MY LIFE - SEPTEMBER

Monday, September 30, 2002

I seriously need to get a better picture of me for these entries. The two I've been using, well, I don't really think that I look right in either picture. I can't quite pinpoint what it is, but I just look weird. Then again, it's probably just me.

I feel there's a couple more misconceptions about me that need to be cleared up. One involves music and another involves what I must be like to talk to on a regular basis.

The music thing is the funniest thing to me. I listen to rap, primarily gangsta rap. I don't listen to pop rap and I don't like the extremely hardcore rap either. That's not to say that I won't listen to something from a Nelly or Ja Rule, it just isn't my kind of thing.

That's off the point though. The point I'm going to get at is I like more than just rap. I don't sit and hear someone listening to some other kind of music and think it's the worst thing ever. If I hear a song of any type and it's catchy, I'll like it and won't mind listening to it. I'm not a one type of music kind of guy. I won't buy anything else but rap, but I'll listen to just about anything.

I'm not so focused on rap to where I can't listen to anything else. I'm not too particularly fond of most rock music, whether it be punk rock or whatever, but there have been songs that have gotten my attention over the course of the last few years. Even some pop songs have gotten my attention, but that's mostly just because of a catchy beat, not because something deeply insightful was said.

The biggest argument I get from people on why they won't listen to rap is because it's all the same and I find that hypocritical. Let's face it: all music of any genre is going to be the same, at least a majority of it. True, a lot of rap is about violence, degrading women, and a whole lot of swearing, but it's not all like that. There are a lot of rap songs that actually say something if you'd just listen to the song closely. Remember "Tha Crossroads" from Bone Thugs-N-Harmony? It wasn't about violence, but how sad death could be, how much a loved one will be missed. It wasn't one of the most successful singles in history just because of its beat afterall.

Just look at things from another perspective though. A lot of pop music is about love and/or lust. Rock's probably the most diverse form of music out there, but even that can generally sound the same. R&B, well, I don't really need to go there. 99% of R&B consists of love songs. Country, well there is some good country music out there, but a lot of it sounds the same after a while too. The whole idea is, no matter what kind of music you're listening to, it's going to sound the same. Beat-wise, rap is as diverse as anything else. The lyrics drag rap down in most cases.

Mike and I were talking about this the other night though while driving to get his girlfriend. He does not listen to rap, knows I listen to rap, yet feels completely comfortable playing whatever's in his car at the time. I brought up how a few people looked at the fact that I listen to rap as if I couldn't stand anything else. First thing out of his mouth was that wasn't true, that I did listen to a lot of different kinds of music. I will give a good song proper credit.

Okay, that makes me feel a little better. The second thing I want to mention is the notion that I must be a boring person to talk to. Now, this bugs me because anyone who's bothered to take the time out to talk to me, whether it be online or in person knows it can take me sometime before I hit full stride with a conversation. I've had several girls stop talking to me and I'm assuming it's because they thought I was boring or something like that.

I am a weird person sometimes. I can admit that. However, rarely am I so weird that it alienates me. Usually, I get laughs from it because I will say the most absurd thing at the most absurd time. I have very little shame in what I might say and have no problem saying something that might get me some weird looks. I'm a lot more fun in person because you can get a better sense of my humor and see the expressions that I use to compliment what I'm trying to say.

I don't know. It's so hard to describe online what I'm like in person. I guess you just have to experience what it's like to be around me first. I don't usually have too many problems except when I'm with someone who's not very good at talking. I don't like awkward silence. I really don't like it when I try to come up with something to talk about and it gets me more awkward silence. I had this happen with one girl earlier in the summer and it just felt so weird to be around her because she would not talk.

This doesn't happen too often, at least not right away. Most conversations start off well enough, but I guess I'm just not exciting enough for some girls. Actually, I have no clue what the hell the problem is. I've had a lot of conversations start off well, seem to be going in the right direction, then shit hits the fan and they won't talk to me anymore and I can't figure it out. I love the girls who after one e-mail from me, never write back and never have time to talk to me. Just admit that I'm not what you expected, that you've met someone better, and moved on. Please, give me at least some dignity of an answer.

It's not going to stop me. I know that eventually I'll have a girlfriend again, it's just a matter of finding a girl that's right, and with the millions of girls in the world, it can't be that hard, right?

---

I've been on a roll lately with my humor, especially at work. I just reach a point some nights where I stop caring about what I say or if I might offend anyone. That's often when my funniest comments come out. My sarcasm, already bad enough as it is, becomes worse and you hear nothing but stupid comments come from me, usually under my breath since I don't always intend for people to hear what I say.

It's mostly because I've been tired, and when I get tired, I either get real slap happy or real cynical, which brings out the worst in me with sarcasm. Everyone and everything's fair game at that point and if there's something I wouldn't say earlier, I'll say it then. I just stop caring, not that I'd say something mean and actually mean it. I'm still joking around, everyone knows I'm still joking around, but it's just a little harsher.

The better you know me, the more exposed you are to it too. Jen and I, we've been talking online for five years now and she knows how weird and how bad I can be whereas someone I've only been talking to for a month or so will have no idea just yet. What I'll say is based on how comfortable I am with you and what I feel I can get away with. I'm not going to be stupid and say something that might offend you unless I know for sure that it won't. I may be naive at times, but I'm not stupid.

It sometimes takes me longer to feel comfortable around certain people than it would with others and that's the kind of thing that you have to be patient with me on. I'm not just going to jump out and be loud and outgoing right off the bat like some guys. I just don't have that kind of personality where I can do that and a lot of girls like that, which makes me the loser if it comes down to me and a guy like that.

That's fine. I don't have a problem with that. I do have a problem if you think I'm boring and you don't bother to hang out with me at some point and bother to get to know me. I mean, how can you judge me as a person if you only me from an e-mail or a couple of conversations? There's a lot to me, but I would guess that only a very small number of people I know actually know me well enough to understand me fully. Mike knows me, Jen knows me, and a couple of people at work know me, but outside of them, no one really knows me that well.

Isn't a coincidence that Mike and Jen have both known me for around five years and the people I work with have known me for nearly two years? Um, probably not. Time is the best indicator of what kind of person you're dealing with and time is not something that most people want to give. You can say that Tab, my ex, probably knows me pretty well and you'd probably be right, but there are things that Mike and Jen both know better about me than she does. They have time on their side however. That's why I talk so much when I talk to people. The more you find out about me, the more you'll know and the better you'll understand me. It's hard to talk to some people though. Some people, if you're not what they expect right away, it's over and done with and that's not right.

But hey, I understand. I'm not mad at anyone. Things don't work out for a reason. It may not be what I want, but I can't control how others act and besides, life's too short to figure out why someone didn't want to talk to you.

They must not have been worth my time anyway.

---

With my sister and her boyfriend back in, there's virtually no time when I'm ever alone anymore except when I'm in my car. I can't come back to the room and be by myself because her boyfriend is here all the time. He has no job, doesn't go to school, and can't drive. He also spends virtually all day sitting and playing video games, a not-so healthy habit that I abandoned a long time ago.

The dogs don't seem to be too particularly fond of either of them either. Shade just does not want to listen to either Teresa or her boyfriend and only stops barking if either I come into the room or my mom. Then he immediately shuts up and usually cowers. He's used to us, but not them. Anubis is pretty good, but he doesn't always want to listen to them either.

It's just been different. More than once, I've had to contend with someone in the bathroom when I've had to get ready for work or school, something I didn't have to deal with for a while there. It would be easier if both Teresa and her boyfriend used the upstairs bathroom since my mom's not home much, but that hasn't happened and probably won't. I don't because the bathroom I use is right next to my bed and makes sense for me to use it.

I guess it's just something to deal with until our house is finished. Right now, they just finished the plumbing to the bathroom that's going to be upstairs and earlier last week finished with the wiring. I'm not sure how they're going to go about the process of putting the rooms together though. That's really what's left, putting interior walls up and the floors. The kitchen and bathrooms are going to be the most time consuming as they're going to put cabinets in and all that good stuff.

It's just been so frustrating, waiting for everything to finish up there. That would help me out so much, if I didn't have to drive everywhere from this room in Westlake. I don't mind it, but it's so far out of the way. If I want to hang out with Mike in Brunswick, it's 45-50 minutes. Going to school, it takes 40 minutes. Work, it takes 30-40 minutes. I shouldn't have a drive longer than 30 minutes from the house, but from here, everything's longer than that and it's killing me with the gas.

I guess there's just general frustration with how slowly it's going. I've been watching the progress of houses in other locations that are either being rebuilt or built from scratch and they all seem to be going along twice as fast as this is. Meanwhile, we have to sit in this room until it's all over with and no one can tell us when it's going to be.

I just want to go home. Is that too much to ask?

---

An extra, real stupid tidbit to chew on...You can catch me in the act of writing an entry some days. There's a reason for this. I don't write the entry offline then upload it to the server. I go to my file manager and work on the entry from scratch while online, occasionally saving what I've done. If you've ever gone and read an entry, then clicked on "Next" below, only to come across what appears to be a half-finished entry, you're probably right. Reload it after a few minutes and you might catch more of what I've written. It's hard to do and most likely to occur late at night, but it is possible to catch me in the act of updating this site. If I'm on your buddy list and you see me and think something like that is happening, just ask me. Chances are, I'm working on the site.

Now wasn't that a waste of fucking space??