Friday, September 10, 2004

I'll get into why I haven't written in such a long time and what I've been up to the last few weeks in a few moments.

There is one singular thing I want to talk about in this entry and it affects everyone I currently know online. I've come to realize a few things about myself and others and feel the only thing to do is explain what I'm doing, the reasons why, and what the end result is going to be.

For starters, I'm very much disenchanted with the internet. Simply put, there's just a complete lack of trust in the internet and a complete lack of understanding about me online in general. It seems that everytime I've met someone who seemed like they were going to be a good match for me in one way or another, I've run into roadblocks of some kind.

The reason why is simple. I look at meeting through the internet differently than others. While others look at the internet as just a place to meet people to talk and nothing more, I look at it as another way to make real-life friends who I can physically hang out with at some point in time. I don't have the same reservations that other people have and I don't need to know that much about someone before I'm willing to meet them.

Say what you want about that, but it's how I am. When I use various sites to talk to new people, specifically those from around where I live, it's with the idea of at some point hanging out and being actual friends. Unfortunately for me, most everyone else doesn't share that idea.

I've talked to a number of people who are very cool people, and yes, they are almost all girls. That in itself would lead most to believe that my primary goal is to hook-up with one of these girls for something more. That isn't the case. It may have been a few years ago, but it isn't now and it certainly isn't going to change in light of what's continued to happen.

I go through sites such as HotorNot and SWYDM to find new people to hang out with and become friends with. If I hang out with a girl and something more starts to develop, than I'm fine with that. That's not the main goal however.

Yes, I find things about a girl intriguing while talking to her. Yes I start to think that this girl is going to be a great girl. And yes, I can get ahead of myself and push things in a way that is uncomfortable. It's called enthusiasm and I'm sorry that I'm so damn interested in meeting some of you.

What I can't understand is how someone can sit there and say that I'm a nice guy and I'm cute, and yet that not be enough. I'm not going to sit here and prove myself continuously as if I'm trying to promote myself when all it's going to get me is a "hey, you're nice and cute and all, but I'm not sure if I want to actually meet you." And no, I'm not taking shots at people. It's a general frustration that's starting to agitate me.

What more do I have to do as a person to convince people that I'm genuine? What more do I have to do to show that I am someone who has a lot to talk about, who can be a lot of fun when out and about? What is it about me that makes people so damn hesitant to just hang out with me? I'm not propositioning for sex. I'm not trying to make every girl I talk to into a girlfriend. I'm just trying to find new people to hang out with and have fun with.

I like going out. I don't get to do it enough, but I like doing it. Is it wrong for me to want to make new friends to do so with? Sure, it's the internet, but who the hell cares anymore? It's like it was five or ten years ago when you had no way of knowing who was on the other end. I have a web cam. I can broadcast to any of you if you want.

Shit, I don't even have cooties.

Yes, I'm frustrated. And maybe it's my own fault for giving people the benefit of the doubt too often too soon. Maybe you aren't what I thought you were. Why the hell should I be the one who's always trying to think of things to say? If I bore you, tell me. Don't let me think that you're interested when you're not. All you're doing is setting me up for a big fall and I can't really take anymore of this shit.

What it is leading to is a simple decision. One, I'm going to retire the wservo9a screen name from AIM. I've had it for years upon years and it harkens back to a different time for me. So different that I don't even really like to explain its origins since most people have no clue anyway.

For those who want to know, the name came from "Mystery Science Theater 3000," a hilarious tv show. There was a character, a robot named Tom Servo, who was going to be the source for weather on the Satellite of Love. His name was going to be Weather Servo 9. Shorten that to wservo9 and you have my very first screen name on AOL, then add an "a" after they decided to delete that name for me.

Back to what I was talking about though. I'm retiring that name. I've created a new screen name, davydoodles80, which is a combination of two nicknames and the year I was born. The first part, "davy," is what I still get called sometimes. The second, "doodles," is a nickname I was given by someone I work with. No, I don't know why. The third part is obvious. I was born in 1980.

With this new beginning of sorts, I'm shrinking the size of my buddy list. Those who I rarely talk to are basically being eliminated. The ones that do survive are people I either already have a great friendship with or people I feel could still be good friends.

I'm still debating whether or not to make a new yahoo name since I really don't use that messenger anymore anyway. It would also create a new problem since I have this web site linked to that screen name. I do not feel like moving the site again. Trust me on that.

What it also means is that I'm removing myself further from the internet. Yes, I'll still write on here, and yes, I'll still talk to the people that I have on my lists, but I don't know how much time I will be spending time online to talk. Those who have my cell phone number, there's a reason for that. You are the ones I feel are going to be the best friends and the people I want to hang out with most.

Those who don't, it's more a matter of where you might live than anything else.

My online time is going to be reduced though because I am going to make a new effort to meet new people in more traditional methods. If I'm out with friends and I see a girl looking at me a lot, I'm going to talk to her if I find interest in her. If a guy thinks I'm cool and wants to hang out, then so be it. I don't have anything against guys. I don't always get along or see eye-to-eye, but I don't have anything against them.

I've come to the realization that I'm one of the few that doesn't see the internet as a bad way to meet people in person. The chances of finding someone else who feels the same is very small. I'm a realist. I know what this means.

But more so, I've begun to see why so many people don't trust the internet. I see why it happens and why I am not going to rely on it. It simply isn't a good enough method of meeting people.

I have friends. Not a lot, but I have them. I also have the thought of going back to school to contend with. There's a big chance of meeting new people that way. I have other options.

My main one didn't work out. It's time to move on to the next option.

I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I didn't feel like so many didn't give a shit about me. I wish a lot of things. I wish that people wouldn't make it seem like they're that interested in me when they aren't. I wish people wouldn't make it seem like they care when they really don't.

I like some of you enough to want to meet you, but none of you want to meet me. I can't help that. I can't help that being a "nice guy" isn't enough. It's never enough. It never has been. I doubt it ever will be.

One hard lesson I've learned is girls don't really care for the nice guys much. They all seem to want the guys who get into trouble and who are bigger and stronger than I ever will be. Don't give me any shit about that not being true. I could go through a dozen profiles on any of these sites out there and of those, 3/4 will have something about desiring a guy with a good body listed among things they want.

You know what? I want to say fuck all those girls too. I really do, but I can't blame them. It works both ways. I'll be the first to admit that I'll notice a girl who's wearing a skimpy outfit and who's drop-dead gorgeous before some other girl who's even a little more conservatively dressed but is probably a better girl to try and get with.

Note how I wrote that. I said "notice" and nothing more. I will notice, but at the same time think something along the lines of "is probably a houch and not a good girl to try and date." Whereas I'll see the other girl and think "she looks cute and like someone who'd be fun to talk to."

I also know that the drop-dead girls will never look my way. It's not how this world works. I understand my limitations and I work with what I've got. The problem is, most of you never see who I am to the fullest. It takes a while to unravel all the layers to my personality. I have difficulty talking at first. I can't really explain it. I'm just never comfortable asking a bunch of questions. I just want to talk about things. Therein is the problem. You have to know what to talk about and that requires asking questions. So it doesn't work well.

Those who have known me for a while could probably speak better for me than I could anyway. Talk to Sarah or Nichole from work about me and listen to what they have to say. Talk to Megan, who actually dated me, and listen to what she has to say (and ignore any threats; she's just looking out for me and doesn't want me to get hurt). Talk to those who do know me.

I hate talking about myself. Makes me feel like I'm promoting myself when I'm not. Also talk to those people because they've seen the different layers of who I am. They've seen me on my good days, when I can be seen singing along with Sarah to the "Popeye the Sailor Man" theme song, or quoting a song from "SouthPark: The Movie."

Those people are infinitely more qualified to describe me than I am. Me? I just blab about things that mean nothing.

Like this.

There's more to what I'm doing too. I've done some bad things to people that I wouldn't normally ever do and that's from getting myself into situations I shouldn't have gotten myself into. One involved a girl named Jessica. The bottom line is I shouldn't have tried a relationship with her when I did. I wasn't ready and rather than continue to get to know her and see how things went from there like a sane person would've, I jumped in, discovered I wasn't ready, and in the end, wasn't good to her at all. I was in fact surprised that she even tried talking to me again. I didn't deserve it.

I still don't honestly know if I'm ready. I feel like I am, but there's still a part of me that wonders if I really am. All it would take is one night out with some of my friends to make a big mess and I don't want to risk that sort of thing. Basically put, alcohol mixed with a couple of friends who happen to be pretty girls can get you into trouble in a hurry if you're dating someone else.

I don't need that, nor do I want to inflict that sort of hurt on a girl.

So in attempting to meet new people, I'm attempting to guage how ready I am for a relationship and want to make sure it's with the right girl. I don't want to make anymore mistakes in this area. I can't afford anymore. I've done enough damage as it is.

The final reason for the change in my screen name is to eliminate the "fake" friends, the ones that initially seem to want to talk to me, but then decide that I'm not interesting enough for them. I've had a few people im me again after not talking to me for a long time for any number of reasons, and while that's all fine and dandy, it isn't cool if you're just simply bored and have no one else to talk to and decide that you want to talk to me again after several months of silence.

There are cases where I haven't talked to someone for a while, but it's usually because I haven't been on at the same time as them, I accidentally deleted their name from my buddy list, or if I have their phone number, lost it or accidentally deleted it from my phone. Those things happen.

As does signing up with a site, then not using it after a while because it isn't what you thought it once was. I've done this a few times myself, which is something I'm not proud of, but it happens. You join a site because it seems like it's easy to meet new people, then it changes and it isn't so easy anymore.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for the internet. I would rather talk to someone face to face than through a window on my screen. I'll admit that. There's just this feeling that it's not as genuine, not as personal when you're typing a conversation instead of talking to someone in person. I like the intimacy I suppose.

The decision then is simple. I will stay online, but with the new screen name and a different sense of what I'm doing. Those of you who I remain in contact with are the ones that I value the most, the ones I feel I could meet someday. I can't expect this, however, I will hope for it.

It's what the eternal optimist does.

---

Where have I been for the last month in this site? Well, I could blame a number of things. We didn't have a working internet for about half that time, which accounted for the biggest problem, and when it was up, it didn't work very well making anything difficult to do.

When it was up, I was either out with friends or busy with something else. I also have to deal with an ailing grandmother which has kept me focused on things away from the internet.

I also wasn't motivated to write. I didn't feel like doing it. Things were going on that I just didn't want to talk about or share with anyone. I know that some people are wondering what my deal is, but I can't write if my mind and heart aren't set in it and they haven't been.

The summer was bad and it ended on a sour note. Work's been stressful, I fucked things up with Jessica, and my grandmother's health is failing. On top of that, my friend Megan is doubting her marriage, my health hasn't been great, and it just adds up to a lot of reasons why I didn't write.

Oh, and my health? I'm referring to the kidney stone problem. It seems to me that something is going to happen relatively soon. I've had off and on pain in the general area of my kidneys the last few days, making it uncomfortable for me at times.

There were good points though. I met some cool people, hung out with my friends from work a lot, and did get to make a trip to Cedar Point, which has become custom for my mom and me the last three years. So it wasn't all bad, but it should've been better.

All I can do though is learn from the mistakes that were made and move on with things. I again can't promise that I'll be updating this site much in the future. It depends on how I feel and how much time I have.

I'll do my best.

---

I've decided to mention some of the things that I called Nichole and Sarah while visiting my store this evening. Keep in mind that these two are friends and in no way were they insulted by what I said. In fact, they laughed.

Oh, and if you don't like the names, then I'm sorry. They're funny to me.

Douche bag (both), knob (both), bitch (both), fucknut (Nichole), food-whore (Sarah), ass licker (Nichole although she didn't hear me), houch-extraodinaire (Sarah), numbnut (Nichole), mouch (Sarah), pain-in-the-ass (both), asshole (Nichole), dirty girl (Sarah), and finally, dirty douche bag to Nichole.

I need a hobby.

---

Tribe Watch 2004

Today's Game
Cleveland Indians, 4
Oakland Athletics, 3 F/12

Summary
The Indians jumped out to a 2-0 lead thanks to back-to-back doubles by Coco Crisp and Omar Vizquel off Mark Mulder in the third inning, then a solo home run from Ryan Ludwick in the fourth, before Oakland too the lead on a two-run homer from Eric Chavez and a sacrifice fly in the fifth inning. The Indians then tied the game in the eighth when Crisp hit a solo homer to left. It stayed tied until the 12th when Casey Blake hit a solo homer, the second time this season he's hit a go-ahead home run off Oakland to win a game. Bob Wickman pitched a perfect 12th for the Tribe to secure the win.

Game Notes
Both teams wasted golden opportunites to win the game earlier. The Indians twice had a runner at third with less-than two outs, but failed to score. Oakland loaded the bases in the 11th with one out, but couldn't score either. The Indians wasted several walks by Oakland pitching.

Record
70-71, 3rd place