Tuesday, September 10, 2002
There's no way around it. I was going to try and get through the next couple of days and not talk about a certain subject, but I don't think I'll be able to manage that after talking to a few of you tonight.
I didn't really want to mention September 11. I didn't. I still don't. You can turn on the tv right now and find at least a dozen specials on the day and tomorrow's going to be worse. Everyone's going to be commemorating the day in one fashion or another and it would not only be inexcusable, but also an insult to the victims if I didn't at least say something about the whole thing.
For starters, how much is too much? Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, there's some mention of the day. Many people are going to wear shirts. Everyone will at least mention it once. It's something that's impossible to get away from, but is that really what we should be doing?
Think about it for a minute. The terrorists responsible for this (the ones still alive), are probably giddy over how much this is going to take over the country come tomorrow. Not only are they getting the attention they want, but it's also something that could pose a huge distraction. Now, I don't think that there's going to be any kind of attack planned in the near future despite the ominous news reports, but tomorrow would be a prime time for it.
I also wonder just how much the victims of this tragedy need to be reminded of it. I know if that I had lost someone, I'd want to show my respects, but I wouldn't want to sit and watch it on tv over and over again. I don't want to be reminded of how that day unfolded. I don't want to sit and watch all this depressing coverage on the tv. It's a good thing to remember what happened, but there's a high level of oversaturation taking place that's weakening the meaning behind it all.
On the other hand, the day is a day that will live in my mind for the rest of my life. I will still never forget the feeling that I had inside when I first saw what was happening on the tv, the empty feeling, the feeling that this couldn't be happening. It was an awful feeling, a feeling I'd like to forget, but one that will be with me the rest of my life.
As a country, we have constantly underestimated the will and power of other nations and rogue groups. Think back to Vietnam. That was supposed to be a war where we were in and out. Instead, we got our collective asses kicked because we threw our weight around in a situation that was beyond our control. This nation, mostly the government, has had this idea that we need to police the rest of the world.
What should have happened in response to 9/11 was a realization that we can't police the world, that we can't get involved with every nations' problems. We should've learned that a lot of countries don't want us involved in foreign affairs. That's why Americans are targets of terrorists. It's not just because we pump out all our pop culture across the world whether anyone else wants it or not. It's a big factor, but it's not the prime one. The prime factor is our involvence with other nations.
There's always going to be war in this world. Pakistan and Israel will probably never get along. The United States makes the situation worse though by supporting one side when really neither side should be supported. Each side has done things that no one would ever condone in this country, yet we still go in and try and say that Israel has a right to do what they do? It's hypocritical and it's a big reason why we're a target.
Until we learn to start staying out of other countries' problems, we are going to be a target. There's no way to appease all sides and there shouldn't be. We shouldn't have to go in and fix someone else's problem. We can't fix our own for crying out loud, yet we can go across seas and fix the world?
How about this one for you: Saudia Arabia is an ally, yet 15 of the 19 hijackers came from that country. The only reason Saudia Arabia is an ally? We need the oil export. If there was no economic reason for an alliance, they'd be on the list of countries supporting terrorism. It's something to think about when you go to praise that country for helping the United States.
I guess I'm really feeling mixed emotions concerning tomorrow. You want to do what's respectful, at the same time we need to put it behind us. This country really has not changed at all since the events. We've lost some freedoms, but nothing has really been done. President Bush, well, he's a moron and it's continuing to show. All this action that was supposed to occur, well, it never happened did it. Instead, everyone's worried abour Iraq again.
Popular culture was supposed to be weakened by what happened. That didn't exactly happen. If anything pop culture has gotten worse. "American Idol" is prime suspect number one. No, I did not watch much of it, but that was because it was a waste of programming time. I really don't care to watch someone who has little talent try and become some big celebrity. I'm not interested. That's another reason we're a target. We're so damned concerned with being celebrities and everyone wants to be heard. We put such a high stock on trivial matters instead of what's important. Why else would $400 million ballparks be built while education in most cities is terrible? Classrooms are filthy, books are inadequate, and teachers don't give a shit because they make shit, yet we shell out millions on sports?
We are as a nation a hypocritical nation. I love music, sports, and entertainment as much as the next person. I myself have been a hypocrit. I'm aware of it. I'm also aware that going to school shouldn't cost an arm and a leg to deal with inadequate school systems. 3% of the population shouldn't be controlling 90% of the money, but that's how this country works.
The store where I work, I'd say 40% of the customers are on welfare. Some of them just don't want to work, but a lot of them are people who can't get adequate help. They're uneducated, jobless, have kids, and can't get any kind of help at all. Meanwhile, people playing games and providing entertainment are making millions.
The focus in this country is in the wrong places. 9/11 was supposed to change that. It hasn't. Other things haven't changed either. People are just as rude, if not ruder now. Airport security is a joke at best. Politicians are back to bickering and the bipartisanship that was supposed to have evaporated with the attacks.
Giant corporations suddenly didn't make as much money as they said they had. Enron practically collapsed when it became clear that executives had lied. KMart, Worldcom, and other large companies had to declare bankruptcy after they found out they didn't make as much money as previously thought. The stock market plummeted and scandal became a regular thing.
It makes me shake my head, it really does. This country was supposed to change for the better and instead, has gone the opposite direction. We've regressed as a society because we didn't really learn anything from these attacks. For a while, everyone got along and it seemed like a majority of people had realized what needed to be done, but that's changed.
Last year at this time, we were talking about Gary Condit, shark attacks, and Britney Spears. This year, we're talking about Iraq, "American Idol," and other inconsequential items.
Now, I'm not trying to come across as some disgruntled American who hates what has happened. I'm not and I don't. I just feel that we're being hypocritical in the way we're remembering the attacks.
I'm proud to be American and I always will be. I love being an American and feel more of a connection with others than I ever have in my life. My changes are not related to 9/11 though. My changes are on a more personal level and reflect the circumstances I've dealt with through the years.
The flip side of the coin are the people who have genuinely changed. Read your paper and read some of the stories that people have. Those who never knew each other before the attacks were suddenly becoming best friends. One story in yesterday's Plain Dealer was about two families, one from the Cleveland area, another from New York. A man from Cleveland had sent a man in New York a letter and that letter led to a friendship that's described by both sides as more a second family kind of thing. It's one of many amazing stories that have come from the attacks.
There was a lot of good that came from the events. A lot of people did change. Those are the people who should be focused on and who should be in a position to do more.
As a result, this entry and any entry I might write tomorrow are dedicated to the memories of those who were lost in the attacks.
I've been walking a fine line with the 9/11 thing since my column on it back in July. I am not afraid to write something that's contrary to the popular opinion, which is a throwback to my days when I did and said a lot of things that weren't popular because I was being different.
My attitude has lightened considerably in the last couple of years, but that does not mean that I'm going to suddenly conform to what might be popular. The easiest thing for me to do would be to write some glorification entry on 9/11 and how it's inspired the country and done all this good, but that wouldn't be honest writing. I'm not going to compromise the quality of my writing or my views just because something I say might not sit well.
My thoughts and views are often different from other people. A lot of people look for the good in an event. Others look for the bad. I tend to look at the event and say what I honestly felt happened because of it. That's how I can turn an event that was good into a somewhat negative thing because I'll see a point that everyone else was ignoring. I'm a very objective person as well. That's how I can sit here and criticize myself and at the same time, recognize that I might have done something good.
I see sides of issues that a lot of people choose to ignore or pretend didn't happen. Part of that is from a journalism class I took in high school. I failed the class (mostly because I gave two shits about it after a week), but I learned that you have to be able to see all sides of an issue. It's hard to debate with me sometimes because I'll point something out that no one else noticed.
I guess it also makes my writing more interesting at times.
The one thing I want to improve is being funny in this site more. I have a good sense of humor. I've said that time and time again. Unfortunately, this medium doesn't allow me to show it as well. My humor's spur of the moment most of the time. I take a situation and find something funny in it. Sarcasm doesn't translate into written words very well either, so you don't see the sarcastic side of me as much.
My personality and attitude changes are what has made school bearable for me this time around. I don't feel bored out of my mind when I'm in class now. I think part of my hating school so much was because I was highly uncomfortable around people. I'm not like that anymore. I still don't say much, but I'm not muttering one word answers when someone talks to me. I actually give a decent response.
I don't feel pressure on me either. It could be because I've grown as a person. I don't know. Two years ago, I couldn't stand being in a classroom and couldn't wait to get out. Now, I take the notes, do the work, and then carry on with the day. I don't feel a rush to do things a certain way and that's reflective of my change in personality. I'm growing and evolving as a person, something that can't be said for some people.
Sometimes I wish I'd stop though. When you don't talk to someone for a few months and then you run into them again, it's hard to sit there and explain certain things. I've run into that with a couple of girls who are coming back to work. None of the returning college girls recognized me right away because I had cut my hair before they left. I'm just different from what I was earlier in the year and it's going to take some time for them to get used to it.
It's hard to explain. If you're confused, I'm sorry. It happens. Talking to me can get like that. I've said many things that didn't make sense and I'm always going to be like that. I'm scatterbrained at times. I can't help it.
I'm also still adjusting to the increase in attention. I'm not used to girls finding me attractive and I'm not used to any kind of flirting, so I haven't exactly figured out how to respond to that. I'm a dink, I know it.
One thing that will never change is you'll never hear me complain about my life or how things are going. I know I've got it pretty good and I know the things that I've been through happened for a reason. Those things have molded me and I'll never back down from a challenge. I truly believe that I can make it through anything in life.
My outlook on life used to be really bad. I still expect things to go wrong, but for the most part, I know I'll make it through and I know there are better days ahead. Life goes on and so will I.
Truth be told, outside of not knowing what's happening with Erin and my constant sickness, I've been in a very good frame of mind over the last month or so. I do feel that things have finally started to change for the better and that things will continue to get better. I'm on the right path right now and I know what I need to do to keep things going.
I'm pretty satisfied with life and where it's headed.
Now, Shade is not the smartest dog we've ever had. He's also not the stupidest. He kind of falls in the middle, doing brilliant things one day, doing stupid things the next. Among his stupid things is falling off the couch and thinking that the cats are toys.
Today, he had a moment of brilliance. When we walk the dogs, we leave the door cracked open so that we can get back in without our card key. Now, I noticed that Shade could get back in without assistance when the door's cracked open when I walk him back in. Well, my mom was walking him and he got away from her and went running around. She gave up chasing him and figured he'd come back eventually.
She went back to the room and opened the door, only to find Shade sitting inside on the couch, waiting for her to come back. He had run all around the complex and had been able to find his way back to the room, then get back in. This surprised her but I had seen him do it before, only not to that extreme.
Tomorrow, he'll probably do something stupid to make up for it. That's Shade for you. Can't help but love him though.
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