MY LIFE - OCTOBER

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Spending night after night checking out the tagbooks and profiles on Bolt has caused me to come to the realization that there are a lot of girls who just don't really care. A lot. There are many girls who put pictures up that you just don't expect. Yes, easy on the eyes, but these girls are very cocky (might be the wrong word to use) about their appearance and very often claim to not give a fuck about what anyone else might think.

There are also a lot of good girls on the site, girls who have their heads on straight, who know that while they may be attractive, they don't need to brag about it. They don't need to remind you constantly how nice they are or that they think something of you. It shows in how they carry themselves.

Unfortunately, I've met a couple of girls who seem to be pretty good girls who have had some very, very bad experiences. Those are the kind of girls that make me feel sad, that make me sit up all night and think about what has happened to them and wonder why something like that could happen.

I'm not really at liberty to discuss exactly what happened (although both have readily placed descriptions of what happened on the Bolt website) simply because I do not wish to spread something around if neither of them wishes that to occur without them actually doing it.

The one girl, I believe her name is Amanda (although I will not guarantee that since I did hit my head the night after we started talking and therefore, my memory is all screwy). She's a nice enough girl, although she's one of those girls who's good side is definitely the side to be on. She's had some run-ins with police, she's gotten into fights, but hey, she's nice to me so all that stuff is meaningless to me. Especially since she lives across the country.

The other girl is the one that has had my curiousity though. This is a girl, named Crystal, who had to deal with the loss of a boyfriend in a way she couldn't control and who's pretty much let me know all about how she feels and what she's been through. She also doesn't live that far away, but I'm not going to completely go and say that we're going to meet up and that this is the girl that I've been looking for. I really don't know what she looks like and while that's not a concern of mine right now, if it came down to meeting her at some point, it could become one.

For now, she's been a pleasure to talk to and she's really made me open up my eyes a little and think about some other things. She's nice, she's friendly, she's been through some rough shit, so I really feel for the girl. She also put some rather flattering answers to one of my tagbook questions in my profile on Bolt. So she's been a bit of an ego booster for me. Then again, a lot of girls have written me notes saying some nice things about me.

Too bad most of them are 16 or under. That kind of brings me back down to reality a bit, but there have been girls my age that have said good things.

The whole thing is that there are girls who have been hurt who are really good girls. Then there are the girls who are doing the hurting and don't even seem to realize how bad they look doing it.

It's one of those things though with people. The ones who have had it rough continue to have things dumped on them while those who live the easy life are often the ones doing some of the dumping. It's a human tendency to sit and think that everyone else should bow down before you, respect only you. It's human for a girl who thinks she's the shit to only want the best looking guys. Same thing with guys looking for girls.

I've seen countless people complain about the importance of looks. One of my tagbook questions asks what you would look for in the opposite sex and there's no set criteria. You just answer what you look for. I'd say out of all the entries, there's only one in there where the person doesn't mention looks. At least one other person says that they are important no matter what anyone else says.

There are other answers that are pretty good as well. That's what I want. I want people to answer them and actually put some thought into it. I don't really care to hear people say over and over again that they hate fake people. It's one of the most overused descriptions I can think of. Of course you don't like fake people. Think of something else, something that no one else has thought of.

Other people have some good questions about things while other people ask the same damn questions over and over again. I can understand you want people's opinions, but how many different ways can you ask what you find attractive in a guy/girl? I saw five different variations in one profile! How is that possible?!

For the most part, it's been an interesting experience. I've met different people, learned new things that I probably didn't need to learn, and inadvertently found a new site that should make any guy very happy, RateMyBody.Com. It's pretty easy to figure out. A bunch of hot bodies with an occasional sleazy comment. Okay, sleazy's the wrong word. More like comments that tease you. One girl had a comment about how good she was at giving head.

That may have pushed the issue just a little bit too far, but whatever works for her I guess. Oh, and she was sticking out her tongue, showing off her tongue ring while leaning forward on a chair with nothing but a bra and thong on.

This site indeed will get the heart racing. I was curious about it from a girl's profile and now can admit that it's interesting, if a bit on the low end. The basic idea is that there are a lot of girls (and guys) wearing next to nothing being very provacative. It's nice, but you feel kind of dirty afterwards. It's weird.

I have done a lot of thinking though. A lot of it stems from everything going on around me. Things are getting kind of stressful and again, I can't really control it. My dad is evidently making an attempt to get back into my mom's life even though he's not supposed to, which is throwing her off and my sister as well.

The last thing we need is him trying to disrupt our lives again because of his conceived notion that he and my mom are still married. We don't need him calling both my sister's and my mom's cell phone trying to talk to them. We don't need him trying to come out here to "visit" us. I don't need it and no one else does either.

It's annoying as hell.

---

I have been thinking a lot again lately. Unfortunately, this is a prime reason why I'm not sleeping well at night again. I've been thinking about the house, this room, the mess with my dad, school, work, the people I've been meeting, and all kinds of other things on top of it all.

I've been watching how people have been reacting to different things. I'm overanalyzing things again. I see a situation and I spend all my time trying to figure out what could have been done different. I wonder how something's going to turn out and come up with ten different possible solutions.

Part of why this is happening is because I feel people are looking at my profiles, looking at me and assuming I'm this kind of guy and choosing not to talk to me based on that. I'm still getting people asking me if I hate so and so because they like something different from me.

That's how most people treat each other though. It's silly too. I tried to talk to some girl who wasn't exactly the kind of girl that I'd normally be looking for, but I thought she would be cool and figured it would be worth a shot. She in turn must not have felt that I was worth the time since I can't get her to talk to me or tell me anything about herself.

I've read in countless profiles where someone says that they don't like this kind of person and so on. Sometimes it's legit like when dealing with racism, but when I read that someone doesn't like skaters or someone doesn't like preps, it bothers me.

I have traditionally gotten along with all kinds of people. Popular people, the unpopular, skaters, goths, all of them. I don't sit and look at them as losers, freaks, or inferior. I don't look at some kid and think "wow, he/she's ugly, I better not talk to them." If someone starts talking to me, generally I'll talk back.

Too many people think they're better though. This is especially true of guys and girls who are ultrapopular. The only people they can hang out with are other very good looking people and if you don't fit the bill, you're a dork, loser, and gay all at once.

What makes it even more baffling is it will be the same person who'll say in a profile that they like to meet all kinds of people. Yeah, right. All kinds as in hot, attractive, sexy, built, cute, and muscular when it comes to guys. It's almost a give-in that none of these girls would be willing to talk to me and it's mostly because I'm just not that built right now.

I understand it of course. Girls like built guys. Guys like thin girls with all the curves. Sex appeal has a lot to do with some people choosing who they're with. I can't really sit and say that it doesn't make sense cause it does. And there a lot of girls who are very attractive who can look at someone like me and find me attractive and worth the time. I just haven't found that girl. Will I? I don't know.

I do know there's a lot of time left before I need to start panicking. I feel that I will meet a girl, one way or another, that turns out to be right for me, a girl who will love me for who I am.

I also know that people will be people. You can't change someone who believes in something you don't. You just can't and you shouldn't try. You should just accept them for who they are.

---

All right, now that that horse shit is out of the way...It's been a little crazy around here lately. I've been trying to take care of several things with my car including an oil change, e-check, and renewing my registration since my plates expire in about a week. I've been trying to keep up with the World Series, the Browns, and the Indians as well as trying to fit in time for my friends and my video games.

As of right now, that leaves me with approximately -5 hours a day to work with.

Wait, that doesn't really make sense. My math is a tad off. Okay, safe to say I don't have much time.

I don't even want to think about the research paper that I haven't really even worked on. Dear God, I'm going to collapse.

That's another thing. If one more person tries to change my view on religion and God, I'm seriously gonna do some bitch-slapping. Let me believe what I believe in. For crying out loud, you don't ask me my opinion and then tell me I'm wrong. It's a belief. NOT a fact. I believe in evolution to the fullest. Don't even TRY to change my opinion on that or on abortion either.

Debating is okay. Full out trying to change my beliefs is a different story. I respect how you feel, respect how I feel.

Thank you, have a nice night, and don't miss me too much.