Saturday, October 23, 2004
So much to discuss, so much to get into, yet so little motivation.
Hmm. Where to start.
Well, let's start with Lisa, why don't we? Seems the last time I wrote in here was the last time I was still on very good terms with her.
Now I'm not saying we're on bad terms, I'm just saying we're not on the best of terms. Why? I have no idea why. I don't know what I did, what I said, or what I possibly implied to see things go the way they've gone lately. I just know it's left me frustrated, irritated, and occasionally mad.
Why do I like girls that seem to put me into positions that I don't want to be in? What is it I see that allows me to put up with some of the things I've put up with the last week or so? If anyone has an idea what, I'd like to know. Seriously. Just tell me.
It doesn't seem like she's mad at me. It also doesn't seem like she's all that interested anymore either. It's like a switch was flipped, changing her from being interested in me and seriously wanted to hang out, to not really even talking to me at all anymore.
It's infinitely more complicated than that, but I really don't feel like getting into the whole thought again of what's happening, why I think it's happened, and what I think's going to happen because all it does is frankly piss me off and I am already so not in the mood for people as it is.
The thing I've decided is that I'm leaving the door open for her to talk to me, but I'm not going to spend all my time trying to get a hold of her when it's clear she doesn't have time or enough interest. Instead, I'm going to keep on going with what I'm doing, talk to people who seem to be genuinely interested in me, and see how everything pans out.
On that note, I started talking to someone else tonight. Her name's Rachel. She's very cute, she seems very nice and sweet, and we'll see what kind of personality she has. She already said she doesn't really have time for a boyfriend, so I can't expect that to come out of us talking, but we'll see how everything goes.
I'm not going to sit and just let one girl dominate my time anymore though. It hasn't worked to this point because I keep managing to talk to girls who end up being different from what I thought they were going to be. In all fairness to Lisa, she did go through a bad experience. It doesn't excuse everything that's happened, but it excuses a lot.
Besides, I did say that I am just looking to make new friends and whatever happens, happens. I'm not a player and I'm not looking for a piece of ass. I just want some new friends and if I happen to get involved with a girl I'm talking to, I'm the last person who's going to complain.
Now then, about this site.
I realize I haven't written or done much in here the last week and a half. I'm very much aware of that. I haven't had time or the motivation to do much. In fact, this past week alone, I've been busier than I can remember being in a long time.
I went out to eat and to a movie with my friend Sarah. If anyone calls it a date, I'm smacking you. It wasn't a date. You don't go on dates with someone who's like your best friend. You go on a date with someone you want to date. Period the end.
Anyway, we saw "Team America" and let me say this much: it's raunchy as hell. Funny as hell too. It's basically one of those movies that's so stupid, so insanely filthy, that it's laugh-out-loud hilarious at times. It's almost hard to explain. You have to see it to understand it. However, that said, if you don't like "Southpark," you won't like this movie. It's like "Southpark" with puppets.
Thurday night, I was out with Sarah again. This time we just went out and had some drinks and had a good time. I'll be honest too. There's a part of me that still really is crushing on Sarah. Now, a larger part of me knows there will never be anything more than a friendship between us. I'm not her type and with her wildness when she's out, she's not really my type either. She is cute, she is nice, but she's too wild. She's basically my best friend, the one I confide in the most. I wish people would just understand that about us.
Friday I was with my friend Mike. He just *had* to show me his characters in his wrestling game, plus his other new stuff too. Looking into his entertainment center, I fully realized just how addicted he is to video games.
Now, I do have a bunch of consoles and games. I have a Nintendo, a Super Nintendo, a Nintendo 64, a Gamecube, and an Xbox. I have several Super Nintendo games, a few Nintendo games, and a few Nintendo 64 games. Those I'll never get rid of. I have 10 Gamecube games and 3 Xbox games. I thought that was more than enough. In fact, I am always looking for games to trade-in so I can get a newer game. But I love the games I have too much to do that now.
But Mike? He had two stacks of games with about 15-20 games in them. One stack was his Playstation 2 games, the other his Gamecube games...Oh, and I have a Playstation 2, but it's upstairs where my mom never plays it. Back to what I was saying...It's insane. He keeps all the games he ever buys. Never trades them in. Me? Any game I'm sick of is gone when the next good game comes out.
In any case, I was over his house Friday and we played some of the Midway Arcade Treasure game he just bought, the second volume. Then we got back into Burnout 3. If you play racing games and haven't played Burnout 3, get yourself out from underneath the rock you've been under. It is one of the most addicting games I've ever played in my life, period.
I guess there's something sickenly satisfying in forcing a rival racer into a semi head-on and listening to the explosion behind you. Yeah, it's pretty fricking cool.
With that all said, now you know where I've been lately. Before that? Talking to Lisa. Next week? I should have time. I don't anticipate anything happening. After all, I'm only on my vacation week.
There is something I have to write about and that concerns the push that is being made to recruit contributors to this site. I've had at least three people come to me and ask about contributing to this site, one at least confirmed to do so.
I don't have any official guidelines yet sine I haven't seen what kind of writing is going to be contributed. I don't really care about how long any writing is, nor am I concerned with content. Unless it's really over the top, I won't have any issue with anything anyone wants to write about.
I'm basically giving everyone free reign as to what they want to do. As for a format, I won't settle on one until I actually get some contributions from people. When I see what's being sent in, I can decide what to do next. Until that happens, I can't do a thing.
If I get multiple people writing though, I will set up a new section in this site called "Outside Voices," or something to that effect. I may even set it up in a way that removes My Life completely, replaced with something brand new.
If I get enough contributors, I may overhaul this site completely. I'm not sure. Again, I won't know until people start sending me e-mails with what they want to have posted.
If you're someone who's said you want to write, you can start e-mailing me what you want to write whenever you're ready.
With all that said, this site may evolve into something new and different anyway. I've already played with the thought of revamping the site anyway, changing the format to something similar to what I did in my sister's site. I like how it came out and it intrigues me to try and format the site that way.
It just all depends on what happens. If I get enough people writing, I have to really think about what I want to do. If I only get a few, then it'll be different. It all depends. I can't say that enough.
So start sending me contributions and we'll get this thing off and running.
I noticed something that kind of surprised me when going through my file manager earlier. I realized that only once have I written on my birthday since this site's been up.
One time and that's a span of seven years.
I didn't write about last year. I didn't write about the year before. I didn't write about the year I turned 21.
No, I wrote when I turned 20 and three-quarters of the entry was about how I played video games, drove around, and got annoyed by political ads. In fact, I spend a whole lot of time bitching about those ads.
That must have been back when I actually wrote about things that I saw going on in the news and in the world. Back when I actually gave a shit anyway.
I only mention my birthday a couple of times and it's almost like it's in passing. It's actually quite sad and it really made me wonder if I really feel so indifferent about the day I was born.
Kind of frightening, but then again, my birthdays have been nothing to talk about for years now. In fact, I'm almost excited when someone mentions it to me. It might also be why I'm so excited about this year. You see, this year I'm going out, not on my birthday, but the day after because Sarah's birthday is the day after mine and we're going to celebrate our birthdays on the same night downtown with our friends.
The only downer? I'll have to work that morning and the following day, but I think it will be worth it.
Maybe this year I'll have something to write about.
I called this entry "the learning process." Okay, so it was partly because it was the first thing that popped in my head and actually has very little to do with the entry itself if you don't know me well. However, if you do know me, you might realize that by writing everything down that's occurred, everything that I've felt lately, I can learn from what I've experienced.
When I write, I don't just write to express what I'm thinking. No, I write to express what I'm thinking so that I can learn from what I'm experiencing. Every piece of information I write down is something I can look back at and learn from. What did I do right? What did I do wrong? Could I have handled something different? In writing my thoughts and feelings down, I can understand better why things went the way they did, whether it be in a good way or bad way.
It becomes a reference point for me in future encounters. Mistakes I made with how I got to know one girl can be fixed because I have a permanent reminder of what my dumbass did. I can go back, read how I handled a situation, and see if it will work again, or whether I should maybe try to do something else.
Life itself is a learning process. Those who learn well ultimately succeed where others fail. It's why my life has been stuck where it's been at for a while.
I don't always learn from what I did. I don't always make adjustments when I should and I sometimes fall into the same traps that I fell into in previous circumstances.
Learning how to do that is a process.
It's something to think about.
If I sound confused at times in anything I write in the next month or so, it's probably because I am. I will admit this. Part of it is me getting sick of having to deal with people who aren't who I thought they were. Part of it is my own inability to handle things the way I should.
But a lot of it is trying to figure out if I'm doing what I need to do, if I'm going in the direction I need to go. I'm going through a period where I don't feel like I'm doing what I need to do to be happy. I'm not satisfied with a lot of things right now and only I can change that feeling.
Life.
For as interesting as it can be, it sure can annoy the shit out of you at the same time.
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