MY LIFE - NOVEMBER

Social Experiment #284 - Monday, November 11, 2002

Today was one of those days that went pretty well, but you still feel empty at the end because you know someone's going through the motions and there's nothing that you can do to make it better or help.

One of my coworkers just had a really bad break-up of a long relationship. It's one of those things that makes you wonder about relationships and how something that seems to be going so well can turn so quickly. She loved this guy with everything she had and then it was all gone.

It was hard to work next to her because I didn't know if I should say something or just kind of leave her be. She didn't really mention it at all except for a little while to Regina, but that was about it. It looked like she was trying to just carry on as normal, but you could tell just by looking at her that all wasn't well.

Then there's another situation with another coworker that's not going well either. She had a medical procedure performed (that I choose not to disclose for a reason) and since then, she's moped around a lot and has been very reluctant to do much at all at work.

She also disappears a lot from time to time, something that bothers me tremendously since I have told her a few times that she needs to tell a pharmacist when she needs to step out or go on her break, but she never does it and it's starting to become a serious problem. Last Saturday along she disappeared several times for more than 5 minutes at a time and no one knew where she had gone.

My manager thinks something else is going on, but no one's really sure as to what the deal is. She's snapping back at people when they ask her to do things and she just doesn't seem to want to be there. There's just a lot of things that don't seem right and something's going to have to be done and soon. The rest of us can't keep working with her if she's going to be a hindrance instead of a help.

Now then...

The whole "why are looks important" thing has been raised with me once again. I have never really clarified my stance on this issue, nor have I ever really discussed it at length because it is a touchy subject.

To begin, looks do matter to me. If I don't find a girl at least somewhat physically attractive, there's not going to be much of an attraction at all. I don't think it makes me shallow for thinking that way, especially if 80% of the human population thinks the same way. Looks do matter some to me and I'm not going to pretend they don't. I think that's only fair.

Looks do not determine if I'm going to be just friends with someone though. That's why I find it important to not lead a girl on when we first talk. If she ends up looking nice, I'll pursue something more. If not, then I've made at least a friend and there's nothing more to it than that. Why should I get all hot and bothered over a girl I've never seen? If she's not attractive, she's going to feel hurt, I'm going to be disappointed, and there's all kinds of finger pointing going on.

The problem that happens is that a lot of guys and girls fall for each other without knowing what the other looks like, then they find out it's not what they expected. They're let down and don't want to talk to that person anymore, that person is deeply hurt as well and everyone's mad at everyone else.

It's a huge honkin' mess, I tell ya. It's harsh, painful, and it sucks very, very badly. I've been in that position. Hell, I was set up by a girl who sent me a picture of herself when she was very pretty, then proceeded to tell me a few weeks later that she hadn't been honest, that she didn't look the same anymore. She then went on to bash me for finding looks important.

My point of her setting me up and misleading me didn't exactly smooth things out either. It was a bad position to be in, one that I don't want to be in again. That's why when I talk to a girl online that might have an interest in me, I want to find out what they look like before I decide on how far I want it to go. I also make it clear that I find looks at least a little important.

It just makes me want to lay down and play dead sometimes. I find it a touchy subject to talk about, along the same lines of religion and abortion, something that a lot of people don't agree on. In a perfect world, looks wouldn't matter as much, but the world isn't perfect and looks play a big part in who will get with who.

Just don't hate me for the way I feel about it. Respect my opinion as I'd respect yours.

---

From the way it looks, we should be back in our house by the end of the year. However, I do not like the idea of spending Christmas in this hotel suite. I just don't want to do it. Same with Thanksgiving. How hollow are those going to feel if my birthday and halloween felt hollow?

I did get to decorate this year though, even though I don't have a house to decorate. My store is decorating up the ass with lights, garland, and other things to look as festive as possible. I must say, it looks very nice this year as well.

There's garland around our hopper grid and on our waiting bins, there are stockings for each pharmacy employee hanging on the wall next to the waiting area, there are lights in front of the pharmacy and the drive-thru, and there's a little tree with stuff underneath it on top of the waiting bin.

Regina and Cora did the stockings and chose what decorations to put up and what not. Regina put the garland up and it was decided I was to put the lights up around the drive-thru. I was both excited by this and dreading this. For one, I can never decide how I want to do it, and then when I do decide, I change my mind a billion times.

For the drive-thru, I decided to loop the lights through right up against the window, then realized I had enough to go back around a second time, this time on the wall around the drive-thru, giving a nice effect. I think that maybe it needs some garland to complete the look, but it ended up working out pretty nicely.

So that was my decorating for this year.

On a note related to Christmas, the rumor is that the pharmacy is going to be closed, but the front store will be open. My manager of course wants us to be open as well, but there isn't a soul that's going to be willing to work Christmas.

That's how it should be. No one should be have to work on Christmas. No one.

What about hospitals, EMS, police, and firefighters? It's simple. You're not allowed to get sick, get hurt, or die on Christmas. If you're going to have a heart attack, I'm sorry, but it'll just have to wait. Fire? Hell no, no fires would be allowed to take place. Criminals, I'm sorry, but you have to take a break too.

In addition, travel would not be allowed as to spare those who work in gas stations from having to work as well. If you need to go to a relative's house, you must go the night before. This would be possible because everything would have to be closed by 4pm on Christmas Eve to accomodate the fact that Christmas is shut-down day.

There will be no major snow storms in areas that see snow. Areas that don't see snow will have one day that they do get snow, then the next day it's back to normal.

I say this because it used to be like that. Most places were closed on Christmas. Gas stations would close early for crying out loud. Now everyone feels the need to stay open because we are such an on-demand society. We need something, we must have it right away, even if it's on Christmas. The idea of taking care of things ahead of time so that you don't have to do it Christmas is an old one.

When I was little, Christmas was spent with your family. The only people working were those in hospitals, and even then, it was as few people as possible to accomodate as many people as possible. Stores, if they were open (many of which weren't), closed at 3pm. You spent the whole day with your family, and then with your relatives later in the day.

Evidently, this made too much sense. Stores are expected open because, well, I'm not sure yet. I know Christmas Eve we're typically busy, but that's because people need last minute gifts, batteries for some of the toys they bought, and other things.

Why the fuck a grocery store needs to be open, that bothers me. If you need something from the store, wouldn't you know and have enough sense to get it a couple days in advance? I mean, I know I'm talking common sense, but please, it's Christmas. I don't want to be working, yet I'm expected to because I work in a pharmacy.

It's just how I feel though. I don't think it's right that so many people have to work to accomodate those who aren't sensible enough to take care of things ahead of time. It's just a shame to me and a reason I will never work Christmas if possible.

---

It feels weird to me to look at that poem I wrote last night. I don't write poetry and I struggled with much of what I wrote because it doesn't come naturally to me. I know it could've been better, been deeper, but I don't put the words together that way. The way I typically write these entries is more my style, not rhyming and the other shit associated with poems.

Yet I'm glad that I did it. I'm glad that I didn't just shove it to the side and pretend it never happened. I may never write another poem again, but I can sit and say that when it did come to me, I did it and I was proud of it. And I am proud of it, however feeble it may have been. Then again, I've never written to impress, but to get my views across, the way I feel.

I feel I accomplished that with the poem I wrote, even if it is ragged. It came from my heart and that's what's really important, right?

I've always said the easiest thing for me to do would be to just write a bunch of nonsense in here, try and be funny and spend all my time making people laugh, but then it really wouldn't reflect on who I am. I do joke around a lot, but my entire existence is not about joking around constantly. It shouldn't be either. I'm not going to be known as a one-dimensional person. I don't want to be either. I want to be known as someone who was funny when appropriate, but serious when needed. That's how I feel I am and that's how I want to be known.

There are days when I want to be funny and days when I want to be serious. Let's not forget about days when I want to be ornery as well. Those are my favorite because I can look back at them and wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

---

It was nice to see Jim again today. I had forgotten just how funny he is to work with. Who can't appreciate a guy who flicks you off as a greeting, then kicks you in the ass (literally) later on. In honesty, I did miss Jim and his jokes, even if they were gay jokes involving me. I know he's joking, everyone else knows he's joking, so why should I worry about it? I shouldn't and I don't. They're funny and that's all that matters.

The interesting thing should be when Keith, my pharmacist in charge, works with Jim. Keith has said repeatedly that Jim's going to grow up a little and knowing Jim, this isn't going to sit particularly well with him. Jim's not the kind of guy who takes shit, no matter how much he jokes around.

He may be calling me gay and kicking my ass, not to mention throwing things at me, but he's not going to take shit either.

The real funny thing that happened today though? Jim and I threw stuff at each other back and forth for a few minutes, each time glancing at Steve, waiting for him to say something. Steve didn't seem to realize we were doing it, but just as I was about to throw something again, he told us kids to stop throwing shit at each other. Jim and I both looked at him and said "sorry dad, it won't happen again."

It's priceless moments like that that make me glad that Jim's back. Work can be fun again, and that's all that I've wanted.

---

It's freaking cold outside again. It only figures too. Friday was somewhat warm, Saturay was much warmer, but I had to work, Sunday was warm but it stormed like mad around here so it didn't make much of a difference that it was warmer, although the storms were pretty cool.

Today started off warm, but then it got real cold as the day wore on until it got to the point of being completely freezing whenever I'd open up the drive-thru windown, which made putting the lights up a little tricky when someone was helping a customer at the drive-thru.

Now I've been outside a couple of times going to the laundry room and I can honestly say it is not getting any warmer. In fact, it's getting colder, which of course would make sense since it is night time and it does get colder at night. This is something that I've learned after many years of being outside in all kinds of weather conditions.

It seems silly, yes, but it's true. Just like when in summer time, it gets warmer. These are hard things to understand, but I think I'm starting to grasp the concepts.

In seriousness, it's cold outside. It's fall though, so it's to be expected. I like this time of year too. I keep hearing everyone complain about it, but really, it's not that bad. I like snow a lot too and don't sweat driving in it like some people seem to do. You see, I learned a while ago that you can't drive fast in snow. If you try, you lose control. Slowing down is the key, no matter what vehicle you're in.

It's amazing to see people drive as fast as they do in snow, like they're invincible. Believe me, I get a bigger kick out of watching those kinds of people lose control than anyone else. It's just something else to see.

Fall and winter I think give us a greater appreciation for the spring and summer. By the time the temperature starts warming up, you're ready for it and that makes it that much better.

Plus, nothing like seeing the way the girls dress once the temp. gets up there. It's a great time to be a guy, not trying to sound sexist.

I love this time of year. I love every time of the year though. I don't prefer one season over another. I like spring because it's warming up and there are lots of storms. Summer is nice because it's warm, the days are long, and the storms, while infrequent, are spectacular. Fall has the colors of the leaves changing, which is pretty impressive. Winter has snow, which when it's falling slowly, is one of the most beautiful sights in nature.

I am a nature person. I always have been to an extent. It's another part of me that's old-fashioned, part of me that's always going to be there.