My Life

Saturday, November 6, 2004

Dave

Man, miss a week's worth of writing and you miss out on talking about all kinds of different things. I don't really even know where to begin right now.

In the last week I had a birthday (24), Evin had his first birthday, I hung out with a girl and then she stopped talking to me right after saying she wanted to spend more time with me, I caught the flu, I got pissed off at work, came to a new understanding with Lisa, and a whole lot of other shit that I can't think of off the top of my head right now.

I still don't know where to start.

I basically accomplished nothing.

I did turn 24 on October 30th. I was supposed to go out and celebrate it the day after with Sarah and her friends in the flats, but that was scratched when I started to come down with a sore throat and I fell asleep. It was a good thing too because I guess plans were canceled and what Sarah and her friends did was beyond me. I was sleeping.

I remember I had a lot of fun Saturday, but it was probably the last time I had fun this past week. A lot of my online buddies left me messages wishing me a happy birthday, which was much appreciated, and Lisa called to wish me a happy birthday as well, which was surprising, but in a nice way.

I made a trip to my friend Mike's store to harrass him for a little bit, then headed down to Southpark Mall in Strongsville to visit a girl I had just started talking to, Dusty. I met her, found her to be a really nice girl, and later accepted her offer to hang out with her later that night.

It seemed like a good start to at least a good friendship. She even bought me food as a birthday gift in a way. This was going in a good direction, or at least so it seemed.

It would only figure that the last time I was able to talk to her was last Sunday and I haven't heard from her since.

I have no idea what to make of that other than disappointment in what has gone down since that one night.

That disappointment has been lessened though by the fact that I've started to take it easy when it comes to talking to new girls. I won't lie and say I'm only talking to one girl. I'm not. I'm talking to a few, at least when I can, and I am not thinking about any of these situations in terms of a serious relationship of any sort. I'm looking these girls as friends first. I want to hang out with them and just see how things go. If I click well with one of the girls, then great.

I want to have a girlfriend, but I need to keep in mind that I can't force it and try to make something happen that isn't meant to happen.

I'm also not going to list the girls I'm talking to. The only one that I will write about for now is Lisa since we do talk a lot and she's starting to figure more prominently into my circle of friends.

It's amazing to me how things have changed again. I'm still not talking to her as much as I want, but I finally came to the realization that she's not ignoring me or isn't thinking about me.

We actually talked about it a little bit not too long ago. She said what I was starting to already know, that there were other people she's known longer that she was going to hang out with before me and that she's been very busy a lot.

There were also other things, but those things aren't going to be repeated here since they were personal and I'm not someone who talks about someone else's business.

The point is I understand what she's doing, what she wants to do, and how she wants to get there. She's repeatedly told me she wants to meet with me, but she has to get her shit straight first. She's also let me know she appreciates what I've done to this point, that it hasn't gone unnoticed.

I still think at some point there would be a chance for a relationship, but I have to think that she's going to be very picky on that in the future. I don't think the problem will be me not feeling anything for her, but rather, her not looking at me as boyfriend-material.

It no longer matters to me though. I feel like a real strong friendship is possible at least. She knows I'm not after sex with her. She knows I'm not out to hurt her. I think there's some trust there and it's worth building off of for the future. I know if we do become good friends, she'd be there for me in a minute. She's that kind of person. I just have to get to that point with her.

Whatever happens in the future happens. I know that I'll eventually find someone for me one way or another.

In any case, I've been battling the flu for the last week now.

For those keeping score at home, this is the fourth year in a row that I've had the flu. Where it will ultimately place in terms of how bad it is remains to be seen still. As it stands, it's not the worst bout I've had, but it isn't the easiest one either.

I thought it was going to be the easiest earlier in the week. Sure, I had the aches and a sore throat, but I could move around and still had my wits about me. In fact, I even thought for part of the day Wednesday that I was going to be fine sooner than ever.

Then I started sneezing. That's a big warning sign. Sneezing means you're starting to get congestion. Congestion means it's shifting into your head. Shifting into your head means a world of pain is about to begin.

Sure enough, I woke up on Thursday and I could not breath for the life of me.

My head felt like it was stuffed with a giant bag of cotton balls and there was no way to get them out. No matter how much I managed to drain out, there was more to replace the mucous that I had either blown or sneezed out of my nose.

I felt so attractive. You have no idea.

Friday I managed to feel even worse. How? The aches returned, plus in my attempt at sleeping the previous night, I had managed to sleep wrong, making it painful to turn my head to the right. There was no conceivable way I could work.

My attempt at calling off was thwarted though. Keith claimed if I called off, he'd be dead and buried since our other pharmacist, Melissa, was filling in somewhere else until 2. Of course, Peggy also had to pitch in her two cents, saying she was sick too. There was a difference between Peggy and me though. Peggy could move. I was having some difficulties in that department.

I grudgingly agreed to come into work by slamming my phone shut and slamming it into the window sill where I keep it. I was not happy with this and it was NO consolation that Keith was going to let me sit down all day. Gee thanks, I can barely breath. You're doing me a great service by letting me sit at drop-off and enter all the scripts by myself.

My annoyance would get worse as they day went by. But the day did go by and it seemed like if I could make it to the afternoon, I'd have a chance at leaving early.

Keep in mind that when I'm sick, I'm easily irritated. Also keep in mind that at this point in time, I was irritated already just because I had to go in. Because it was about to get worse.

I remembered seeing Peggy leave around 3 or so and figured she was going on her second break. I didn't think much of it, mostly because I was so out of it that thinking was pretty much useless for me.

It didn't occur to me until around 4:30 or so that Peggy still hadn't come back and that maybe she wasn't on break. I still didn't think much of it, but then suddenly, the light came on for a brief moment in time.

Keith let her go home early.

I was already irritated at having to be there when I could barely move. I was enraged when I found out that he had let Peggy leave early, so much so that I really wanted nothing to do with him at all. He left at 5pm and I refused to say bye to him. I refused to look at him. He had forced me to come into work when I could barely function and yet he let Peggy, who didn't sound great, but wasn't in nearly as bad of shape as I was, leave.

Everyone else noticed it too.

It might have been that everyone realized it too that made me more upset. Sarah mentioned it a couple of times. Nichole mentioned it. Melissa mentioned it. When Jean came in before I was supposed to leave, she was surprised that it had happened that way.

To think I could barely move out of my bed, yet I came into work anyway, only to have someone else leave early.

Oh yeah, it was not my day.

It wasn't my night either.

I jumped into bed at 9pm thinking that I would fall asleep early and at least be a little rested for work the next day.

I fell asleep at 2am.

That plan worked out, didn't it?

I spent five hours in my bed, watching tv, hoping that I'd just pass out. It wasn't until I put "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring," the second part, back in that I started to get drowsy.

You think I've watched that movie too much?

Today, I woke up feeling a little better despite the lack of sleep. I could turn my head again and I really felt a lot better. Well, for a couple hours anyway. Then the congestion intensified and it was return of the headache. But it wasn't nearly bad today as it had been the previous day, so maybe I am improving finally.

Speaking of yesterday, it was Evin's birthday. He's now a year old. It's amazing how much he's grown, how much he's evolved. He walks around like it's nobody's business. He "talks" to us and apparently tries to sing. He's an amazing little person.

God help us when he gets older.


As much as I feel like good progress has been made with Lisa, I still feel pretty helpless sometimes. She's clearly hurting still for numerous reasons, and although she does seem to trust me a little, she still will not talk to me about the things that are bothering her. I know a lot of it is just because it's her way, but I think it also has to do with her being hurt so many times.

That's how I'm able to stay so patient with her though. I know what she's been through. I know what happened to her. I feel for her so much because of how she opened up to me that it's not even funny. I don't think she has any idea how badly I just wish I could sit next to her, put my arm around her, and tell her everything will be okay.

I don't think she realizes yet what kind of person I am. Without going into any kind of detail, she's not used to knowing a guy like me. I'm not after sex. I'm not even after a relationship. I feel like there's a really strong friendship slowly building, but it's not growing as well as it could because she's holding back, and with good reason.

I wish I could say the right words for her to realize that I am for real, that I am who I say I am. I wish that somehow, she could just put faith in me and lean on me when she needs someone the most. I wish a lot of things, but wishes generally don't come true.

I do get frustrated. I get that way because I know I'm a good guy. I know that she'll eventually realize that I'm not just doing this because she's a pretty girl who's been nice to me, but because this is how I am. I don't think she's used to someone like me who takes care of his friends the way I do.

I'm more battling myself than her though. I want to know that she trusts me. I want to know that she knows that anything she says to me is safe with me. I want to know that she realizes that I'm not going to hurt her or try to use her for anything.

That's not going to happen right away though. It's going to take time. Possibly a lot of time. Check that, probably a lot of time. I'm willing to continue to take that time though. Even just as a friend, she's worth it. I know we'd have fun out together. That's why I'm willing to be patient with her as long as it takes. I don't care if it takes six months for us to hang out with each other. I don't want it to take that long, but if that's how long it takes, that's how long it takes.

She's just so reluctant to let anyone even remotely close now. It doesn't make me mad at her though. It makes me mad at all these people who've hurt her in the past and continue to hurt her now. How could anyone treat any human being the way she's been treated? I feel bad for her and anger towards those who've hurt her.

It only kills me because I know she's an awesome girl. She's the kind of girl who'd be there for me in a heartbeat if we were good friends and I was having a rough time. She's someone who'd do anything for her friends, yet it seems very few want to return the favor towards her.

Most of all, it kills me when she talks about going to sleep and not waking up. I don't know if she realizes just how much that makes me worry about her. I hate hearing anyone talk like that, much less someone I care about. And I do care about her. Maybe not quite as much as I do with Sarah, Mike, Jen, or Megan, my really close friends, but she's getting closer.

I don't care if someone wonders how I can care about someone I've never met in person. I care because this girl opened up to me when she didn't have to. She told me things she didn't have to tell me. I don't need to know much about a person to feel for them. I don't need to know someone long to care about them if they've been through rough times. I'm a caring person by nature. It's how I was raised to be.

It has nothing to do with wanting anything from her. It's who I am.

I hope that someday she realizes this.

I do sometimes wish that I could get her to talk to Sarah, Mike, or Megan and ask about me. I know she'd hear the same thing from each of them, well, maybe not Mike since he's a bit out there, but they'd all say the same thing: I'd do anything to help them if they were in trouble or going through something bad. I have before and I would again. It's what you get for being friends with me; someone you can lean on when you need it most.

It doesn't have anything to do with love. Yes, I want a girlfriend. I don't hide that. But I'm not doing any of this thinking it will lead to a relationship with Lisa. I'm not that narrow-minded.

I have confidence that she'll realize that I'm for real, that she can completely trust me. I just don't know when that will happen.

I'm going to make these vows though. I will not force her to do anything. I will let things go at the pace she wants things to go at. I will be there for her, but fully realize that she has to come to me. I will never turn my back on her.

I will be her friend.

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