MY LIFE - OCTOBER

Friday, October 20, 2000

I was going through the old entries again (the ones that I haven't updated yet, so you can't read them as of right now) and there were some more things that I noticed about myself and how I behaved. Number one is the obvious affection I had towards Jennifer, one of my online friends. Actually, it goes beyond affection. Way past that. I was in love with her and we were both trying to find a way to get together.

It never happened then and it hasn't happened to this day. We've both moved past that and I'm going to decline talking about her more than is needed since her personal life is her own. What she tells me, I don't really think the rest of the world needs to know. We remain friends, but just friends who communicate through e-mail.

But in just about all the entries, I mention her at least once, or so it seems. It's amazing to me what happens when you feel such strong emotions. I would call her the love of my life and other things along that line without regard to what she might have wanted known. But I just wrote it all and didn't really think that a year from when I wrote those entries that I could be looking back wondering why I divulged so much information and talked so much about her.

I will not be doing that again, unless I'm forced to. I don't even think I'll really mention the name of any girl I might be interested nor will I talk about that kind of thing too much. It's just too personal of a thing to go yapping all over the place about. It's just not the way I'd like to do it in the future. If I get with another girl, I doubt I'll say much about it except the occasional reference. It'll be easier on everyone that way.

The other thing I noticed is that I was it seemed like I was never happy and I only talked about the bad things that happened to me during the day. I also whined a lot about things, something I'm not particularly proud about in retrospect. I've actually had doubts about restoring those archives, but I'm still going to go ahead even though I'm either talking about how much I loved Jennifer or how much I was pissed at people.

I mean, I knew I was moody and all that shit, but I didn't think I was that bad. But I was terrible. No wonder Jenny (my co-worker who's at school again) and I couldn't get along. I wouldn't let us. I was so intent on "deflating" her ego and taking her on that I forgot how good a person she could be, which is what happened this summer when we got along so well.

I was just really immature at times with the way I behaved. Granted, some of it was stress, but I can't go around blaming everything I do on stress. I was just mean to Jenny, sometimes warranted, other times not so needed. I just had this thing against her I guess. I don't really understand why I did those things to her.

But at least I apologized to her this year before she went back to school for what I did to her in the past. So we're pretty much on a clean slate there.

It was like that with me most of last year though. Anyone who knows me now probably wouldn't have been able to deal with me since I was so moody and unpredictable. I just wasn't myself at all and there's really no easy explanation. Sure, things were tough, but that doesn't give me an excuse to act like I did.

I just wasn't a lot of fun to be around. I wasn't tolerating things well and the smallest things were setting me off. I just didn't have any patience at all when I really needed to have some. I couldn't handle what was coming my way and maybe I wasn't really as mature as I thought I was.

But that's just all guessing on my part. I don't really know why I acted the way I did. I just don't want to do that again. It doesn't benefit me or the people I talk to. I'm no fun to be around when I'm an asshole. I know that better than anyone.

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It was a pretty steady day at Berea today, although it was nothing I'd call earth-moving. When I arrived, they had done around 170 scripts and by the time I left, it was around 460. 460 is a lot, but usually when I've left, the number would be in the mid 500's or somewhere in that general area. But it was a good thing that I came in because they were down a tech for the day. I helped ring a little bit, but I didn't do as much register work as I thought I would do.

I figured, I'm relatively new to the store, I'll be ringing register most of the time. But instead, I wound up inputting prescriptions all afternoon, occasionally helping out at the register or at the drive-thru. That's pretty much all I did during the day, at least until around 5 when two more techs went home. Then I moved over to the filling area, one of the pharmacists moved to input, and the other tech went to the register while the second pharmacist continued to do checking.

I did that for the final three hours that I was there, occasionally getting a little backed up, but nothing serious. I had no real problems during the day and it seems more and more like the techs are recognizing that my transfer is getting closer. Joanne, a tech, even asked me if Steve knew that I could work mornings (temporarily), and I told her yes. So they want me during the busier parts of the day, and not just to ring.

I guess I fit in over there since I move fairly quickly and don't usually bullshit with what I'm doing, unless it happens to be a customer. There were problems, for one, the registers went down because the SMART system, which runs the front store and registers, went completely down for a short while. But I never even got to the register during that period, so it didn't bother me in the least.

I still haven't seen the reasons why Tom and Lenny think this is a mistake. I guess they know something I don't. What I do know is that I'm comfortable over there, and that's what matters. No one even remotely dislikes me.

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And now, since I found it in my desk, is a listing of signs that you might be bored at your job:

• You've already read your entire page-a-day calendar for 2001

• You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis

• You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island

• You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs

• People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling

• No longer content with merely photocopying your ass, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop

• You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven dwarfs

• The 4th Division of Paper Clips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements

I'll have more silly things for you all tomorrow since I managed to dig all this shit out of my desk. I think I need to clean it out, along with the rest of my room.