MY LIFE - SEPTEMBER

Sunday, September 24, 2000

It was a cold and dreary day outside, and I pretty much felt that way. I didn't get up until around 2pm because I still have this cold lingering with me. I just did not feel good enough to move and whenever I'd wake up, I'd just turn over and go back to sleep. I'm more than happy to sleep in anyway because I work six days this week, all at either 9am or 10am and it's not going to be fun. I don't like getting up, especially not consecutively in a row. But I also hate to sound like I'm complaining, so I'll just shut up on that one.

I did get outside today though. There were a couple people, a kid and his younger brother, playing catch outside so I decided to go outside and join them. It had been a while, so I was a little hesitant on the first few baseballs thrown my way and on a couple of my first throws, but I eventually felt comfortable again, and it was a good thing.

I must have saved our neighbor's house about five times due to throws that just got away. Anytime I saw the ball go off at an angle from the older kid, I just ran hard and stuck the glove up. I had to jump about three times to catch the ball, but I saved the house from some pretty serious damage. Neither person could throw or catch real well though. I caught most everything that came my way, only dropping a couple throws that hit me in the heel of the glove or misplaying a short hop. Nothing got past me unless it was really offline or over my head though.

I had some fun with that, but one thing did happen to me. I may have seriously hurt my left knee doing god knows what. I just know that after I had gone upstairs, I felt a little pain in my knee. When I walked back downstairs, I really felt some pain. It really hurt, much more than my knee has ever hurt before. It hurts right now when I move it, so I have to be really careful with what I do.

I don't know what I did though. I thought maybe it was because I was hit by the ball there, but it was my other knee that was plunked, and it doesn't hurt at all. It's more than likely that it just gave out. I have bad knees, so enough bending over to catch a low throw probably did it in. I don't think it's too serious, but if it still hurts bad in a few days, I'm going to have it looked at.

I don't need damage to my knee though. I've had enough to deal with. I don't need something like this to happen.

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I'm going to have to tell my manager tomorrow about this though. He might want me to help ring register and I'm going to have to tell him that it may be difficult for me to go up and down the short set of stairs on either side. I will not be lifting anything either until this feels better. If he can't understand, I'll just have to tell him sorry, but my knee won't take any additional stress.

At this point, I don't really care what he thinks about any attitude that I might have. He really can't hold up my transfer because he's had all sorts of time to find additional help. I'm almost ready to put my two week's notice in and just say sorry, but it's my right. He cannot block my transfer, nor can Tom, so I don't know why they are pulling this shit on me. I understand that Tom wants help, but he and Lenny have had a couple months to try and find help. It shouldn't be held against me, but it is.

In any case, I'm talking to Lenny about my transfer this week and I'll tell him I'll call the union if this isn't taken care of within two weeks. I'm dead serious about this and I'm not going to fuck around any longer.

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I've been online more lately, which means I'm talking to people again and finding out stuff about those who I hadn't really talked to a lot lately. One girl, Dani, has talked to me quite a bit over the last couple days and I'm really intrigued by her. I would be very interested in meeting with her if she wants to, and it seems like it is since she's trying to convince me to go to Kent State, where she goes to school. It doesn't offer pharmacy school, but it would be a good place to go for a couple years to get some core classes taken care of, and I know a lot of people who go there.

Still, I need to take my time with this like any other thing. If she comes right out and says she wants to meet me at some point, I'll listen and try to work something out. From talking with her, she seems like a really nice girl and we have really talked well over the last couple days, something that hasn't happened too often aside from Jennifer, who's turned out to be a really good friend since I first talked to her a year or so ago. But Dani has me interested, so we'll see how things turn out over the next few weeks.

I think I'll write to her when I'm done with this.

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I didn't see much of the Indians game, but I do know they lost, 9-0, so that'll be Tribe Watch for today. The Browns also lost to a very good Oakland Raiders team today, but I'm not worried about that. The Indians are now 84-70 and the Browns are 2-2.

My mom and I have talked lately over possibly getting Digital Dynamite, a satellite service via the Dish Network. If we're going to pay $30 for cable, we might as well get satellite and for $5-10 more, get local channels and two receivers for both tvs in the house. I don't really mind not having cable right now, but my mom and sister apparently are going nuts over not having it right now. I wouldn't mind it though. I'd be able to watch all the Indians games, rather than just the ones on Channel 43 right now.

I'm not one who needs cable or tv to survive. I'll go online or play video games to pass the time if I need to, but that's not usually necessary. I'm usually working, then I come home, check my mail, write an entry, talk to some people if they're online, and read before falling asleep. I'm not dependent on any one thing though, which ought to help me when I get married and see everything get shot down.

I'm just kidding on that one. I don't know what will happen once I get married. Whenever in the future that might be.

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My mom and sister are going to write a letter back to my dad. My mom asked me if I wanted to write anything, but I just shook my head. I still don't have anything to say to him at this point. I know he's sick and that's why he did the things he did, but it doesn't make me feel any better about talking to him, or even thinking about him. Since we moved, things have been so much better, and it's been with him not in my life. I haven't had to worry about him not liking something I did, not agreeing with a decision, or with him trying to put his 2 cents in.

He's my dad and I should love him no matter what, but I just can't bring myself to it. I'm not as close to him as my sister is and I never was. I was close to him, don't get me wrong, but I was also very scared of him at times. It's hard to be close to someone who scares you, especially when he's bigger than you. It's been his criticism of me that's been hardest on me though, and that's made it hard for me to acknowledge him anymore.

I was always supposed to follow in his footsteps and be an ironworker. He didn't take it too well when he found out I was working as a pharmacy tech. He always talked about how he could get me to be an apprentice iron worker and make a lot of money to start.

Well, that's not me. I don't want to be an iron worker. I don't like heights, and I don't like to do that kind of work. Face it, I'm kind of prissy. I don't like getting my hands dirty, nor do I like working in an environment when one small slip-up could be devastating. I just never saw the appeal of it and I never will. I'm sorry that he never liked that, but that's who I am.

He never liked the way I dressed. He said I dressed like a punk, which really wasn't true. I've always wore baggy pants, but not the kind where you can fit three people inside or anything like that. I don't wear them obscenely low either, like most guys my age. He never liked my shirts either. He always thought that I dressed like a slob or something. It was almost like I was supposed to dress like him.

He just had expectations that I'd turn out just like him, and it didn't happen. Of course, the alcohol and drug abuse helped warp his view on me, but not completely, at least not from my standpoint.

I just don't want to talk to him right now. Not until I know I'm talking to the real dad in there. Not the doped up dad.