MY LIFE - OCTOBER

Tuesday, October 1, 2002

I can't believe it's October already. Wasn't it just January, like yesterday? What happened to summer? What the hell happened with spring? Has it all gone by that quickly?

I guess I should be happy because it means my birthday is 29 days from now, but I can't really say that I'm that ecstatic at this point since I'm still in this hotel room and I still have no idea when we're going to be back in our house. I have no money again either. That'll put a damper on any good feelings.

It's been a long year. I don't really want to get into any year-in-review kind of shit until December, but who knows how drained I'll be by then. School and work are taking their toll on me, and while it hasn't made me cranky, it has made me decide that there are days when I do not want to deal with some of the stupid people that are in this world.

I wrote something in an offline journal that I occasionally write in when I'm at school and have time to kill. It pretty much sums up how I've been feeling about some people.

There's a girl in biology class. She's kind of cute, but she's not entirely that bright and she can get a bit annoying after a while, especially after the fifth "what are we doing?" question that I'm peppered with. Well, she's been talking to me more than anyone else in the class, which is no big whoop since she does sit right next to me. She's also talking to me more out of class though, and that's the kind of thing that makes me wonder.

There's also another guy she talks to a lot, but it's not the same kind of talk that we have. He likes to pick on her and she likes to fire shots back at him, tell him she hates him, then five minutes later is talking to him again. My guess? She has the hots for him, but doesn't want to let him know it directly. He probably has the hots for her too, but it's harder to tell with guys than it is with girls, not that it's a precise science there either.

In any case, they're constantly going at it, she's constantly walking away from him, then walking back over. It's the funniest thing too. The guy, he's really funny sometimes and then I get yelled at because I was laughing at something he said.

She's another one of those girls that would ultimately drive me crazy, and by the end of the class on Friday, I really wanted nothing to do with her in terms of talking and what not. I had no interest in listening to her talk about how hung-over she was the other day and shit like that. She's just out of high school, so every other topic is about how boring school is and how she just wants to get it over with.

It's probably just because I'm wearing down just a little, but I didn't care to hear it Friday. I'll probably be a lot more receptive tomorrow, but that depends on how much sleep I get tonight. I work until 10, so I won't be home until 10:35, and probably won't get to bed until 11:30-12.

I still have another paper to write for english though, so who knows what'll happen. If I have time tonight, I'll try and write it, otherwise it'll have to wait. I don't want to wait too long though because this guy's only going to give me so much time. He's already giving me a break on it.

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I've talked a lot about the whole dating thing that I've been trying to figure out. I've mentioned a few girls that I thought were going to work out that didn't and for the most part, I still have no clue what went wrong. It seems that I don't need to know how I can go from being a great guy to yesterday's trash.

The thing with Erin bothers me most. It bothers me because only once in a while do I get any kind of communication from her and it's only been e-mails that say virtually nothing other than she's been busy. I've paged her to no avail and I pretty much get the sense that she's not interested in me anymore. I don't like feeling that way, but shit, it's been quite a while since we've hung out. It's been over a month actually. It's been three weeks since I last talked to her on the phone. I've probably been paging her in vain on top of it all. If she was still interested, I'm sure I would have gotten at least the dignity of a call-back to say hi every now and then.

It hasn't happened though. I don't expect it anymore. I've all but given up on paging her and I can only wait for her to e-mail me back before I go any further. I know if I was still interested in a girl, I'd make more than a half-assed effort to talk to her.

Am I destined to continue to run into things like this? Probably not, but I can't help but feel snakebit right now. I've met girls who weren't all there, who were majorly insecure (the Katie incident), girls who decided to get back with old boyfriends, girls who just stopped talking to me, and girls who were just not what I was hoping for.

There was a girl in bio lab and lecture that was really nice to me, but I think she dropped the class, which would be a shame since she actually treated me with some respect. Corrine's been pretty good to me so far, but I haven't quite gotten a gauge on how that's going. I don't know if she's sure if she wants to get involved with something, so I can't really say anything more on the situation.

Has it been frustrating? It sure has. I know I'm not the ideal guy for most girls, but shit, I know there are good girls looking for someone like me. Problem is, I keep finding the wrong kind of girl.

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I love it when I'm talking to someone, having what I thought was a nice talk, then suddenly they say they have to go and sign off before I even have a clue as to what just transpired. This just happened. Corrine just disappeared. It's kind of shitty and something I'd never do myself, but it seems to be no problem for people to do it to me.

I am talking to some good people right now. Stacey's a pretty nice girl, but she's very busy and it's hard to catch her. Same with another girl I'm talking to. She's online for five minutes, then the away message comes up. Jen gets on occasionally and we have a nice talk, but neither of us is on long enough to sustain it too long. I get this feeling she's mad at someone or doesn't want to talk to someone right now because she's had an away message up most of the last two days that she's been on. I actually got to talk to a girl I liked very much a couple years ago, Diane. I hadn't been able to find her or what had happened to her and pretty much had given up on her, but she found me, immed me, and we talked for a little bit.

There are others as well. I've said before I like talking, the problem is usually finding someone who's actually going to say something back. Most people like to give nice one word answers to the in-depth paragraph that I've written and that usually kills my momentum. Oh, and Lindsay? I have no idea what to do with her. I write her e-mails, she says she never gets them, so I'm kind of afraid to im her right now. That and she hasn't seemed to happy of late, at least judging by away messages.

Yes, I check those all the time. That's why they're there. That's why you put them up. I like knowing what someone else is up to.

And on another side note, I rejoined Bolt, a site that I had been a member of earlier, but lost my username and password and had to create a new account. I actually plan on using the site a little more. For those actually interested in finding on there, I'm dave103080. Yeah, it's so orginal.

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I'm a dork. I know it. I like things that a lot of guys could care less about. I talk about things that some guys will never mention. I listen better than most. I'm not overly aggressive and I'm not exactly built. I was working on that last aspect, but you know, the fire kind of took care of that for a while.

This has been a long-ass year. I was stressed out in January because of my relationship with Tab. It just wasn't going well. We were talking to this guy at a church because I was going to marry this girl. We were doing marriage counseling! He didn't know I was Catholic either. Shit would've hit the fan there if he had found that out.

February wasn't better. That's the infamous break-up month. One week before our 11 month anniversary actually. Some still believe that it was a manipulation move by my mom. If you feel that way, fuck you. Don't ever accuse me of not thinking for myself. I asked her what she thought, she told me, and I weighed all the options out. I made the decision to get out of the apartment and back into my mom's house. No one but me.

March was relatively tame. I tried dating, it didn't go well, and I decided it wasn't worth my time for the moment. I wasn't as stressed and I was feeling better about things. April was much of the same. Nothing real special happened and it seemed like the year was going to be tame the rest of the way.

May was the month from hell. It started off all right though. I cut my hair in an attempt to try something new, and wouldn't you know it, it worked! I still can't believe that it worked out. Last time I went to short hair, it all went to hell, it looked awful, and I spent the next few years desperately trying to grow it back out.

May was the month from hell because of one single event: the fire. May 25, 2002, our house caught on fire. I have pictures to prove it too. I have more pictures than I know what to do with, but I haven't scanned most of them because I'm a lazy fuck right now. No, I just haven't had time. Worst day of my life, just a step ahead of the break-up.

The summer months weren't that bad. So we were in a hotel suite the whole time and money was a bit tight, but it wasn't bad all things considered. Well, there was that detail of putting things back together, sorting out the damage, trying to not to think about all the bullshit that had just happened, not to mention damage control with the Katie situation. If one more person tells me I should've just called, I'm going to smack the shit out of you, wipe it on your face, and remind you of the little detail of me NOT BEING HOME THE ENTIRE FREAKING DAY!!. Have I made myself clear on that yet?

Oh, and I went to Cedar Point twice in August. That was cool. No, wait, it kicked ass. I am going to go next year as often as I can just to ride the Millenium Force again. If you haven't been on it and you have a chance, what the hell is your problem?

September was a pretty decent month. No blow-ups, no headaches from people, just school and work to keep me out of trouble, plus the occasional date with a girl. I just want to take it easy in the fall and let things fall into place. I'm not going to rush into anything and I'm not going to sit and take it on the chin like I usually do.

Come December, I'll probably run a full year-in-review with a little more detail. I just have to pour over the entries and decipher what I can out of them to put it all together. I'll probably do it month by month at this point since it would be a whole lot easier that way.

I also want to start working on the friend page that I've been thinking about. I need to get pictures from people though, so until that happens, it's not going to happen just yet. Once I compile some pics though, I'll start working on a format. I also want to work on some graphics for this site, spruce up the appearance a bit.

I seem to remember trying this before. Maybe this time, I'll actually do it. How about that for a new concept?