he was drugged and really unable to wake up. He ended up getting up just long enough to circle a couple of times, then drop back down onto the bed. Then he was out until my mom got back home at around 8am.

Now it was time for the damn birds to start screeching away. And did they screech. Usually, they'll stop after a few minutes, but this morning, it was nonstop. I think my mom was so tired that she never heard them, but they were freaking loud. They woke me up every 20 minutes and I do NOT like to be disturbed like that. It makes me crabby.

I finally pulled myself out of bed early in the afternoon, but I still didn't feel too good, so I sat on my bed and played "Perfect Dark" for a couple hours, eventually beating the game on the easiest difficulty. Yeah, I'm a puss. I'm actually gonna try and beat it on the next level, which is the level I'm on with Mike when we play that game together.

I'm not a big video game fan anymore though. I still play them, but it's not with the same devotion that I used to have back when I had like no one to hang out with. Now, I at least have people to talk to and hang out with, so I don't have to play games to pass the time unless no one's around.

When I do play, I don't like to be bothered though and I don't really care for anyone complaining about me playing a certain game. I play "High Heat Baseball 2003," "MTV Music Generator," and "Perfect Dark" more than anything else right now.

Yeah, I said MTV Music Generator. I like making music, and now my mom's got this brilliant idea that she's going to get a keyboard and she's gonna have me make music and then send it out. I get to learn the keyboard now, which isn't so bad since I do think it would be pretty cool to make music. I don't see a career out of it, but it's something that would be fun to mess with.

Anyway, the music generator is neat, if a bit limited. Sure, you can choose from a ton of riffs and make your own, but the process is a bit more tedious then it probably should be and there really isn't a lot of hip-hop oriented sounds to choose from either.

I have made a few songs, although I've been tweaking them a bit. One's a pure hip-hop sound while the rest are combinations of a hip-hop beat with different kinds of melodies. One's kind of trippy sounding if you ask me, but it was fun to make nonetheless.

I get annoyed with it though, especially when I can't get a sound to do what I want. On the other hand, I get a kick out of making some weird ass song that makes no sense.

In any case, when stressed, Perfect Dark is the game for me. And High Heat lets me think that the Indians just might be good, even if it's just a game and half the players on my roster are gone.

Which reminds me, I got bored and have been doing a simulated World Series rematch between the Arizona Diamondbacks and New York Yankees, and so far it's all New York, 2-0. Both games were close, the Yankees winning game 1 4-3 and game 2 2-0, beating Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson.

Oh yeah, it's pathetic.

---

I've sat and thought about a lot of things, so I'm gonna try and break some of it down, even if you don't care to hear it.

First off, the whole situation at work from every angle really sucks. Not only are two pharmacists talking about how they might not last at the store, there's talk from techs that they might not stick around either. All in all, the atmosphere sucks and no one's making any kind of attempt to get along with the pharmacist Keith.

Then again, he's not making much of an effort to appeal to everyone either. Instead of coming in and discussing what he would like to do, which is usually standard, he's come in and tried to change everything without even asking others what they thought.

Steve and Nate hate the pharmacist schedule and are both trying to find a way out of the store, the techs are mad because Keith's trying to change how the flow of the pharmacy works. He's trying to replicate what goes on at his old store, which just doesn't work at our store. We're too busy and the process we have is working fine.

Naturally, everyone complains to me and asks me to try and do something. Like I can get anything accomplished. I've already had my run-in with him as it is involving my inventory so I don't really think I can just go up to him and talk to him about all this shit.

Besides, it's not my place and I don't want to be in the middle of everyone's complaints. I'm already catching heat cause Shelby was interviewed the other day. I've had several people ask me if we were dating for crying out loud, which isn't the case! Man, all I did was listen to this girl's problems one night and no one can let that shit die.

I know if she gets hired again to take the day shift that I'm vacating, I'm gonna be hearing it for the longest time. Now don't get me wrong, I like Shelby as a friend, but she'd drive me crazy if I tried to date her. It's not impossible, but it would probably cause me to lose some hair. I know it's coming though. Everyone's gonna look at me and think that I helped get her the job, which also isn't true since I barely talked to Steve about it the night she came by to see me.

I know it isn't going to die though. Shit, just what I needed too. Maybe I will transfer.

Second thing on my mind...My dad got a hold of my mom's cell phone number and has left her one message already. He just won't let go and it's going to make things really hard on us again.

I guess he also called my sister's cell too, so fuck if I know what's going to happen. I know he still thinks that we're all one big happy family, but that hasn't been true for years now and will never happen again. He's just so messed up in the head that he can't let it go.

My third thought doesn't really bother me like it had been, but it's something I've very rarely talked about and it's time to get it out for once and all.

Back when I was in middle school, I was an easy target. I've talked about this before, but never really mentioned the thing that upset me most about my time then. It doesn't seem like much now, but back then, it was the most hurtful thing that was done to me, something that's really left a mark that's never left.

The big joke, and I know I've mentioned it but bear with me, took place in my math class just about everyday, which makes it even more pathetic. It involved anywhere from 3 to 5 people and one of those people was always a girl that I found attractive.

Basically what happened was one kid, usually the same guy, would start whispering to me that so and so liked me. I just shrugged it off, so the note would start passing around where the girl would claim that she really liked me and that she didn't understand why I didn't believe her. Just to shut them up, I'd say that I liked her, which would cue the laughter and the whole "I was just joking, I don't really like you like that" kind of shit.

This went on for about a week with a different girl saying she liked me. Finally I think I got so pissed off that I finally said something really mean along the lines of "I liked you before, but now I don't because you can't stop making fun of me" and a few more things that weren't really nice.

That did the trick. The next day I got a note that was from two of the nicer girls involved (who I did end up being friends with) with apologies from both and that it would never happen again. They both apologized in person as well and I pretty much let it slide. The one kid though who started it, I didn't let it slide with him. I told my best friend how I felt about him and suddenly, after a confrontation one day, that kid was suddenly cool to me.

The damage had been done though. It's still sometimes hard for me to believe that a girl would like me and that episode has a lot to do with it. I also know the whole story about how cruel kids can be when they're younger and all that shit, but this was beyond cruel. This was the worst thing that was ever done to me and it's something that will always stick in my mind.

It was also something that helped propel me to make changes in my appearance and manner. Those changes have continued to evolve to the point I'm at today. I'm still skeptical about a girl liking me and my appearance. I guess I'll always be that way, but who knows. I just know that I never want to sound like someone who thinks they're hot shit.

Cause I know I'm not.