MY LIFE - AUGUST
Monday, August 19, 2002
I'm tired. I'm going to warn you right now. Whatever I write in this entry is going to be influenced by that factor. I was up way too late talking with my friend Lindsay, but I don't even care about that. I chose to stay up, so oh well. It took me a while today, but I didn't eventually wake up enough to get myself going.
Here's the best part: I'm in a pretty good mood right now. I've been in a pretty good mood for the last two days, strangely enough it's after I've gone back to work too. It doesn't have anything to do with that though. I just feel better about myself right now and I've been sleeping better since I've moved over to the bigger bed.
I'm sleeping on a much firmer surface, I'm having good conversations with people, and I think that just maybe my life might be on the right track. I'm going back to school, I'm working in a stable job (for me, everyone else is stressed), and our house is slowly coming along. I can't really look at myself and what's going on and complain. Sure, dating isn't going as well as it could, but I'm still meeting some cool people and one girl I'm talking to the most, I get good vibes from her.
I've just been more relaxed lately and it's a change of pace. I bought clothes. I don't worry about my car payment being late or my insurance falling off. I have money to fall back on for once. I actually started to catch some breaks (spending all day at Six Flags trying to find Lindsay without luck was not one of them), things have slowly started going the way that I want them too.
I do have to thank Lindsay. She pretty much knocked it in my head that I shouldn't get all worked up over the dating thing, just let things happen and it'll fall into place. So what a lot of girls look past me? Those girls aren't worth my time either, so there's no reason to trip over it.
I'm just in a better frame of mind. My humor's been sharper lately. I'm making more people laugh more frequently. I just feel good right now and it's weird. Since the fire, I've been on one big rollercoaster emotionally, usually hiding it from people, but it's there. The mood swings. I hate mood swings. I was like that a couple years ago where everyday was a different mood for me.
The fire I think really knocked reality into my system. You really sit there thinking "this doesn't happen to me, it happens to other people." Meanwhile, firefighters are kicking out windows, spraying water all over the place, and I can only stand there and watch.
It's still surreal for me to think about it. It's almost like it didn't really happen, like what I'm seeing is just a figment of my imagination or some movie. Then I go back to the house and look at the third floor being rebuilt and it really did happen. It happened when I was the only one who could've been home.
I still wonder if I had been home, would I have been able to get the cats out of the attic in time? What difference would it have made? Probably not much, but I know this much, I would've tried. It hurt so much inside to look up at the third floor, knowing there are four cats and a ferrit unable to get out. I almost started crying that night and then again the day after when we were burying those animals.
So much has changed since then though. Teresa and Dan are no longer together. I guess things got bad in a hurry and I always worried about that relationship. Dan, while a nice guy, could be a real asshole sometimes, a guy who had his own way of doing things. He also took advantage of the situation, especially with my Playstation 2. He played it more then me and that was something that I ended up cutting him off of.
Teresa's now staying with her new boyfriend in Parma. I'm typically the only in the room at night. My mom's working like crazy. I'm going back to school in three days. I'm talking to a really great girl now.
The fire, yeah, it messed a lot of things up, but it also made a lot of things possible that wouldn't be possible or probably happened if it hadn't happened. I can't really tell you that for sure though.
Life's funny like that though. Bad things can often disguise good things down the road. That's what makes it such an adventure sometimes.
I've been buying CD's again, partly because I've needed something new to listen to. Sure, the Eminem CD is good, but music is something that helps me chill out. So what I'm the whitest person in the planet that's listening to rap? I like it, always have liked it, and probably always will. I do connect more with songs that have some actual meaning behind them.
The last CD that I've bought is Scarface's "The Fix." The CD was a bit of a surprise for me though. Scarface has been rapping for 15 years and it's pretty much been straight gangsta rap the whole way through. He was part of the Geto Boys who helped fuel the rise of rap and as a solo artist, it's been one hard album after another.
This one is the same except for three songs, "What Can I Do?" featuring Kelly Price, "Someday" featuring Faith Evans, and "Heaven" also featuring Kelly Price. "What Can I Do?" is basically about how much of a struggle life can be and is probably his most revealing song. Rhymes asking how a woman can kill her kids are the most revealing as you actually see how much of a human he can be.
"Someday" is a song for a friend that died and pretty much lets everyone know how much he misses this friend and how different life is without that guy around. He also makes it clear that he's made bad choices in life and he realizes the mistakes he made.
"Heaven" is one of those songs that you hear and you're not sure that you actually heard things right. Rap's filled with songs about women in less than inviting ways, but this one is different. He gives praise to his wife, his girl who's been there no matter what. The name of the song says it all though.
I like the CD. Listening to those three songs can really calm me, ease my mind. Those are my favorite kinds of songs.
I've pretty much come to grips with how I feel about the dating thing. After listening to Lindsay pretty much tell me to stop wondering what was making some girls take a pass on me, I realized that she was right.
I can't sit and think that there's something wrong with me when a girl decides that I'm not worth the time. Hey, if I'm not worth your time, then you're not worth my time and that's all there is to it. I know I'm not a bad guy. I have my moods, yeah, but I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I'm just not the kind of guy a lot of girls are looking for.
It's really okay though. A lot of these girls, they would probably drive me crazy. They're the kind of girls who obsess over their appearance, who think the most built and outgoing guys are the only guys worth getting with and trying to hook up with. They're also the ones who want intelligence, sweetness, shit, everything. It's not going to happen either, but I can't knock them for reaching high.
I'm attracted to girls who are cute, who show a little shyness sometimes, and are just more easy going then some girls. Girls who aren't afraid to laugh at something stupid, who aren't all obsessed with looks, and who won't go flipping out because they get a little dirty. Prissiness is something that bothers the shit out of me.
The girl I've been talking to, Lindsay, she embodies the things I look for in a girl. She's cute, she's funny as hell, I can make her laugh, and she's really easy to talk to about, well, anything.
That's the kind of girl I like being around. The popular girl who knows like every person, I just don't think it's for me.
I guess I should explain that title on the top of your browser....There seems to be a common occurence where someone either can't cook or someone thinks they're funny and decides to pull a stunt.
That god-damned alarm goes off every couple days and it's so damn loud. Now, not once have I ever heard of any kind of fire, but I have seen a little kid go running off moments after one goes off. I also know some people just can't cook.
Well, it went off again today and it didn't shut off for about ten minutes. Meanwhile, people are walking around outside like nothing's going on. Either I'm the only one who can hear it (which I seriously find hard to believe), or they just don't really care if something's on fire.
It finally did shut off, but I could hear a smoke detector going off repeatedly for several minutes afterward, so I pretty much came to the conclusion that someone just didn't know how to cook.
It's not rocket science. The stoves in the rooms, they do have this fan mechanism that you can turn on that helps remove the steam/smoke from the kitchen area. I think whoever it is that can't cook should consider that next time they burn their food.
It reminds me of a time when my dad did something stupid while cooking. I mean, we're talking he could've killed us both if he hadn't gotten lucky. He was making fries or something like that, something that requires grease in the pan. Well, I walked out of the room for a moment and all of a sudden, he's flipping out and all I see is smoke coming from the kitchen.
He had managed to start a grease fire by not paying attention to what he had been doing, then the moron tried to put it out by pouring water on it. Here's a word of advice: do NOT put water on a grease fire. All it does is spread it. It's really simple. Grease is ligher then water. All that happens is the fire floats on top of the water and ends up spreading.
Luckily, he got it into the sink, threw on the water, and flushed it all down the drain. There was a little smoke damage to the wall above the stove, but all in all, a very lucky break.
Can't imagine what the pipes looked like on the inside.
Not too long ago, I was back in Brunswick for some reason or another, and I decided to go back by my old house. I had seen that it had been bought and I could tell people were living there, but I didn't really get a good look because it was dark at the time.
I drove by also because I grew up there and I felt this feeling that was almost like I needed to make sure whoever was there was right for the place. Yeah, it's kind of silly, but shit, I spent a long time in that house. 18 years of my life were spent growing up in one of the rooms of that house, a house that has pretty much seen it all.
I went by and saw a couple of younger kids running around, playing in the front yard. It was a nice thing to see, someone having fun in the yard. It seems like it's a decent-sized family, but it was still hard to tell. I guess the only real way to find out would be to go up to the door and explain myself, but I don't want to do that. As much as I miss the house, it's no longer part of me.
Deep down though, I wish my dad would've just sold us the house. I didn't realize it at the time, but I never wanted to leave the place I called home.
We just had another exciting edition of catch the cat with spooks. Now, for those who've kept count, you know that this would be the third time we've had to try and catch this cat for one reason or another. First time was when we needed to take him to the vet and I nearly lost my arm. Second time was after the fire and we needed to try and get him and his counterparts into the furthest reaches of the basement (go back to the June 2002 archives to read about that one).
Well, just moments ago, he escaped again, but didn't get very far and this one featured far less running and biting then I have been accustomed to. In actuallity he got himself cornered and didn't seem that intent on running away from my mom or myself either. It only took a few minutes for my mom to clear a path back to the cage, grab him, drag him, and then toss him back into the cage. He made a very feeble move like he was considering biting, but didn't actually go through with an attack.
As much as this cat gets spooked, what compels him to run out and get himself into these situations baffles me. He likes being around us, but he still acts like he'd rather bite our arms off then let us handle him at times.
I say if he escapes again, let him run around until he gets tired. Maybe then I'll feel a little more comfortable trying to catch him. Otherwise, I am not getting too close.
The last time really fucking hurt.
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